Act 5 — THE KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE

BY FRANCIS BEAUMONT AND JOHN FLETCHER

[DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Prologue.

A Citizen.

His Wife.

Ralph,[2944] his Apprentice.

Boys.

Venturewell, a Merchant.

Humphrey.

Merrythought.

Jasper, } His Sons.

Michael,

Tim, } Apprentices.

George,

William Hammerton.

George Greengoose.

Host.

Tapster.

Barber.

Three Men, supposed captives.

Sergeant.

Soldiers and Attendants.

Luce, Daughter of Venturewell.

Mistress Merrythought.

Pompiona, Daughter of the King of Moldavia.

Woman, supposed a captive.

Scene.—London and the neighbouring Country, excepting Act IV, Scene II, where it is in Moldavia.]

TO THE READERS OF THIS COMEDY[2945]

Gentlemen;

The world is so nice[2946] in these our times, that for apparel there is no fashion: for music (which is a rare art, though now slighted) no instrument; for diet, none but the French kickshaws that are delicate; and for plays, no invention but that which now runneth an invective way, touching some particular persons, or else it is contemned before it is thoroughly understood. This is all that I have to say: that the author had no intent to wrong any one in this comedy; but, as a merry passage, here and there interlaced it with delight, which he hopes will please all, and be hurtful to none.

PROLOGUE[2947]

Where the bee can suck no honey, she leaves her sting behind; and where the bear cannot find origanum[2948] to heal his grief, he blasteth all other leaves with his breath. We fear it is like to fare so with us; that, seeing you cannot draw from our labours sweet content, you leave behind you a sour mislike,[2949] and with open reproach blame our good meaning, because you cannot reap the wonted mirth. Our intent was at this time to move inward delight, not outward lightness; and 5 to breed (if it might be) soft smiling, not loud laughing; knowing it, to the wise, to be a great pleasure to hear counsel mixed with wit, as to the foolish, to have sport mingled with rudeness. They were banished the theatre of Athens, and from Rome hissed, that brought parasites on the stage with apish actions, or fools with uncivil habits, or courtesans with immodest words. We have endeavoured to be as far from unseemly speeches, to make your ears glow, as we hope you 10 will be free from unkind reports, or mistaking the authors’[2950] intention, (who never aimed at any one particular in this play,) to make our cheeks blush. And thus I leave it, and thee to thine own censure, to like or dislike.—Vale.

[INDUCTION]

[Several Gentlemen sitting on Stools upon the Stage. The Citizen, his Wife, and Ralph sitting below among the Audience.]

Enter Prologue.

Citizen [leaps on the stage].

Cit. Hold your peace, goodman boy!

Prol. What do you mean, sir? 5

Cit. That you have no good meaning: this seven years there hath been plays at this house,[2951] I have observed it, you have still girds[2952] at citizens; and now you call your play “The London Merchant.” Down with your title,[2953] boy! down with your title! 11

Prol. Are you a member of the noble city?

Cit. I am.

Prol. And a freeman?

Cit. Yea, and a grocer.[2954] 15

Prol. So, grocer, then, by your sweet favour, we intend no abuse to the city.

Cit. No, sir! yes, sir. If you were not resolv’d to play the Jacks,[2955] what need you study for new subjects, purposely to abuse your betters? 20 Why could not you be contented, as well as others, with “The legend of Whittington,”[2956] or “The Life and Death of Sir Thomas Gresham, with the building of the Royal Exchange,”[2957] or “The story of Queen Eleanor, 25 with the rearing of London Bridge upon woolsacks?”[2958]

Prol. You seem to be an understanding man: what would you have us do, sir? 29

Cit. Why present something notably in honour of the commons of the city.

Prol. Why, what do you say to “The Life and Death of fat Drake, or the Repairing of Fleet-privies?” 34

Cit. I do not like that; but I will have a citizen, and he shall be of my own trade.

Prol. Oh, you should have told us your mind a month since; our play is ready to begin now.

Cit. ’T is all one for that; I will have a grocer, and he shall do admirable[2959] things. 40

Prol. What will you have him do?

