Act 2 — SCENE III.

Quomodo’s Shop.

Enter Thomasine^[1007] and Mother Gruel.

Tho. Were these fit words, think you, to be sent to any citizen’s wife,—to enjoy the daughter, and love the mother too for a need? I would foully scorn that man that should love me only for a need, I tell you. And here the knave writes again, that by the marriage of my daughter, ’a has the better means and opportunity to myself: he lies in his throat, like a villain; he has no opportunity of me for all that; ’tis for his betters to have opportunity of me, and that he shall well know. A base, proud knave! ’a has forgot how he came up and brought two of his countrymen to give their words to my husband for a suit of green kersey; ’a has forgot all this: and how does he appear to me when his white satin suit’s on, but like a maggot crept out of a nutshell—a fair body and a foul neck: those parts that are covered of him look^[1008] indifferent well, because we cannot see ’em; else, for all his cleansing, pruning, and paring, he’s not worthy a broker’s daughter; and so tell him.

Moth. G. I will indeed, forsooth.

Tho. And as for my child, I hope she’ll be ruled in time, though she be foolish yet, and not 444be carried away with a cast of manchets,^[1009] a bottle of wine, or a custard:^[1010] and so, I pray, certify him.

Moth. G. I’ll do your errand effectually.

Tho. Art thou his aunt,^[1011] or his——

Moth. G. Alas, I am a poor drudge of his!

Tho. Faith, and^[1012] thou wert his mother, he would make thee his drudge, I warrant him.

Moth. G. Marry, out upon him! sir-reverence^[1013] of your mistress-ship.

Tho. Here’s somewhat for thy pains: fare thee well.

[Giving money.

Moth. G. ’Tis more than he gave me since I came to him.

[Exit.

Enter Quomodo and Susan.

Quo. How now? what prating have we here? whispers? dumbshows? Why, Thomasine, go to: my shop is not altogether so dark^[1014] as some of my neighbours’, where a man may be made cuckold at one end, while he’s measuring with his yard at t’other.

Tho. Only commendations sent from master Lethe, your worshipful son-in-law that should be.

Quo. O, and that you like not! he that can make us rich in custom, strong in friends, happy 445in suits; bring us into all the rooms a’ Sundays, from the leads to the cellar; pop us in with venison till we crack again, and send home the rest in an honourable napkin: this man you like not, forsooth.

Sus. But I like him, father.

Quo. My blessing go with thy liking!

Sus. A number of our citizens hold our credit by’t, to come home drunk, and say, we ha’ been at court: then how much more credit is’t to be drunk there indeed!

Quo. Tut, thy mother’s a fool.—Pray, what’s master Rearage, whom you plead for so?

Tho. Why, first, he is a gentleman.

Quo. Ay, he’s often first a gentleman that’s last a beggar.

Sus. My father tells you true: what should I do with a gentleman? I know not which way to lie with him.

Quo. ’Tis true, too. Thou knowest, beside, we undo gentlemen daily.

Tho. That makes so few of ’em marry with our daughters, unless it be one green fool or other. Next, master Rearage has land and living; t’other but his walk i’ th’ street, and his snatching diet: he’s able to entertain you in a fair house of his own; t’other in some nook or corner, or place us behind the cloth,^[1015] like a company of puppets: at his house you shall be served curiously, sit down and eat your meat with leisure; there we must be glad to take it standing, and without either salt, cloth, or trencher, and say we are befriended too.

Quo. O, that gives a citizen a better appetite than his garden.

446Sus. So say I, father; methinks it does me most good when I take it standing: I know not how all women’s minds are.

Enter Falselight.

Quo. Faith, I think they are all of thy mind for that thing.—How now, Falselight?

Fal. I have descried my fellow Shortyard, alias Blastfield, at hand with the gentleman.

Quo. O my sweet Shortyard!—Daughter, get you up to your virginals.^[1016] [Exit Susan.]—By your leave, mistress Quomodo——

Tho. Why, I hope I may sit i’ th’ shop, may I not?

Quo. That you may, and welcome, sweet honey-thigh, but not at this season; there’s a buck to be struck.

Tho. Well, since I’m so expressly forbidden, I’ll watch above i’ th’ gallery, but I’ll see your knavery. [Aside, and exit.

