The French Dancing-Master AND THE ENGLISH SOLDIER. Or, the Difference betwixt Fidling and Fighting Displayed in a Dialogue betwixt an Englishman and a Frenchman.
Reading edition
Englishman.
[115.]Monsieur, good morn, whither away so faste? Some great importance sure doth cause this haste; Your running looks do in effect thus say, Monsieur is gone, 'cause Landlord asketh pay.
Frenchman.
Begar me no sush man, me scorn de shift Me plus Affaires dat me from home do lift.
Englishman.
You scorn to shift, tis true I think you say, Witness your Shirt, not washt this many a day.
Frenchman.
Par me foy de Rascall to degrase, Ne autre man in de varle live in such case; Begar though me no speak si bon English, Me thrush Tord in de belly if de speak dis; Begar me de born Gentil-man de France Me can learn English a le mode de Dance: Me play ode leetle Fidle, me can sing, Par ma foy, no Poet Orphus sush Musick bring; Begar, you no sush man in all de England have, For de Fidle, and de Dancing brave.
Englishman.
But when you come to meet your Foe in face The Fidler and the Fidler's out of case.
Frenchman.
Begar de art Jack-napes to a teetle, Me be brave Fellow, me can feight a leetle; Me wear Feader in de Hat, me have Tord by side, Me be de Gentil-man when me on de Horse ride; Englishman be a Clown, make Leg like a de Beare, Frenchman be de Gentil-man, he fidle, and he dance rare.
Englishman.
'Tis true, in dancing you do us excel, But can you, as the English, fight as well? When Mars unsheaths his Sword, and Canons roar, And men lye welt'ring in their purple gore, When Towns are burnt, and Cities are destroy'd, To what use will your Dancing be employ'd?
Frenchman.
Begar he de great Fool to speak sush ting, Brava, brava, de Dance, de Fidele, Sing; No sush ting in de varle, to peepe, to dance, To be dreass like de Madam, a le Mode France.
Englishman.
Brave Monsieur! gallant Monsieur! wondrous rare! Fidling and fooling, none with thee compare!
Frenchman.
Begar, he be de Rogue, de Villain, de Carle, To speak 'gainst de Dance, de brave ting in de varle; Begar me do love it out of all de Cry, Par ma foy he speak 'gainst it, tell loud lye: France-man is de Gentilman in de high Sphere, Vat is de Clown vas dis skip de Angleterre De French Monsieur skip and leap like de Spright, He caper and kick, is not dat a rare Shite?
Englishman.
A rare Shite 'tis indeed, I needs must say, To see men skip like Puppets in a Play; To act the Mimick, fidle, prate and Dance, And cringe like Apes, is a le mode France: But to be resolute, one to fight with ten, And beat them, 's proper unto English men.
Frenchman.
Begar France man is couragio, feight like te Tiffell, He kill, he slay, cutt men off de midle; De brave Monsieurs, de Oliver, de Rowland, Begar de feight as long as de could stand; Amadis de Gaule, de Roy Charlemain, De make blood run down like drops of de rain, Begar, with new fashion so exc'lent! so rare! No men in de varle wid de French make compare.
Englishman.
But Monsieur, have you never heard report Of Poictiers, Crescy, and of Agen-court? When France was drown'd with streams of Frenchmen's blood, And English Valor could not be withstood? Sixth Henry in Paris Crown'd in State, And France (submissive) did on England wait. When only Talbot's Name did bear such sway, To make Ten thousand French men run away? Is not France, and the Nation still the same, Whom England did in all Encounters tame? Have we not Hero's still who are endu'd With Valor, (Stars of the first Magnitude?) Yorks Duke, Brave Albemarle, equal to those Our Ancestors, who French men did oppose? With other Worthies of deserved Fame, Make Frenchmen tremble for to hear their Name.
Frenchman.
Begar dis true, de English-man speak right, France leave to Dance, and now de learn to Fight. Adieu Monsieur.
London, Printed in the Year 1666.
[103.] A Nobleman often hunting, used to be always near his Huntsman, who was an excellent old Servant, and one of whom he priz'd, and was often familiar with; but at coming to a Hedge or Ditch, he wou'd call him, Jack do you leap first. Not I by G—, my Lord, (reply's he) do you go first and break your Neck, if you please, I value mine a little more.
[82.] A Countrey woman at an Assize was to take her oath against a party; the said party entreated the Judge that her oath might not bee taken; the Judge demanded why he excepted against her: my Lord (quoth hee) shee is a Recusant or Romane Catholique, and they hold it in no matter of Conscience to swear any thing against us. Come hither, woman, said the Judge, I doe not thinke thou art a Recusant, I am perswaded that for fourty shillings thou wilt sweare the Pope is a knave: Good, my Lord, said shee, the Pope is a stranger to mee, but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship, I would sweare for half the mony.
