Act 3 — [Scene I.][3841]
Reading edition
[Scene I.][3841]
[Enter] Witgood with his Creditors.
Wit. Why, alas, my creditors, could you find no other time to undo me but now? Rather your malice appears in this than the justness of the debt.
1 Cred. Master Witgood, I have forborne5 my money long.
Wit. I pray, speak low, sir: what do you mean?
2 Cred. We hear you are to be married suddenly to a rich country widow.10
Wit. What can be kept so close but you creditors hear on ’t! Well, ’t is a lamentable state, that our chiefest afflictors should first hear of our fortunes. Why, this is no good course, i’ faith, sirs: if ever you have hope to be satisfied,15 why do you seek to confound the means that should work it? There’s neither piety, no, nor policy in that. Shine favourably now: why, I may rise and spread again, to your great comforts.20
1 Cred. He says true, i’ faith.
Wit. Remove me now, and I consume for ever.
2 Cred. Sweet gentleman!
Wit. How can it thrive which from the sun you sever?
3 Cred. It cannot; indeed.25
Wit. O, then, show patience! I shall have enough To satisfy you all. Cred. Ay, if we could Be content, a shame take us! Wit. For, look you; I am but newly sure[3842] yet to the widow, And what a rend might this discredit make!30 Within these three days will I bind you lands For your securities. 1 Cred. No, good Master Witgood: Would ’t were as much as we dare trust you with! Wit. I know you have been kind; however, now, Either by wrong report or false incitement,35 Your gentleness is injured: in such A state as this a man cannot want foes. If on the sudden he begin to rise, No man that lives can count his enemies. You had some intelligence, I warrant ye,40 From an ill-willer.
2 Cred. Faith, we heard you brought up a rich widow, sir, and were suddenly to marry her.44
Wit. Ay, why there it was; I knew ’t was so; but since you are so well resolv’d,[3843] of my faith toward you, let me be so much favour’d of you, I beseech you all——
All. O, it shall not need, i’ faith, sir!——49
Wit. As to lie still awhile, and bury my debts in silence, till I be fully possest of the widow; for the truth is—I may tell you as my friends——
All. O, O, O!——54
Wit. I am to raise a little money in the city, toward the setting forth of myself, for my own credit and your comfort. Now, if my former debts should be divulg’d, all hope of my proceedings were quite extinguisht.59
1 Cred. Do you hear, sir? I may deserve your custom hereafter; pray, let my money be accepted before a stranger’s. Here ’s forty pound I receiv’d as I came to you; if that may stand you in any stead, make use on ’t. [Offers him money, which he at first declines.] Nay, pray, sir; ’t is at your service.66
Wit. You do so ravish me with kindness, that I am constrain’d to play the maid, and take it.
1 Cred. Let none of them see it, I beseech you.70
Wit. Faugh!
1 Cred. I hope I shall be first in your remembrance After the marriage rites.
Wit. Believe it firmly.
1 Cred. So.—What, do you walk, sirs?74
2 Cred. I go.—[Aside to Witgood.]—Take no care, sir, for money to furnish you; within this hour I send you sufficient. Come, Master Cockpit, we both stay for you.
3 Cred. I ha’ lost a ring, i’ faith; I ’ll follow you presently [exeunt 1 and 2 Creditors]—but80 you shall find it, sir. I know your youth and expenses have disfurnisht you of all jewels: there ’s a ruby of twenty pound price, sir; bestow it upon your widow. [Offers him the ring, which he at first declines.]—What, man! ’t85 will call up her blood to you; beside, if I might so much work with you, I would not have you beholding to those bloodsuckers for any money.
Wit. Not I, believe it.
3 Cred. They ’re a brace of cut-throats.90
Wit. I know ’em.
3 Cred. Send a note of all your wants to my shop, and I ’ll supply you instantly.
Wit. Say you so? Why, here ’s my hand then, no man living shalt do ’t but thyself.95
3 Cred. Shall I carry it away from ’em both, then?
Wit. I’ faith, shalt thou.
3 Cred. Troth, then, I thank you, sir.99
Wit. Welcome, good Master Cockpit. Exit [3 Creditor].—Ha, ha, ha! why, is not this better now than lying a-bed? I perceive there ’s nothing conjures up wit sooner than poverty, and nothing lays it down sooner than wealth and lechery: this has some savour yet. O that105 I had the mortgage from mine uncle as sure in possession as these trifles! I would forswear brothel at noonday, and muscadine[3844] and eggs, at midnight.
