A merry Jest of John Tomson and Jakaman his Wife Whose Jealousie was justly the cause of all their strife.
Reading edition
[57.]When I was a Batchelour I liv'd a merry life, But now I am a married man, and troubled with a wife, I cannot doe as I have done, because I live in feare, If I goe but to Islington, my wife is watching there Give me my yellow Hose againe, give me my yellow hose; For now my wife she watcheth me, see yonder where she goes. But when I was a prentice bound, and my Indentures made: In many faults I have beene found yet never thus afraid. For if I chance now by the way a woman for to kisse, The rest are ready for to say thy Wife shall know of this. Give me my yellow Hose &c. Thus when I come in company I passe my mirth in feare, For one or other merrily, will say my wife is there. And then my look doth make them laugh, to see my wofull case: How I stand like John hold my staffe, and dare not shew my face. Give me my yellow Hose &c. There comes a handsome woman in, and shakes me by the hand: But how my wife she did begin, now you shall understand. Faire dame (quoth she) why dost thou so? he gave his hand to me: And thou shalt know before thou go, he is no man for thee. Give me my yellow Hose &c. Good wife (quoth she) now doe not scould, I will doe so no more; I thought I might have beene so bolde I knowing him before. With that my wife was almost mad, yet many did intreat her; And I, God knowes, was very sad, for feare she would have beat her. Give me my yellow Hose &c. Thus marriage is an enterprise experience doth show; But scolding is an exercise, that married men doe know. For all this while there was no blowes, yet still their tongues was talking; And very fain would yellow hose have had her fists a walking. Give me my yellow Hose &c. In comes a neighbour of our towne, an honest man, God wot: And he must needes goe sit him downe, and call in for his pot. And said to me, I am the man which gave to you your wife, And I will doe the best I can, to mend this wicked life. Give me my yellow Hose &c. I gave him thankes, and bad him goe, and so he did indeed, And told my wife she was a shrow, but that was more than need. Saith he, thou hast an honest man, and one that loves thee well; Said she, you are a foole, good sir, It's more than you can tell. Give me my yellow Hose &c. And yet in truth he loveth me, but many more beside; And I may say, good Sir, to thee, that I cannot abide, For though he loves me as his life yet now, sir, wot you what, They say he loves his neighbours wife, I pray you how like you that. Give me my yellow Hose &c. Saith he, I hope I never shall seeke fancy fond to follow, For love is lawfull unto all except it be too yellow. Which lyeth like the Jaundies so, in these our Women's faces; That watch their husbands where they go and hunt them out in places. Give me my yellow Hose &c. Now comes my Neighbour's wife apace, to talke a word or two, My wife then meets her face to face, and saith, dame, is it you That makes so much of my good man, as if he were your owne? Then clamp as closely as you can, I know it will be known. Give me my yellow hose &c. Now when I saw the woman gone, I call'd my wife aside, And said why art thou such a one, that thou canst not abide A woman for to talke with mee, this is a wofull case, That I must keepe no company except you be in place. Give me my yellow hose &c. This maketh Batchelers to wooe so long before they wed, Because they heare that women now will be their husband's head. And seven yeare long I tarried for Jakaman my wife, But now that I am married I am weary of my life. Give me my yellow hose &c. For yellow love is too, too bad, without all wit or policie, And too much love hath made her mad, and fill'd her full of Jelousie. She thinkes I am in love with those I speake to passing by That makes her wear the yellow hose I gave her for to dye. Give me my yellow Hose &c. But now I see shee is so hot and lives so much at ease, I will goe get a Souldiers coate, and sayle beyond the Seas; To serve my Captain where and whan, though it be to my paine, Thus farewell gentle Jakaman, till we two meet againe. Give me my yellow Hose &c. Quoth she, good husband, doe not deale thus hardly now with me, And of a truth, I will reveale my cause of jealousie: You know I alwaies paid the score, you put me still in trust, I saved twenty pound and more, confesse it needes I must. Give me my yellow Hose &c. But now my saving of the same, for aught that I doe know; Made Jelousie to fire her frame, to weave this web of woe: And thus this foolish love of mine was very fondly bent, But now my gold and goods are thine, good husband, be content. Give me my yellow Hose &c. And thus to lead my life a new, I fully now purpose; That thou maist change thy coat of blew, and I my yellow hose. This being done, our Country wives may warning take by me, How they doe live such jealous lives, as I have done with thee. Give me my yellow Hose &c. M. L.
