Act 2 — SCENE IV.

A Room in Glister’s House.

Enter Mistress Glister and Maria.

Mis. G. I pray,^[238] let’s have no polluted feet nor rheumatic chaps enter the house; I shall have my floor look more greasy shortly than one of your inn-of-court dining-tables.—And now to you, good niece, I bend my speech. Let me tell you plainly, you are a fool to be love-sick for any man longer than he is in your company: are you so ignorant in the rules of courtship, to think any one man to bear all the prick and praise?^[239] I tell thee, be he never so proper, there is another to second him.

Mar. Let rules of courtship be authentic still

To such as do pursue variety;

But unto those whose modest thoughts do tend

134To hoour’d nuptials and a regular life,

As far from shew of niceness^[240] as from that

Of impure thoughts, all other objects seem

Of no proportion,^[241] balanc’d with esteem

Of what their souls affect.

Mis. G. No marvel^[242] sure you should regard these men with such reverend opinion: there’s few good faces and fewer graces in any of them: if one among a multitude have a good pair of legs, he never leaves riding the ring till he has quite marred the proportion: nay, some, as I have heard, wanting lineaments to their liking and calf to support themselves, are fain to use art, and supply themselves with quilted calves, which oftentimes, in revelling, fall about their ankles; and for their behaviour, wit, and discourse, except some few that are travelled, it is as imperfectious and silly as your scholars new come from the university. By this light, I think we lose part of our happiness, when we make these weathercocks our equals.

Mar. Disgrace not that for which our sect^[243] was made,

Society^[244] in nuptials: ’bove those joys

135Which lovers taste when their conjoined lips

Suck forth each other’s souls, the earth, the air,

Yea, gods themselves, know none. Elysium’s sweet,

Ay, all that bliss which poets’ pens describe,

Are only known when soft and amorous folds

Entwine the corps of two united lovers,

Where what they wish they have, yet still desire,

And sweets are known without satiety.^[245]

Enter Vial.

Vial.^[246] Here’s Club, forsooth, and his fellow ’prentice have brought master Gerardine’s trunk.

Mis. G. Let them come in if their feet be clean. [Exit Vial.]—So, then, your best-beloved is gone; fair weather after him! all thy passions^[247], go with him! recomfort thyself, wench, in a better choice: his love to thee would have been of no longer continuance than the untrussing of his hose;^[248] then why shouldst thou pine for such a one?

Mar. She’s foolish sure: with what imperfect phrase

And shallow wit she answers me! [Aside.

Enter Club and another Apprentice, with a trunk.

Mis. G. Honest Club, welcome: is this master Gerardine’s trunk? he is gone then?

Club. Ay, indeed, mistress Glister, he is departed this transitory city, but his whole substance is here enclosed; which, by command, we here 136deliver to your custody, to the use of mistress Maria, according to the tenour of the premises.

Mis. G. Place it here, my honest Club: well done: and how does thy mistress? was she at the Family to-day? [Club spits.] Spit not, good Club, I cannot abide it.

Club. Not to-day, forsooth; she hath overcharged herself and her memory: she means to use a moderation, and take no more than she can make use of.

Mis. G. And, I prithee, Club, what kind of creatures are these Familists? thou art conversant with them.

Club. What are they? with reverence be it spoken, they are the most accomplished creatures under heaven; in them is all perfection.

Mis. G. As how, good Club?

Club. Omitting their outward graces, I’ll shew you only one instance, which includes all other; they love their neighbours better than themselves.

Mis. G. Not than themselves, Club.

Club. Yes, better than themselves; for they love them better than their husbands, and husband and wife are all one; therefore, better than themselves.

Mis. G. This is logic: but tell me, doth she not endeavour to bring my doctor of her side and fraternity?

Club. Let him resolve^[249] that himself, for here he comes.

Enter Glister.

Gli. O, hast thou brought the trunk, honest Club? I commend thy honest care: here’s for thy pains. [Giving money.

Club. I thank you, master doctor; you are free 137and liberal still: you’ll command me nothing back?

Gli. Nothing but commendations: farewell. [Exeunt Club and Apprentice.]—Your sweetheart Gerardine is by this time cold of his hope to enjoy thee: he’s gone; and a more equal and able husband shall my care ere long provide thee.—What clients have been here in my absence, wife?

Mis. G. Faith, mouse,^[250] none that I know more than an old woman that had lost her cat, and came to you for a spell in the recovery.