Enter Courtesan.
Cour. Master Witgood, where are you?110
Wit. Holla!
Cour. Rich news!
Wit. Would ’t were all in plate!
Cour. There ’s some in chains and jewels. I am so haunted with suitors, Master Witgood, I know not which to despatch first.116
Wit. You have the better term,[3845] by my faith.
Cour. Among the number One Master Hoard, an ancient gentleman. Wit. Upon my life, my uncle’s adversary.120 Cour. It may well hold so, for he rails on you, Speaks shamefully of him. Wit. As I could wish it. Cour. I first denied him, but so cunningly, It rather promis’d him assured hopes, Than any loss of labour. Wit. Excellent!125 Cour. I expect him every hour with gentlemen, With whom he labours to make good his words, To approve you riotous, your state consum’d. Your uncle,——
Wit. Wench, make up thy own fortunes130 now; do thyself a good turn once in thy days. He ’s rich in money, movables, and lands; marry him: he ’s an old doting fool, and that ’s worth all; marry him. ’T would be a great comfort to me to see thee do well, i’ faith; marry135 him. ’T would ease my conscience well to see thee well bestow’d; I have a care of thee, i’ faith.
Cour. Thanks, sweet Master Witgood.
Wit. I reach at farther happiness: first, I140 am sure it can be no harm to thee, and there may happen goodness to me by it. Prosecute it well; let ’s send up for our wits, now we require their best and most pregnant assistance.
Cour. Step in, I think I hear ’em.
[Exeunt.]
Enter Hoard and Gentlemen with the Host as serving-man.
Hoa. Art thou the widow’s man? By my146 faith, sh’as a company of proper men then.
Host. I am the worst of six, sir; good enough for blue coats.
Hoa. Hark hither: I hear say thou art in most credit with her.151
Host. Not so, sir.
Hoa. Come, come, thou ’rt modest. There ’s a brace of royals;[3846] prithee, help me to th’ speech of her. 155
[Gives him money.]
Host. I ’ll do what I may, sir, always saving myself harmless.
Hoa. Go to, do ’t, I say; thou shalt hear better from me.
Host. [Aside.] Is not this a better place160 than five mark[3847] a-year standing wages? Say a man had but three such clients in a day, methinks he might make a poor living on ’t; beside, I was never brought up with so little honesty to refuse any man’s money; never.165 What gulls there are a’ this side the world! Now know I the widow’s mind; none but my young master comes in her clutches: ha, ha, ha!
Exit.
Hoa. Now, my dear gentlemen, stand firmly to me; You know his follies and my worth. 1 [Gent.] We do, sir.170 2 [Gent.] But, Master Hoard, are you sure he is not i’ th’ house now? Hoa. Upon my honesty. I chose this time A’ purpose, fit: the spendthrift is abroad. Assist me; here she comes. Enter Courtesan. Now, my sweet widow.175 Cour. You ’re welcome, Master Hoard. Hoa. Despatch, sweet gentlemen, despatch.— I am come, widow, to prove those my words Neither of envy sprung nor of false tongues, But such as their[3848] deserts and actions180 Do merit and bring forth; all which these gentlemen, Well known, and better reputed, will confess. Cour. I cannot tell How my affections may dispose of me; But surely if they find him so desertless,185 They ’ll have that reason to withdraw themselves: And therefore, gentlemen, I do entreat you, As you are fair in reputation And in appearing form, so shine in truth. I am a widow, and, alas, you know,190 Soon overthrown! ’T is a very small thing That we withstand, our weakness is so great: Be partial unto neither, but deliver, Without affection, your opinion. Hoa. And that will drive it home.195 Cour. Nay, I beseech your silence, Master Hoard; You are a party. Hoa. Widow, not a word. 1 Gent. The better first to work you to belief, Know neither of us owe him flattery, Nor t’ other malice; but unbribed censure,[3849]200 So help us our best fortunes! Cour. It suffices. 1 Gent. That Witgood is a riotous, undone man, Imperfect both in fame and in estate, His debts wealthier than he, and executions In wait for his due body, we ’ll maintain205 With our best credit and our dearest blood. Cour. Nor land nor living, say you? Pray, take heed You do not wrong the gentleman. 1 Gent. What we speak Our lives and means are ready to make good. Cour. Alas, how soon are we poor souls beguil’d!210 2 Gent. And for his uncle—— Hoa. Let that come to me. His uncle, a severe extortioner; A tyrant at a forfeiture; greedy of others’ Miseries; one that would undo his brother, Nay, swallow up his father, if he can,215 Within the fathoms of his conscience. 