Quo. Be you prepared as I tell you.

Fal. You ne’er feared me. [Retires.^[1017]

Quo. O that sweet, neat, comely, proper, delicate, parcel of land! like a fine gentlewoman i’ th’ waist, not so great as pretty, pretty; the trees in summer whistling, the silver waters by the banks harmoniously gliding. I should have been a scholar; an excellent place for a student; fit for my son that lately commenced at Cambridge, whom now I have placed at inns of court. Thus we that seldom get lands honestly, must leave our heirs to inherit our knavery: but, whist; one turn about my shop, and meet with ’em.

447Enter Easy and Shortyard.

Easy. Is this it, sir?

Sho. Ay; let me see; this is it; sign of Three Knaves; ’tis it.

Quo. Do you hear, sir? what lack you,^[1018] gentlemen? see good kerseys or broadcloths here; I pray come near—master Blastfield!

Sho. I thought you would know me anon.

Enter Thomasine above.

Quo. You’re exceeding welcome to town, sir: your worship must pardon me; ’tis always misty weather in our shops here; we are a nation the sun ne’er shines upon. Came this gentleman with you?

Sho. O, salute him fairly; he’s a kind gentleman, a very inward^[1019] of mine.

Quo. Then I cry you mercy, sir; you’re especially welcome.

Easy. I return you thanks, sir.

Quo. But how shall I do for you now, master Blastfield?

Sho. Why, what’s the matter?

Quo. It is my greatest affliction at this instant, I am not able to furnish you.

Sho. How, master Quomodo? pray, say not so; ’slud, you undo me then.

Quo. Upon my religion, master Blastfield, bonds lie forfeit in my hands; I expect the receipt of a thousand every hour, and cannot yet set eye of a penny.

448Sho. That’s strange, methinks.

Quo. ’Tis mine own pity that plots against me, master Blastfield; they know I have no conscience to take the forfeiture, and that makes ’em so bold with my mercy.

Easy. I am sorry for this.

Quo. Nevertheless, if I might entreat your delay but the age of three days, to express my sorrow now, I would double the sum, and supply you with four or five hundred.

Sho. Let me see; three days?

Quo. Ay, good sir, and^[1020] it may be possible.

Easy. Do you hear, master Blastfield?

Sho. Hah?

Easy. You know I’ve already invited all the gallants to sup with me to-night.

Sho. That’s true, i’faith.

Easy. ’Twill be my everlasting shame if I have no money to maintain my bounty.

Sho. I ne’er thought upon that.—I looked still when that should come from him. [Aside.]—We have strictly examined our expenses; it must not be three days, master Quomodo.

Quo. No? then I’m afraid ’twill be my grief, sir.

Easy. Master Blastfield, I’ll tell you what you may do now.

Sho. What, good sweet bedfellow?^[1021]

Easy. Send to master Gum,^[1022] or master Profit, the mercer and goldsmith.

449Sho. Mass, that was well remembered of thee.—I perceive the trout will be a little troublesome ere he be catched. [Aside.]—Boy.

Enter Boy.

Boy. Here, sir.

Sho. Run to master Gum, or master Profit, and carry my present occasion of money to ’em.

Boy. I run, sir. [Exit.

Quo. Methinks, master Blastfield, you might easily attain to the satisfaction of three days: here’s a gentleman, your friend, I dare say will see you sufficiently possessed till then.

Easy. Not I, sir, by no means: master Blastfield knows I’m further in want than himself: my hope rests all upon him; it stands upon the loss of my credit to-night, if I walk^[1023] without money.

Sho. Why, master Quomodo, what a fruitless motion have you put forth! you might well assure yourself this gentleman had it not, if I wanted it: why, our purses are brothers; we desire but equal fortunes: in a word, we’re man and wife; they can but lie together, and so do we.

Easy. As near as can be, i’faith.

Sho. And, to say truth, ’tis more for the continuing of this gentleman’s credit in town, than any incitement from mine own want only, that I covet to be so immediately furnished: you shall hear him confess as much himself.

Easy. ’Tis most certain, master Quomodo.

Re-enter Boy.

ᚩSho. O, here comes the boy now.—How now, boy? what says master Gum or master Profit?

