Act 2 — SCENE V.
Reading edition
A Room opening into Sir Bounteous’s Bed-chamber, from which enter Follywit, Mawworm, Hoboy, and others, dragging in Sir Bounteous in his night-gown.
Sir B. O gentlemen, and[782] you be kind gentlemen, what countrymen are you?
Fol. Lincolnshire men, sir.
Sir B. I am glad of that, i’faith.
Fol. And why should you be glad of that?
Sir B. O, the honestest thieves of all come out of Lincolnshire, the kindest-natured gentlemen; they’ll rob a man with conscience; they have a 355feeling of what they go about, and will steal with tears in their eyes: ah, pitiful gentlemen!
Fol. Push,[783] money, money! we come for money.
Sir B. Is that all you come for? Ah, what a beast was I to put out my money t’other day! Alas, good gentlemen, what shift shall I make for you? pray, come again another time.
Fol. Tut, tut, sir, money!
Sir B. O not so loud, sir! you’re too shrill a gentleman: I have a lord lies in my house; I would not for the world his honour should be disquieted.
Fol. Who, my lord Owemuch? we have took order with him beforehand; he lies bound in his bed, and all his followers.
Sir B. Who, my lord? bound my lord? Alas, what did you mean to bind my lord? he could keep his bed well enough without binding. You’ve undone me in’t already, you need rob me no farther.
Fol. Which is the key? come!
Sir B. Ah, I perceive now you’re no true Lincolnshire spirits! you come rather out of Bedfordshire; we cannot lie quiet in our beds for you. So, take enough, my masters [they rifle his cabinets]: spur a free horse, my name’s sir Bounteous; a merry world, i’faith; what knight but I keep open house at midnight? Well, there should be a conscience, if one could hit upon’t.
Fol. Away now; seize upon him, bind him.
Sir B. Is this your court of equity? why should I be bound for mine own money? but come, come, bind me, I have need on’t; I have been too liberal to-night, keep in my hands [they bind him]: nay, 356as hard as you list; I am too good to bear my lord company. You have watched your time, my masters; I was knighted at Westminster, but many of these nights will make me a knight of Windsor.[784] You’ve deserved so well, my masters, I bid you all to dinner to-morrow: I would I might have your companies, i’faith; I desire no more.
Fol. O, ho, sir!
Sir B. Pray, meddle not with my organs, to put ’em out of tune.
Fol. O no, here’s better music, sir.
Sir B. Ah, pox feast you!
Fol. Despatch with him, away! [Exeunt Hoboy and others, carrying Sir Bounteous into the bed-chamber.]—So, thank you, good grandsire! This was bounteously done of him, i’faith: it came somewhat hard from him at first; for, indeed, nothing comes stiff from an old man but money; and he may well stand upon that, when he has nothing else to stand upon. Where’s our portmantua?
Maw. Here, bully captain.
Fol. In with the purchase,[785] ’twill lie safe enough there under ’s nose, I warrant you.—
Re-enter Hoboy and others.
What, is all sure?
Hob. All’s sure, captain.
Fol. You know what follows now, one villain binds his fellows; go, we must be all bound for our own securities, rascals. There’s no dallying upo’ th’ point; you conceit me: there is a lord 357to be found bound in the morning, and all his followers; can you pick out that lord now?
Maw. O admirable spirit!
Fol. You ne’er plot for your safeties, so your wants be satisfied.
Hob. But if we bind one another, how shall the last man be bound?
Fol. Pox on’t, I’ll have the footman ’scape.
Foot. That’s I; I thank you, sir.
Fol. The footman, of all other, will be supposed to ’scape, for he comes in no bed all night, but lies in ’s clothes, to be first ready i’ th’ morning; the horse and he lie[786] in litter together, that’s the right fashion of your bonny footman; and his freedom will make the better for our purpose, for we must have one i’ th’ morning to unbind the knight, that we may have our sport within ourselves. We now arrive at the most ticklish point, to rob, and take our ease, to be thieves, and lie by’t: look to’t, lads, it concerns every man’s gullet; I’ll not have the jest spoiled, that’s certain, though it hazard a windpipe. I’ll either go like a lord as I came, or be hanged like a thief as I am; and that’s my resolution.
Maw. Troth, a match, captain, of all hands!
[Exeunt.