Act 1 — [ACT IV]
Reading edition
Scene [I].[2403]
Enter a Servant, setting out a table, on which he places a skull, a picture [of Infelice], a book, and a taper.
Ser. So, this is Monday morning, and now must I to my huswifery. Would I had been created a shoemaker, for all the gentle craft are gentlemen every Monday by their copy,[2404] and scorn then to work one true stitch. My5 master means sure to turn me into a student, for here ’s my book, here my desk, here my light, this my close chamber, and here my punk: so that this dull drowsy first day of the week makes me half a priest, half a chandler, half10 a painter, half a sexton, ay, and half a bawd; for all this day my office is to do nothing but keep the door. To prove it, look you, this good face and yonder gentleman, so soon as ever my back is turn’d, will be naught together.15
Enter Hippolito.
Hip. Are all the windows shut? Ser. Close, sir, as the fist of a courtier that hath stood in three reigns. Hip. Thou art a faithful servant, and observ’st The calendar both of my solemn vows,20 And ceremonious sorrow. Get thee gone; I charge thee on thy life, let not the sound Of any woman’s voice pierce through that door. Ser. If they do, my lord, I ’ll pierce some of them; What will your lordship have to breakfast?25 Hip. Sighs. Ser. What to dinner? Hip. Tears.
Ser. The one of them, my lord, will fill you too full of wind, the other wet you too much.30 What to supper?
Hip. That which now thou canst not get me, the constancy of a woman.
Ser. Indeed that ’s harder to come by than ever was Ostend.[2405]35
Hip. Prithee, away.
Ser. I ’ll make away myself presently, which few servants will do for their lords; but rather help to make them away. Now to my door-keeping; I hope to pick something out of it. 40
Exit.
Hip. [taking up Infelice’s picture.] My Infelice’s face, her brow, her eye, The dimple on her cheek! and such sweet skill, Hath from the cunning workman’s pencil flown, These lips look fresh and lively as her own,44 Seeming to move and speak. ’Las! now I see, The reason why fond[2406] women love to buy Adulterate complexion! Here, ’t is read: False colours last after the true be dead. Of all the roses grafted on her cheeks, Of all the graces dancing in her eyes,50 Of all the music set upon her tongue, Of all that was past woman’s excellence, In her white bosom,—look! a painted board Circumscribes all. Earth can no bliss afford, Nothing of her but this. This cannot speak,55 It has no lap for me to rest upon, No lip worth tasting; here the worms will feed, As in her coffin. Hence, then, idle art! True love ’s best pictur’d in a true-love’s heart. Here art thou drawn, sweet maid, till this be dead;60 So that thou liv’st twice, twice art buried. Thou figure of my friend, lie there. What ’s here? [Takes up the skull.] Perhaps this shrewd pate was mine enemy’s: ’Las! say it were; I need not fear him now! For all his braves, his contumelious breath,65 His frowns, though dagger-pointed, all his plot, Though ne’er so mischievous, his Italian pills, His quarrels, and that common fence, his law, See, see, they ’re all eaten out! Here ’s not left one: How clean they ’re pickt away to the bare bone!70 How mad are mortals, then, to rear great names On tops of swelling houses! or to wear out Their fingers’ ends in dirt, to scrape up gold! Not caring, so that sumpter-horse, the back, Be hung with gaudy trappings, with what coarse—75 Yea, rags most beggarly, they clothe the soul: Yet, after all, their gayness looks thus foul. What fools are men to build a garish tomb, Only to save the carcase whilst it rots, To maintain ’t long in stinking, make good carrion,80 But leave no good deeds to preserve them sound! For good deeds keep men sweet, long above ground. And must all come to this? fools, wise, all hither? Must all heads thus at last be laid[2407] together? Draw me my picture then, thou grave neat workman,85 After this fashion, not like this; these colours In time, kissing but air, will be kist off: But here ’s a fellow; that which he lays on Till doomsday alters not complexion. Death ’s the best painter then: they that draw shapes,90 And live by wicked faces, are but God’s apes. They come but near the life, and there they stay; This fellow draws life too: his art is fuller, The pictures which he makes are without colour.94
Re-enter Servant.