[116.] The following satire is given merely as a type:
From Commonwealth Coblers, and zealous State Tinkers, From Speeches and Expedients of Politick Blinkers, From Rebellious Taps, and Tapsters, and Skinkers. Libera nos. From Elephant Baptists, and their doughty free State, From looking in Newgate through Reformation Grate, And from their last sayings and Hempen-ruff Fate. Libera nos. From Papists on one hand, and Phanatick o' th' t'other, From Presbyter Jack, the Popes younger brother, And Congregational Daughters far worse than their Mother. Libera nos. From Religions that teach men to kill and to slay, From faith that is coupled with the word Disobey, And from Sectaries e'er having of another day. Libera nos. From Members that constantly quarrel with the Head, And subjects that for Sterling, pay their Sovereign with Lead, And preserve Kings and Governments by wishing them dead. Libera nos. From over short Parliaments, and over long, From a selling our Birth rights for an old song, And breaking Mag. Charta to make it more strong. Libera nos. From taking away Juries by Parliament Votes, And securing from Popery by cutting of throats, From a Beam in our Eye, to cure them of Motes. Libera nos. From "Vox"es, and factious saucy Addresses, To repeal those good Laws of honest Qu. Bess'es From Fanaticks rage, and the Popes God bless us. Libera nos. From a Bill that to take away Ale and Cake voices, Robs all the old Freeholders, at Elections, of Choices, And enables Fanaticks to make greater Noises. Libera nos. From the wisdom of Bedlam, and the anger of Fools, From the whipping and learning of meeting house Schools And the Exit of Traytors, and Commonwealth Tools. Libera nos.
Of the following satire only a portion is given, as the pamphlet (of ten pages) is too long to give in extenso:—
[117.] Received out of the Treasuries of the Excize, Customs and the Exchequer £430,000.
Disbursed as followeth
The Accompt.
L. S. D
Imprimis. For three and twenty long Cloaks, at Seven Pounds Ten Shillings, per Cloak, to cover the Committee226 of Safety's Knavery. 243. —. —
Item. For Six Dozen of large fine Holland Handkerchiefs, with great French Buttons, for the Lord Fleetwood, to wipe away the Teares from his Excellencies Cheeks, at Twenty Shillings per Handkerchief. 72. —. —
Item Paid his young Daughters Musick-Master, and Dancing Master, for fifteen Moneths Arrears, due at the Interruption of Parliament 59. 5. —
Item For four rich Mantles for his Lady, two lac'd and two embroidered, and a brave New Gown, made to congratulate her Husband's new Honor. 270. —. —
Item Bestowed by her Order, upon the Journey men Taylors, and given to him that brought home and tryed on the said Gown, seven pieces in gold. 7. 14. —
Item For an innumerable company of Pectoral Rolls and Lozenges, to dry up his Excellencies Rheum, at two pence a piece 30. 2. 2
Item For two Rolls of Spanish Tobacco for Colonel Sydenham, at twenty shillings per pound, according to the Protectors rate, and five black Pots to warm Ale in, at twelve pence a piece, together with ten Groce of glaz'd Pipes, at nine shillings the groce. 45. 13. 4.
Item For two gilt Horn bookes for his great son, at two shillings, sixpence a piece 5. —
Item laid out for seven rich new Gowns, bespoke at Paris for the Lady Lambert, to be worn seven several dayes one after another, at her Husbands coming to the Crowne, every Gown valued at Sixty pound, one with the other 480. —. —
Item for Pins and Gloves for the said Lady 83. 9. —
Item for vamping Colonel Clarks Riding boots, and for new Spur Leathers &c &c &c &c— 10. —. —
Parody was almost unknown, but the following will serve as an example:—
Song.
[118.]I must confess, upon a day, When all my thoughts were Westward ha, Near Hampton Court I saw a Face, The Throne of Modesty and Grace; In whose each motion might be seen Hadassa and the Southern Queen; Her Smiles were arguments to prove The Phœnix, and the God of Love. From these the Pencil learnt those Draughts Of Titan's Beams, and Cupid's Shafts. Bless me, said I, since I must die, My Heart a Sacrifice shall lie, Burnt with the Lustre of her eye.
The Mock.
And I, being lately Eastward bound, To take a merry Countrey Round, There I beheld a Thing call'd Woman, Save him that hath her, Match for no man! In whose behaviour you may spell, What Job's Wife was, and Jezabel. Her looks make good the doubtful story Of Acharon and Purgatory. From these the Painter had advice To limn the Toad and Cockatrice. This made me cry, since Friends must part, E're this vile wretch shall have my heart, I'le suffer. Drive away the Cart.
[94.] One perswaded a Scholar that was much given to rambling, and going abroad, to sell or put away his Cushion, and it would be a means to make him sit harder to his study.
[26.] A Scholar in Oxford was often sent to by a Citizen for Money, which he pretended was due to him, and finding his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness and went to him himself, and modestly said to him in private: Sir, There's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so, says the Scholar, I pray where is it? we'll divide it if you please. Sir, says he, I have taken your word for it hitherto. Truly, says he, so you are like to do till you are paid.
[4.] A young lad being chid by his Uncle, for lying a Bed so long in a Morning, telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning: I, says the Lad smartly, but he rose too early that lost it.
[110.] Maister Hobson on a time in company of one of his neighbors, roade from London towards Sturbridge faire, so the first night of there jorny they lodged at Ware in an Inne where great store of Company was, and in the morning when every man made him ready to ride, and some were on horsbacke setting forward, the Cittizen, his neighbour found him sitting at the Inne gate, booted and spurd, in a browne studdy, to whome hee saide, for shame, Maister Hobson, why sitte you heare, why doe you not make your selfe redy to horsebacke, that we may set forward with company? Maister Hobson replyed in this manner, I tarry (quoth he) for a good cause. For what cause? quoth his neighbour. Mary, quoth Maister Hobson, here be so many horses, that I cannot tell which is mine owne, and I know well, when every man is ridden and gone, the horse that remaneth behind, must needs be mine.
[17.] A Puritan coming to a Cheese mongers to buy Cheese, when he gave him a tast, he put his hat before his eyes, to say Grace; Nay, says he, I see instead of tasting my Cheese, you intend to make a meal of it.