Act 5 — ACT V. SCENE I.
Reading edition
A Room in Glister’s House.
Enter Glister and Mistress Glister.
Mis. G. This was your colour[369] to keep her close; but what cloak ha’ you for her’s and your own shame? What, your own niece, your brother’s daughter, besides your bastard in the country!
185Gli. Wife, range not too far, I would advise you; come home in time: vex me not beyond sufferance; the two-edged sword of thy tongue hath drawn blood o’ me. Patience, I say: thou art all this while in an error.
Mis. G. No, thou hast been all this while in an urinal; thou hast gone out of thy compass in women’s waters: you’re a conjuror, forsooth, and can rouse your spirits into circles. Ah, you old fornicator, that ever I saw that red beard of thine! now could I rail against thy complexion: I think, in my conscience, the traces and caparison of Venus’ coach are made o’ red hairs; which may be a true emblem that no flaxen stuff or tanned white leather draws love like ’em: I think thou manuredest thy chin with the droppings of eggs and muskadine before it bristled. A shame take thee and thy loadstone! But ’tis no matter; master Placket the paritor[370] has cited you, and you shall answer it.
Gli. O the raging jealousy of a woman! Do you hear, wife? I will shew myself a man of sense, and answer you with silence; or like a man of wisdom, speak in brief: I say you are a scold, and beware the cucking-stool.[371]
[Exit.
Mis. G. I say you are a ninnihammer, and beware the cuckoo; for as sure as I have ware, I’ll traffic with the next merchant venturer: and in good time here come[372] gallants of the right trade.
186Enter Lipsalve and Gudgeon, and Glister behind watching them.
Lip. All alone, mistress Glister? meditating who shall be your next child’s father?
Gud. Indeed, methinks, that should be one end of her thought, an’t be but to cry quittance with her husband, of whose abuse the town rings.
Gli. Flax and fire, flax and fire! here are fellows come in the nick, to light their matches at my tinder.
[Aside.
Lip. He tells you true, mistress Glister: the doctor hath made you ordinary in our ordinaries; satires whet their tooths, and steep rods in piss, epigrams lie in poetry’s pickle, and we shall have rhyme out of all reason against you.
Gud. Ere long he will take up his station at a stationer’s, where we shall see him do penance in a sheet at least.
Mis. G. O, I am nettled! my patience is so provoked, that I must doff my modesty: what shall I do? if ye be honest gentlemen, counsel me in my revenge, teach me what to do, make my case your own.
Lip. Why, you are in the common road of revenge: take which hand you will, you cannot go out o’ your way; ’tis as soon taken as time by his forepart.
Gud. Faith, since he has strook with the sword, strike you with the scabbard; in plain terms, cuckold him: you may as easily do’t as lie down o’ your bed.
Gli. This gear cottens,[373] i’faith. [Aside.
Mis. G. I apprehend you, gentlemen. Lord, 187how much better are two heads than one to make one large head!
Lip. You say true, mistress Glister: there’s help required in grafting; and how happily we come to tender our service! Let our pretence be to take physic of the doctor; and that he may with as much ease minister to us as we to you, we’ll take a lodging in his house.
Mis. G. Passing well: the colour is so good, that you shall wear my favour out o’ the same piece.
Lip. Excellent, excellent!—Now shall we be revenged for the whipping.—Mistress Glister, let me be your first man.
Gud. Nay, soft, sir, I plied her as soon as you.
Gli. I should have an oar in her boat too by right. Aside.
Lip. How ill-advised were you to marry one with a red beard!
Mis. G. O master Lipsalve, I am not the first that has fallen under that ensign! there’s no complexion more attractive in this time for women than gold and red beards: such men are all liver.[376]
Gud. Ay, but small heart, and less honesty.
Lip. Yes, they are honest too in some kind, for they’ll beg before they’ll steal.
Gud. That’s true; for, for one that holds up his hand at the sessions, you shall have ten come into the bawdy court.
Gli. Was ever beard so back-bitten? this were enough to make red beards turn medley, and dash ’em clean out of countenance; but I hope, like 188mine, they fear no colours. And[377] you were ten courtiers, I’ll front you: I must give you physic, with a pox! well, if I pepper ye not, call me doctor Doddipoll.[378] [Aside.]—Master Lipsalve and master Gudgeon, you are heartily welcome; I am very glad to see you well.
Lip. O master doctor, your salutation is very suspicious!
Gli. Why, master Lipsalve?
Lip. It can scarce be hearty, for physicians are rather glad to see men ill than well.
Gli. Not so, sir; you must distinguish of men; though this I know, virtue is not the end of all science, which commonly keeps the professor poor; some study questuary[379] and gainful arts, and every one would thrive in’s calling: but, i’faith, gentlemen, what wind drives you hither?
Gud. The wind-colic, master doctor, or some such disease.
Gli. But not the stone-colic?
Lip. O no, sir, we have no obstructions in those parts; we are loose enough there.
Gli. If you were troubled with that, my wife can tell you of an excellent remedy.
Gud. We need it not, we need it not: but indeed, master doctor, for some private infirmities (which our waters shall make known to you), we desire to take some physic of you for a few days; and to that end we would take a lodging in your house during the time.
Lip. Shall we entreat your favour?
189Gli. No entreaty, gentlemen; you shall command me to search the very profundity of my skill for you.—Have them in, wife, and shew them their lodging.—I will think upon another receipt, and follow you immediately.
Gud. And, i’faith, we shall requite your pains to the full.
[Exeunt Mis. Glister, Lipsalve, and Gudgeon.
Gli. To the fool, you mean: I know you ha’ the horn of plenty for me, which you would derive unto me from the liberality of your bawdies,[380] not your minds. Here are lords that, having learned the O P Q of courtship, travel up and down among citizens’ wives, to shew their learning and bringing up; as if the city were not already a good proficient in the court horn-book: yes, I warrant, they have heads as capable as other men; ay, and some of them can wisely say with the philosopher, that in knowing all, they know nothing. Well, because I am of the livery, and pay scot and lot amongst you, do but observe how I’ll fetch over my gallants for your sakes. They say I am of the right hair; and, indeed, they may stand to’t, and hold the position good, saving with my wife.—Soft; are they not at pro and contra already? I know they are hot-spurs, and I must have an eye to the main. They have been whipt already for lechery, and yet the pride of the flesh pricks ’em.
Well, I must in: I’ve[381] given them such a pill
Shall take ’em down; for lust must have his fill.
[Exit.
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