Act 1 — [Scene II.][3918]
Reading edition
[Scene II.][3918]
Enter Alibius and Lollio.
Alib. Lollio, I must trust thee with a secret, But thou must keep it. Lol. I was ever close to a secret, sir. Alib. The diligence that I have found in thee, The care and industry already past,5 Assures me of thy good continuance. Lollio, I have a wife. Lol. Fie, sir, ’t is too late to keep her secret; she ’s known to be married all the town and country over.10 Alib. Thou goest too fast, my Lollio. That knowledge I allow no man can be barr’d it; But there is a knowledge which is nearer, Deeper, and sweeter, Lollio. Lol. Well, sir, let us handle that between you and I.15 Alib. ’T is that I go about, man. Lollio, My wife is young. Lol. So much the worse to be kept secret, sir. Alib. Why, now thou meet’st the substance of the point; I am old, Lollio.20 Lol. No, sir, ’t is I am old Lollio. Alib. Yet why may not this concord and sympathize? Old trees and young plants often grow together, Well enough agreeing.24 Lol. Ay, sir, but the old trees raise themselves higher and broader than the young plants. Alib. Shrewd application! There ’s the fear, man; I would wear my ring on my own finger; Whilst it is borrowed, it is none of mine,30 But his that useth it. Lol. You must keep it on still then, if it but lie by, one or other will be thrusting into ’t. Alib. Thou conceiv’st me, Lollio; here thy watchful eye Must have employment; I cannot always be35 At home. Lol. I dare swear you cannot. Alib. I must look out. Lol. I know ’t, you must look out; ’t is every man’s case. Alib. Here, I do say, must thy employment be;40 To watch her treadings, and in my absence Supply my place. Lol. I ’ll do my best, sir; yet surely I cannot see who you should have cause to be jealous of.45 Alib. Thy reason for that, Lollio? It is A comfortable question. Lol. We have but two sorts of people in the house, and both under the whip, that ’s fools[3919] and madmen; the one has not wit enough to50 be knaves, and the other not knavery enough to be fools. Alib. Ay, those are all my patients, Lollio; I do profess the cure of either sort; My trade, my living ’t is; I thrive by it;55 But here ’s the care that mixes with my thrift: The daily-visitants, that come to see My brain-sick patients, I would not have To see my wife. Gallants I do observe Of quick enticing eyes, rich in habits,60 Of stature and proportion very comely: These are most shrewd temptations, Lollio. Lol. They may be easily answered, sir; if they come to see the fools and madmen, you and I may serve the turn, and let my mistress65 alone; she ’s of neither sort. Alib. ’T is a good ward;[3920] indeed, come they to see Our madmen or our fools, let ’em see no more Than what they come for; by that consequent They must not see her; I ’m sure she ’s no fool.70 Lol. And I ’m sure she ’s no madman. Alib. Hold that buckler fast; Lollio, my trust Is on thee, and I account it firm and strong. What hour is ’t, Lollio? Lol. Towards belly-hour, sir. Alib. Dinner-time? Thou mean’st twelve o’clock?75 Lol. Yes, sir, for every part has his hour: we wake at six and look about us, that ’s eye hour; at seven we should pray, that ’s knee-hour: at eight walk, that’s leg-hour; at nine gather flowers and pluck a rose,[3921] that ’s nose-hour;80 at ten we drink, that ’s mouth-hour; at eleven lay about us for victuals, that ’s hand-hour; at twelve go to dinner, that ’s belly-hour. Alib. Profoundly, Lollio! It will be long Ere all thy scholars learn this lesson, and85 I did look to have a new one ent’red;—stay, I think my expectation is come home.
Enter Pedro, and Antonio [disguised] like an idiot].
Ped. Save you, sir; my business speaks itself: This sight takes off the labour of my tongue. Alib. Ay, ay, sir, it is plain enough, you mean90 Him for my patient.
Ped. And if your pains prove but commodious, to give but some little strength to his sick and weak part of nature in him, these are [gives him money] but patterns to show you95 of the whole pieces that will follow to you, beside the charge of diet, washing, and other necessaries, fully defrayed.
Alib. Believe it, sir, there shall no care be wanting.
Lol. Sir, an officer in this place may deserve100 something. The trouble will pass through my hands.
Ped. ’T is fit something should come to your hands then, sir.
[Gives him money.]
Lol. Yes, sir, ’t is I must keep him sweet,105 and read to him: what is his name?
Ped. His name is Antonio; marry, we use but half to him, only Tony.
Lol. Tony, Tony, ’t is enough, and a very good name for a fool.—What ’s your name,110 Tony?
Ant. He, he, he! well, I thank you, cousin; he, he, he!
Lol. Good boy! hold up your head.—He can laugh; I perceive by that he is no beast.115
Ped. Well, sir, If you can raise him but to any height, Any degree of wit; might he attain, As I might say, to creep on but all four Towards the chair of wit, or walk on crutches, ’T would add an honour to your worthy pains,121 And a great family might pray for you, To which he should be heir, had he discretion To claim and guide his own. Assure you, sir, He is a gentleman.125
Lol. Nay, there ’s nobody doubted that; at first sight I knew him for a gentleman, he looks no other yet.
Ped. Let him have good attendance and sweet lodging.
