Act 5 — SCENE II.
Reading edition
A Room in Hoard’s House.
Enter Hoard tasting wine, Host following in a livery cloak.
Hoa. Pup, pup, pup, pup, I like not this wine: is there never a better tierce in the house?
Host. Yes, sir, there are as good tierce[s] in the house as any are in England.
Hoa. Desire your mistress, you knave, to taste ’em all over; she has better skill.
Host. Has she so? the better for her, and the worse for you. [Aside, and exit.
Hoa. Arthur!
Enter Arthur.
Is the cupboard of plate set out?[158]
Arth. All’s in order, sir. [Exit.
Hoa. I am in love with my liveries every time I think on ’em; they make a gallant shew, by my troth. Niece!
Enter Joyce.
Joyce. Do you call, sir?
Hoa. Prithee, shew a little diligence, and overlook the knaves a little; they’ll filch and steal today, and send whole pasties home to their wives: and[159] thou be’st a good niece, do not see me purloined.
Joyce. Fear it not, sir—I have cause: though the feast be prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding-dinner too.[160] [Aside, and exit.
92Enter Lamprey and Spichcock.
Hoa. Master Lamprey and master Spichcock, two the most welcome gentlemen alive! your fathers and mine were all free a’ th’ fishmongers.
Lam. They were indeed, sir. You see bold guests, sir; soon entreated.
Hoa. And that’s best, sir.
Enter Servant.
How now, sirrah?
Ser. There’s a coach come to th’ door, sir. [Exit.
Hoa. My Lady Foxtone, a’ my life!—Mistress Jane Hoard! wife!—Mass, ’tis her ladyship indeed!
Enter Lady Foxtone.
Madam, you are welcome to an unfurnished house, dearth of cheer, scarcity of attendance.
L. Fox. You are pleased to make the worst, sir.
Hoa. Wife!
Enter Courtesan.
L. Fox. Is this your bride?
Hoa. Yes, madam.—Salute my Lady Foxtone.
Court. Please you, madam, awhile to taste the air in the garden?
L. Fox. ’Twill please us well.
[Exeunt L. Foxtone and Courtesan.
Hoa. Who would not wed? the most delicious life!
No joys are like the comforts of a wife.
Lam. So we bachelors think, that are not troubled with them.
93Re-enter Servant.
Ser. Your worship’s brother, with other ancient gentlemen,[161] are newly alighted, sir. [Exit.
Hoa. Master Onesiphorus Hoard? why, now our company begins to come in.
Enter Onesiphorus Hoard, Limber, and Kix.
My dear and kind brother, welcome, i’faith.
Ones. H. You see we are men at an hour, brother.
Hoa. Ay, I’ll say that for you, brother; you keep as good an hour to come to a feast as any gentleman in the shire.—What, old master Limber and master Kix! do we meet, i’faith, jolly gentlemen?
Lim. We hope you lack guess,[162] sir?
Hoa. O, welcome, welcome! we lack still such guess as your worships.
Ones. H. Ah, sirrah brother, have you catched up widow Medler?
Hoa. From ’em all, brother; and I may tell you I had mighty enemies, those that stuck sore; old Lucre is a sore fox, I can tell you, brother.
Ones. H. Where is she? I’ll go seek her out: I long to have a smack at her lips.
Hoa. And most wishfully, brother, see where she comes.
Re-enter Courtesan and Lady Foxtone.
Give her a smack[163] now we may hear it all the house over. [Courtesan and Ones. H. start and turn away.
94Court. O heaven, I am betray’d! I know that face.
Hoa. Ha, ha, ha! why, how now? are you both ashamed?—Come, gentlemen, we’ll look another way.
Ones. H. Nay, brother, hark you: come, you’re disposed to be merry.
Hoa. Why do we meet else, man?
Ones. H. That’s another matter: I was ne’er so ’fraid in my life but that you had been in earnest.
Hoa. How mean you, brother?
Ones. H. You said she was your wife.
Hoa. Did I so? by my troth, and so she is.
Ones. H. By your troth, brother?
Hoa. What reason have I to dissemble with my friends, brother? if marriage can make her mine, she is mine. Why—— [Onesiphorus Hoard is about to retire. Ones. H. Troth, I am not well of a sudden: I must crave pardon, brother; I came to see you, but I cannot stay dinner, i’faith.
Hoa. I hope you will not serve me so, brother?
Lim. By your leave, master Hoard——
Hoa. What now? what now? pray, gentlemen:—you were wont to shew yourselves wise men.
Lim. But you have shewn your folly too much here.
Hoa. How?
Kix. Fie, fie! a man of your repute and name!
You’ll feast your friends, but cloy ’em first with shame.
Hoa. This grows too deep; pray, let us reach the sense.
Lim. In your old age doat on a courtesan!
