Act 4 — SCENE IV.
Reading edition
A Street.
Enter Lipsalve, Gudgeon, Shrimp, and Periwinkle.
Lip. Our hopes are cross’d: sure there’s some providence
Which countermands libidinous appetites,
For what we most intend is counter-check’d
By strange and unexpected accidents;
For by disguise procuring full access,
Nay, ready to have seiz’d[354] th’ expected prize,
The candle out, steps ’twix my hopes and me
Some peasant groom,[355] possess’d and full enjoy’d
That sweet for which our vigilant eyes have watch’d,
And in one moment frustrates all our hopes.
Gud. Upon my life, we are bewitched. The greasy rascal that first seized mistress Purge, by the last reflection of the light, appeared to my sight not much unlike her husband.
Lip. The court’s gall, the city’s plague, and Europa’s sea-form[356] be his perpetual crest, what-e’er ’a was! To lose mistress Purge for lack of dexterity, is a disgrace insalveable: the like opportunity will never present itself.
Gud. ’Twas an egregious grief, I must confess, to see a knave slip betwixt us both and take occasion by the foretop: but since these projects have had so star-cross events, let’s lay some plot how to 179revenge our late disgrace on the doctor by making him cuckold.
Enter Purge.
Lip. Agreed: but what melancholy sir, with acrostic[357] arms, now comes from the Family?
Gud. Purge the ’pothecary: I prithee, let’s step aside and hear the issue of this discontent.
[They retire with the two pages.
Pur. O the misery of married men’s estate!
Lip. ’A begins very pitifully. [Aside.
Pur. O women, what are many of you!
Lip. Why, disease[s] to bachelors, and plagues to married men. [Aside.
Pur. O marriage, the rage of all our miseries! my wife is a dissembling strumpet.
Gud. So is many a man’s besides yours; and what of that?
[Aside.
Pur. I would have a law, that all such which pray little should instantly be married; for then would they pray continually, if it were but to be rid of their wives.
Lip. This is a charitable request, and surely would pass the Lower-house. [Aside.
Pur. Surely if affliction can bring a man to heaven, I cannot see how any married man can be damned: I have made myself a plain cuckold.
Gud. A pile[358] on ye, won’t you! had you not been so manable,[359] here are some would have saved you that labour. [Aside.
Pur. What shall I do in this extremity? had I but witness of the fact, I would make her answer 180it before authority. This is my wedding-ring; ’tis it, I know it by the posy: this I took from her finger in the dark, and she was therewith very well pleased: were not this, trow,[360] a sufficient testimony? she knows not that it was myself got so near her: I will take counsel. Well, little know bachelors the miseries they undergo when they prostrate themselves to women.
Lip. [coming forward with Gudgeon] O most true, master Purge! little knows a man what elements ’a is to pass, when ’a puts his head under a woman’s girdle. Your passion,[361] master Purge, is overheard, and, plain tale to tell, we were eye-witnesses of your wife’s treachery, and if need be, will be ready to depose as much.
Pur. What, master Lipsalve and master Gudgeon, are you disguised testimonies?
Nay, then, revenge, look big! Elf and fairy,
Help to revenge the wronged ’pothecary!
Gud. Why, now ’a speaks like himself: get me a paritor[362] for her straight.
Lip. Conceal the ring, my little Purge; let not thy wife know thou hast it, until she comes to her trial.
Enter Dryfat, and Gerardine disguised as an apparitor.
Pur. Your advices are very pithy; therefore in private let me disclose my intent.
Gud. Off,[363] boys!
[Purge, Lipsalve, and Gudgeon retire.
Shr. What dost thou think of thy master? is ’a 181not a rare gull?
Per. I think ’a will swallow and pocket more disgraces than large-conscienced lawyer fees in a Michaelmas term. Thy master, my honest Shrimp,[364] comes not much short of a fool too, but that ’a is a courtier.
Shr. Draw somewhat near, and overhear their conference.
[Retires with Periwinkle.
Ger. This shape of the crier must Club to-morrow assume. Are you fitted for Poppin the proctor?
Dry. Excellent, and have spent some study in the mystical cases of venery: I can describe how often a man may lie with another man’s wife before ’a come to the white sheet.
