Tophas. No; but love hath, as it were, 25 milk’d my thoughts and drained from my heart the very substance of my accustomed courage; it worketh in my head like new wine, so as I must hoop my sconce with iron, lest my head break, and so I bewray[41] my brains. But, I 30 pray thee, first discover me in all parts, that I may be like a lover, and then will I sigh and die. Take my gun and give me a gown: Cedant arma togæ.[42]

Epi. Here. 35

Tophas. Take my sword and shield and give me beard-brush and scissors: Bella gerant alii, tu Pari semper ama.[43]

Epi. Will you be trimm’d, sir?

Tophas. Not yet; for I feel a contention 40 within me whether I shall frame the bodkin beard or the bush. But take my pike and give me pen: Dicere quæ puduit, scribere jussit amor.[44]

Epi. I will furnish you, sir.

Tophas. Now, for my bow and bolts give 45 me ink and paper, for my smiter a pen-knife; for

Scalpellum, calami, atramentum, charta, libelli, Sint semper studiis arma parata meis.[45]

Epi. Sir, will you give over wars and play 50 with that bauble called love?

Tophas. Give over wars? No, Epi, Militat omnis amans, et habet sua castra Cupido.[46]

Epi. Love hate made you very eloquent, but your face is nothing fair. 55

Tophas. Non formosus erat, sed erat facundus Ulysses.[47]

Epi. Nay, I must seek a new master if you can speak nothing but verses.

Tophas. Quicquid conabar dicere, versus 60 erat.[48] Epi, I feel all Ovid De Arte Amandi lie as heavy at my heart as a load of logs. Oh, what a fine, thin hair hath Dipsas! What a pretty low forehead! What a tall and stately nose! What little hollow eyes! What great 65 and goodly lips! How harmless she is, being toothless,—her fingers fat and short, adorned with long nails like a bittern! In how sweet a proportion her cheeks hang down to her breasts like dugs and her paps to her waist like bags! 70 What a low stature she is, and yet what a great foot she carrieth! How thrifty must she be in whom there is no waist! How virtuous is she like to be, over whom no man can be jealous!

Epi. Stay, master, you forget yourself. 75

Tophas. O Epi, even as a dish melteth by the fire, so doth my wit increase by love.

Epi. Pithily, and to the purpose! But what, begin you to nod?

Tophas. Good Epi, let me take a nap; for 80 as some man may better steal a horse than another look over the hedge, so divers shall be sleepy when they would fainest take rest.

He sleeps.

Epi. Who ever saw such a woodcock![49] Love Dipsas! Without doubt all the world will 85 account him valiant, that ventureth on her whom none durst undertake. But here cometh two wags.

Enter Dares and Samias.

Sam. Thy master hath slept his share.

Dar. I think he doth it because he would 90 not pay me my board-wages.

Sam. It is a thing most strange: and I think mine will never return, so that we must both seek new masters, for we shall never live by our manners. 95

Epi. If you want masters, join with me and serve Sir Tophas; who must needs keep more men, because he is toward marriage.

Sam. What, Epi, where’s thy master?

Epi. Yonder, sleeping in love. 100

Dar. Is it possible?

Epi. He hath taken his thoughts a hole lower, and saith, seeing it is the fashion of the world, he will vail[50] bonnet to beauty.

Sam. How is he attired? 105

Epi. Lovely.

Dar. Whom loveth this amorous knight?

Epi. Dipsas.

Sam. That ugly creature? Why, she is a fool, a scold, fat, without fashion, and quite 110 without favour.

Epi. Tush, you be simple; my master hath a good marriage.

Dar. Good! As how?

Epi. Why, in marrying Dipsas he shall 115 have every day twelve dishes of meat to his dinner, though there be none but Dipsas with him: four of flesh, four of fish, four of fruit.

Sam. As how, Epi?

Epi. For flesh these: woodcock, goose, 120 bittern, and rail.

Dar. Indeed, he shall not miss, if Dipsas be there.

Epi. For fish these: crab, carp, lump, and pouting. 125

Sam. Excellent, for of my word she is both crabbish, lumpish, and carping.

Epi. For fruit these: fritters, medlars, hartichokes, and lady-longings. Thus you see he shall fare like a king, though he be but a 130 beggar.

Dar. Well, Epi, dine thou with him, for I had rather fast than see her face. But see, thy master is asleep; let us have a song to wake this amorous knight. 135

Epi. Agreed.

Sam. Content.

The First Song.[51]

Epi. Here snores Tophas, That amorous ass, Who loves Dipsas,140 With face so sweet, Nose and chin meet.

All three. { At sight of her each Fury skips

And flings into her lap their whips.

Dar. Holla, holla in his ear.145 Sam. The witch, sure, thrust her fingers there. Epi. Cramp him, or wring the fool by th’ nose; Dar. Or clap some burning flax to his toes. Sam. What music’s best to wake him? Epi. Bow-wow, let bandogs shake him!150 Dar. Let adders hiss in ’s ear; Sam. Else earwigs wriggle there. Epi. No, let him batten[52]; when his tongue Once goes, a cat is not worse strung.

All three. { But if he ope nor mouth nor eyes,155

He may in time sleep himself wise.

Top. Sleep is a binding of the senses, love a loosing.

Epi. [Aside.] Let us hear him awhile.

Top. There appeared in my sleep a goodly 160 owl, who, sitting upon my shoulder, cried “Twit, twit”; and before mine eyes presented herself the express image of Dipsas. I marvelled what the owl said, till at the last I perceived “Twit, twit,” “To it, to it,” only 165 by contraction admonished by this vision to make account of my sweet Venus.

Sam. Sir Tophas, you have overslept yourself.

Top. No, youth, I have but slept over 170 my love.

Dar. Love? Why, it is impossible that into so noble and unconquered a courage love should creep, having first a head as hard to pierce as steel, then to pass to a heart 175 arm’d with a shirt of mail.

Epi. Ay, but my master yawning one day in the sun, Love crept into his mouth before he could close it, and there kept such a tumbling in his body that he was glad to untruss[53] 180 the points of his heart and entertain Love as a stranger.

Top. If there remain any pity in you, plead for me to Dipsas.

Dar. Plead! Nay, we will press her to it. 185 [Aside to Samias.] Let us go with him to Dipsas, and there shall we have good sport.—But, Sir Tophas, when shall we go? For I find my tongue voluble, and my heart venturous, and all myself like myself. 190

Sam. [Aside to Dares.] Come, Dares, let us not lose him until we find our masters, for as long as he liveth, we shall lack neither mirth nor meat.

Epi. We will traverse.[54] Will you go, sir? 195

Top. I præ, sequar.[55]

Exeunt.

Notes in this chapter

Note 1 · In the Gardens of the Palace.Note 2 · Here, and below, the allusions are to W. Lilly’s Latin Grammar.Note 3 · Disclose.Note 4 · Cicero, De Officiis, i. 22, 76.Note 5 · Adapted from Ovid, Heroides, xvii. 254.Note 6 · Ovid, Her. iv. 10.Note 7 · These lines seem to be Lyly’s own.Note 8 · Ovid, Amores, i. 9. 1.Note 9 · Ovid, Ars Amatoria, ii. 123.Note 10 · Ovid, Tristia, iv. 10, 26.Note 11 · Simpleton.Note 12 · Take off.Note 13 · The Song appears first in Blount’s edition.Note 14 · Grow fat.Note 15 · To untie the laces.Note 16 · So Baker. Old edd. Travice.Note 17 · Terence, Andria, 1. i. 144.