Act 3 — [Scene IV.][3859]
Reading edition
[Scene IV.][3859]
Enter Dampit, the usurer, drunk.
Dam. When did I say my prayers? In anno 88, when the great armada was coming; and in anno 99, when the great thunder and lightning was, I pray’d heartily then, i’ faith, to overthrow Poovies’ new buildings; I kneeled by 5 my great iron chest, I remember.
[Enter Audrey.]
Aud. Master Dampit, one may hear you before they see you: you keep sweet hours, Master Dampit; we were all a-bed three hours ago.
Dam. Audrey? 10
Aud. O, you ’re a fine gentleman!
Dam. So I am i’ faith, and a fine scholar. Do you use to go to bed so early, Audrey?
Aud. Call you this early, Master Dampit?
Dam. Why, is ’t not one of clock i’ th’ 15 morning? Is not that early enough? Fetch me a glass of fresh beer.
Aud. Here, I have warm’d your nightcap for you, Master Dampit.
Dam. Draw it on then. I am very weak 20 truly. I have not eaten so much as the bulk of an egg these three days.
Aud. You have drunk the more, Master Dampit.
Dam. What ’s that? 25
Aud. You mought,[3860] an you would, Master Dampit.
Dam. I answer you, I cannot. Hold your prating; you prate too much, and understand too little: are you answered? Give me a glass 30 of beer.
Aud. May I ask you how you do, Master Dampit?
Dam. How do I? I’ faith, naught.
Aud. I ne’er knew you do otherwise. 35
Dam. I eat not one pen’north of bread these two years. Give me a glass of fresh beer. I am not sick, nor I am not well.
Aud. Take this warm napkin about your neck, sir, whilst I help to make you unready.[3861]
Dam. How now, Audrey-prater, with your scurvy devices, what say you now?42
Aud. What say I, Master Dampit? I say nothing, but that you are very weak.
Dam. Faith, thou hast more cony-catching[3862]45 devices than all London.
Aud. Why, Master Dampit, I never deceiv’d you in all my life.
Dam. Why was that? Because I never did trust thee.50
Aud. I care not what you say, Master Dampit.
Dam. Hold thy prating: I answer thee, thou art a beggar, a quean, and a bawd: are you answer’d?55
Aud. Fie, Master Dampit! a gentleman, and have such words?
Dam. Why, thou base drudge of infortunity, thou kitchen-stuff-drab of beggary, roguery, and coxcombry, thou cavernesed quean of60 foolery, knavery, and bawdreaminy, I ’ll tell thee what, I will not give a louse for thy fortunes.
Aud. No, Master Dampit? and there ’s a gentleman comes a-wooing to me, and he doubts[3863]65 nothing but that you will get me from him.
Dam. I? If I would either have thee or lie with thee for two thousand pound, would I might be damn’d! Why, thou base, impudent quean of foolery, flattery, and coxcombry, are70 you answer’d?
Aud. Come, will you rise and go to bed, sir?
Dam. Rise, and go to bed too, Audrey? How does Mistress Proserpine?
Aud. Fooh!75
Dam. She ’s as fine a philosopher of a stinkard’s wife, as any within the liberties. Faugh, faugh, Audrey!
Aud. How now, Master Dampit?
Dam. Fie upon ’t, what a choice of stinks80 here is! What hast thou done, Audrey? Fie upon ’t, here ’s a choice of stinks indeed! Give me a glass of fresh beer, and then I will to bed.
Aud. It waits for you above, sir.85
Dam. Foh! I think they burn horns in Barnard’s Inn. If ever I smelt such an abominable stink, usury forsake me.
[Exit.]
Aud. They be the stinking nails of his trampling feet, and he talks of burning horns.
Exit.