Ger. How long is that?
Dry. Why, till ’a be taken tardy:—how long all womenkind may, by the statute, profess and swear they are maids.
Ger. And how long is that?
Dry. Why, till their bellies be so big that it cannot be no longer concealed: but come forward towards Glister’s.
Lip. It must be so; let the sumner[365] tickle her: you shall bring in these allegations, and let us alone to swear them.—[Advancing with Purge and Gudgeon.] Who’s this? master Dryfat? opportunely met, sir: and whither so fast? the news, the news?
Dry. Faith, gentlemen, I think to relate for news what I hear of doctor Glister would come stale to your hearings.
182Lip. O, the getting of his niece with child: tut, that’s apparently known to all the company.—But, in the name of Jupiter, what art thou, or from whence camest thou?
Ger. Why, sir, I come from compassing the corners of the land.
Gud. Of what trade, in the name of Pluto?
Ger. Of the devil’s trade; for I live, as he does, by the sins of the people; in brief, sir, I am Placket the paritor.[366]
Lip. As the devil would!—We have, my noble paritor, instant employment for thee; a grey groat is to be purchased without sneaking, my little sumner: where’s thy quorum nomina, my honest Placket?
Ger. Sir, according to the old ballad,
My quorum nomina ready have I,
With my pen and inkhorn hanging by.
Her name, sir, her name?
Gud. Is’t no more but so?
Pur. I have most right to her name.—Her name, master Placket, is my wife, mistress Purge, sir: to what place dost thou belong?
Ger. To the commissioners which sit to-morrow at master Dryfat’s upon the crimes of doctor Glister and others.
Lip. Sits there a commission, Dryfat? now, for the love of lechery, let’s have mistress Purge summoned thither.
Ger. She makes my quorum nomina reasonable full: my grant, sir, and she shall appear there upon a crime of concupiscence: is not that your meaning?
Pur. Yes, my honest paritor: here’s thy fee.
[Giving money.
183Enter Mistress Purge and Club.
Gud. And see how happily it succeeds! mistress Purge is new come from the Family. Let us step aside, while Placket the paritor gives her a summons.
Lip. Content.—To her, Placket; but see, for the bribery of twelvepence, you strike her not out of your quorum nomina.
Ger. Fear not, sir.
[Lipsalve, Gudgeon, Purge, and
Dryfat retire.
Mis. P. Forward apace, Club.
Ger. Your name I take to be mistress Purge, fair gentlewoman?
Mis. P. I am mistress Purge, Purge’s wife the ’pothecary: what of that?
Dry. Now you shall see him tickle her with a quorum nomina. [Aside.
Ger. I cite you, by virtue of my quorum nomina, to make your personal appearance by eight of the clock in the morrow morning, before certain commissioners at master Dryfat’s house, to answer to an accusation of a crime of concupiscence.
Mis. P. To answer a crime of concupiscence? what’s that, I pray?
Ger. Why, ’tis to answer a venereal crime, for having carnal copulation with others besides your husband.
Mis. P. What are you, I pray?
Ger. By name Placket, by trade a paritor.
Mis. P. And must I answer, say you, to a venereal crime? I tell thee, Placket the paritor, I am able to answer thee or any man else in any venereal crime they’ll put me to; and so tell your commissioners.
184Ger. If you fail your appearance, the penalty must fall heavy.
Mis. P. If it fall never so heavy, I am able to bear it:—and so set forward, Club. [Exit with Club.
Lip. [coming forward with the others] Excellent, i’faith!—After your wife, Purge.—Read, Placket, thy quorum nomina, my noble groat-monger.
[Exit Purge.
Ger. Silence! The first that marcheth in this fair rank is Thrum[367] the feltmaker, for getting his maid with child, and sending his ’prentice to Bridewell for the fact; Whip the beadle, for letting a punk escape for a night’s lodging and bribe of ten groats; Bat the bellman, for lying with a wench in a tailor’s stall at midnight, when ’a should be performing his office; and Tipple[368] the tapster, for deflowering a virgin in his cellar; doctor Glister, his wife, Maria, mistress Purge: these be the complete number.
Lip. Now dissolve, and each to his occasion till to-morrow morning. [Exeunt severally.