450Boy. Sir, they’re both walked forth this frosty morning to Brainford,^[1024] to see a nurse-child.

Sho. A bastard be it! spite and shame!

Easy. Nay, never vex yourself, sweet master Blastfield.

Sho. Bewitched, I think.

Quo. Do you hear, sir? you can persuade with him?

Easy. A little, sir.

Quo. Rather than he should be altogether destitute, or be too much a vexation to himself, he shall take up a commodity^[1025] of cloth of me, tell him.

Easy. Why, la! by my troth, ’twas kindly spoken.

Quo. Two hundred pounds’ worth, upon my religion, say.

Sho. So disastrously!

Easy. Nay, master Blastfield, you do not hear what master Quomodo said since, like an honest, true citizen, i’faith; rather than you should grow diseased^[1026] upon’t, you shall take up a commodity of two hundred pounds’ worth of cloth.

Sho. The mealy moth consume it! would he ha’ me turn pedlar now? what should I do with cloth?

Quo. He’s a very wilful gentleman at this time, i’faith: he knows as well what to do with it as I 451myself, i-wis.^[1027] There’s no merchant in town but will be greedy upon’t, and pay down money upo’ th’ nail; they’ll despatch it over to Middleburgh presently, and raise double commodity by exchange: if not, you know ’tis term-time, and Michaelmas term too, the drapers’ harvest for foot-cloths,^[1028] riding-suits, walking-suits, chamber-gowns, and hall-gowns.

Easy. Nay, I’ll say that, it comes in as fit a time as can be.

Quo. Nay, take me with you^[1029] again ere you go, sir: I offer him no trash, tell him, but present money, say: where^[1030] I know some gentlemen in town ha’ been glad, and are glad at this time, to take up commodities in hawks’ hoods and brown paper.^[1031]

Easy. O horrible! are there such fools in town?

Quo. I offer him no trash, tell him; upon my religion, you may say.—Now, my sweet Shortyard; now the hungry fish begins to nibble; one end of the worm is in his mouth, i’faith. [Aside.

Tho. Why stand I here (as late our graceless dames,^[1032]

That found no eyes), to see that gentleman

Alive, in state and credit, executed,

452Help to rip up himself does all he can?

Why am I wife to him that is no man?

I suffer in that gentleman’s confusion. [Aside.

Easy. Nay, be persuaded in that, master Blastfield; ’tis ready money at the merchant’s: beside, the winter season and all falls in as pat as can be to help it.

Sho. Well, master Easy, none but you could have persuaded me to that.—Come, would you would despatch then, master Quomodo: where’s this cloth?

Quo. Full and whole within, all of this piece, of my religion, master Blastfield. Feel’t; nay, feel’t, and spare not, gentlemen, your fingers and your judgment.

Sho. Cloth’s good.

Easy. By my troth, exceeding good cloth; a good wale^[1033] ’t’as.

Quo. Falselight.

Fal. I’m ne’er out a’ the shop, sir.

Quo. Go, call in a porter presently, to carry away the cloth with the star-mark.—Whither will you please to have it carried, master Blastfield?

Sho. Faith, to master Beggarland, he’s the only merchant now; or his brother, master Stilliarddown; there’s little difference.

Quo. You’ve happened upon the money-men, sir; they and some of their brethren, I can tell you, will not stick to offer thirty thousand pound to be cursed still: great monied men, their stocks lie in the poors’ throats. But you’ll see me sufficiently discharged, master Blastfield, ere you depart?

Sho. You have always found me righteous in that.

453Quo. Falselight.

Fal. Sir?

Quo. You may bring a scrivener along with you.

Fal. I’ll remember that, sir. [Exit.

Quo. Have you sent for a citizen, master Blastfield?

Sho. No, faith, not yet.—Boy.

Easy. What must you do with a citizen, sir?

Sho. A custom they’re bound to a’ late by the default of evil debtors; no citizen must lend money without two be bound in the bond; the second man enters but for custom sake.

Easy. No? and must he needs be a citizen?

Sho. By th’ mass, stay; I’ll learn that.—Master Quomodo——

Quo. Sir?

Sho. Must the second party, that enters into bond only for fashion’s sake, needs be a citizen? what say you to this gentleman for one?