Lol. As good as my mistress lies in, sir;130 and as you allow us time and means, we can raise him to the higher degree of discretion.
Ped. Nay, there shall no cost want, sir.
Lol. He will hardly be stretcht up to the wit of a magnifico.135
Ped. O no, that ’s not to be expected; far shorter will be enough.
Lol. I ’ll warrant you I ’ll make him fit to bear office in five weeks; I ’ll undertake to wind him up to the wit of constable.140
Ped. If it be lower than that, it might serve turn.
Lol. No, fie; to level him with a head-borough,[3922] beadle, or watchman, were but little better than he is. Constable I ’ll able[3923] him;145 if he do come to be a justice afterwards, let him thank the keeper: or I ’ll go further with you; say I do bring him up to my own pitch, say I make him as wise as myself.
Ped. Why, there I would have it.150
Lol. Well, go to; either I ’ll be as arrant a fool as he, or he shall be as wise as I, and then I think ’t will serve his turn.
Ped. Nay, I do like thy wit passing well.
Lol. Yes, you may; yet if I had not been155 a fool, I had had more wit than I have too. Remember what state[3924] you found me in.
Ped. I will, and so leave you. Your best cares, I beseech you.
Exit Pedro.
Alib. Take you none with you, leave ’em160 all with us.
Ant. O, my cousin ’s gone! cousin, cousin, O!
Lol. Peace, peace, Tony; you must not cry, child, you must be whipt if you do; your cousin is here still; I am your cousin, Tony.165
Ant. He, he! then I ’ll not cry, if thou be’st my cousin; he, he, he!
Lol. I were best try his wit a little, that I may know what form to place him in.
Alib. Ay, do, Lollio, do.170
Lol. I must ask him easy questions at first.—Tony, how many true[3925] fingers has a tailor on his right hand?
Ant. As many as on his left, cousin.
Lol. Good: and how many on both?175
Ant. Two less than a deuce,[3926] cousin.
Lol. Very well answered. I come to you again, cousin Tony; how many fools goes to a wise man?
Ant. Forty in a day sometimes, cousin.180
Lol. Forty in a day? How prove you that?
Ant. All that fall out amongst themselves, and go to a lawyer to be made friends.
Lol. A parlous fool! he must sit in the fourth form at least. I perceive that.—I come185 again, Tony; how many knaves make an honest man?
Ant. I know not that, cousin.
Lol. No, the question is too hard for you. I ’ll tell you, cousin; there ’s three knaves190 may make an honest man,—a sergeant, a jailor, and a beadle; the sergeant catches him, the jailor holds him, and the beadle lashes him; and if he be not honest then, the hangman must cure him.195
Ant. Ha, ha, ha! that ’s fine sport, cousin.
Alib. This was too deep a question for the fool, Lollio.
Lol. Yes, this might have serv’d yourself, though I say ’t.—Once more and you shall go play, Tony.201
Ant. Ay, play at push-pin, cousin; ha, he!
Lol. So thou shalt: say how many fools are here——
Ant. Two, cousin; thou and I.205
Lol. Nay, you ’re too forward there, Tony. Mark my question; how many fools and knaves are here; a fool before a knave, a fool behind a knave, between every two fools a knave; how many fools, how many knaves?210
Ant. I never learnt so far, cousin.
Alib. Thou puttest too hard questions to him, Lollio.
Lol. I ’ll make him understand it easily.—Cousin, stand there.215
Ant. Ay, cousin.
Lol. Master, stand you next the fool.
Alib. Well, Lollio.
Lol. Here ’s my place. Mark now, Tony, there’s a fool before a knave.220
Ant. That ’s I, cousin.
Lol. Here ’s a fool behind a knave, that ’s I; and between us two fools there is a knave, that ’s my master, ’t is but we three, that’s all.
Ant. We three, we three, cousin.225
Madmen within.
1 Mad. [within.] Put ’s head i’ th’ pillory, the bread ’s too little.
2 Mad. [within.] Fly, fly, and he catches the swallow.
3 Mad. [within.] Give her more onion, or the devil put the rope about her crag.[3927]231
Lol. You may hear what time of day it is, the chimes of Bedlam goes.
Alib. Peace, peace, or the wire[3928] comes!
3 Mad. [within.] Cat whore, cat whore! her permasant, her permasant![3929]236
Alib. Peace, I say!—Their hour ’s come, they must be fed, Lollio.
Lol. There ’s no hope of recovery of that Welsh madman; was undone by a mouse that spoil’d him a permasant; lost his wits for ’t.241
Alib. Go to your charge, Lollio; I ’ll to mine.
Lol. Go you to your madmen’s ward, let me alone with your fools.245
Alib. And remember my last charge, Lollio.
Exit.
Lol. Of which your patients do you think I am? Come, Tony, you must amongst your school-fellows now; there ’s pretty scholars250 amongst ’em, I can tell you; there ’s some of ’em at stultus, stulta, stultum.
Ant. I would see the madmen, cousin, if they would not bite me.
Lol. No, they shall not bite thee, Tony.255
Ant. They bite when they are at dinner, do they not, coz?
Lol. They bite at dinner, indeed, Tony. Well, I hope to get credit by thee; I like thee the best of all the scholars that ever I260 brought up, and thou shalt prove a wise man, or I ’ll prove a fool myself.
Exeunt.