Act 4 — SCENE IV.
Reading edition
A Room in Hoard’s House.
Enter Hoard.
Hoa. What a sweet blessing hast thou, master Hoard, above a multitude! wilt thou never be thankful? how dost thou think to be blest another time? or dost thou count this the full measure of thy happiness? by my troth, I think thou dost: not only a wife large in possessions, but spacious in content; she’s rich, she’s young, she’s fair, she’s wise: when I wake, I think of her lands—that revives me; when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty—and that’s enough for me: she’s worth four hundred a-year in her very smock, if a man knew how to use it. But the journey will be all, in troth, into the country; to ride to her lands in state and order following; my brother, and other worshipful gentlemen, whose companies I ha’ sent down for already, to ride along with us in their goodly decorum beards, their broad velvet cassocks, and chains of gold twice or thrice double; against which time I’ll entertain some ten men of mine own into liveries, all of occupations or qualities; I will not keep an idle man about me: the sight of which will so vex my adversary Lucre—for we’ll pass by his door of purpose, make a little stand for [the] nonce,[122] and have our horses curvet before the window—certainly he will never endure it, but run up and hang himself presently.
Enter Servant.
How now, sirrah, what news? any that offer their service to me yet?
72Ser. Yes, sir, there are some i’ th’ hall that wait for your worship’s liking, and desire to be entertained.
Hoa. Are they of occupation?
Ser. They are men fit for your worship, sir.
Hoa. Sayest so? send ’em all in. [Exit Servant.]—To see ten men ride after me in watchet[123] liveries, with orange-tawny capes,[124]—’twill cut his comb, i’faith.
Enter Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman.
How now? of what occupation are you, sir?
Tai. A tailor, an’t please your worship.
Hoa. A tailor? O, very good: you shall serve to make all the liveries.—What are you, sir?
Bar. A barber, sir.
Hoa. A barber? very needful: you shall shave all the house, and, if need require, stand for a reaper i’ th’ summer time.—You, sir?
Per. A perfumer.
Hoa. I smelt you before: perfumers, of all men, had need carry themselves uprightly; for if they were once knaves, they would be smelt out quickly.—To you, sir?
Fal. A falconer, an’t please your worship.
Hoa. Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho!—And you, sir?
Hunt. A huntsman, sir.
Hoa. There, boy, there, boy, there, boy! I am not so old but I have pleasant days to come. I promise you, my masters, I take such a good liking to you, that I entertain you all; I put you already into my countenance, and you shall be shortly in 73my livery; but especially you two, my jolly falconer and my bonny huntsman; we shall have most need of you at my wife’s manor-houses i’ th’ country; there’s goodly parks and champion[125] grounds for you; we shall have all our sports within ourselves; all the gentlemen a’ th’ country shall be beholding[126] to us and our pastimes.
Fal. And we’ll make your worship admire, sir.
Hoa. Sayest thou so? do but make me admire, and thou shalt want for nothing.—My tailor.
Tai. Anon, sir.
Hoa. Go presently in hand with the liveries.
Tai. I will, sir.
Hoa. My barber.
Bar. Here, sir.
Hoa. Make ’em all trim fellows, louse ’em well,—especially my huntsman,—and cut all their beards of the Polonian fashion.—My perfumer.
Per. Under your nose, sir.
Hoa. Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away the scent of my tailor’s feet, and my barber’s lotium-water.
Per. It shall be carefully performed, sir.
Hoa. But you, my falconer and huntsman, the welcomest men alive, i’faith!
Hunt. And we’ll shew you that, sir, shall deserve your worship’s favour.
Hoa. I prithee, shew me that.—Go, you knaves all, and wash your lungs i’ th’ buttery, go. [Exeunt Tailor, Barber, &c.]—By th’ mass, and well remembered! 74I’ll ask my wife that question.—Wife, mistress Jane Hoard!
Enter Courtesan, altered in apparel.
Court. Sir, would you with me?
Hoa. I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or i’ th’ country?
Court. Hum:—faith, sir, ’twould like[127] me better here; here you were married, here let all rites be ended.
Hoa. Could a marquesse[128] give a better answer? Hoard, bear thy head aloft, thou’st a wife will advance it.
Enter Host with a letter.
What haste comes here now? yea, a letter? some dreg of my adversary’s malice. Come hither; what’s the news?
Host. A thing that concerns my mistress, sir.
[Giving a letter to Courtesan.
Hoa. Why then it concerns me, knave.
Host. Ay, and you, knave, too (cry your worship mercy): you are both like to come into trouble, I promise you, sir; a pre-contract.