FINIS.
[17.] Two riding down a great hill together, one said, it was dangerous riding down: No, says t'other, I will not light; for I have but one pair of shooes, and I shall spoil 'em: says the other, and I have but one neck, and I fear I shall spoil that, and therefore I'l. light.
[12.]One hung a dirty sheet On a pale in the street, And there it did hang all the day But 'twas stole at Night, Says the Man, by this light They have stole it clean away.
[52.] Three loytring companions that fell in company together, domineered and swaggered so long, that all their mony was quite consumed and gone. So being pennilesse, and having little or no credit at all left, one of them said, Wee are now in a faire taking: for we may, if we please seek our Dinners with Duke Humphry. Nay, hold (quoth the second) If I come where any presse of people be, I can get mony enough for us all. And I (quoth the third) can as easily assemble people. They were at that time not much above two miles from a small Towne in Bark shire, where, when as thither they came, there was a new Pillory, newly set up, which the third of them seeing, steps to the Bailiffe, and desires him to have the first turn at their new Pillory. The Bailiffe, being a Butcher, was half amazed, and standing a while musing, at the last asked counsell of his honest neighbours, and they bad him set up the knave and spare not. So he makes no more a doe, but up he went, and when he was up, he looked about, and saw his two fellow Cheaters busie with their hands in the holes of the Butcher's aprons, where they put all their money. To it, to it (quoth he) apace. The people laughed heartily to see him stand there. At last, when he saw that his fellows had sped their matters, and were going away, he said to the Bailiffe, Turn the Pillory about, and now I will come down. So he, laughing heartily, did. And when he was come down, the Bailiffe said, now art thou an honest good fellow, and because thou hast made us some sport, I will give thee a Teaster to drink; and, thinking to take some money out of the hole of his apron, he found there never a penny. Cockes armes, quoth the Bailiffe, my money is picked out of my apron; and then the rest of the Butcher's besides swore they had lost theirs also. I hope, quoth the fellow, you do not think that I have it. No, certainly, quoth the Bailiffe, I know well enough thou hast it not; for thou wert on the pillory all the while. Why then no harm, for I did it to make you merry, quoth the fellow, and so went his wayes.
[51.]Gentlemen that approch about my Stall,
To most rare Phisicke I invite you all;
Come neere and harken what I have to sell,
And deale with mee all those that are not well.
In this Boxe heere, I have such precious stuffe,
To give it prayse, I have not words enuffe:
If any Humour in your Braines be crept,
I'le fetch it out, as if your heads were swept.
Almost through Europe I have shewne my face
In every Towne, and every Market-place—
Behold this salve, (I do not use to lye)
Whole Hospitals there have been curde thereby.
I doe not stand heere like a tattar'd slave,
My Velvet, and my Chaine of Gold I have:
Which cannot be maintained by mens lookes;
Friends, all your Towne is hardly worth my Bookes.
There stands my Coach and Horses, t'is mine owne;
From hence to Turkie is my credite knowne:
In sooth I cannot boast, as many will,
Let nothing speake for mee, but onely skill.
See you that thing like Ginger-bread lies there.
My tongue cannot expresse to any eare
The sundrie vertues that it doth containe,
Or number halfe the Wormes that it hath slaine.
If in your Bellies there be crawlers bred
In multitudes like Haires upon your head,
Within some howers space, or there about,
At all the holes you have, I'le fetch them out,
And ferret them before that I have done,
Even like the Hare that foorth a Bush doth run.
Heere is a wond'rous Water for the Eye;
This for the Stomacke: Maisters will you buy?
When I am gone, you will repent too late,
And then (like fooles) among yourselves will prate,
Oh that we had that famous Man againe,
When I shall be suppli'd in France or Spaine:
That will the lives of halfe a dozen save.
My man has come, and in mine eare he sayes
At home for me at least an hundred stayes,
All Gentlemen; yet for your Good, you see,
I make them tarry, and attend for mee.
If that you have no Money, let me know,
Phisicke of almes upon you Ile bestow.
What Doctor in the world can offer more?
Such arrant Clownes I never knew before:
Heere you doe stand like Owles and gaze on mee,
But not a Penny from you I can see.