Gli. I think egregious ignorance will go near to save this age; their blindness takes me for a conjuror: yesterday a justice of peace salutes me with proffer of a brace of angels^[251] to help him to his footcloth,^[252] some three days before stolen, and was fain to use his man’s cloak instead on’t.

Re-enter Vial.

Vial. Here’s a gentleman craves speech with you, sir.

Gli. Go in, sweet wife, and give my niece good counsel.

[Exeunt Mistress Glister and Maria.

—His name?

Vial. He will not tell it me.

Gli. His countenance?

Vial. I can see nothing but his eyes: the rest of him is so wrapt in cloak that it suffers no view.

Gli. Admit him. [Exit Vial.]—What should he be for a man?^[253]

138Enter Lipsalve.

What, master Lipsalve, is’t you? why thus obscured? what discontent overshadows you?

Lip. A discontent indeed, master doctor, which to shake off I must have you extend your art to the utmost bounds. You physicians are as good as false doors behind hangings to ladies’ necessary uses: you know the very hour in which they have neither will to deny nor wit to mistrust: faith now, by the way, when are women most apt?

Gli. Shall I unbutton myself unto you? after the receipt of a purgation, for then are their pores most open: but what creature of a courtier is it hath drawn your head into the woodcock’s noose?

Lip. A courtier? nay, by this flesh, I am clean fallen out with them; they have nothing proportionable.

Gli. O, I perceive, then, ’tis some city star that attracts your aspect.

Lip. He knows by his art. [Aside.]—In plain terms, a certain ’pothecary’s wife.

Gli. Upon my life, mistress^[254] Purge: I smell you, sir.

Lip. You may smell a man after a purgation: indeed, sir, ’tis she. Now, for that fame hath bruited^[255] you to be a man expert in necromancy, I would endear^[256] myself to you for ever, would you vouchsafe to let one of your spirits bring mistress Purge into some convenient place, where I might enjoy her: I have heard of the like: can you perform this?

139Gli. With much facility, I assure you: but you must understand that the apparition of a spirit is dreadful, and withal covetous, and with no small sum of gold hired to such feats.

Re-enter Vial.

Vial. Sir, here’s another gentleman, muffled too, that desires present conference with you.

Gli. Walk you into that room: I will bethink myself for your good, and instantly resolve^[257] you. [Exit Lipsalve.]—Let the gentleman come in. [Exit Vial.]—Lipsalve in love with my vessel of ease? come to me to help him to a morsel most affected by mine own palate? No more but so: I have shaped it; the conceit tickles me.

Enter Gudgeon.

Sir, as a stranger I welcome you—what, master Gudgeon, have I caught you? I thought it was a gallant that walked muffled: come, let me behold you at full; here are no sergeants, man.

Gud. Master doctor, this my obscure coming requires an action more obscure; and, in brief, this ’tis. Sir, you are held a man far seen in nature’s secrets; I know you can effect many things almost impossible: know, then, I love mistress Purge, and opportunity favours me not, nor indeed is she so tractable as I expected: if either by medicine or your art magical you can work her to my will, I have a poor gallant’s reward, sir.

Gli. That’s just nothing. [Aside.]—But how, sir, would you have me to procure you access to mistress Purge? you never knew a physician a bawd.

140Gud. Why, by conjuration, I tell you, wherein you are said to be as well practised as in physic: here’s the best part of my present store to effect it.

[Giving money.

Gli. Not a penny for myself; but my spirits, indeed, they must be feed.^[258] Walk you by here, while I think upon a spell. [Gudgeon retires.]—What mystery should this be? Lipsalve and Gudgeon both in love with mistress Purge, and come to me to help ’em by art magic? ’Tis some gullery sure; yet, if my invention hold, I’ll fit them.—Who’s within there?

Enter Servant.^[259]

Fetch me, in all haste, two good whips; I think you may have them not far hence. [Exit Servant.]—It shall be so. [Aside.]—Now, tell me, master Gudgeon, does no man know of your love to mistress Purge?

Gud. Not a man, by my gentry.

Gli. Then, sir, know I’ll effect it; but understand withal the apparition will be most horrid if it appear in his proper form, and will so amaze and dull your senses, that your appetite will be lost and weak, though mistress Purge should attend it naked. Now, sir, could you name a friend with whom you are most conversant, in his likeness should the spirit appear.

Gud. Of all men living my conversation is most frequent with Lipsalve the courtier.

Gli. ’Tis enough: I’ll to my spirit. [Gudgeon retires, and Glister writes a few words.]—Are these whips come there?

141Re-enter Servant with whips.

Ser. Ready here, sir. [Exit.