Hoa. How? a pre-contract, sayest thou?
Host. I fear they have too much proof on’t, sir: old Lucre, he runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast as he can; young Witgood laid hold on by his creditors, he exclaims upon you a’ t’other side, says you have wrought his undoing by the injurious detaining of his contract.
Hoa. Body a’ me!
75Host. He will have utmost satisfaction;
The law shall give him recompense, he says.
Court. Alas, his creditors so merciless! my state being yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to further him. [Aside.
Host. True, sir.
Hoa. Wife, what says that letter? let me construe it.
Court. Curs’d be my rash and unadvised words!
[Tears the letter and stamps on it.
I’ll set my foot upon my tongue,
And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.
Hoa. Wife——
Host. A pretty shift, i’faith! I commend a woman when she can make away a letter from her husband handsomely, and this was cleanly done, by my troth. [Aside.
Court. I did, sir;
Some foolish words I must confess did pass,
Which now litigiously he fastens on me.
Hoa. Of what force? let me examine ’em.
Court. Too strong, I fear: would I were well freed of him!
Hoa. Shall I compound?
Court. No, sir, I’d have it done some nobler way
Of your side; I’d have you come off with honour;
Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not
The means, sir? the occasion’s offer’d you.
Hoa. Where? how, dear wife?
Court. He is now caught by his creditors; the slave’s needy; his debts petty; he’ll rather bind himself to all inconveniences than rot in prison: by this only means you may get a release from him: ’tis not yet come to his uncle’s hearing; send speedily for the creditors; by this time he’s 76desperate; he’ll set his hand to any thing: take order for his debts, or discharge ’em quite: a pax[129] on him, let’s be rid of a rascal!
Hoa. Excellent!
Thou dost astonish me.—Go, run, make haste;
Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither.
Host. This will be some revenge yet.
[Aside, and exit.
Hoa. In the mean space I’ll have a release drawn.—Within there!
Enter Servant.
Ser. Sir?
Hoa. Sirrah, come take directions; go to my scrivener.
Court. [aside; while Hoard gives directions to the
servant] I’m yet like those whose riches lie in dreams,
If I be wak’d, they’re false; such is my fate,
Who venture[130] deeper than the desperate state.
Though I have sinn’d, yet could I become new,
For where I once vow, I am ever true.
Hoa. Away, despatch, on my displeasure quickly.
[Exit Servant.
Happy occasion! pray heaven he be in the right vein now to set his hand to’t, that nothing alter him; grant that all his follies may meet in him at once, to besot him enough! I pray for him, i’faith, and here he comes.
Enter Witgood and Creditors.
Wit. What would you with me now, my uncle’s spiteful adversary?
Hoa. Nay, I am friends.
Wit. Ay, when your mischief’s spent.
77Hoa. I heard, you were arrested.
Wit. Well, what then? you will pay none of my debts, I am sure.
Hoa. A wise man cannot tell;
There may be those conditions ’greed upon
May move me to do much.
Wit. Ay, when?—
’Tis thou, perjurèd woman! (O, no name
Is vild[131] enough to match thy treachery!)
That art the cause of my confusion.
Court. Out, you penurious slave!
Hoa. Nay, wife, you are too froward;
Let him alone; give losers leave to talk.
Wit. Shall I remember thee of another promise
Far stronger than the first?
Court. I’d fain know that.
Wit. ’Twould call shame to thy cheeks.
Court. Shame?
Wit. Hark in your ear.—
Will he come off, think’st thou, and pay my debts roundly?
Court. Doubt nothing; there’s a release a-drawing and all, to which you must set your hand.
Wit. Excellent!
Court. But methinks, i’faith, you might have made some shift to discharge this yourself, having in the mortgage, and never have burdened my conscience with it.
Wit. A’ my troth, I could not, for my creditors’ cruelties extend to the present.
Court. No more.
Why, do your worst for that, I defy you.
They converse apart.
Wit. You’re impudent; I’ll call up witnesses.
78Court. Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted
To follies a long time.
Hoa. Wife, you’re too bitter.— Master Witgood, and you, my masters, you shall hear a mild speech come from me now, and this it is: ’t has been my fortune, gentlemen, to have an extraordinary blessing poured upon me a’ late, and here she stands; I have wedded her, and bedded her, and yet she is little the worse: some foolish words she hath passed to you in the country, and some peevish[132] debts you owe here in the city; set the hare’s head to the goose-giblet,[133] release you her of her words, and I’ll release you of your debts, sir.
Wit. Would you so? I thank you for that, sir; I cannot blame you, i’faith.
