Act 1 — Scene III.[10]
Reading edition
Scene III.[10]
[Enter] Dares and Samias.
Dares. Now our masters are in love up to the ears, what have we to do but to be in knavery up to the crowns?
Samias. Oh, that we had Sir Tophas, that brave squire, in the midst of our mirth,—et 5 ecce autem, “Will you see the Devil”,—
Enter Sir Tophas [and Epiton].
Top. Epi!
Epi. Here, sir.
Top. I brook not this idle humour of love; it tickleth not my liver, from whence the lovemongers 10 in former ages seemed to infer they should proceed.
Epi. Love, sir, may lie in your lungs,—and I think it doth, and that is the cause you blow and are so pursy. 15
Top. Tush, boy, I think it but some device of the poet to get money.
Epi. A poet? What’s that?
Top. Dust thou not know what a poet is?
Epi. No. 20
Top. Why, fool, a poet is as much as one should say—a poet. [Noticing Dares and Samias.] But soft, yonder be two wrens; shall I shoot at them?
Epi. They are two lads. 25
Top. Larks or wrens, I will kill them.
Epi. Larks! Are you blind? They are two little boys.
Top. Birds or boys, they are both but a pittance for my breakfast; therefore have at 30 them, for their brains must as it were embroider my bolts.[11]
Sam. Stay your courage, valiant knight, for your wisdom is so weary that it stayeth itself.
Dar. Why, Sir Tophas, have you forgotten 35 your old friends?
Top. Friends? Nego argumentum.
Sam. And why not friends?
Top. Because amicitia (as in old annals we find) is inter pares. Now, my pretty companions 40 you shall see how unequal you be to me; but I will not cut you quite off, you shall be my half-friends for reaching to my middle; so far as from the ground to the waist I will be your friend. 45
Dar. Learnedly. But what shall become of the rest of your body, from the waist to the crown?
Top. My children, quod supra vos nihil ad vos; you must think the rest immortal, because 50 you cannot reach it.
Epi. Nay, I tell ye my master is more than a man.
Dar. And thou less than a mouse.
Top. But what be you two? 55
Sam. I am Samias, page to [Eumenides].
Dar. And I Dares, page to [Endymion].
Top. Of what occupation are your masters?
Dar. Occupation, you clown! Why, they are honourable and warriors. 60
Top. Then are they my prentices.
Dar. Thine! And why so?
Top. I was the first that ever devised war, and therefore by Mars himself given me for my arms a whole armory; and thus I go, as you 65 see, clothed with artillery. It is not silks, milksops, nor tissues, nor the fine wool of Seres,[12] but iron, steel, swords, flame, shot, terror, clamour, blood, and ruin, that rocks asleep my thoughts, which never had any other cradle70 but cruelty. Let me see, do you not bleed?
Dar. Why so?
Top. Commonly my words wound.
Sam. What then do your blows?
Top. Not only [wound],[13] but also confound.75
Sam. How darest thou come so near thy master, Epi? Sir Tophas, spare us.
Top. You shall live:—you, Samias, because you are little; you, Dares, because you are no bigger; and both of you, because you are but80 two; for commonly I kill by the dozen, and have for every particular adversary a peculiar weapon.
Sam. May we know the use, for our better skill in war?
Top. You shall. Here is a bird-bolt for the85 ugly beast the blackbird.
Dar. A cruel sight.
Top. Here is the musket for the untamed or, as the vulgar sort term it, the wild mallard.[14]
Sam. O desperate attempt!90
Epi. Nay, my master will match them.
Dar. Ay, if he catch them.
Top. Here is a spear and shield, and both necessary, the one to conquer, the other to subdue or overcome the terrible trout, which although95 he be under the water, yet tying a string to the top of my spear and an engine of iron to the end of my line, I overthrow him, and then herein I put him.
Sam. O wonderful war! [Aside.] Dares,100 didst thou ever hear such a dolt?
Dar. [Aside.] All the better; we shall have good sport hereafter, if we can get leisure.
Sam. [Aside.] Leisure! I will rather lose my master’s service than his company! Look105 how he struts. [To Sir Tophas.] But what is this? Call you it your sword?
Top. No, it is my simitar; which I, by construction often studying to be compendious, call my smiter.110
Dar. What, are you also learned, sir?
Top. Learned? I am all Mars and Ars.
Sam. Nay, you are all mass and ass.
Top. Mock you me? You shall both suffer, yet with such weapons as you shall make choice115 of the weapon wherewith you shall perish. Am I all a mass or lump; is there no proportion in me? Am I all ass; is there no wit in me? Epi, prepare them to the slaughter.
Sam. I pray, sir, hear us speak! We call120 you mass, which your learning doth well understand is all man, for mas, maris is a man. Then as (as you know) is a weight, and we for your virtues account you a weight.
Top. The Latin hath saved your lives, the125 which a world of silver could not have ransom’d. I understand you, and pardon you.
Dar. Well, Sir Tophas, we bid you farewell, and at our next meeting we will be ready to do you service.130
Top. Samias, I thank you: Dares, I thank you: but especially I thank you both.
Sam. [Aside.] Wisely. Come, next time we ’ll have some pretty gentlewomen with us to walk, for without doubt with them he will135 be very dainty.
Dar. Come, let us see what our masters do; it is high time.
Exeunt [Samias and Dares.]
Top. Now will I march into the field, where, if I cannot encounter with my foul140 enemies, I will withdraw myself to the river, and there fortify for fish, for there resteth no minute free from fight.
Exeunt [Sir Tophas and Epiton.]145