Act 4 — [Scene IV.][3873]
Reading edition
[Scene IV.][3873]
Enter Hoard.
Hoa. What a sweet blessing hast thou, Master Hoard, above a multitude! Wilt thou never be thankful? How dost thou think to be blest another time? Or dost thou count this the full measure of thy happiness? By my troth, I5 think thou dost: not only a wife large in possessions, but spacious in content; she ’s rich, she ’s young, she ’s fair, she ’s wise. When I wake, I think of her lands—that revives me; when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty—and that ’s10 enough for me: she’s worth four hundred a-year in her very smock, if a man knew how to use it. But the journey will be all, in troth, into the country; to ride to her lands in state and order following; my brother, and other worshipful15 gentlemen, whose companies I ha’ sent down for already, to ride along with us in their goodly decorum beards, their broad velvet cassocks, and chains of gold twice or thrice double; against which time I ’ll entertain some ten20 men of mine own into liveries, all of occupations or qualities; I will not keep an idle man about me: the sight of which will so vex my adversary Lucre—for we ’ll pass by his door a’ purpose, make a little stand for [the] nonce, and have25 our horses curvet before the window—certainly he will never endure it, but run up and hang himself presently.
[Enter Servant.]
How now, sirrah, what news? Any that offer their service to me yet?30
Ser. Yes, sir, there are some i’ th’ hall that wait for your worship’s liking, and desire to be entertain’d.
Hoa. Are they of occupation?
Ser. They are men fit for your worship, sir.35
Hoa. Sayest so? Send ’em all in. [Exit Servant.]—To see ten men ride after me in watchet[3874] liveries, with orange-tawny capes,—’t will cut his comb, i’ faith.
Enter All [Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman].
How now? Of what occupation are you, sir?40
Tai. A tailor, an ’t please your worship.
Hoa. A tailor? O, very good: you shall serve to make all the liveries.—What are you, sir?
Bar. A barber, sir.
Hoa. A barber? very needful: you shall shave all the house, and, if need require, stand for46 a reaper i’ th’ summer time.—You, sir?
Per. A perfumer.
Hoa. I smelt you before. Perfumers, of all men, had need carry themselves uprightly;50 for if they were once knaves, they would be smelt out quickly.—To you, sir?
Fal. A falconer, an ’t please your worship.
Hoa. Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho![3875]—And you, sir?
Hunt. A huntsman, sir.55
Hoa. There, boy, there, boy, there, boy![3876] I am not so old but I have pleasant days to come. I promise, you, my masters, [I take such a good liking to you, that I entertain you all;] I put you already into my countenance, and you60 shall be shortly in my livery; but especially you two, my jolly falconer and my bonny huntsman; we shall have most need of you at my wife’s manor-houses i’ th’ country; there’s goodly parks and champion[3877] grounds for you; we65 shall have all our sports within ourselves; all the gentlemen a’ th’ country shall be beholding to us and our pastimes.
Fal. And we ’ll make your worship admire, sir.70
Hoa. Sayest thou so? Do but make me admire, and thou shall want for nothing.—My tailor.
Tai. Anon, sir.
Hoa. Go presently in hand with the liveries.75
Tai. I will, sir.
Hoa. My barber.
Bar. Here, sir.
Hoa. Make ’em all trim fellows, louse ’em well,—especially my huntsman,—and cut80 all their beards of the Polonian fashion.—My perfumer.
Per. Under your nose, sir.
Hoa. Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away the scent of my tailor’s feet, and my barber’s lotium-water.86
Per. It shall be carefully perform’d, sir.
Hoa. But you, my falconer and huntsman, the welcom’st men alive, i’ faith!
Hunt. And we ’ll show you that, sir, shall90 deserve your worship’s favour.
Hoa. I prithee, show me that.—Go, you knaves all, and wash your lungs i’ th’ buttery, go. [Exeunt Tailor, Barber, &c.]—By th’ mass, and well rememb’red! I ’ll ask my wife95 that question.—Wife, Mistress Jane Hoard!
Enter Courtesan, alter’d in apparel.
Cour. Sir, would you with me?
Hoa. I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or i’ th’ country?100
Cour. Hum:—faith, sir, ’t would like me better here; here you were married, here let all rites be ended.
Hoa. Could a marquesse[3878] give a better answer? Hoard, bear thy head aloft, thou ’st a wife will advance it.106
Enter Host with a letter.
What haste comes here now? Yea, a letter? Some dreg of my adversary’s malice. Come hither; what ’s the news?109
Host. A thing that concerns my mistress, sir.
Giving a letter to Courtesan.
Hoa. Why then it concerns me, knave.
