Act 4 — SCENE V.
Reading edition
Dampit’s Bed-chamber.
Dampit in bed; Audrey spinning by; Boy.
Aud. [singing]
Let the usurer cram him, in interest that excel,
There’s pits enow to damn him before he comes to hell;
In Holborn some, in Fleet Street some,
Where’er he come there’s some, there’s some.
Damp. Trahe , trahito , draw the curtain; give me a sip of sack more.
While he drinks, enter Lamprey and Spichcock.
Lam. Look you; did not I tell you he lay like the devil in chains, when he was bound for a thousand year?[139]
Spi. But I think[140] the devil had no steel bed-staffs; he goes beyond him for that.
83Lam. Nay, do but mark the conceit of his drinking; one must wipe his mouth for him with a muckinder,[141] do you see, sir?
Spi. Is this the sick trampler?[142] why, he is only bed-rid with drinking.
Lam. True, sir. He spies us.
Dam. What, Sir Tristram? you come and see a weak man here, a very weak man.
Lam. If you be weak in body, you should be strong in prayer, sir.
Dam. O, I have prayed too much, poor man!
Lam. There’s a taste of his soul for you!
Spi. Faugh, loathsome!
Lam. I come to borrow a hundred pound of you, sir.
Dam. Alas, you come at an ill time! I cannot spare it, i’faith; I ha’ but two thousand i’ th’ house.
Aud. Ha, ha, ha!
Dam. Out, you gernative quean, the mullipood of villany, the spinner of concupiscency!
Enter Sir Launcelot, and others.
Sir L. Yea, gentlemen, are you here before us? how is he now?
Lam. Faith, the same man still: the tavern bitch has bit him i’ th’ head.[143]
Sir L. We shall have the better sport with him: peace.—And how cheers master Dampit now?
Dam. O, my bosom Sir Launcelot, how cheer I! thy presence is restorative.
84Sir L. But I hear a great complaint of you, master Dampit, among gallants.
Dam. I am glad of that, i’faith: prithee, what?
Sir L. They say you are waxed proud a’ late, and if a friend visit you in the afternoon, you’ll scarce know him.
Dam. Fie, fie; proud? I cannot remember any such thing: sure I was drunk then.
Sir L. Think you so, sir?
Dam. There ’twas, i’faith; nothing but the pride of the sack; and so certify ’em.—Fetch sack, sirrah.
Boy. A vengeance sack you once!
[Exit, and returns presently with sack.
Aud. Why, master Dampit, if you hold on as you begin, and lie a little longer, you need not take care how to dispose your wealth; you’ll make the vintner your heir.
Dam. Out, you babliaminy, you unfeathered, cremitoried quean, you cullisance of scabiosity!
Aud. Good words, master Dampit, to speak before a maid and a virgin!
Dam. Hang thy virginity upon the pole of carnality!
Aud. Sweet terms! my mistress shall know ’em.
Lam. Note but the misery of this usuring slave: here he lies, like a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his drunken blasphemies; and they to whom he bequeaths all, grudge him the very meat that feeds him, the very pillow that eases him. Here may a usurer behold his end: what profits it to be a slave in this world, and a devil i’ th’ next?
Dam. Sir Launcelot, let me buss thee, Sir Launcelot; thou art the only friend that I honour and respect.
Sir L. I thank you for that, master Dampit.
85Dam. Farewell, my bosom Sir Launcelot.
Sir L. Gentlemen, and[144] you love me, let me step behind you, and one of you fall a-talking of me to him.
Lam. Content.—Master Dampit——
Dam. So, sir.
Lam. Here came Sir Launcelot to see you e’en now.
Dam. Hang him, rascal!
Lam. Who? Sir Launcelot?
Dam. Pythagorical rascal!
Lam. Pythagorical?
Dam. Ay, he changes[145] his cloak when he meets a sergeant.
Sir L. What a rogue’s this!
Lam. I wonder you can rail at him, sir; he comes in love to see you.
Dam. A louse for his love! his father was a comb-maker; I have no need of his crawling love: he comes to have longer day,[146] the superlative rascal!
Sir L. ’Sfoot, I can no longer endure the rogue!—Master Dampit, I come to take my leave once again, sir.
Dam. Who? my dear and kind Sir Launcelot, 86the only gentleman of England? let me hug thee: farewell, and a thousand.[147]
Lam. Compos’d of wrongs and slavish flatteries!
Sir L. Nay, gentlemen, he shall shew you more tricks yet; I’ll give you another taste of him.
Lam. Is’t possible?
Sir L. His memory is upon departing.
Dam. Another cup of sack!
