Step. God’s my witness, uncle, I am wrong’d here monstrously; he charges me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never stir, if I did not find it in the street by chance.

Dow. O, did you find it now? You said you bought it ere-while. 15

Step. And you said, I stole it. Nay, now my uncle is here, I’ll do well enough with you.

Clem. Well, let this breathe awhile. You that have cause to complain there, stand forth. Had you my warrant for this gentleman’s 20 apprehension?

Bob. Ay, an ’t please your worship.

Clem. Nay, do not speak in passion[1347] so. Where had you it?

Bob. Of your clerk, sir. 25

Clem. That’s well! an my clerk can make warrants, and my hand not at ’em! Where is the warrant—officer, have you it?

Brai. No, sir. Your worship’s man, Master Formal, bid me do it for these gentlemen, 30 and he would be my discharge.

Clem. Why, Master Downright, are you such a novice, to be serv’d and never see the warrant?

Dow. Sir, he did not serve it on me. 35

Clem. No! how then?

Dow. Marry, sir, he came to me, and said he must serve it, and he would use me kindly, and so—— 39

Clem. O, God’s pity, was it so, sir? He must serve it! Give me my long sword there, and help me off. So, come on, sir varlet, I must cut off your legs, sirrah [Brainworm kneels]; nay, stand up, I’ll use you kindly; I must cut off your legs, I say. 45

Flourishes over him with his long sword.

Brai. O, good sir, I beseech you; nay, good master justice!

Clem. I must do it, there is no remedy; I must cut off your legs, sirrah, I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must do it: I must 50 cut off your nose, I must cut off your head.

Brai. O, good your worship!

Clem. Well, rise; how dost thou do now? Dost thou feel thyself well? Hast thou no harm? 55

Brai. No, I thank your good worship, sir.

Clem. Why so! I said I must cut off thy legs, and I must cut off thy arms, and I must cut off thy head; but I did not do it: so you said you must serve this gentleman with my 60 warrant, but you did not serve him. You knave, you slave, you rogue, do you say you must, sirrah! Away with him to the jail; I’ll teach you a trick for your must, sir.

Brai. Good sir, I beseech you, be good to 65 me.

Clem. Tell him he shall to the jail; away with him, I say.

Brai. Nay, sir, if you will commit me, it shall be for committing more than this: I will 70 not lose by my travail any grain of my fame, certain.

[Throws off his serjeant’s gown.]

Clem. How is this?

Know. My man Brainworm!

Step. O, yes, uncle: Brainworm has been with my cousin Edward and I all this day. 76

Clem. I told you all there was some device.

Brai. Nay, excellent justice, since I have laid myself thus open to you, now stand strong for me; both with your sword and your balance. 80

Clem. Body o’ me, a merry knave! give me a bowl of sack. If he belong to you, Master Knowell, I bespeak your patience.

Brai. That is it I have most need of. Sir, if you’ll pardon me only, I’ll glory in all the 85 rest of my exploits.

Know. Sir, you know I love not to have my favours come hard from me. You have your pardon, though I suspect you shrewdly for being of counsel with my son against me. 90

Brai. Yes, faith, I have, sir, though you retain’d me doubly this morning for yourself: first, as Brainworm; after, as Fitz-Sword. I was your reform’d soldier, sir. ’T was I sent you to Cob’s upon the errand without end. 95

Know. Is it possible? or that thou should’st disguise thy language so as I should not know thee?

Brai. O, sir, this has been the day of my metamorphosis. It is not that shape alone 100 that I have run through to-day. I brought this gentleman, master Kitely, a message too, in the form of master Justice’s man here, to draw him out o’ the way, as well as your worship, while master Wellbred might make a conveyance 105 of mistress Bridget to my young master.

Kit. How! my sister stol’n away?

Know. My son is not married, I hope.

Brai. Faith, sir, they are both as sure as love, a priest, and three thousand pound, which 110 is her portion, can make ’em; and by this time are ready to bespeak their wedding-supper at the Windmill, except some friend here prevent ’em, and invite ’em home.

Clem. Marry, that will I; I thank thee for 115 putting me in mind on ’t. Sirrah, go you and fetch them hither upon my warrant. [Exit Servant.] Neither’s friends have cause to be sorry, if I know the young couple aright. Here, I drink to thee for thy good news. But I pray 120 thee, what hast thou done with my man, Formal?

Brai. Faith, sir, after some ceremony past, as making him drunk, first with story, and then with wine, (but all in kindness,) and stripping 125 him to his shirt, I left him in that cool vein; departed, sold your worship’s warrant to these two, pawn’d his livery for that varlet’s gown, to serve it in; and thus have brought myself by my activity to your worship’s consideration. 131

Clem. And I will consider thee in another cup of sack. Here’s to thee, which having drunk off this my sentence: Pledge me. Thou hast done, or assisted to nothing, in my 135 judgment, but deserves to be pardon’d for the wit of the offence. If thy master, or any man here, be angry with thee, I shall suspect his ingine,[1348] while I know him, for ’t. How now, what noise is that? 140

[Enter Servant.]

Serv. Sir, it is Roger is come home.

Clem. Bring him in, bring him in.

Notes in this chapter

Note 1 · The same.Note 2 · A freshwater soldier was one who had never crossed the sea, i. e. had seen no service.Note 3 · In F, at end of Sc. 2.Note 4 · Melancholy emotion.Note 5 · Wit.