Act 5 — Scene II.[86]
Reading edition
Scene II.[86]
[Enter] Sir Tophas and Epiton.
Top. Epi, Love hath justled my liberty from the wall, and taken the upper hand of my reason.
Epi. Let me then trip up the heels of your affection and thrust your good will into the 5 gutter.
Top. No, Epi, Love is a lord of misrule and keepeth Christmas in my corps.
Epi. No doubt there is good cheer: what dishes of delight doth his lordship feast you 10 withal?
Top. First, with a great platter of plum porridge of pleasure, wherein is stewed the mutton of distrust.
Epi. Excellent love-pap.[87] 15
Top. Then cometh a pie of patience, a hen of honey, a goose of gall, a capon of care, and many other viands, some sweet and some sour, which proveth love to be, as it was said of in old years, Dulce venenum. 20
Epi. A brave banquet!
Top. But, Epi, I pray thee feel on my chin; something pricketh me. What dost thou feel or see?
Epi. There are three or four little hairs. 25
Top. I pray thee call it my beard. How shall I be troubled when this young spring[88] shall grow to a great wood!
Epi. Oh, sir, your chin is but a quiller[89] yet; you will be most majestical when it is full-fledged. 30 But I marvel that you love Dipsas, that old crone.
Top. Agnosco veteris vestigia flammæ[90]; I love the smoke of an old fire.
Epi. Why she is so cold that no fire can 35 thaw her thoughts.
Top. It is an old goose, Epi, that will eat no oats; old kine will kick, old rats gnaw cheese, and old sacks will have much patching. I prefer an old coney before a rabbit-sucker,[91] 40 and an ancient hen before a young chicken-peeper.
Epi. [Aside.] Argumentum ab antiquitate; my master loveth antique work.
Top. Give me a pippin that is withered 45 like an old wife!
Epi. Good, sir.
Top. Then,—a contrario sequitur argumentum,—give me a wife that looks like an old pippin. 50
Epi. [Aside.] Nothing hath made my master a fool but flat scholarship.
Top. Knowest thou not that old wine is best?
Epi. Yes.
Top. And thou knowest that like will to[92] 55 like?
Epi. Ay.
Top. And thou knowest that Venus loved the best wine?
Epi. So. 60
Top. Then I conclude that Venus was an old woman in an old cup of wine, for est Venus in vinis, ignis in igne fuit.[93]
Epi. O lepidum caput.[94] O madcap master! You were worthy to win Dipsas, were she as 65 old again, for in your love you have worn the nap of your wit quite off and made it threadbare. But soft, who comes here?
[Enter Samias and Dares.]
Top. My solicitors.
Sam. All hail, Sir Tophas; how feel you 70 yourself?
Top. Stately in every joint, which the common people term stiffness. Doth Dipsas stoop? Will she yield? Will she bend?
Dar. Oh, sir, as much as you would wish, 75 for her chin almost toucheth her knees.
Epi. Master, she is bent, I warrant you.
Top. What conditions doth she ask?
Sam. She hath vowed she will never love any that hath not a tooth in his head less than 80 she.
Top. How many hath she?
Dar. One.
Epi. That goeth hard, master, for then you must have none. 85
Top. A small request, and agreeable to the gravity of her years. What should a wise man do with his mouth full of bones like a charnel-house? The turtle true hath ne’er a tooth.
Sam. [Aside.] Thy master is in a notable 90 vein, that will lose his teeth to be like a turtle.
Epi. [Aside.] Let him lose his tongue, too; I care not.
Dar. Nay, you must also have no nails, for she long since hath cast hers. 95
Top. That I yield to. What a quiet life shall Dipsas and I lead when we can neither bite nor scratch! You may see, youths, how age provides for peace.
Sam. [Aside.] How shall we do to make 100 him leave his love, for we never spake to her?
Dar. [Aside.] Let me alone. [To Sir Tophas.] She is a notable witch, and hath turned her maid Bagoa to an aspen tree, for bewraying her secrets. 105
Top. I honour her for her cunning, for now when I am weary of walking on two legs, what a pleasure may she do me to turn me to some goodly ass, and help me to four.
Dar. Nay, then I must tell you the 110 truth. Her husband, Geron, is come home, who this fifty years hath had her to wife.
Top. What do I hear? Hath she an husband? Go to the sexton and tell him Desire is dead, and will him to dig his grave. O 115 heavens, an husband! What death is agreeable to my fortune?
Sam. Be not desperate, and we will help you to find a young lady.
Top. I love no grissels[95]; they are so brittle 120 they will crack like glass, or so dainty that if they be touched they are straight of the fashion of wax; animus majoribus instat.[96] I desire old matrons. What a sight would it be to embrace one whose hair were as orient as 125 the pearl, whose teeth shall be so pure a watchet[97] that they shall stain the truest turquoise, whose nose shall throw more beams from it than the fiery carbuncle, whose eyes shall be environ’d about with redness exceeding 130 the deepest coral, and whose lips might compare with silver for the paleness! Such a one if you can help me to, I will by piecemeal curtail my affections towards Dipsas, and walk my swelling thoughts till they be cold. 135
Epi. Wisely provided. How say you, my friends, will you angle for my master’s cause?
Sam. Most willingly.
Dar. If we speed him not shortly, I will burn my cap. We will serve him of the spades, 140 and dig an old wife out of the grave that shall be answerable to his gravity.
Top. Youths, adieu; he that bringeth me first news, shall possess mine inheritance.
[Exit Sir Tophas.]
Dar. What, is thy master landed? 145
Epi. Know you not that my master is liber tenens?
Sam. What ’s that?
Epi. A freeholder. But I will after him.
Sam. And we to hear what news of Endymion 150 for the conclusion.
Exeunt.