A man shall come to doe such Dunces good,
And cannot have his meaning understood?
To talke to senselesse people is in vaine,
I'le see you hang'd ere I'le come heere againe:
Be all diseas'd as bad as Horses be
And die in ditches like to Dogges, for me!
An Old-wives-medicine, Parseley, Time and Sage,
Will serve such Buzzards in this scurvey age:
Goose grease and Fennell, with a few Dog-dates,
Is excellent for such base lowzey mates:
To stretch your neckes as long as is mine arme.
87 Hempen.
The following is a Satire on card-playing, which, doubtless, was carried to excess by the Cavaliers in Charles I.'s time.
[58.]
"Ile trump that Sir"
Puss my aple gainst thy mouse jle lay The gam's mine jf thast ne'r a trump to play Mister apes face thart deceiud in mee I haue many trumpshers one dost see For a pint of wine the drawer call I come o prittie d'ye see this squall Apes and Catts to play at Cards are fitt Men & women ought to have more witt
[59.] A Continuation of a Catalogue of Ladies to be set up by Auction, on Monday the 6th of this Instant July.
Catalogues are distributed by the Booksellers of London & Westminster.
Conditions of Sale.
First. He who bids most is the Buyer, and if any Difference arises, she is to be put up again.
Secondly. That no Person shall bid less than £500 the first Proposal, and always advance £100.
Thirdly. That all of them shall be bound up in Silks; and if any shall happen to be otherwise, the Party that buys them shall be at Liberty to take them away or leave them.
By E. Cl——r Auctioneer that sold the young Heiress in Q—— Street.
£
1. One brisk Underbuilt young Widdow near Temple Bar 1000
2. A Buxome young Maid of 19 years of age, who stinks of powder, by the same Barr, provided her Father hath not given the £800 to the Poor, will be worth 2000
3. A Vintner's Widdow, who formerly lived against St Dunstan's Church, by reason of her non-Reputation 500
4. Three Sisters in Shier Lane very brisk, but 2nd hand, and go for Maids, each 800
5. An old Maiden-Sempstress in Fleet Street. 500
6. A Booksellers only Daughter in St Paul's Church Yard, if her Fathers Debts be all paid, value. 1600
7. A rich Widdow, Humptback, and crooked Legs, who has buried 2 Husb. 1900
8. A Country Farmer's Daughter, lately come to town, and lodges in Essex Street, a good face, but an ugly gate. 1100
9. A famous Conventicler's Daughter, near Covent Garden, provided he has a good gathering this year, will give her 1500
10. A Councellor's Daughter in the Temple, very well accomplished, only loves Brandy 2300
11. An Irish Lady, very tall, aged 16. 2700
12. A Soliciters Daughter, not streight but a good Face. 4000
13. Two Sisters, tall handsome Women, lodging by Shooe Lane, each 1000
14. A Plummers Daughter, in Fleet Street, brisk and airy, not to be bought under a Coach and 6. 1200
15. A Taylor's Daughter in the same Court, with a Flaxen Tow'r to cover her Carret head, worth 800
16. A Fat Widdow of St Brides Parish, she is but a little foolish, a Lumping Penny worth, 200
17. An Ale house keepers Daughter in Bell-yard, worth (To advance a Cravat String of 18d each bidding) 0000
18. A Barbers Wife near St Dunstans Church, lately divorced from her Husband, a pretty Woman, and fit for service. What you please
19. The Widdow of the Famous Dr S——fold, late Student in Physick Astrology and Poetry, besides her Talent in a Napkin. £200 per. Ann.
20. A young Orphan, Right Honourable by the Fathers side, and Right by the Mothers 3000
[12.]One a Licence had got For to begg, God wot, And of a poor Scholar begg'd a Doller; Thou hast Lice I do fear, But no sence, I swear, For to begg of a very poor Scholar.
[18.] An Author's House being on fire whilst he was poring on his Books, he called to his Wife and bad her look to it. You know, says he, I don't concern myself with the household.
[17.] One parting a Fray, was cut into the Scul: says the Surgeon, Sir, one may see your brains: Nay then I'l be hang'd, says he, for if I had had any brains, I had never come there.
[17.] A Gentleman losing his way galloping furiously over the plow'd Lands towards Tame, and meeting one, said, Friend is this the way to Tame? Yes Sir, says he, your Horse, if he be as wild as the Devil.