Act 5 — [Scene II.][3897]
Reading edition
[Scene II.][3897]
Enter Hoard, tasting wine, Host following in a livery cloak.
Hoa. Pup, pup, pup, pup, I like not this wine: is there never a better tierce in the house?
Host. Yes, sir, there are as good tierces in the house as any are in England.5
Hoa. Desire your mistress, you knave, to taste ’em all over; she has best skill.
Host. [Aside.] Has she so? The better for her, and the worse for you.
Exit.
Hoa. Arthur!10
[Enter Arthur.]
Is the cupboard of plate set out?
Arth. All ’s in order, sir.
[Exit.]
Hoa. I am in love with my liveries every time I think on ’em; they make a gallant show, by my troth. Niece!15
[Enter Joyce.]
Joyce. Do you call, sir?
Hoa. Prithee, show a little diligence, and overlook the knaves a little; they ’ll filch and steal to-day, and send whole pasties home to their wives; an thou be’st a good niece, do20 not see me purloin’d.
Joyce. Fear it not, sir—[Aside.] I have cause: though the feast be prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding-dinner too.
[Exit.]
Enter two Gentlemen [Lamprey and Spichcock].
Hoa. Master Lamprey and Master Spichcock,25 two the most welcome gentlemen alive! Your fathers and mine were all free a’ th’ fishmongers.[3898]
Lam. They were indeed, sir. You see bold guests, sir; soon entreated.30
Hoa. And that ’s best, sir.
[Enter Servant.]
How now, sirrah?
Ser. There’s a coach come to th’ door, sir.
[Exit.]
Hoa. My Lady Foxtone, a’ my life!—Mistress Jane Hoard! wife!—Mass, ’t is her ladyship35 indeed!
[Enter Lady Foxtone.]
Madam, you are welcome to an unfurnisht house, dearth of cheer, scarcity of attendance.
L. Fox. You are pleas’d to make the worst, sir.40
Hoa. Wife!
[Enter Courtesan.]
L. Fox. Is this your wife?
Hoa. Yes, madam.—Salute my Lady Foxtone.
Cour. Please you, madam, awhile to taste45 the air in the garden?
L. Fox. ’T will please us well.
Exeunt [L. Foxtone and Courtesan].
Hoa. Who would not wed? The most delicious life! No joys are like the comforts of a wife.49
Lam. So we bachelors think, that are not troubled with them.
[Re-enter Servant.]
Ser. Your worship’s brother, with other ancient gentlemen, are newly alighted, sir.
[Exit.]
Hoa. Master Onesiphorus Hoard? Why, now our company begins to come in.55
[Enter Onesiphorus Hoard, Limber, and Kix.]
My dear and kind brother, welcome, i’ faith.
O. Hoa. You see we are men at an hour, brother.
Hoa. Ay, I ’ll say that for you, brother; you keep as good an hour to come to a feast as60 any gentleman in the shire.—What, old Master Limber and Master Kix! Do we meet, i’ faith, jolly gentlemen?
Lim. We hope you lack guests, sir?64
Hoa. O, welcome, welcome! We lack still such guests as your worships.
O. Hoa. Ah, sirrah brother, have you catcht up Widow Medler?
Hoa. From ’em all, brother; and I may tell you I had mighty enemies, those that stuck70 sore: old Lucre is a sore fox, I can tell you, brother.
O. Hoa. Where is she? I ’ll go seek her out; I long to have a smack at her lips.74
Hoa. And most wishfully,[3899] brother, see where she comes.
[Re-enter Courtesan and Lady Foxtone.]
Give her a smack now we may hear it all the house over. (Courtesan and O. Hoard turn back.)
Cour. O Heaven, I am betray’d! I know that face.80
Hoa. Ha, ha, ha! why, how now? Are you both asham’d?—Come, gentlemen, we ’ll look another way.
O. Hoa. Nay, brother, hark you: come, you’re dispos’d to be merry.85
Hoa. Why do we meet else, man?
O. Hoa. That’s another matter: I was ne’er so ’fraid in my life but that you had been in earnest.
Hoa. How mean you, brother?90
O. Hoa. You said she was your wife.
Hoa. Did I so? By my troth, and so she is.
O. Hoa. By your troth, brother?
Hoa. What reason have I to dissemble94 with my friends, brother? If marriage can make her mine, she is mine. Why——
O. Hoa. Troth, I am not well of a sudden. I must crave pardon, brother; I came to see you, but I cannot stay dinner, i’ faith.
Hoa. I hope you will not serve me so, brother?101
Lim. By your leave, Master Hoard——
Hoa. What now? what now? Pray, gentlemen:—you were wont to show yourselves wise men.105
Lim. But you have shown your folly too much here.
Hoa. How?
Kix. Fie, fie! a man of your repute and name! You’ll feast your friends, but cloy ’em first with shame.