Gli. So, lie thou^[260] there. My noble gallants, I’ll so firk you! [Aside.]—Sir, my spirit agrees in Lipsalve’s shape: to-morrow, ’twixt the hours of four and five, shall mistress Purge be rapt with a whirlwind into Lipsalve’s chamber: that’s the fittest place, for, by the break of day, Lipsalve shall be mounted and forsake the city for three days; so my spirit resolves^[261] me. Now, sir, by my art, at that very hour shall his chamber-door fly open; into which boldly enter in this sort accoutred; put me on a pure clean shirt, leave off your doublet (for spirits endure nothing polluted), take me this whip in your hand, and, being entered, you shall see the spirit in Lipsalve’s shape, in the self-same form that you appear; speak these words here ready written [giving a paper], take three bold steps forward, then whip him soundly, who straight vanisheth, and leaves mistress Purge to your will.

Gud. Ay, but shall your spirit come armed with a whip too?

Gli. He shall, but have no power to strike.

Gud. Is this infallible? have you seen the proof?

Gli. Probatum, upon my word; I have seen the experience: if it fail, say I am a fool, and no magician.

Gud. Master doctor, I would you had some suit at court; by the faith of a courtier, I would beg it for you. Fare you well, sir: I shall report of you as I find your charm.

142Gli. And no otherwise, sir: let me understand how you thrive. [Exit Gudgeon.]—Ha, ha, ha! Now to my friend Lipsalve: I must possess him with the same circumstance; wherein I am assured to get perpetual laughter in their follies and my revenge. [Exit.

Re-enter Maria.^[262]

Mar. O, which way shall I turn, or shift, or go,

To lose one thought of care? no soothing hope

Gives intermission, or beguiles one hour

Of tedious time, which never will have end,

Whilst love pursues in vain my absent friend.

Thou continent of wealth, whose want of store,

For that it could not peize^[263] th’ unequal scale

Of avarice, giv’st matter to my moan!

O dross, the level of insatiate eyes,

The devil’s engine, and the soul’s corrupter,

Thou play’st th’ attorney ’gainst the lawful force

Of true affection, dost interpose a bar

’Twixt hearts conjoin’d! curs’d be thy seed of strife,

Whose progress chokes the natural course of life!

[Gerardine rises out of the trunk, while

Maria retreats in alarm.

Mar. O, help, help, help!

Ger. Stay, sweet Maria! I bring thee ample joy

143To check that sudden fear: let thy sweet heart,

That constant seat of thy affection,

Repay that blood exhausted from thy veins.

Fear not, sweet wench: I am no apparition,

But the firm substance of thy truest friend:

Know’st thou me now?

Mar. Gerardine, my love?

[O] what unheard-of accident presents

Thy unexpected self, and gives my heart

Matter of joy, mix’d with astonishment?

I thought thou had’st been cabin’d in thy ship,

Not trunk’d within my cruel guardian’s house.

Ger. That cruelty gives fuel to desire;

For love suppress’d fares like a raging fire,

Which burns all obstacles that stop his course,

And mounts aloft. The ocean in his source

May easier hide himself and be confin’d,

Than love can be obscur’d; for in the mind

She holds her seat, and through that heavenly essence

Is near when far remote; her virtual presence

Fills, like the air, all places, gives delight,

Hope in despair, and heart ’gainst fell despite.

That worst of men, thy cruel guardian, may

Keep down awhile, but cannot dissipate

What heaven hath join’d; for fate and providence

Gave me this stratagem, to let him know

That love will creep where ’tis restrain’d to go.

Mar. I apprehend the rest: O rare conceit!

I see thy travel happily was feign’d

To win access, which with small ease thou’st^[264] gain’d.

This trunk, which he so greedily supposes

Contains thy substance (as it doth indeed),

144Upon thy fair pretence in lieu of love

Bequeath’d to me, if death should stop the course,—

This trunk, I say, he hugs; sink thou or swim,

So he may feed his wolf, that root of sin,

His avarice: but heaven, that mocks man’s might,

Gives this close means t’ insist upon our right.

Ger. Ingenious spirit, true oracle of love!

Thou hast prevented^[265] me: this was my plot,

Whose end and scope I long to imitate

With accents free, and uncontroll’d with fear.

Does opportunity stand fair?

Mar. Not now:

Danger stands sentinel.

Ger. Then I’ll retire:

We must be cautelous.^[266]

[He goes again into the trunk.

Mar. So, so: and time

Shall not oft turn his hour-glass ere I’ll find

Place^[267] and occasion fitting to thy mind. [Exit.