Act 1 — [Scene II.][4252]

Cel. Fie! what an air this room has! Stew. ’T is perfum’d. Cel. With some cheap stuff. Is it your wisdom’s thrift To infect my nostrils thus? Or is’t to favour The gout in your worship’s hand, you are afraid To exercise your pen in your account book?5 Or do you doubt my credit to discharge Your bills? Stew. Madam, I hope you have not found My duty, with the guilt of sloth or jealousy, Unapt to your command. Cel. You can extenuate Your faults with language, sir; but I expect10 To be obey’d. What hangings have we here! Stew. They are arras, madam. Cel. Impudence! I know’t. I will have fresher, and more rich; not wrought With faces that may scandalize a Christian,14 With Jewish stories stuft with corn and camels. You had best wrap all my chambers in wild Irish, And make a nursery of monsters here, To fright the ladies come to visit me. Stew. Madam, I hope— Cel. I say I will have other, Good Master Steward, of a finer loom;20 Some silk and silver, if your worship please To let me be at so much cost. I’ll have Stories to fit the seasons of the year, And change as often as I please. Stew. You shall, madam. Cel. I am bound to your consent, forsooth! And is25 My coach brought home? Stew. This morning I expect it. Cel. The inside, as I gave direction, Of crimson plush? Stew. Of crimson camel plush. Cel. Ten thousand moths consume ’t! Shall I ride through The streets in penance, wrapt up round in hair cloth?30 Sell’t to an alderman, ’t will serve his wife To go a feasting to their country-house; Or fetch a merchant’s nurse-child, and come home Laden with fruit and cheese-cakes. I despise it! Stew. The nails adorn it, madam, set in method,35 And pretty forms. Cel. But single gilt, I warrant. Stew. No, madam. Cel. Another solecism! Oh fie! This fellow will bring me to a consumption With fretting at his ignorance. Some lady Had rather never pray than go to church in’t.40 The nails not double gilt! To market wo’t?[4253] ’T will hackney out to Mile-end, or convey Your city tumblers[4254] to be drunk with cream And prunes at Islington.[4255] Stew. Good madam, hear me. Cel. I’ll rather be beholding to my aunt,45 The countess, for her mourning coach, than be Disparag’d so. Shall any juggling tradesman Be at charge to shoe his running-horse with gold, And shall my coach nails be but single gilt! How dare these knaves abuse me so? Stew. Vouchsafe50 To hear me speak. Cel. Is my sedan yet finish’d, And liveries for my men-mules,[4256] according As I gave charge? Stew. Yes, madam, it is finish’d, But without tilting-plumes at the four corners; The scarlet’s pure, but not embroidered.55 Cel. What mischief were it to your conscience Were my coach lin’d with tissue, and my harness Cover’d with needle-work? if my sedan Had all the story of the prodigal Embroidered with pearl? Stew. Alas, good madam,60 I know ’t is your own cost; I am but your steward, And would discharge my duty the best way, You have been pleas’d to hear me; ’t is not for My profit that I manage your estate And save expense, but for your honour, madam. Cel. How, sir! my honour? Stew. Though you hear it not,66 Men’s tongues are liberal in your character, Since you began to live thus high. I know Your fame is precious to you. Cel. I were best Make you my governor. Audacious varlet!70 How dare you interpose your doting counsel? Mind your affairs with more obedience, Or I shall ease you of an office, sir. Must I be limited to please your honour, Or, for the vulgar breath, confine my pleasures? I will pursue ’em in what shapes I fancy,76 Here, and abroad; my entertainments shall Be oft’ner, and more rich. Who shall control me? I live i’ th’ Strand, whither few ladies come To live, and purchase more than fame. I will Be hospitable then, and spare no cost81 That may engage all generous report To trumpet forth my bounty and my bravery,[4257] Till the court envy, and remove. I’ll have My house the academy of wits, who shall85 Exalt their genius with rich sack and sturgeon, Write panegyrics of my feasts, and praise The method of my witty superfluities. The horses shall be taught, with frequent waiting Upon my gates, to stop in their career90 Toward Charing-cross, spite of the coachman’s fury; And not a tilter but shall strike[4258] his plume, When he sails by my window: my balcony Shall be the courtier’s idol, and more gaz’d at Than all the pageantry at Temple Bar,95 By country clients. Stew. Sure my lady’s mad. Cel. Take that for your ill manners. [Strikes him.] Stew. Thank you, madam.— I would there were less quicksilver in your fingers. Exit. Cel. There ’s more than simple honesty in a servant Requir’d to his full duty; none should dare100 But with a look, much less a saucy language, Check at their mistress’ pleasure. I’m resolv’d To pay for some delight, my estate will bear it; I’ll rein it shorter when I please.