Hoa. This grows too deep; pray, let us reach the sense.110
Lim. In your old age dote on a courtesan!
Hoa. Ha!
Kix. Marry a strumpet!
Hoa. Gentlemen!
O. Hoa. And Witgood’s quean!115
Hoa. O! nor lands nor living?
O. Hoa. Living!
Hoa. [to Courtesan.] Speak.
Cour. Alas, you know, at first, sir, I told you I had nothing!120
Hoa. Out, out! I am cheated; infinitely cozened!
Lim. Nay, Master Hoard——
Enter Lucre, Witgood, [and Joyce.]
Hoa. A Dutch widow! a Dutch widow! a Dutch widow! Luc. Why, nephew, shall I trace thee still a liar? Wilt make me mad? Is not yon thing the widow?125 Wit. Why, la, you are so hard a’ belief, uncle! By my troth, she ’s a whore.
Luc. Then thou ’rt a knave.
Wit. Negatur argumentum, uncle.129
Luc. Probo tibi, nephew: he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; thou sayst thou knowest her to be one; ergo, if she be a quean, thou ’rt a knave.
Wit. Negatur sequela majoris, uncle; he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; I deny that.136
Hoa. Lucre and Witgood, you’re both villains; get you out of my house!
Luc. Why, didst not invite me to thy wedding-dinner?140
Wit. And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends before witness, sir, and were both drunk upon ’t?
Hoa. Daintily abus’d! You’ve put a junt[3900] upon me!
Luc. Ha, ha, ha!145
Hoa. A common strumpet!
Wit. Nay, now You wrong her, sir; if I were she, I ’d have The law on you for that; I durst depose for her149 She ne’er had common use nor common thought. Cour. Despise me, publish me, I am your wife; What shame can I have now but you ’ll have part? If in disgrace you share, I sought not you; You pursued, nay, forc’d me; had I friends would follow it, Less than your action has been prov’d a rape. O. Hoa. Brother!156 Cour. Nor did I ever boast of lands unto you, Money, or goods; I took a plainer course, And told you true, I ’d nothing: If error were committed, ’t was by you;160 Thank your own folly. Nor has my sin been So odious, but worse has been forgiven; Nor am I so deform’d, but I may challenge The utmost power of any old man’s love.164 She that tastes not sin before, twenty to one but she ’ll taste it after: most of you old men are content to marry young virgins, and take that which follows; where, marrying one of us, you both save a sinner and are quit from a cuckold for ever:170 And more, in brief, let this your best thoughts win, She that knows sin, knows best how to hate sin. Hoa. Curst be all malice! black are the fruits of spite, And poison first their owners. O, my friends, I must embrace shame, to be rid of shame!175 Conceal’d disgrace prevents a public name. Ah, Witgood! ah, Theodorus! Wit. Alas, sir, I was prickt in conscience to see her well bestowed, and where could I bestow her better than upon your pitiful worship?180 Excepting but myself, I dare swear she ’s a virgin; and now, by marrying your niece, I have banisht myself for ever from her. She ’s mine aunt now, by my faith, and there ’s no meddling with mine aunt, you know: a sin against my nuncle.186 Cour. Lo, gentlemen, before you all [Kneels.] In true reclaimed form I fall. Henceforth for ever I defy[3901] The glances of a sinful eye,190 Waving of fans (which some suppose Tricks of fancy[3902]), treading of toes, Wringing of fingers, biting the lip, The wanton gait, th’ alluring trip; All secret friends and private meetings,195 Close-borne letters and bawds’ greetings; Feigning excuse to women’s labours When we are sent for to th’ next neighbour’s; Taking false physic, and ne’er start To be let blood though sign[3903] be at heart;200 Removing chambers, shifting beds, To welcome friends in husbands’ steads, Them to enjoy, and you to marry, They first serv’d, while you must tarry, They to spend, and you to gather,205 They to get, and you to father: These, and thousand, thousand more, New reclaim’d, I now abhor. Luc. [to Witgood.] Ah, here ’s a lesson, rioter, for you! Wit. I must confess my follies; I ’ll down too:210 [Kneels.] And here for ever I disclaim The cause of youth’s undoing, game, Chiefly dice, those true outlanders, That shake out beggars, thieves, and panders; Soul-wasting surfeits, sinful riots,215 Queans’ evils, doctors’ diets, ’Pothecaries’ drugs, surgeons’ glisters; Stabbing of arms[3904] for a common mistress; Riband favours, ribald speeches; Dear perfum’d jackets, penniless breeches;220 Dutch flapdragons,[3905] healths in urine; Drabs that keep a man too sure in: I do defy you all. Lend me each honest hand, for here I rise A reclaim’d man, loathing the general vice.225 Hoa. So, so, all friends! the wedding-dinner cools: Who seem most crafty prove ofttimes most fools. [Exeunt.]