Act 5 — Scene I. The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.[2120]
Reading edition
Scene I. The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.[2120]
Enter Achilles and Patroclus.
Achil. I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,[2121] Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.[2122] Patroclus, let us feast him to the height. Patr. Here comes Thersites.
Enter Thersites.
Achil. How now, thou core of envy![2123] Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?[2124] 5 Ther. Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol[2125] of idiot-worshippers, here's a letter for thee. Achil. From whence, fragment? Ther. Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy. Patr. Who keeps the tent now? 10 Ther. The surgeon's box, or the patient's wound. Patr. Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?[2126] Ther. Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk:[2127] thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet.[2128][2129] Patr. Male varlet, you rogue! what's that?[2129] 15 Ther. Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases[2130] of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads[2131] o' gravel i' the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten[2132][2133] livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume,[2133][2134] sciaticas, limekilns i' the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the[2133][2135] 20 rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again such[2133] preposterous discoveries![2136] Patr. Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what mean'st thou to curse thus?[2137] Ther. Do I curse thee? 25 Patr. Why, no, you ruinous butt; you whoreson indistinguishable[2138] cur, no.[2139] Ther. No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleave silk, thou green sarcenet flap for[2140] a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal's purse, thou? Ah,[2141] 30 how the poor world is pestered with such waterflies, diminutives of nature! Patr. Out, gall![2142] Ther. Finch-egg! Achil. My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite[2143] 35 From my great purpose in to-morrow's battle. Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba, A token from her daughter, my fair love, Both taxing me and gaging me to keep An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it: 40 Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;[2144] My major vow lies here, this I'll obey. Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent: This night in banqueting must all be spent.[2145] Away, Patroclus! [Exeunt Achilles and Patroclus.[2145][2146] 45 Ther. With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too little blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one that loves quails;[2147] but he has not so much brain as ear-wax: and the goodly[2148] 50 transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, the[2149] primitive statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty[2150] shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother's leg,—to[2151] what form but that he is, should wit larded with malice and[2152] malice forced with wit turn him to? To an ass, were nothing;[2153] 55 he is both ass and ox: to an ox, were nothing; he is[2154] both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a[2154][2155] toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe,[2156] I would not care; but to be Menelaus! I would conspire[2157] against destiny. Ask me not what I would be, if I were[2158] 60 not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus. Hoy-day! spirits and fires!
Enter Hector, Troilus, Ajax, Agamemnon, Ulysses, Nestor, Menelaus, and Diomedes, with lights.[2159]
Agam. We go wrong, we go wrong.[2160] Ajax. No, yonder 'tis;[2161] There, where we see the lights.[2162] Hect. I trouble you.[2161] Ajax. No, not a whit.
Re-enter Achilles.[2163]
Ulyss. Here comes himself to guide you. 65 Achil. Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all. Agam. So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night.[2164] Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.[2165] Hect. Thanks and good night to the Greeks' general.[2166] Men. Good night, my lord. Hect. Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.[2167] 70 Ther. Sweet draught: sweet, quoth a'! sweet sink, sweet[2168] sewer.[2169] Achil. Good night and welcome, both at once, to those[2170][2171] That go or tarry.[2170][2172] Agam. Goodnight. [Exeunt Agamemnon and Menelaus.[2173]75 Achil. Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,[2174] Keep Hector company an hour or two. Dio. I cannot, lord; I have important business, The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector. Hect. Give me your hand. 80 Ulyss. [Aside to Troilus] Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas' tent:[2175][2176][2177] I'll keep you company.[2176] Tro. Sweet sir, you honour me. Hect. And so, good night.
[Exit Diomedes; Ulysses and Troilus following.[2178]
Achil. Come, come, enter my tent.
[Exeunt Achilles, Hector, Ajax, and Nestor.[2179]
Ther. That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a most 85 unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend his mouth and promise, like Brabbler the hound; but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will[2180] come some change; the sun borrows of the moon when[2181] 90 Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan drab and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'll after. Nothing but[2182] lechery! all incontinent varlets! [Exit.[2183]