Hoa. Ha!
Kix. Marry a strumpet!
95Hoa. Gentlemen!
Ones. H. And Witgood’s quean!
Hoa. O! nor lands nor living?
Ones. H. Living!
Hoa. [to Courtesan] Speak.
Court. Alas, you know, at first, sir,
I told you I had nothing!
Hoa. Out, out! I am cheated; infinitely cozen’d!
Lim. Nay, master Hoard——
Enter Lucre, Witgood, and Joyce.
Hoa. A Dutch widow![164] a Dutch widow! a Dutch widow!
Luc. Why, nephew, shall I trace thee still a liar?
Wilt make me mad? is not yon thing the widow?
Wit. Why, la, you are so hard a’ belief, uncle! by my troth, she’s a whore.
Luc. Then thou’rt a knave.
Wit. Negatur argumentum, uncle.
Luc. Probo tibi, nephew: he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; thou sayst thou knowest her to be one; ergo , if she be a quean, thou’rt a knave.
Wit. Negatur sequela majoris, uncle; he that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave; I deny that.
Hoa. Lucre and Witgood, you’re both villains; get you out of my house!
Luc. Why, didst not invite me to thy wedding-dinner?
Wit. And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends before witness, sir, and were both drunk upon’t?
96Hoa. Daintily abus’d! you’ve put a junt[165] upon me!
Luc. Ha, ha, ha!
Hoa. A common strumpet!
Wit. Nay, now
You wrong her, sir; if I were she, I’d have
The law on you for that; I durst depose for her
She ne’er had common use nor common thought.
Court. Despise me, publish me, I am your wife;
What shame can I have now but you’ll have part?
If in disgrace you share, I sought not you;
You pursu’d, nay,[166] forc’d me; had I friends would follow it,
Less than your action has been prov’d a rape.
Ones. H. Brother!
Court. Nor did I ever boast of lands unto you,
Money, or goods; I took a plainer course,
And told you true, I’d nothing:
If error were committed, ’twas by you;
Thank your own folly: nor has my sin been
So odious, but worse has been forgiven;
Nor am I so deform’d, but I may challenge
The utmost power of any old man’s love.
She that tastes not sin before [twenty], twenty to one but she’ll taste it after: most of you old men are content to marry young virgins, and take that which follows; where,[167] marrying one of us, you both save a sinner and are quit from a cuckold for ever:
And more, in brief, let this your best thoughts win,
She that knows sin, knows best how to hate sin.
Hoa. Curs’d be all malice! black are the fruits of spite,
97And poison first their owners. O, my friends,
I must embrace shame, to be rid of shame!
Conceal’d disgrace prevents a public name.
Ah, Witgood! ah, Theodorus!
Wit. Alas, sir, I was pricked in conscience to see her well bestowed, and where could I bestow her better than upon your pitiful worship? Excepting but myself, I dare swear she’s a virgin; and now, by marrying your niece, I have banished myself for ever from her: she’s mine aunt now, by my faith, and there’s no meddling with mine aunt, you know: a sin against my nuncle.[168]
Court. Lo, gentlemen, before you all [Kneels.
In true reclaimed form I fall.
Henceforth for ever I defy[169]
The glances of a sinful eye,[170]
Waving of fans (which some suppose
Tricks of fancy),[171] treading of toes,
Wringing of fingers, biting the lip,
The wanton gait, th’ alluring trip;
All secret friends and private meetings,
Close-borne letters and bawds’ greetings;
Feigning excuse to women’s labours
When we are sent for to th’ next neighbour’s;
98Taking false physic, and ne’er start
To be let blood though sign[172] be at heart;
Removing chambers, shifting beds,
To welcome friends in husbands’ steads,
Them to enjoy, and you to marry,
They first serv’d, while you must tarry,
They to spend, and you to gather,
They to get, and you to father:
These, and thousand, thousand more,
New reclaim’d, I now abhor.
Luc. [to Witgood] Ah, here’s a lesson, rioter, for you!
Wit. I must confess my follies; I’ll down too:
[Kneels.
And here for ever I disclaim
The cause of youth’s undoing, game,
Chiefly dice, those true outlanders,
That shake out beggars, thieves, and panders;
Soul-wasting surfeits, sinful riots,
Queans’ evils, doctors’ diets,
’Pothecaries’ drugs, surgeons’ glisters;
Stabbing of arms[173] for a common mistress;
99Riband favours, ribald speeches;
Dear perfum’d jackets, pennyless breeches;
Dutch flapdragons, healths in urine;
Drabs that keep a man too sure in:
I do defy[174] you all.
Lend me each honest hand, for here I rise
A reclaim’d man, loathing the general vice.
Hoa. So, so, all friends! the wedding-dinner cools:
Who seem most crafty prove ofttimes most fools.
[Exeunt omnes.
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