Ser. Here ’s a person would speak with you, sir.
Hip. Hah!
Ser. A parson, sir, would speak with you.
Hip. Vicar?99
Ser. Vicar! No, sir; has too good a face to be a vicar yet; a youth, a very youth.
Hip. What youth? Of man or woman? Lock the doors.
Ser. If it be a woman, marrow-bones[2408] and potato pies[2408] keep me from meddling with her, for the thing has got the breeches! ’T is a105 male-varlet sure, my lord, for a woman’s tailor ne’er measur’d him.
Hip. Let him give thee his message and be gone.
Ser. He says he ’s Signor Matheo ’s man, but I know he lies.110
Hip. How dost thou know it?
Ser. ’Cause he has ne’er a beard. ’T is his boy, I think, sir, whosoe’er paid for his nursing.
Hip. Send him and keep the door.
[Exit Servant.]
(Reads.) “Fata si liceat mihi,115 Fingere arbitrio meo, Temperem zephyro levi Vela.”[2409] I ’d sail were I to choose, not in the ocean; Cedars are shaken, when shrubs do feel no bruise.120 Enter Bellafront, like a Page, [with a letter]. How? from Matheo? Bell. Yes, my lord. Hip. Art sick? Bell. Not all in health, my lord. Hip. Keep off. Bell. I do.— [Aside.] Hard fate when women are compell’d to woo. Hip. This paper does speak nothing. Bell. Yes, my lord, Matter of life, it speaks, and therefore writ125 In hidden character: to me instruction My master gives, and, ’less you please to stay Till you both meet, I can the text display. Hip. Do so; read out. Bell. I am already out.[2410]129 Look on my face, and read the strangest story! Hip. What, villain, ho?——
Re-enter Servant.
Ser. Call you, my lord?
Hip. Thou slave, thou hast let in the devil!
Ser. Lord bless us, where? He ’s not cloven, my lord, that I can see: besides the devil goes135 more like a gentleman than a page. Good my lord, Buon coraggio.[2411]
Hip. Thou hast let in a woman in man’s shape. And thou art damn’d for ’t.139
Ser. Not damn’d I hope for putting in a woman to a lord.
Hip. Fetch me my rapier,—do not; I shall kill thee. Purge this infected chamber of that plague, That runs upon me thus. Slave, thrust her hence.144
Ser. Alas, my lord, I shall never be able to thrust her hence without help! Come, mermaid, you must to sea again.
Bell. Hear me but speak, my words shall be all music; Hear me but speak. [Knocking within. Hip. Another beats the door, T ’other she-devil! look. Ser. Why, then, hell ’s broke loose.150 Hip. Hence; guard the chamber: let no more come on, Exit [Servant]. One woman serves for man’s damnation— Beshrew thee, thou dost make me violate The chastest and most sanctimonious vow, That e’er was ent’red in the court of Heaven! I was, on meditation’s spotless wings,156 Upon my journey thither; like a storm Thou beat’st my ripened cogitations, Flat to the ground; and like a thief dost stand, To steal devotion from the holy land.160 Bell. If woman were thy mother—if thy heart, Be not all marble, or if ’t marble be, Let my tears soften it, to pity me— I do beseech thee, do not thus with scorn Destroy a woman! Hip. Woman, I beseech thee,165 Get thee some other suit, this fits thee not; I would not grant it to a kneeling queen, I cannot love thee, nor I must not: see [Points to Infelice’s picture.] The copy of that obligation, Where my soul’s bound in heavy penalties.170 Bell. She ’s dead, you told me; she ’ll let fall her suit. Hip. My vows to her fled after her to Heaven. Were thine eyes clear as mine, thou might’st behold her, Watching upon you battlements of stars,— How I observe them! Should I break my bond, This board would rive in twain, these wooden lips176 Call me most perjur’d villain. Let it suffice, I ha’ set thee in the path; is ’t not a sign I love thee, when with one so most most dear, I ’ll have thee fellows? All are fellows there.180 Bell. Be greater than a king; save not a body, But from eternal shipwrack keep a soul. If not, and that again sin’s path I tread, The grief be mine, the guilt fall on thy head! Hip. Stay, and take physic for it; read this book,185 Ask counsel of this head, what ’s to be done; He ’ll strike it dead, that ’t is damnation If you turn Turk again. Oh, do it not! Though Heaven cannot allure you to do well, From doing ill let hell fright you; and learn this,190 The soul whose bosom lust did never touch, Is God’s fair bride, and maidens’ souls are such: The soul that leaving chastity’s white shore, Swims in hot sensual streams, is the devil’s whore.— Re-enter Servant [with letter]. How now, who comes?195
Ser. No more knaves, my lord, that wear smocks: here ’s a letter from Doctor Benedict. I would not enter his man, though he had hairs at his mouth, for fear he should be a woman, for some women have beards; marry, they200 are half-witches. ’Slid! you are a sweet youth to wear a cod-piece, and have no pins to stick upon ’t.