1 Gent. Nay, believe it, widow, You had not only matcht yourself to wants, But in an evil and unnatural stock. Hoa. [Aside to Gent.] Follow hard, gentlemen, follow hard.220 Cour. Is my love so deceiv’d? Before you all I do renounce him; on my knees I vow He ne’er shall marry me. Wit. [looking in.] Heaven knows he never meant it! Hoa. [Aside to Gent.] There take her at the bound.225 1 Gent. Then, with a new and pure affection, Behold yon gentleman; grave, kind, and rich, A match worthy yourself: esteeming him, You do regard your state. Hoa. [Aside to Gent.] I ’ll make her a jointure, say.230 1 Gent. He can join land to land, and will possess you Of what you can desire. 2 Gent. Come, widow, come. Cour. The world is so deceitful! 1 Gent. There, ’t is deceitful, Where flattery, want, and imperfection lies; But none of these in him: push! Cour. Pray, sir——235 1 Gent. Come, you widows are ever most backward when you should do yourselves most good; but were it to marry a chin not worth a hair now, then you would be forward enough. Come, clap hands, a match.240 Hoa. With all my heart, widow. [Hoard and Courtesan shake hands.]—Thanks, gentlemen: I will deserve your labour, and [to Courtesan] thy love. Cour. Alas, you love not widows but for wealth! I promise you I ha’ nothing, sir. Hoa. Well said, widow, Well said; thy love is all I seek, before245 These gentlemen. Cour. Now I must hope the best. Hoa. My joys are such they want to be exprest.
Cour. But, Master Hoard, one thing I must remember you of, before these gentlemen, your friends: how shall I suddenly avoid the250 loathed soliciting of that perjur’d Witgood, and his tedious, dissembling uncle? who this very day hath appointed a meeting for the same purpose too; where, had not truth come forth, I had been undone, utterly undone!255
Hoa. What think you of that, gentlemen?
1 Gent. ’T was well devised.
Hoa. Hark thee, widow: train[3850] out young Witgood single; hasten him thither with thee, somewhat before the hour; where, at the260 place appointed, these gentlemen and myself will wait the opportunity, when, by some slight removing him from thee, we ’ll suddenly enter and surprise thee, carry thee away by boat to Cole-Harbour, have a priest ready, and there265 clap it up instantly. How likest it, widow?
Cour. In that it pleaseth you, it likes me well.
Hoa. I ’ll kiss thee for those words. Come, gentlemen, Still must I live a suitor to your favours, Still to your aid beholding.270 1 Gent. We ’re engag’d, sir; ’T is for our credits now to see ’t well ended. Hoa. ’T is for your honours, gentlemen; nay, look to ’t. Not only in joy, but I in wealth excel: No more sweet widow, but, sweet wife, farewell.275 Cour. Farewell, sir.
Exeunt [Hoard and Gentlemen].
Re-enter Witgood.
Wit. O for more scope! I could laugh eternally! Give you joy, Mistress Hoard, I promise your fortune was good, forsooth; you ’ve fell upon wealth enough, and there ’s young280 gentlemen enow can help you to the rest. Now, it requires our wits: carry thyself but heedfully now, and we are both——
[Re-enter Host.]
Host. Master Witgood, your uncle.284
Wit. Cuds me![3851]—remove thyself awhile; I ’ll serve for him.
[Exeunt Courtesan and Host.]
Enter Lucre.
Luc. Nephew, good morning, nephew.
Wit. The same to you, kind uncle.
Luc. How fares the widow? Does the meeting hold?
Wit. O, no question of that, sir.290
Luc. I ’ll strike the stroke, then, for thee; no more days.[3852]
Wit. The sooner the better, uncle. O, she ’s mightily follow’d!
Luc. And yet so little rumour’d!295
Wit. Mightily, here comes one old gentleman, and he ’ll make her a jointure of three hundred a year, forsooth; another wealthy suitor will estate his son in his lifetime, and make him weigh down the widow; here a300 merchant’s son will possess her with no less than three goodly lordships at once, which were all pawns to his father.
Luc. Peace, nephew, let me hear no more of ’em; it mads me. Thou shalt prevent[3853] ’em305 all. No words to the widow of my coming hither. Let me see—’t is now, upon nine: before twelve, nephew, we will have the bargain struck, we will, faith, boy.309
Wit. O, my precious uncle!
Exeunt.