Host. Ay, and you, knave, too (cry your worship mercy). You are both like to come into trouble, I promise you, sir; a pre-contract.[3879]
Hoa. How? a pre-contract, sayest thou?115
Host. I fear they have too much proof on ’t, sir: old Lucre, he runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast as he can; young Witgood laid hold on by his creditors, he exclaims119 upon you a’ t’ other side, says you have wrought his undoing by the injurious detaining of his contract.
Hoa. Body a’ me!
Host. He will have utmost satisfaction: The law shall give him recompense, he says.125
Cour. [Aside.] Alas, his creditors so merciless! my state being yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to further him.
Host. True, sir.
Hoa. Wife, what says that letter? Let me construe it.131
Cour. Curst be my rash and unadvised words! [Tears the letter and stamps on it.] I ’ll set my foot upon my tongue. And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.
Hoa. Wife——135
Host. [Aside.] A pretty shift, i’ faith! I commend a woman when she can make away a letter from her husband handsomely, and this was cleanly done, by my troth.
Cour. I did, sir;140 Some foolish words I must confess did pass, Which now litigiously he fastens on me.
Hoa. Of what force? Let me examine ’em.
Cour. Too strong, I fear: would I were well freed of him!145
Hoa. Shall I compound?
Cour. No, sir, I ’d have it done some nobler way Of your side; I ’d have you come off with honour; Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not The means, sir? The occasion’s offer’d you.150
Hoa. Where, how, dear wife?
Cour. He is now caught by his creditors; the slave’s needy; his debts petty; he ’ll rather bind himself to all inconveniences than rot in prison; by this only means you may get a release from him. ’T is not yet come to his uncle’s156 hearing; send speedily for the creditors; by this time he ’s desperate; he ’ll set his hand to anything: take order for his debts, or discharge ’em quite: a pax on him, let ’s be rid of a rascal!161
Hoa. Excellent! Thou dost astonish me,—Go, run, make haste; Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither.
Host. [Aside.] This will be some revenge yet.
[Exit.]
Hoa. In the mean space I ’ll have a release drawn.—166 Within there!
[Enter Servant.]
[Ser.] Sir?
Hoa. Sirrah, come take direction; go to my scrivener.
Cour. [Aside, while Hoard gives directions to the Servant.] I ’m yet like those whose riches lie in dreams,170 If I be wakt, they ’re false; such is my fate, Who venture deeper than the desperate state. Though I have sinn’d, yet could I become new, For where I once vow, I am ever true.
Hoa. Away, despatch, on my displeasure quickly.175
[Exit Servant.]
Happy occasion! pray Heaven he be in the right vein now to set his hand to ’t, that nothing alter him; grant that all his follies may meet in him at once, to besot him enough! I pray for him, i’ faith, and here he comes.180
[Enter Witgood and Creditors.]
Wit. What would you with me now, my uncle’s spiteful adversary?
Hoa. Nay, I am friends.
Wit. Ay, when your mischief ’s spent.
Hoa. I heard you were arrested.
Wit. Well, what then? You will pay none of my debts, I am sure.185 Hoa. A wise man cannot tell; There may be those conditions ’greed upon May move me to do much. Wit. Ay, when?— ’T is thou, perjured woman! (O, no name Is vile enough to match thy treachery!)190 That art the cause of my confusion. Cour. Out, you penurious slave! Hoa. Nay, wife, you are too froward; Let him alone; give losers leave to talk. Wit. Shall I remember thee of another promise Far stronger than the first? Cour. I ’d fain know that.195 Wit. ’T would call shame to thy cheeks. Cour. Shame! Wit. Hark in your ear.—[They converse apart.] Will he come off, think’st thou, and pay my debts roundly?
Cour. Doubt nothing; there’s a release a-drawing and all, to which you must set your hand.201
Wit. Excellent!
Cour. But methinks, i’ faith, you might have made some shift to discharge this yourself, having in the mortgage, and never have burd’ned my conscience with it.206
Wit. A’ my troth, I could not, for my creditors’ cruelties extend to the present.
Cour. No more.— Why, do your worst for that, I defy you.210
Wit. You ’re impudent: I ’ll call up witnesses.
Cour. Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted To follies a long time.
Hoa. Wife, you ’re too bitter.— Master Witgood, and you, my masters, you shall hear a mild speech come from me now, and215 this it is: ’t has been my fortune, gentlemen, to have an extraordinary blessing poured upon me a’ late, and here she stands; I have wedded her, and bedded her, and yet she is little the worse. Some foolish words she hath past to you in the country, and some peevish[3880] debts you221 owe here in the city; set the hare’s head to the goose-giblet,[3881] release you her of her words, and I ’ll release you of your debts, sir.
Wit. Would you so? I thank you for that, sir: I cannot blame you, i’ faith.226
Hoa. Why, are not debts better than words, sir?