Quo. Alas, sir! you know he’s a mere stranger to me: I neither am sure of his going or abiding; he may inn here to-night, and ride away to-morrow: although I grant the chief burden lies upon you, yet we are bound to make choice of those we know, sir.

Sho. Why, he’s a gentleman of a pretty living, sir.

Quo. It may be so; yet, under both your pardons, I’d rather have a citizen.

Easy. I hope you will not disparage me so: ’tis well known I have three hundred pound a-year in Essex.

Sho. Well said; to him thyself, take him up roundly.

Easy. And how doubtfully soe’er you account 454of me, I do not think but I might make my bond pass for a hundred pound i’ th’ city.

Quo. What, alone, sir?

Easy. Alone, sir? who says so? perhaps I’d send down for a tenant or two.

Quo. Ay, that’s another case, sir.

Easy. Another case let it be then.

Quo. Nay, grow not into anger, sir.

Easy. Not take me into a bond! as good as you shall, goodman goosecap.

Quo. Well, master Blastfield, because I will not disgrace the gentleman, I’m content for once; but we must not make a practice on’t.

Easy. No, sir, now you would, you shall not.

Quo. Cuds me, I’m undone! he’s gone again. [Aside.

Sho. The net’s broke. [Aside.

Tho. Hold there, dear gentleman! [Aside.

Easy. Deny me that small courtesy! ’S foot, a very Jew will not deny it me.

Tho. Now must I catch him warily. [Aside.

Easy. A jest indeed! not take me into a bond, quo’^[1034] they.

Sho. Master Easy, mark my words: if it stood not upon the eternal loss of thy credit against supper——

Easy. Mass, that’s true.

Sho. The pawning of thy horse for his own victuals——

Easy. Right, i’faith.

Sho. And thy utter dissolution amongst gentlemen for ever——

Easy. Pox on’t!

455Sho. Quomodo should hang, rot, stink——

Quo. Sweet boy, i’faith! [Aside.

Sho. Drop, damn.

Quo. Excellent Shortyard! [Aside.

Easy. I forgot all this: what meant I to swagger before I had money in my purse?—How does master Quomodo? is the bond ready?

Quo. O sir!

Enter Dustbox.

Easy. Come, we must be friends; here’s my hand.

Quo. Give it the scrivener: here he comes.

Dust. Good day, master Quomodo; good morrow, gentlemen.

Quo. We must require a little aid from your pen, good master Dustbox.

Dust. What be the gentlemen’s names that are bound, sir?

Quo. [while Dustbox writes.] Master John Blastfield, esquire, i’ th’ wold^[1035] of Kent: and—what do they call your bedfellow’s^[1036] name?

Sho. Master Richard Easy; you may easily hit on’t.

Quo. Master Richard Easy, of Essex, gentleman, both bound to Ephestian Quomodo, citizen and draper, of London; the sum, two hundred pound.—What time do you take, master Blastfield, for the payment?

Sho. I never pass my month, you know.

Quo. I know it, sir: October sixteenth to-day; sixteenth of November, say.

Easy. Is it your custom to return so soon, sir?

Sho. I never miss you.

456Enter Falselight, disguised as a Porter, sweating.

Fal. I am come for the rest of the same price,^[1037] master Quomodo.

Quo. Star-mark; this is it: are all the rest gone?

Fal. They’re all at master Stilliarddown’s by this time.

Easy. How the poor rascal’s all in a froth!

Sho. Push,^[1038] they’re ordained to sweat for gentlemen: porters’ backs and women’s bellies bear up the world.

[Exit Falselight with the remainder of the cloth.

Easy. ’Tis true, i’faith; they bear men and money, and that’s the world.

Sho. You’ve found it, sir.

Dust. I’m ready to your hands, gentlemen.

Sho. Come, master Easy.

Easy. I beseech you, sir.

Sho. It shall be yours, I say.

Easy. Nay, pray, master Blastfield.

Sho. I will not, i’faith.

Easy. What do you mean, sir?

Sho. I should shew little bringing up, to take the way of a stranger.

Easy. By my troth, you do yourself wrong though, master Blastfield.

Sho. Not a whit, sir.

Easy. But to avoid strife, you shall have your will of me for once.

Sho. Let it be so, I pray.

