Act 2 — Scene III. The Grecian camp. Before the tent of Achilles.[1391]

Ther. How now, Thersites! what, lost in the labyrinth[1392] of thy fury! Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? he beats me, and I rail at him: O, worthy satisfaction! would it were otherwise; that I could beat him, whilst he railed at me. 'Sfoot, I'll learn to conjure and raise devils, but I'll 5 see some issue of my spiteful execrations. Then there's Achilles, a rare enginer. If Troy be not taken till these[1393] two undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose all 10 the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that[1394] little little less than little wit from them that they have! which short-armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant[1395] scarce, it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider, without drawing their massy irons and cutting the[1396] 15 web. After this, the vengeance on the whole camp! or, rather, the Neapolitan bone-ache! for that, methinks, is the[1397] curse dependant on those that war for a placket. I have[1398] said my prayers; and devil Envy say amen. What, ho! my Lord Achilles! 20

Patr. Who's there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come[1400] in and rail. Ther. If I could ha' remembered a gilt counterfeit,[1401] thou wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation:[1402] but it is no matter; thyself upon thyself! The common 25 curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till thy death! then if she that lays thee out says thou art a[1403] fair corse, I'll be sworn and sworn upon't she never shrouded 30 any but lazars. Amen. Where's Achilles?[1404] Patr. What, art thou devout? wast thou in prayer?[1405] Ther. Ay; the heavens hear me! Patr. Amen.[1406]

Achil. Who's there? 35 Patr. Thersites, my lord.. Achil. Where, where? Art thou come? why, my[1407] cheese, my digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in[1408] to my table so many meals? Come, what's Agamemnon?[1408] Ther. Thy commander, Achilles: then tell me, Patroclus, 40 what's Achilles? Patr. Thy lord, Thersites: then tell me, I pray thee,[1409] what's thyself? Ther. Thy knower, Patroclus: then tell me, Patroclus, what art thou? 45 Patr. Thou mayst tell that knowest.[1410] Achil. O, tell, tell. Ther. I'll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus' knower, and Patroclus is a fool. 50 Patr. You rascal![1411] Ther. Peace, fool! I have not done.[1411] Achil. He is a privileged man. Proceed, Thersites.[1411] Ther. Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites[1411] is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.[1411] 55 Achil. Derive this; come. Ther. Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles; Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon;[1412] Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool, and Patroclus[1413] is a fool positive. 60 Patr. Why am I a fool? Ther. Make that demand of the prover. It suffices[1414] me thou art. Look you, who comes here?[1415] Achil. Patroclus, I'll speak with nobody. Come in[1416] with me, Thersites. [Exit.[1417] 65 Ther. Here is such patchery, such juggling and such knavery! all the argument is a cuckold and a whore; a[1418] good quarrel to draw emulous factions and bleed to death[1419] upon. Now, the dry serpigo on the subject! and war and[1420][1421] lechery confound all! [Exit.[1420] 70

Agam. Where is Achilles? Patr. Within his tent; but ill-disposed, my lord. Agam. Let it be known to him that we are here. He shent our messengers; and we lay by[1423] Our appertainments, visiting of him:[1424] 75 Let him be told so, lest perchance he think[1425] We dare not move the question of our place, Or know not what we are. Patr. I shall say so to him. [Exit.[1426] Ulyss. We saw him at the opening of his tent: He is not sick. 80 Ajax. Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart: you may call[1427] it melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head,[1428] 'tis pride: but why, why? let him show us the cause. A[1429][1430] word, my lord. [Takes Agamemnon aside.[1430][1431] Nest. What moves Ajax thus to bay at him? 85 Ulyss. Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him. Nest. Who, Thersites? Ulyss. He. Nest. Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument. 90 Ulyss. No, you see, he is his argument that has his argument, Achilles. Nest. All the better; their fraction is more our wish[1432] than their faction: but it was a strong composure a fool[1433] could disunite. 95 Ulyss. The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may[1434] easily untie.

Here comes Patroclus.[1436] Nest. No Achilles with him.[1437] Ulyss. The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy:[1438] 100 his legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure.[1438][1439] Patr. Achilles bids me say, he is much sorry, If any thing more than your sport and pleasure Did move your greatness and this noble state To call upon him; he hopes it is no other[1440] 105 But for your health and your digestion sake, An after-dinner's breath. Agam. Hear you, Patroclus:[1441] We are too well acquainted with these answers: But his evasion, wing'd thus swift with scorn,[1442] Cannot outfly our apprehensions. 110 Much attribute he hath, and much the reason Why we ascribe it to him: yet all his virtues,[1443] Not virtuously on his own part beheld,[1444] Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss, Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,[1445] 115 Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him, We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin,[1446] If you do say we think him over-proud And under-honest; in self-assumption greater[1447] Than in the note of judgement; and worthier than himself[1447][1448] 120 Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,[1449][1450] Disguise the holy strength of their command,[1450] And underwrite in an observing kind[1451] His humorous predominance; yea, watch His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if[1452] 125 The passage and whole carriage of this action[1453] Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add, That if he overhold his price so much, We'll none of him, but let him, like an engine Not portable, lie under this report:[1454] 130 'Bring action hither, this cannot go to war:[1454][1455] A stirring dwarf we do allowance give[1454] Before a sleeping giant:' tell him so.[1454] Patr. I shall; and bring his answer presently. [Exit.[1456] Agam. In second voice we'll not be satisfied; 135 We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you.

Ajax. What is he more than another? Agam. No more than what he thinks he is. Ajax. Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better man than I am? 140 Agam. No question. Ajax. Will you subscribe his thought and say he is? Agam. No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise, no less noble, much more gentle and altogether[1458] more tractable. 145 Ajax. Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not what pride is.[1459] Agam. Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues[1460] the fairer. He that is proud eats up himself: pride is[1461] his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and 150 whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours the deed in[1462] the praise. Ajax. I do hate a proud man, as I hate the engendering[1463] of toads. Nest. [Aside] Yet he loves himself: is't not strange?155

Ulyss. Achilles will not to the field to-morrow. Agam. What's his excuse? Ulyss. He doth rely on none, But carries on the stream of his dispose Without observance or respect of any, In will peculiar and in self-admission.[1465] 160 Agam. Why will he not, upon our fair request, Untent his person, and share the air with us? Ulyss. Things small as nothing, for request's sake only[1466] He makes important: possess'd he is with greatness,[1467] And speaks not to himself but with a pride 165 That quarrels at self-breath: imagined worth[1468] Holds in his blood such swoln and hot discourse That 'twixt his mental and his active parts Kingdom'd Achilles in commotion rages And batters down himself: what should I say?[1469][1470] 170 He is so plaguy proud that the death-tokens of it[1469][1471] Cry 'No recovery.' Agam. Let Ajax go to him. Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent: 'Tis said he holds you well, and will be led[1472] At your request a little from himself. 175 Ulyss. O Agamemnon, let it not be so! We'll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes When they go from Achilles. Shall the proud lord That bastes his arrogance with his own seam[1473] And never suffers matter of the world 180 Enter his thoughts, save such as do revolve[1474] And ruminate himself, shall he be worshipp'd Of that we hold an idol more than he?[1475] No, this thrice worthy and right valiant lord Must not so stale his palm, nobly acquired;[1476] 185 Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit, As amply titled as Achilles is,[1477][1478] By going to Achilles:[1477] That were to enlard his fat-already pride,[1479] And add more coals to Cancer when he burns 190 With entertaining great Hyperion. This lord go to him! Jupiter forbid,[1480] And say in thunder 'Achilles go to him.' Nest. [Aside] O, this is well; he rubs the vein of him.[1481] Dio. [Aside] And how his silence drinks up this applause![1481][1482]195 Ajax. If I go to him, with my armed fist[1483] I'll pash him o'er the face.[1483][1484] Agam. O, no, you shall not go. Ajax. An a' be proud with me, I'll pheeze his pride:[1485][1486] Let me go to him.[1485] 200 Ulyss. Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel. Ajax. A paltry, insolent fellow![1487] Nest. [Aside] How he describes himself![1487][1488] Ajax. Can he not be sociable?[1487] Ulyss. [Aside] The raven chides blackness.[1487][1488] 205 Ajax. I'll let his humours blood.[1487][1489] Agam. [Aside] He will be the physician that should[1487][1488][1490] be the patient.[1487] Ajax. An all men were o' my mind,—[1487][1491] Ulyss. [Aside] Wit would be out of fashion.[1487][1488] 210 Ajax. A' should not bear it so, a' should eat swords[1487][1492] first: shall pride carry it?[1487] Nest. [Aside] An 'twould, you'ld carry half.[1487][1488][1493] Ulyss. [Aside] A' would have ten shares.[1487][1488][1494][1495] Ajax. I will knead him, I'll make him supple.[1487][1494][1496] 215 Nest. [Aside] He's not yet through warm: force him[1487][1488][1494][1497] with praises: pour in, pour in; his ambition is dry.[1487][1498] Ulyss. [To Agamemnon] My lord, you feed too much[1499] on this dislike. Nest. Our noble general, do not do so. Dio. You must prepare to fight without Achilles. 220 Ulyss. Why, 'tis this naming of him does him harm.[1500] Here is a man—but 'tis before his face;[1501] I will be silent.[1501] Nest. Wherefore should you so? He is not emulous, as Achilles is. Ulyss. Know the whole world, he is as valiant.[1502] 225 Ajax. A whoreson dog, that shall palter thus with us![1503] Would he were a Trojan![1504] Nest. What a vice were it in Ajax now—[1505] Ulyss. If he were proud,—[1506] Dio. Or covetous of praise,— 230 Ulyss. Ay, or surly borne,— Dio. Or strange, or self-affected! Ulyss. Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet[1507] composure; Praise him that got thee, she that gave thee suck:[1508] Famed be thy tutor, and thy parts of nature[1509] 235 Thrice-famed beyond, beyond all erudition:[1510] But he that disciplined thine arms to fight,[1511] Let Mars divide eternity in twain, And give him half: and, for thy vigour,[1512] Bull-bearing Milo his addition yield 240 To sinewy Ajax. I will not praise thy wisdom,[1513] Which, like a bourn, a pale, a shore, confines[1514] Thy spacious and dilated parts: here's Nestor,[1515] Instructed by the antiquary times,[1516] He must, he is, he cannot but be wise; 245 But pardon, father Nestor, were your days As green as Ajax', and your brain so temper'd,[1517] You should not have the eminence of him, But be as Ajax.[1518] Ajax. Shall I call you father? Nest. Ay, my good son.[1519] Dio. Be ruled by him, Lord Ajax. 250 Ulyss. There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles Keeps thicket. Please it our great general[1520] To call together all his state of war:[1521] Fresh kings are come to Troy: to-morrow[1522] We must with all our main of power stand fast: 255 And here's a lord, come knights from east to west, And cull their flower, Ajax shall cope the best.[1523] Agam. Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep:[1524] Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep.[1525]