Stew. A gentleman Desires to speak with your ladyship. Cel. His name?105 Stew. He says you know him not; he seems to be Of quality. Cel. Admit him. [Exit Steward.] Enter Haircut. Sir, with me? Hair. Madam, I know not how you may receive This boldness from me; but my fair intents Known, will incline you to be charitable.110 Cel. No doubt, sir. Hair. He must live obscurely, madam, That hath not heard what virtues you possess; And I, a poor admirer of your fame, Am come to kiss your hand. Cel. That all your business? Hair. Though it were worth much travel, I have more115 In my ambition. Cel. Speak it freely, sir. Hair. You are a widow. Cel. So! Hair. And I a bachelor. Cel. You come a wooing, sir, and would perhaps Show me a way to reconcile the two? Hair. And bless my stars for such a happiness.120 Cel. I like you, sir, the better, that you do not Wander about, but shoot home to the meaning; It is a confidence will make a man Know sooner what to trust to: but I never Saw you before, and I believe you come not125 With hope to find me desperate upon marriage. If maids, out of their ignorance of what Men are, refuse these offers, widows may, Out of their knowledge, be allow’d some coyness: And yet I know not how much happiness130 A peremptory answer may deprive me of;— You may be some young lord, and though I see not Your footmen and your groom, they may not be Far off, in conference with your horse. Please you To instruct me with your title, against which I would not willingly offend. Hair. I am136 A gentleman; my name is Haircut, madam. Cel. Sweet Master Haircut, are you a courtier? Hair. Yes. Cel. I did think so, by your confidence. Not to detain you, sir, with circumstance,140 I was not so unhappy in my husband, But that ’t is possible I may be a wife Again; but I must tell you, he that wins My affection, shall deserve me. Hair. I will hope, If you can love, I shall not present, madam,145 An object to displease you in my person: And when time, and your patience, shall possess you With further knowledge of me, and the truth Of my devotion, you will not repent The offer of my service. Cel. You say well.150 How long do you imagine you can love, sir? Is it a quotidian, or will it hold But every other day? Hair. You are pleasant,[4259] madam. Cel. Does it take you with a burning at the first, Or with a cold fit? for you gentlemen155 Have both your summer and your winter service. Hair. I am ignorant what you mean; but I shall never Be cold in my affection to such beauty. Cel. And ’t will be somewhat long ere I be warm in’t. Hair. If you vouchsafe me so much honour, madam,160 That I may wait on you sometimes, I sha’ not Despair to see a change. Cel. But now I know Your mind, you shall not need to tell it when You come again; I shall remember it. Hair. You make me fortunate.

Stew. Madam, your kinswomen,165 The lady Novice, and her sister, are New lighted from their coach. Cel. I did expect ’em, They partly are my pupils. I ’ll attend ’em. [Exit Steward.] Hair. Madam, I have been too great a trespasser Upon your patience; I will take my leave.170 You have affairs, and I have some employment Calls me to court; I shall present again A servant to you. Exit. Cel. Sir, you may present, But not give fire, I hope.—Now to the ladies. This recreation ’s past, the next must be175 To read to them some court philosophy. Exit.