The Long-Nos'd LASS or
Reading edition
The Taylors, Millers, Tinkers, Tanners, and Glovers; with a great number of other Tradesmen, dash't out of Countenance by a Sow-Ships Beauty, to their great discontent, and her perpetual trouble.
Tune of The Country Farmer.
This may be printed R. P.
[22.]O did you not hear of a Rumor of late, Concerning a person whose Fortune was great; Her portion was Seventeen thousand good pound, But yet a good Husband was not to be found: The reason of this I will tell to you now, Her visage was perfectly just like a Sow, And many to Court her came flocking each day, But seeing her, straight they run frighted away.
Amongst all the rest, a fine Taylor also,
Resolv'd to this person a Suitor to go;
Quoth he, at the present, alas I am poor,
Of Silver and Gold I shall then have good store:
But if I do get her, I then shall be made,
Therefore I will put on the best of my Cloaths,
My Hat, with my Band, and my Holyday Hose.
The hopes of this Fortune his fancy did feed, And therefore to her he did hasten with speed, When coming, he straight for this person did ask, She came her own self in a fine Visor, Mask; And said, I am she, Sir, pray what would you have? I'm come, quoth the Taylor, your Love for to crave; She open'd the door, and bid him welcome in, And then to his Courting he straight did begin.
The Taylor went on with a noble good grace, Like one of much Courage his Love to Embrace; Thought he, with a Fortune I now shall be blest, But, listen, I pray, to the Cream of the Jest: She pull'd off her Vizor, and turn'd her about, And straightway the Taylor beheld her long Snout; Ah! how he was frighted and run out of door, And vow'd he would never come near her no more.
The next was a Miller who to her did Ride, Resolved he was for to make her his Bride; Quoth he, as I now am a right honest Man, I'le Wed her and Love her as well as I can; For Beauty, O let it be now as it will, As long as she brings me good Grist to the Mill; Both Silver and Gold I shall have at Command, With which I will Purchase me Houses and Land.
I now in conceit am as great as a Lord, What pleasures soever the World can afford, I'le have it, and likewise in Silver will shine, Then Gillian will wonder to see me so fine: To Robin my Servant, I'le give my great Bowl, With which I was formerly us'd to take Toll, And likewise the Mill, if I marry this Maid, For never no more will I follow the Trade.
As he was a riding to her on his Mare, He thus was a building Castles in the air; But when he beheld her most amiable Face, Alas! he was soon in a sorrowful Case; His hopes were confounded, away he did run, Saying, should I have her, a thousand to one. But I shall be frighted, when her I behold, Therefore I'le not have her for Silver or Gold.
Both Tinkers and Tanners and Glovers also Came to her, the Money encouraged them so; Nay, thousands came to her then every day, Each striving to carry this Beauty away: But when they beheld this most ordinary stuff, The sight of her Visage did give them enuff; Yet if she be Marry'd while here she does live, A perfect account of the Wedding I'le give.
[17.] Says one, why is thy Beard so brown, and thy head so white? Cause, says he, my head is twenty years older than my beard.
[4.] A Tinker coming through Cornhill, and sounding briskly on his kettle, Have you any Work for a Tinker? A Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him (there being a Pillory near his door) bid him stop those two Holes, pointing to the Pillory: to whom the Tinker smartly replyed, Sir, if you will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a Hammer and Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain.
A Dialogue concerning Hair, between a Man and a Woman.
M.
[13.]Ask me no more why I do wear
For the first Man that e're was made
Did never know the Barbers Trade.
W.
Ask me no more where all the day The foolish Owl doth make her stay: Tis in your Locks; for tak't from me, She thinks your hair an Ivy tree.
M.
Tell me no more that length of hair
Can make my visage look less fair;
For how so'er my hair doth fit,
W.
Tell me no more men wear long hair To chase away the Colder air; For by experience we may see Long hair will but a back friend be.
M.
Tell me no more that long hair can
For 'tis Religious being inclin'd
To save the Temples from the wind.
W.
Ask me no more why Roarers wear Their hair extant below their ear; For having morgag'd all their Land, They'd fain oblige the appearing Band.
M.
Ask me no more why hair may be The expression of Gentility: 'Tis that which being largely grown Derives its Gentry from the Crown.
W.
Ask me no more why grass being grown, With greedy Sickle is cut down, Till short and sweet; So ends my Song, Lest that long hair should grow too long.
[12.]Some did ask Tom Gold What's Latin for Cold; Why truly, says he, my Friends, I know it full well, And I feel I can tell, For I hav't at my fingers ends.
[18.] A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his Religion was before Luther. In the Bible, says he, where yours never was.
[8.] A witty Rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had occasion for some lace, choice wherof being shewed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them how much they would have for so much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for, and they told him for so much; so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure on his own head, thus saying, One ear is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in Bristoll, and I fear you have not so much of this Lace by you at present as will perfect my bargain; therefore this piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, & provide the rest with all expedition.