Hoa. Why, are not debts better than words, sir?
Wit. Are not words promises, and are not promises debts, sir?
Hoa. He plays at back-racket with me. [Aside.
First C. Come hither, master Witgood, come hither; be ruled by fools once.
Sec. C. We are citizens, and know what belong[s] to’t.
First C. Take hold of his offer: pax[134] on her, let her go; if your debts were once discharged, I would help you to a widow myself worth ten of her.
79Third C. Mass, partner, and now you remember me on’t, there’s master Mulligrub’s sister newly fallen a widow.
First C. Cuds me, as pat as can be! there’s a widow left for you; ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels, et cetera : I warrant it a match; we can do all in all with her; prithee, despatch; we’ll carry thee to her presently.
Wit. My uncle will ne’er endure me when he shall hear I set my hand to a release.
Sec. C. Hark, I’ll tell thee a trick for that: I have spent five hundred pound in suits in my time, I should be wise; thou’rt now a prisoner; make a release; take’t of my word, whatsoever a man makes as long as he is in durance, ’tis nothing in law, not thus much.
[Snaps his fingers.
Wit. Say you so, sir?
Third C. I have paid for’t, I know’t.
Wit. Proceed then; I consent.
Third C. Why, well said.
Hoa. How now, my masters, what have you done with him?
First C. With much ado, sir, we have got him to consent.
Hoa. Ah—a—a! and what come[135] his debts to now?
First C. Some eight score odd pounds, sir.
Hoa. Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw! tell me the second time; give me a lighter sum; they are but desperate debts, you know; ne’er called in but upon such an accident; a poor, needy knave, he would starve and rot in prison: come, come, you shall have ten shillings in the pound, and the sum down roundly.
First C. You must make it a mark,[136] sir.
80Hoa. Go to then, tell your money in the meantime; you shall find little less there. [Giving them money.]—Come, master Witgood, you are so unwilling to do yourself good now!
Enter Scrivener.
Welcome, honest scrivener.—Now you shall hear the release read.
Scri. [reads] Be it known to all men, by these presents, that I, Theodorus Witgood, gentleman, sole nephew to Pecunius Lucre, having unjustly made title and claim to one Jane Medler, late widow of Anthony Medler, and now wife to Walkadine Hoard, in consideration of a competent sum of money to discharge my debts, do for ever hereafter disclaim any title, right, estate, or interest in or to the said widow, late in the occupation of the said Anthony Medler, and now in the occupation of Walkadine Hoard; as also neither to lay claim by virtue of any former contract, grant, promise, or demise, to any of her manor[s], manor-houses, parks, groves, meadow-grounds, arable lands, barns, stacks, stables, dove-holes, and coney-burrows; together with all her cattle, money, plate, jewels, borders, chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, moveables or immoveables.[137] In witness whereof, I the said Theodorus Witgood have interchangeably set to my hand and seal before these presents, the day and date above written.
Wit. What a precious fortune hast thou slipt here, like a beast as thou art!
Hoa. Come, unwilling heart, come.
Wit. Well, master Hoard, give me the pen; I see
’Tis vain to quarrel with our destiny.
[Signs the paper.
81Hoa. O, as vain a thing as can be! you cannot commit a greater absurdity, sir. So, so; give me that hand now; before all these presents, I am friends for ever with thee.
Wit. Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I should bear you any grudge, i’faith.
Hoa. Content: I’ll send for thy uncle against the wedding dinner; we will be friends once again.
Wit. I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.
Hoa. How now? is’t right, my masters?
First C. ’Tis something wanting, sir; yet it shall be sufficient.
Hoa. Why, well said; a good conscience makes a fine shew now-a-days. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my wine ere you depart.
All the Cred. We follow you, sir.
[Exeunt Hoard and Scrivener.
Wit. I’ll try these fellows now. [Aside.]—A word, sir: what, will you carry me to that widow now?
First C. Why, do you think we were in earnest, i’faith? carry you to a rich widow? we should get much credit by that: a noted rioter! a contemptible prodigal! ’twas a trick we have amongst us to get in our money: fare you well, sir. [Exeunt Creditors.
Wit. Farewell, and be hanged, you short pig-haired, ram-headed rascals! he that believes in you shall ne’er be saved, I warrant him. By this new league I shall have some access[138] unto my love.
82Joyce appears above.
Joyce. Master Witgood!
Wit. My life!
Joyce. Meet me presently; that note directs you [throws him a letter]: I would not be suspected: our happiness attends us: farewell.
Wit. A word’s enough. [Exeunt severally.