Hip. I ’ll meet the doctor, tell him; yet tonight I cannot: but at morrow rising sun205 I will not fail.—Go, woman; fare thee well. Exeunt [Hippolito and Servant]. Bell. The lowest fall can be but into hell; It does not move him: I must therefore fly From this undoing city, and with tears Wash off all anger from my father’s brow:210 He cannot sure but joy, seeing me new born. A woman honest first, and then turn whore, Is, as with me, common to thousands more;213 But from a strumpet to turn chaste, that sound Has oft been heard, that woman hardly found. Exit.
Scene [II].[2412]
Enter Fustigo, Crambo, and Poli.
Fus. Hold up your hands, gentlemen, here ’s one, two, three [giving money]—nay, I warrant they are sound pistoles, and without flaws; I had them of my sister and I know she uses to put [up] nothing that’s crackt—four, five, 5 six, seven, eight, and nine; by this hand bring me but a piece of his blood, and you shall have nine more. I ’ll lurk in a tavern not far off, and provide supper to close up the end of the tragedy. The linen-draper’s, remember. Stand 10 to ’t, I beseech you, and play your parts perfectly.
Cram. Look you, signor, ’t is not your gold that we weigh—
Fus. Nay, nay, weigh it and spare not; if 15 it lack one grain of corn, I ’ll give you a bushel of wheat to make it up.
Cram. But by your favour, signor, which of the servants is it? because we ’ll punish justly.
Fus. Marry, ’t is the head man; you shall 20 taste him by his tongue; a pretty, tall, prating fellow, with a Tuscalonian beard.
Poli. Tuscalonian? Very good.
Fus. God’s life, I was ne’er so thrummed since I was a gentleman. My coxcomb was 25 dry beaten, as if my hair had been hemp.
Cram. We ’ll dry-beat some of them.
Fus. Nay, it grew so high, that my sister cried out murder, very manfully. I have her consent, in a manner, to have him pepper’d; 30 else I ’ll not do ’t, to win more than ten cheaters do at a rifling.[2413] Break but his pate, or so, only his mazer,[2414] because I ’ll have his head in a cloth as well as mine; he ’s a linen-draper, and may take enough. I could enter mine action 35 of battery against him, but we may perhaps be both dead and rotten before the lawyers would end it.
Cram. No more to do, but ensconce yourself i’ th’ tavern; provide no great cheer, a 40 couple of capons, some pheasants, plovers, an orangeado[2415]—pie, or so: but how bloody howsoe’er the day be, sally you not forth.
Fus. No, no; nay, if I stir, somebody shall stink. I ’ll not budge; I ’ll lie like a dog in 45 a manger.
Cram. Well, well, to the tavern, let not our supper be raw, for you shall have blood enough, your bellyful.
Fus. That ’s all, so God sa’ me, I thirst 50 after; blood for blood, bump for bump, nose for nose, head for head, plaster for plaster; and so farewell. What shall I call your names? because I ’ll leave word, if any such come to the bar. 55
Cram. My name is Corporal Crambo.
Poli. And mine, Lieutenant Poli.
Exit.
Cram. Poli is as tall a man as ever opened oyster; I would not be the devil to meet Poli. Farewell. 60
Fus. Nor I, by this light, if Poli be such a Poli.
Exeunt.