Cit. Marry, I will have him——

Wife. (below.) Husband, husband!

Ralph. (below.) Peace, mistress. 44

Wife. [below.] Hold thy peace, Ralph; I know what I do, I warrant ’ee.—Husband, husband!

Cit. What sayst thou, cony?[2960]

Wife. [below.] Let him kill a lion with a 49 pestle, husband! Let him kill a lion with a pestle!

Cit. So he shall.—I’ll have him kill a lion with a pestle.

Wife. [below.] Husband! shall I come up, husband? 55

Cit. Ay, cony.—Ralph, help your mistress this way.—Pray, gentlemen, make her a little room.—I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my wife: I thank you, sir.—So.

[Wife comes on the stage.]

Wife. By your leave, gentlemen all; I’m 60 something troublesome. I’m a stranger here; I was ne’er at one of these plays, as they say, before; but I should have seen[2961] “Jane Shore”[2962] once; and my husband hath promised me, any time this twelvemonth, to carry me 65 to “The Bold Beauchamps,”[2963] but in truth he did not. I pray you, bear with me.

Cit. Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools and then begin; and let the grocer do rare things.70

[Stools are brought.]

Prol. But, sir, we have never a boy[2964] to play him: every one hath a part already.

Wife. Husband, husband, for God’s sake, let Ralph play him! Beshrew me, if I do not think he will go beyond them all. 75

Cit. Well rememb’red, wife.—Come up, Ralph.—I’ll tell you, gentlemen; let them but lend him a suit of reparel[2965] and necessaries, and, by gad, if any of them all blow wind in the tail on him,[2966] I’ll be hang’d. 80

[Ralph comes on the stage.]

Wife. I pray you, youth, let him have a suit of reparel!—I’ll be sworn, gentlemen, my husband tells you true. He will act you sometimes at our house, that all the neighbours 84 cry out on him; he will fetch you up a couraging part so in the garret, that we are all as fear’d, I warrant you, that we quake again: we’ll fear our children with him; if they be never so unruly, do but cry, “Ralph comes, Ralph comes!” to them, and they’ll be as 90 quiet as lambs.—Hold up thy head, Ralph; show the gentlemen what thou canst do; speak a huffing[2967] part; I warrant you, the gentlemen will accept of it.

Cit. Do, Ralph, do. 95

Cit. How say you, gentlemen, is it not as I told you?

Wife. Nay, gentlemen, he hath play’d before, my husband says, “Mucedorus,”[2969] before the wardens of our company. 105

Cit. Ay, and he should have play’d Jeronimo[2970] with a shoemaker for a wager.

Prol. He shall have a suit of apparel, if he will go in.

Cit. In, Ralph, in, Ralph; and set out the grocery in their kind, if thou lov’st me. 111

[Exit Ralph.]

Wife. I warrant, our Ralph will look finely when he’s drest.

Prol. But what will you have it call’d?

Cit. “The Grocer’s Honour.”115

Prol. Methinks “The Knight of the Burning Pestle” were better.

Wife. I’ll be sworn, husband, that’s as good a name as can be.

Cit. Let it be so.—Begin, begin; my wife and I will sit down.121

Prol. I pray you, do.

Cit. What stately music have you? You have shawms?[2971]

Prol. Shawms? No.

Cit. No! I’m a thief if my mind did not126 give me so. Ralph plays a stately part, and he must needs have shawms. I’ll be at the charge of them myself, rather than we’ll be without them.130

Prol. So you are like to be.

Cit. Why, and so I will be: there’s two shillings;—[Gives money.]—let’s have the waits of Southwark—they are as rare fellows as any are in England; and that will fetch them all o’er the water with a vengeance, as if they136 were mad.

Prol. You shall have them. Will you sit down then?

Cit. Ay.—Come, wife.140

Wife. Sit you merry all, gentlemen; I’m bold to sit amongst you for my ease.

[Citizen and Wife sit down.]

Cit. Take you no care for Ralph; he’ll discharge himself, I warrant you.

[Exit Prologue.]

Wife. I’ faith, gentlemen, I’ll give my word for Ralph. 155