Quo. [while Easy signs the bond.] Now I begin to set one foot upon the land: methinks I am 457felling of trees already: we shall have some Essex logs yet to keep Christmas with,^[1039] and that’s a comfort.

Tho. Now is he quartering out; the executioner

Strides over him: with his own blood he writes:

I am no dame that can endure such sights.

[Aside, and exit above.

Sho. So, his right wing is cut; will not fly far

Past the two city hazards, Poultry and Wood-street.^[1040] [Aside.

Easy. How like you my Roman hand, i’faith?

Dust. Exceeding well, sir, but that you rest too much upon your R, and make your ease too little.

Easy. I’ll mend that presently.

Dust. Nay, ’tis done now, past mending. [Shortyard signs the bond.]—You both deliver this to master Quomodo as your deed?

Sho. We do, sir.

Quo. I thank you, gentlemen.

Sho. Would the coin would come away now! we have deserved for’t.

Re-enter Falselight disguised as before.^[1041]

Fal. By your leave a little, gentlemen.

Sho. How now? what’s the matter? speak.

Fal. As fast as I can, sir: all the cloth’s come back again.

Quo. How?

458Sho. What’s the news?

Fal. The passage to Middleburgh is stopt, and therefore neither master Stilliarddown nor master Beggarland, nor any other merchant, will deliver present money upon’t.

Quo. Why, what hard luck have you, gentlemen!

[Exit Falselight.

Easy. Why, master Blastfield!

Sho. Pish!

Easy. You’re so discontented too presently, a man cannot tell how to speak to you.

Sho. Why, what would you say?

Easy. We must make somewhat on’t now, sir.

Sho. Ay, where? how? the best is, it lies all upon my neck.—Master Quomodo, can you help me to any money for’t? speak.

Quo. Troth, master Blastfield, since myself is so unfurnished, I know’ not the means how: there’s one i’ th’ street, a new setter up; if any lay out money upon’t, ’twill be he.

Sho. His name?

Quo. Master Idem: but you know we cannot give but greatly to your loss, because we gain and live by’t.

Sho. ’S foot, will he give any thing?

Easy. Ay, stand upon that.

Sho. Will he give any thing? the brokers will give nothing: to no purpose.

Quo. Falselight.

Re-enter Falselight above.

Fal. Over your head, sir.

Quo. Desire master Idem to come presently, and look upo’ th’ cloth.

Fal. I will, sir. [Exit above.

Sho. What if he should offer but a hundred pound?

459Easy. If he want twenty on’t, let’s take it.

Sho. Say you so?

Easy. Master Quomodo, he^[1042] will have four or five hundred pound for you of his own within three or four days.

Enter Thomasine.

Sho. ’Tis true, he said so indeed.

Easy. Is that your wife, master Quomodo?

Quo. That’s she, little Thomasine.

Easy. Under your leave, sir, I’ll shew myself a gentleman.

Quo. Do, and welcome, master Easy.

Easy. I have commission for what I do, lady, from your husband. [Kisses her.

Tho. You may have a stronger commission for the next, an’t please you, that’s from myself.

Enter Sim.

Easy. You teach me the best law, lady.

Tho. Beshrew my blood, a proper springall^[1043] and a sweet gentleman. [Aside, and exit.

Quo. My son, Sim Quomodo:—here’s more work for you, master Easy; you must salute him too,—for he’s like to be heir of thy land, I can tell thee. [Aside.

Sim. Vim, vitam, spemque salutem.

Quo. He shews you there he was a Cambridge man, sir; but now he’s a Templar: has he not good grace to make a lawyer?

Easy. A very good grace to make a lawyer.

Sho. For indeed he has no grace at all. [Aside.

Quo. Some gave me counsel to make him a divine——

460Easy. Fie, fie.

Quo. But some of our livery think it an unfit thing, that our own sons should tell us of our vices: others to make him a physician; but then, being my heir, I’m afraid he would make me away: now, a lawyer they’re all willing to, because ’tis good for our trade, and increaseth the number of cloth gowns; and indeed ’tis the fittest for a citizen’s son, for our word is, What do ye lack?^[1044] and their word is, What do you give?

Easy. Exceeding proper.

Re-enter Falselight disguised as Idem.

Quo. Master Idem, welcome.

Fal. I have seen the cloth, sir.

Quo. