Act 2 — Scene IV. London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap.

First Draw. What the devil hast thou brought there?[3648] apple-johns? thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john. Sec. Draw. Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once[3649] set a dish of apple-johns before him, and told him there5 were five more Sir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered[3650] knights.' It angered him to the heart: but he hath forgot that. First Draw. Why, then, cover, and set them down: and10 see if thou canst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: the room where[3651][3652] they supped is too hot; they'll come in straight.[3652] Sec. Draw. Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master[3652] Poins anon; and they will put on two of our jerkins and15 aprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolph hath brought word.[3653] First Draw. By the mass, here will be old utis: it will[3654] be an excellent stratagem. Sec. Draw. I'll see if I can find out Sneak. [Exit.20

Host. I'faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an[3656] excellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la! But, i'[3657] faith, you have drunk too much canaries; and that's a[3658]25 marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say 'What's this?' How do you now?[3659] Dol. Better than I was: hem! Host. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth[3660] gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.30

Fal. [Singing] 'When Arthur first in court'—Empty[3662] the jordan. [Exit First Drawer].—[Singing] 'And was a[3662][3663] worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll! Host. Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.[3664] Fal. So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they[3665]35 are sick. Dol. You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you[3666] give me? Fal. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. Dol. I make them! gluttony and diseases make them;[3667]40 I make them not. Fal. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help[3668] to make the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.[3669] Dol. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.[3670]45 Fal. 'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches:' for to serve[3671] bravely is to come halting off, you know: to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the charged chambers bravely,— Dol. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself![3672]50 Host. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two[3673] never meet but you fall to some discord: you are both, i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot[3674] one bear with another's confirmities. What the good-year![3675] one must bear, and that must be you: you are the weaker55 vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel. Dol. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friends with thee, Jack: thou art going60 to the wars; and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.

First Draw. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would[3677] speak with you. Dol. Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not come65 hither: it is the foul-mouthedst rogue in England. Host. If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by my[3678] faith; I must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers:[3678][3679] I am in good name and fame with the very best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerers here: I have70 not lived all this while, to have swaggering now: shut the door, I pray you. Fal. Dost thou hear, hostess? Host. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes[3680] no swaggerers here.75 Fal. Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient. Host. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancient[3681] swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the debuty, t'other day; and, as he said to me, 'twas[3682] no longer ago than Wednesday last, 'I' good faith,[3683]80 neighbour Quickly,' says he; Master Dumbe, our minister, was[3684] by then; 'neighbour Quickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil; for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name:' now a' said[3685] so, I can tell whereupon; 'for,' says he, 'you are an honest woman, and well thought on; therefore take heed what85 guests you receive: receive,' says he, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none here: you would bless you to[3686] hear what he said: no, I'll no swaggerers. Fal. He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i'[3687][3688] faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound:[3688]90 he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, if her[3689] feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer. [Exit First Drawer. Host. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater: but I do not love swaggering,95 by my troth; I am the worse, when one says swagger: feel,[3690] masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.[3691] Dol. So you do, hostess. Host. Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an[3692] aspen leaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.100

Pist. God save you, Sir John![3694] Fal. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess. Pist. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two105 bullets. Fal. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offend her.[3695] Host. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'll[3696] drink no more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.110 Pist. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you. Dol. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master. Pist. I know you, Mistress Dorothy.115 Dol. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you[3697] bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's light, with two points on[3698]120 your shoulder? much![3699] Pist. God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff[3700] for this. Fal. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off[3701] here: discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.[3701]125 Host. No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain. Dol. Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains were[3702] of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking[3703] their names upon you before you have earned them. You130 a captain! you slave, for what? for tearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as[3704][3705] odious as the word 'occupy;' which was an excellent good[3705]135 word before it was ill sorted: therefore captains had need[3705] look to't.[3706] Bard. Pray thee, go down, good ancient. Fal. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll. Pist. Not I: I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I140 could tear her: I'll be revenged of her.[3707] Page. Pray thee, go down. Pist. I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned[3708] lake, by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus and[3708][3709] tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down,[3708]145 down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we not Hiren here?[3708][3710] Host. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late,[3711] i' faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.[3712] Pist. These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horses,[3713] And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,[3713][3714]150 Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,[3713][3715] Compare with Cæsars, and with Cannibals,[3713][3716] And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them with[3713][3717] King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.[3713] Shall we fall foul for toys?[3713]155 Host. By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words. Bard. Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to a brawl anon. Pist. Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have[3718] we not Hiren here?160 Host. O' my word, captain, there's none such here.[3719] What the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For[3720][3721] God's sake, be quiet.[3721] Pist. Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, give's some sack.[3722]165 'Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.'[3723] Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:[3724] Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.[3724]

Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?[3724][3726] Fal. Pistol, I would be quiet.170 Pist. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neif: what! we have[3727] seen the seven stars. Dol. For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannot[3728] endure such a fustian rascal. Pist. Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway175 nags? Fal. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat[3729] shilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing, a' shall[3730] be nothing here. Bard. Come, get you down stairs.180 Pist. What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?[3731]

Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days![3731] Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds[3731] Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say![3731][3732] Host. Here's goodly stuff toward![3733]185 Fal. Give me my rapier, boy. Dol. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.[3734] Fal. Get you down stairs.

Host. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder,190 I warrant now. Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons. [Exeunt Pistol and Bardolph.[3736] Dol. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone.[3737] Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you! Host. Are you not hurt i' the groin? methought a'[3738]195 made a shrewd thrust at your belly.

Fal. Have you turned him out o' doors?[3740] Bard. Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt[3741] him, sir, i' the shoulder.[3742] Fal. A rascal! to brave me!200 Dol. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face; come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee:[3743] thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies: ah,[3744]205 villain![3744] Fal. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.[3745] Dol. Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost, I'll[3746][3747] canvass thee between a pair of sheets.[3746]

Page. The music is come, sir.210 Fal. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from me like quicksilver. Dol. I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church.[3748] Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when[3749]215 wilt thou leave fighting o' days and foining o' nights, and[3750] begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?

Fal. Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head;[3752] do not bid me remember mine end. Dol. Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?[3753]220 Fal. A good shallow young fellow: a' would have[3754] made a good pantler, a' would ha' chipped bread well.[3754][3755] Dol. They say Poins has a good wit.[3756] Fal. He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as[3753] thick as Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in[3753]225 him than is in a mallet. Dol. Why does the prince love him so, then?[3757] Fal. Because their legs are both of a bigness; and a' plays at quoits well; and eats conger and fennel; and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons; and rides the230 wild-mare with the boys; and jumps upon joined-stools; and swears with a good grace; and wears his boots very[3758] smooth, like unto the sign of the leg; and breeds no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other gambol[3759] faculties a' has, that show a weak mind and an able body,[3760]235 for the which the prince admits him: for the prince himself is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales[3761] between their avoirdupois.[3762] Prince. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?240 Poins. Let's beat him before his whore.[3763] Prince. Look, whether the withered elder hath not[3764] his poll clawed like a parrot. Poins. Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?245 Fal. Kiss me, Doll. Prince. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! what says the almanac to that? Poins. And, look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man,[3765] be not lisping to his master's old tables, his note-book,[3766]250 his counsel-keeper. Fal. Thou dost give me flattering busses. Dol. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.[3767] Fal. I am old, I am old. Dol. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young255 boy of them all. Fal. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive[3768] money o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. A[3769] merry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed. Thou'lt[3770][3771] forget me when I am gone.260 Dol. By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thou[3771][3772] sayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return: well, hearken at the end.[3773] Fal. Some sack, Francis. Prince. } Anon, anon, sir. [Coming forward.[3774]265 Poins. } Fal. Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not thou Poins his brother?[3775] Prince. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead! Fal. A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou270 art a drawer. Prince. Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears. Host. O, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my[3776][3777] troth, welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that[3777][3778]275 sweet face of thine! O Jesu, are you come from Wales?[3779] Fal. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by[3780] this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.[3781] Dol. How, you fat fool! I scorn you. Poins. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge280 and turn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat. Prince. You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,[3782] civil gentlewoman! Host. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she[3783]285 is, by my troth.[3784] Fal. Didst thou hear me? Prince. Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you[3785] ran away by Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.290 Fal. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing. Prince. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse; and then I know how to handle you. Fal. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse.[3786]295 Prince. Not to dispraise me, and call me pantler and[3787] bread-chipper and I know not what?[3788] Fal. No abuse, Hal. Poins. No abuse? Fal. No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none.300 I dispraised him before the wicked, that the wicked might not fall in love with him; in which doing, I have done the[3789] part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is[3790] to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.[3791]305 Prince. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close[3792] with us? is she of the wicked? is thine hostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of the wicked? or honest Bardolph,[3793] whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?310 Poins. Answer, thou dead elm, answer. Fal. The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable; and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about him; but the devil outbids him too.[3794]315 Prince. For the women? Fal. For one of them, she is in hell already, and burns[3795][3796] poor souls. For the other, I owe her money; and whether[3796] she be damned for that, I know not. Host. No, I warrant you.320 Fal. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee, for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl. Host. All victuallers do so: what's a joint of mutton[3797]325 or two in a whole Lent? Prince. You, gentlewoman,— Dol. What says your grace? Fal. His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

Host. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the330 door there, Francis.

Prince. Peto, how now! what news?[3800] Peto. The king your father is at Westminster; And there are twenty weak and wearied posts Come from the north: and, as I came along,335 I met and overtook a dozen captains, Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns, And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff. Prince. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,[3801] So idly to profane the precious time;340 When tempest of commotion, like the south[3802] Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt, And drop upon our bare unarmed heads. Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.

Fal. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and345 we must hence, and leave it unpicked. [Knocking within.][3804] More knocking at the door!

How now! what's the matter? Bard. You must away to court, sir, presently;[3806] A dozen captains stay at door for you.[3806]350 Fal. [To the Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell,[3807] hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after: the undeserver may sleep, when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches: if I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.355 Dol. I cannot speak; if my heart be not ready to burst,—well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. Fal. Farewell, farewell. [Exeunt Falstaff and Bardolph.[3808] Host. Well, fare thee well: I have known thee these twenty nine years, come peascod-time; but an honester and360 truer-hearted man,—well, fare thee well. Bard. [Within] Mistress Tearsheet![3809] Host. What's the matter? Bard. [Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my[3809] master.365 Host. O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come. [She[3810] comes blubbered.] Yea, will you come, Doll?[3810] [Exeunt.