Wit. Are not words promises, and are not promises debts, sir?230
Hoa. [Aside.] He plays at back-racket[3882] with me.
1 Cred. Come hither, Master Witgood, come hither; be rul’d by fools once.
2 Cred. We are citizens, and know what belongs to ’t.236
1 Cred. Take hold of his offer: pax on her, let her go. If your debts were once discharg’d, I would help you to a widow myself worth ten of her.240
3 Cred. Mass, partner, and now you remember me on ’t, there ’s Master Mulligrub’s sister newly fallen a widow.
1 Cred. Cuds me, as pat as can be! There ’s a widow left for you; ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels, et cetera: I warrant it a246 match; we can do all in all with her. Prithee, despatch; we ’ll carry thee to her presently.
Wit. My uncle will ne’er endure me when he shall hear I set my hand to a release.250
2 Cred. Hark, I ’ll tell thee a trick for that. I have spent five hundred pound in suits in my time, I should be wise. Thou ’rt now a prisoner; make a release; take ’t of my word, whatsoever a man makes as long as he is in255 durance, ’t is nothing in law, not thus much.
[Snaps his fingers.]
Wit. Say you so, sir?
3 Cred. I have paid for ’t; I know ’t.
Wit. Proceed then; I consent.
3 Cred. Why, well said.260
Hoa. How now, my masters, what have you done with him?
1 Cred. With much ado, sir, we have got him to consent.
Hoa. Ah—a—a! and what come his debts to now?266
1 Cred. Some eight score odd pounds, sir.
Hoa. Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw! tell me the second time; give me a lighter sum. They are but desperate debts, you know; ne’er call’d270 in but upon such an accident; a poor, needy knave, he would starve and rot in prison. Come, come, you shall have ten shillings in the pound, and the sum down roundly.
1 Cred. You must make it a mark, sir.275
Hoa. Go to then, tell your money in the meantime; you shall find little less there. [Giving them money.]—Come, Master Witgood, you are so unwilling to do yourself good now!
[Enter Scrivener.]
Welcome, honest scrivener.—Now you shall hear the release read.281
Scri. [reads.] Be it known to all men, by these presents, that I, Theodorus Witgood, gentleman, sole nephew to Pecunius Lucre, having unjustly made title and claim to one285 Jane Medler, late widow of Anthony Medler, and now wife to Walkadine Hoard, in consideration of a competent sum of money to discharge my debts, do for ever hereafter disclaim any title, right, estate, or interest in or to290 the said widow, late in the occupation of the said Anthony Medler, and now in the occupation of Walkadine Hoard; as also neither to lay claim by virtue of any former contract, grant, promise, or demise, to any of her295 manors, manor-houses, parks, groves, meadowgrounds, arable lands, barns, stacks, stables, dove-holes, and coney-burrows; together with all her cattle, money, plate, jewels, borders, chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, 300 moveables or immoveables. In witness whereof, I the said Theodorus Witgood, have interchangeably set to my hand and seal before these presents, the day and date above written.
Wit. What a precious fortune hast thou slipt here, like a beast as thou art!306
Hoa. Come, unwilling heart, come.
Wit. Well, Master Hoard, give me the pen; I see ’T is vain to quarrel with our destiny. [Signs the paper.]
Hoa. O, as vain a thing as can be! you 310 cannot commit a greater absurdity, sir. So, so; give me that hand now; before all these presents, I am friends for ever with thee.
Wit. Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I should bear you any grudge, i’ faith. 315
Hoa. Content: I ’ll send for thy uncle against the wedding dinner; we will be friends once again.
Wit. I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.
Hoa. How now? Is ’t right, my masters?320
1 Cred. ’T is something wanting, sir; yet it shall be sufficient.
Hoa. Why, well said; a good conscience makes a fine show now-a-days. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my wine ere you depart.326
All. We follow you, sir.
[Exeunt Hoard and Scrivener.]
Wit. [Aside.] I ’ll try these fellows now.—A word, sir: what, will you carry me to that widow now?330
1 Cred. Why, do you think we were in earnest, i’ faith? Carry you to a rich widow? We should get much credit by that: a noted rioter! a contemptible prodigal! ’T was a trick we have amongst us to get in our money: fare you well, sir.336
Exeunt [Creditors].
Wit. Farewell, and be hang’d, you short pig-hair’d, ram-headed rascals! He that believes in you shall ne’er be sav’d, I warrant him. By this new league I shall have some access unto my love.341
[Joyce appears above.]
Joyce. Master Witgood!
Wit. My life!
Joyce. Meet me presently; that note directs you [throws him a letter]: I would not be suspected. 345 Our happiness attends us: farewell.
Wit. A word ’s enough.
Exeunt [severally].