Sir L. Mass, then ’twill be quite gone! Before he drink that, tell him there’s a country client come up, and here attends for his learned advice.
Lam. Enough.
Dam. One cup more, and then let the bell toll: I hope I shall be weak enough by that time.
Lam. Master Dampit——
Dam. Is the sack spouting?
Lam. ’Tis coming forward, sir. Here’s a country man, a client of yours, waits for your deep and profound advice, sir.
Dam. A coxcombry, where is he? let him approach: set me up a peg higher.
Lam. [to Sir Laun.] You must draw near, sir.
Dam. Now, good man fooliaminy, what say you to me now?
Sir L. Please your good worship, I am a poor man, sir——
Dam. What make you in my chamber then?
Sir L. I would entreat your worship’s device[148] in a just and honest cause, sir.
87Dam. I meddle with no such matters; I refer ’em to master No-man’s office.
Sir L. I had but one house left me in all the world, sir, which was my father’s, my grandfather’s, my great-grandfather’s, and now a villain has unjustly wrung me out, and took possession on’t.
Dam. Has he such feats? Thy best course is to bring thy ejectione firmæ , and in seven year thou mayst shove him out by the law.
Sir L. Alas, an’t please your worship, I have small friends and less money!
Dam. Hoyday! this geer will fadge well:[149] hast no money? why, then, my advice is, thou must set fire a’ th’ house, and so get him out.
Lam. That will break strife, indeed.
Sir L. I thank your worship for your hot counsel, sir.—Altering but my voice a little, you see he knew me not: you may observe by this, that a drunkard’s memory holds longer in the voice than in the person. But, gentlemen, shall I shew you a sight? Behold the little dive-dapper[150] of damnation, Gulf the usurer, for his time worse than t’other.
Lam. What’s he comes with him?
Sir L. Why Hoard, that married lately the widow Medler.
Lam. O, I cry you mercy, sir.
Enter Hoard and Gulf.
Hoa. Now, gentlemen visitants, how does master Dampit?
Sir L. Faith, here he lies, e’en drawing in, sir, good canary as fast as he can, sir; a very weak creature truly, he is almost past memory.
88Hoa. Fie, master Dampit! you lie lazing a-bed here, and I come to invite you to my wedding-dinner: up, up, up!
Dam. Who’s this? master Hoard? who hast thou married, in the name of foolery?
Hoa. A rich widow.
Dam. A Dutch widow?[151]
Hoa. A rich widow; one widow Medler.
Dam. Medler? she keeps open house.
Hoa. She did, I can tell you, in her t’other husband’s days; open house for all comers; horse and man was welcome, and room enough for ’em all.
Dam. There’s too much for thee then; thou mayst let out some to thy neighbours.
Gulf. What, hung alive in chains? O spectacle! bed-staffs of steel? O monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum! [152] O Dampit, Dampit, here’s a just judgment shewn upon usury, extortion, and trampling[153] villany!
Sir L. This [is] excellent, thief rails upon the thief!
Gulf. Is this the end of cut-throat usury, brothel, and blasphemy? now mayst thou see what race a usurer runs.
Dam. Why, thou rogue of universality, do not I know thee? thy sound is like the cuckoo, the Welch ambassador:[154] thou cowardly slave, that offers to fight with a sick man when his weapon’s 89down! rail upon me in my naked bed? why, thou great Lucifer’s little vicar! I am not so weak but I know a knave at first sight: thou inconscionable rascal! thou that goest upon Middlesex juries, and wilt make haste to give up thy verdict[155] because thou wilt not lose thy dinner! Are you answered?
Gulf. An’t were not for shame—— [Draws his dagger.
Dam. Thou wouldst be hanged then.
Lam. Nay, you must exercise patience, master Gulf, always in a sick man’s chamber.
Sir L. He’ll quarrel with none, I warrant you, but those that are bed-rid.
Dam. Let him come, gentlemen, I am armed: reach my close-stool hither.
Sir L. Here will be a sweet fray anon; I’ll leave you, gentlemen.
Lam. Nay, we’ll along with you.—Master Gulf——
Gulf. Hang him, usuring rascal!
Sir L. Push,[156] set your strength to his, your wit to his!
Aud. Pray, gentlemen, depart; his hour’s come upon him.—Sleep in my bosom, sleep.
Sir L. Nay, we have enough of him, i’faith; keep him for the house.
Now make your best:[157]
For thrice his wealth I would not have his breast.
90Gulf. A little thing would make me beat him now he’s asleep.
Sir L. Mass, then ’twill be a pitiful day when he wakes! I would be loath to see that day: come.
Gulf. You overrule me, gentlemen, i’faith. [Exeunt.