Act 5 — ACT V. SCENE I.

A Room in Simon’s House.

Enter Simon, Glover, Felt-maker, and other of his brethren, Aminadab, and Servants.

Sim. Is not that rebel Oliver, that traitor to my year, ’prehended yet?

Amin. Not yet, so please your worship.

Sim. Not yet, sayest thou? how durst thou say, not yet, and see me present? thou malapert, that art good for nothing but to write and read! Is his loom seized upon?

199Amin. Yes, if it like your worship, and sixteen yards of fustian.

Sim. Good: let a yard be saved to mend me between the legs, the rest cut in pieces and given to the poor. ’Tis heretic fustian, and should be burnt indeed; but being worn threadbare, the shame will be as great: how think you, neighbours?

Glov. Greater, methinks, the longer it is wore;

Where^[513] being once burnt, it can be burnt no more.

Sim. True, wise and most senseless.—How now, sirrah?

Enter a Footman.

What’s he approaching here in dusty pumps?

Amin. A footman, sir, to the great king of Kent.

Sim. The king of Kent? shake him by the hand for me.

Thou’rt welcome, footman: lo, my deputy shakes thee!

Come when my year is out, I’ll do’t myself.

If ’twere a dog that came from the king of Kent,

I keep those officers would shake him, I trow.

And what’s the news with thee, thou well-stew’d footman?

Foot. The king, my master—

Sim. Ha!

Foot. With a few Saxons,

Intends this night to make merry with you.

Sim. Merry with me? I should be sorry else, fellow,

And take it in ill part; so tell Kent’s king.

Why was I chosen, but that great men should make

200Merry with me? there is a jest indeed!

Tell him I look’d for’t; and me much he wrongs,

If he forget Sim that cut out his thongs.

Foot. I’ll run with your worship’s answer.

Sim. Do, I prithee. [Exit Footman.

That fellow will be roasted against supper;

He’s half enough already; his brows baste him.

The king of Kent! the king of Kirsendom^[514]

Shall not be better welcome;

For you must imagine now, neighbours, this is

The time when Kent stands out of Kirsendom,

For he that’s king here now was never kirsen’d.

This for your more instruction I thought fit,

That when you’re^[515] dead you may teach your children wit.—

Clerk!

Amin. At your worship’s elbow.

Sim. I must turn

You from the hall to the kitchen to-night.

Give order that twelve pigs be roasted yellow,

Nine geese, and some three larks for piddling meat,

And twenty woodcocks: I’ll bid all my neighbours.

Give charge the mutton come in all blood-raw,

That’s^[516] infidel’s meat; the king of Kent’s a pagan,

And must be servèd so. And let those officers

That seldom or never go to church bring it in,

’Twill be the better taken. Run, run.

[Exit Aminadab.

Come you hither now.

Take all my cushions down and thwack them soundly,

After my feast of millers; for their buttocks

201Have left a peck of flour in them: beat them carefully

Over a bolting-hutch, there will be enough

For a pan-pudding, as your dame will handle it.

Then put fresh water into both the bough-pots,

And burn a little juniper in the hall-chimney:

[Exeunt Servants.

Like a beast as I was, I pissed out the fire last night,

and never dreamt of the king’s coming.

Re-enter Aminadab.

How now, returned so quickly?

Amin. Please your worship, here are a certain company of players—

Sim. Ha, players!

Amin. Country comedians, interluders, sir, desire your worship’s favour and leave to enact in the town-hall.

Sim. In the town-hall? ’tis ten to one I never grant them that. Call them before my worship. [Exit ᚳAminadab.]—If my house will not serve their turn, I would fain see the proudest he lend them a barn.

Re-enter Aminadab with Players.^[517]

Now, sirs, are you comedians?

Second Play. We are, sir; comedians, tragedians, tragi-comedians, comi-tragedians, pastorists, humorists, clownists, satirists: we have them, sir, from the hug to the smile, from the smile to the laugh, from the laugh to the handkerchief.

Sim. You’re very strong in the wrist, methinks. 202And must all these good parts be cast away upon pedlars and maltmen, ha?

First Play. For want of better company, if it please your worship.

Sim. What think you of me, my masters? Hum; have you audacity enough to play before so high a person as myself? Will not my countenance daunt you? for if you play before me, I shall often look on you; I give you that warning beforehand. Take it not ill, my masters, I shall laugh at you, and truly when I am least offended with you: it is my humour; but be not you abashed.

First Play. Sir, we have play’d before a lord ere now,

Though we be country actors.

Sim. A lord? ha, ha!

Thou’lt find it a harder thing to please a mayor.

Second Play. We have a play wherein we use a horse.

Sim. Fellows, you use no horse-play in my house;

My rooms are rubb’d: keep it for hackney-men.

First Play. We’ll not offer it to your worship.

Sim. Give me a play without a beast, I charge you.

Second Play. That’s hard; without a cuckold or a drunkard?

Sim. O, those beasts are often the best men in a parish, and must not be kept out. But which is your merriest play? that I would hearken after.

Second Play. Your worship shall hear their names, and take your choice.

Sim. And that’s plain dealing. Come, begin, sir.

Second Play. The Whirligig,^[518] The Whibble, The Carwidgeon.

Sim. Hey-day! what names are these?

203Second Play. New names of late. The Wild-goose Chase.^[519]

Sim. I understand thee now.

Second Play. Gull upon Gull.

Sim. Why this is somewhat yet.

First Play. Woodcock of our side.^[520]

Sim. Get thee further off then.

Second Play. The Cheater and the Clown.

Sim. Is that come up again?

That was a play when I was ’prentice first.

Second Play. Ay, but the Cheater has learn’d more tricks of late,

And gulls the Clown with new additions.

Sim. Then is your Clown a coxcomb; which is he?

First Play. This is our Clown, sir.

Sim. Fie, fie, your company must fall upon him and beat him: he’s too fair, i’faith, to make the people laugh.

First Play. Not as he may be drest, sir.

Sim. Faith, dress him how you will, I’ll give him that gift, he will never look half scurvily enough. O, the clowns^[521] that I have seen in my time! The 204very peeping out of one of them would have made a young heir laugh, though his father lay a-dying; a man undone in law the day before (the saddest case that can be) might for his twopence^[522] have burst himself with laughing, and ended all his miseries. Here was a merry world, my masters!

Some talk of things of state, of puling stuff;

There’s nothing in a play to^[523] a clown,

If he have the grace to hit on’t;^[524] that’s the thing:

The king shews well, but he sets off the king.

But not the king of Kent, I mean not so;

The king is one, I mean, I do not know.

Second Play. Your worship speaks with safety, like a rich man;

And for your finding fault, our hopes are greater,

Neither with him the Clown, nor me the Cheater.

Sim. Away, then; shift, Clown, to thy motley crupper.

[Exeunt Players.

We’ll see them first, the king shall after supper.

Glov. I commend your worship’s wisdom in that, master mayor.

Sim. Nay, ’tis a point of justice, if it be well examined, not to offer the king worse than I’ll see myself. For a play may be dangerous: I have known a great man poisoned in a play—

Glov. What, have you, master mayor?

Sim. But to what purpose many times, I know not.

Felt. Methinks they should [not] destroy one another so.

Sim. O, no, no! he that’s poisoned is always made privy to it; that’s one good order they have among 205them.—[A shout within.] What joyful throat is that? Aminadab, what is the meaning of this cry?

Amin. The rebel is taken.

Sim. Oliver the puritan?

Amin. Oliver, puritan, and fustian-weaver altogether.

Sim. Fates, I thank you for this victorious day!

Bonfires of pease-straw burn, let the bells ring!

Glov. There’s two in mending, and you know they cannot.

Sim. Alas,^[525] the tenor’s broken! ring out the treble!

Enter Oliver, brought in by Officers.

I’m^[526] over-cloy’d with joy.—Welcome, thou rebel!

Oliv. I scorn thy welcome, I.

Sim. Art thou yet so stout?

Wilt thou not stoop for grace? then get thee out.

Oliv. I was not born to stoop but to my loom;

That seiz’d upon, my stooping days are done.

In plain terms, if thou hast any thing to say to me, send me away quickly, this is no biding-place; I understand there are players in thy house; despatch me, I charge thee, in the name of all the brethren.

Sim. Nay, now, proud rebel, I will make thee stay;

And, to thy greater torment, see a play.

Oliv. O devil! I conjure thee by Amsterdam!^[527]

206Sim. Our word is past;

Justice may wink a while, but see at last.

[Trumpet sounds to announce the commencement

of the play.

The play begins.^[528] Hold, stop him, stop him!

Oliv. O that profane trumpet! O, O!

Sim. Set him down there, I charge you, officers.

Oliv. I’ll stop my ears and hide my eyes.^[529]

Sim. Down with his golls,^[530] I charge you.

Oliv. O tyranny, tyranny! revenge it, tribulation!

For rebels there are many deaths; but sure the only way

To execute a puritan, is seeing of a play.

O, I shall swound!^[531]

Sim. Which if thou dost, to spite thee,

A player’s boy shall bring thee aqua-vitæ.^[532]

Enter First Player as First Cheater.

Oliv. O, I’ll not swound at all for’t, though I die.

Sim. Peace, here’s a rascal! list and edify.

First Play. I say still he’s an ass that cannot live by his wits.

Sim. What a bold rascal’s this! he calls us all asses at first dash: sure none of us live by our wits, unless it be Oliver the puritan.

Oliv. I scorn as much to live by my wits as the proudest of you all.

Sim. Why then you’re an ass for company; so hold your prating.

207Enter Second Player as Second Cheater.

First^[533] Play. Fellow in arms, welcome! the news, the news?

Sim. Fellow in arms, quoth he? He may well call him fellow in arms; I am sure they’re both out at the elbows.

Second Play. Be lively, my heart, be lively; the booty is at hand. He’s but a fool of a yeoman’s eldest son; he’s balanced on both sides, bully; he’s going to buy household-stuff with one pocket, and to pay rent with the other.

First Play. And if this be his last day, my chuck, he shall forfeit his lease, quoth the one pocket, and eat his meat in wooden platters, quoth the other.

Sim. Faith, then he’s not so wise as he ought to be, to let such tatterdemallions get the upper hand of him.

First Play. He comes.

Enter Third Player as Clown.

Second Play. Ay, but smally to our comfort, with both his hands in his pockets. How is it possible to pick a lock, when the key is on the inside of the door?

Sim. O neighbours, here’s the part now that carries away the play! if the clown miscarry, farewell my hopes for ever; the play’s spoiled.

Third Play. They say there is a foolish kind of thing called a cheater abroad, that will gull any yeoman’s son of his purse, and laugh in his face like an Irishman. I would fain meet with some of these creatures: I am in as good state to be gulled now as ever I was in my life, for I have two purses at this time about me, and I would fain be acquainted with that rascal that would take one of them now.

Sim. Faith, thou mayest be acquainted with two or three, that will do their good wills, I warrant thee.

208First Play. That way’s too plain, too easy, I’m afraid.

Second Play. Come, sir, your most familiar cheats take best,

They shew like natural things and least suspected.

Give me a round shilling quickly.

First Play. It will fetch but one of his hands neither, if it take.

Second Play. Thou art too covetous: let’s have one out first, prithee; there’s time enough to fetch out th’ other after. Thou liest, ’tis lawful current money.[They draw.

First Play. I say ’tis copper in some countries.

Third Play. Here is a fray towards;^[534] but I will hold my hands, let who will part them.

Second Play. Copper? I defy thee, and now I shall disprove thee. Look you, here’s an honest yeoman’s son of the country, a man of judgment—

Third Play. Pray you be covered, sir; I have eggs in my cap, and cannot put it off.

Second Play. Will you be tried by him?

First Play. I am content, sir.

Sim. They look rather as if they would be tried next sessions.

First Play. Pray give your judgment of this piece of coin, sir.

Third Play. Nay, if it be coin you strive about, let me see it; I love money.

First Play. Look on it well, sir.

[They pick his pocket.

Second Play. Let him do his worst, sir.

Third Play. You’d both need wear cut^[535] clothes, you’re so choleric.

209Second Play. Nay, rub it, and spare not, sir.

Third Play. Now by this silver, gentlemen, it is good money; would I had a hundred of them!

Second Play. We hope well, sir.—Th’ other pocket, and we are made men.

[Exeunt First and Second Players.

Sim. O neighbours, I begin to be sick of this fool, to see him thus cozened! I would make his case my own.

Third Play. Still would I meet with these things called cheaters.

Sim. A whoreson coxcomb; they have met with thee. I can no longer endure him with patience.

Third Play. O my rent! my whole year’s rent!

Sim. A murrain on you! This makes us landlords stay so long for our money.

Third Play. The cheaters have been here.

Sim. A scurvy hobby-horse, that could not leave his money with me, having such a charge about him! A pox on thee for an ass! thou play a clown! I will commit thee for offering it.—Officers, away with him!

Glov. What means your worship? why, you’ll spoil the play, sir.

Sim. Before the king of Kent shall be thus serv’d,

I’ll play the clown myself.—Away with him!

[Officers seize Third Player.

Third Play. With me? if it please your worship, ’twas my part.

Sim. But ’twas a foolish part as ever thou playedst in thy life: I’ll make thee smoke for it; I’ll teach thee to understand to play a clown; thou shalt know every man is not born to it.—Away with him quickly! He’ll have the other pocket picked else; I heard them say it with my own ears.

210Re-enter Second Player as Second Cheater.

See, he’s come in another disguise to cheat thee again.

[Exit Third Player with Officers.

Second Play. Pish, whither goes he now?

Sim. Come on, sir, let us see what your knaveship can do at me now: you must not think you have a clown in hand. The fool I have committed too, for playing the part.

[Throws off his gown, discovering his doublet

with a satin forepart, and a canvass back.

Second Play. What’s here to do?

Glov. Fie, good sir, come away: will your worship base yourself to play a clown?

Second Play. I beseech your worship let us have our own clown; I know not how to go forwards else.

Sim. Knave, play out thy part with me, or I’ll lay thee by the heels all the days of thy life.—Why, how now, my masters, who is that laughed at me? cannot a man of worship play the clown a little for his pleasure, but he must be laughed at? Do you know who I am? Is the king’s deputy of no better account among you? Was I chosen to be laughed at?—Where’s my clerk?

Amin. Here, if it please your worship.

Sim. Take a note of all those that laugh at me, that when I have done, I may commit them. Let me see who dare do it now.—And now to you once again, sir cheater: look you, here are my purse-strings; I do defy thee.

Second Play. Good sir, tempt me not; my part is so written, that I should cheat your worship if you were my father.

Sim. I should have much joy to have such a rascal to my son.

Second Play. Therefore I beseech your worship pardon me; the part has more knavery in it than 211when your worship saw it at first: I assure you you’ll be deceived in it, sir; the new additions will take any man’s purse in Kent, or Kirsendom.^[536]

Sim. If thou canst take my purse, I’ll give it thee freely:

And do thy worst, I charge thee, as thou’lt answer it.

Second Play. I shall offend your worship.

Sim. Knave, do it quickly.

Second Play. Say you so? then there’s for you, and here is for me.

[Throws meal in his face, takes his purse, and exit.

Sim. O bless me! neighbours, I am in a fog,

A cheater’s fog; I can see nobody.

Glov. Run, follow him, officers.

Sim. Away! let him go; he will have all your purses, if he come back. A pox on your new additions! they spoil all the plays that ever they come in: the old way had no such roguery in it. Call you this a merry comedy, when a man’s eyes are put out in’t? Brother Honeysuckle——

[Exit Aminadab.

Felt. What says your sweet worship?

Sim. I make you deputy, to rule the town till I can see again, which will be within these nine days at farthest. Nothing grieves me now, but that I hear Oliver the rebel laugh at me. A pox on your puritan face! this will make you in love with plays as long as you live; we shall not keep you from them now.

Oliv. In sincerity, I was never better pleased at an exercise.^[537] Ha, ha, ha!

212Sim. Neighbours, what colour was the dust the rascal threw in my face?

Glov. ’Twas meal, if it please your worship.

Sim.. Meal! I am glad of it; I’ll hang the miller for selling it.

Glov. Nay, ten to one the cheater never bought it; he stole it certainly.

Sim.. Why, then I’ll hang the cheater for stealing it, and the miller for being out of the way when he did it.

Felt. Ay, but your worship was in the fault yourself; you bid him do his worst.

Sim.. His worst? that’s true; but the rascal hath done his best; for I know not how a villain could put out a man’s eyes better, and leave them in his head, as he has done mine.

Re-enter Aminadab.

Amin. Where is my master’s worship?

Sim. How now, Aminadab? I hear thee, though I see thee not.

Amin. You are sure cozened, sir; they are all professed cheaters: they have stolen two silver spoons, and the clown took his heels with all celerity. They only take the name of country comedians to abuse simple people with a printed play or two, which they bought at Canterbury for sixpence; and what is worse, they speak but what they list of it, and fribble out the rest.

Sim.. Here’s no abuse^[538] to the commonwealth, if a man could see to look into it!

But mark the cunning of these cheating slaves,

First they make justice blind, then play the knaves.

Heng. [without] Where’s master mayor?

213Glov. Od’s precious, brother! the king of Kent is newly alighted.

Sim. The king of Kent!

Where is he? that I should live to this day,

And yet not live to see to bid him welcome!

Enter Hengist, attended.

Heng. Where is Simonides, our friendly host?

Sim. Ah, blind as one that had been fox’d^[539] a seven-night!

Heng. Why, how now, man?

Sim. Faith, practising a clown’s part for your grace,

I have practis’d both my eyes out.

Heng. What need you practise that?

Sim. A man is never too old to learn; your grace will say so, when you hear the jest of it: the truth is, my lord, I meant to have been merry, and now it is my luck to weep water and oatmeal; I shall see again at supper, I make no doubt of it.

Heng. This is strange to me, sirs.

Enter a Gentleman.

Gent. Arm, arm, my lord!

Heng. What’s that?

Gent. With swiftest speed,

If ever you’ll behold the queen, your daughter,

Alive again.

Heng. Roxena?

Gent. They are besieg’d:

Aurelius Ambrose, and his brother Uther,

With numbers infinite of British forces,

Beset their castle, and they cannot ’scape

Without your speedy succour.

214Heng. For her safety

I’ll forget food and rest; away!

Sim. I hope your worship will hear the jest ere you go.

Heng. The jest! torment me not.

Sim. I’ll follow you to Wales with a dog and a bell, but I will tell it you.

Heng. Unseasonable folly! [Exit with Attendants.

Sim. ’Tis sign of war when great men disagree.

Look to the rebel well, till I can see;

And when my sight’s^[540] recover’d, I will have

His eyes pull’d out for a fortnight.

Oliv. My eyes? hang thee!

A deadly sin or two shall pluck them out first;

That is my resolution. Ha, ha, ha! [Exeunt.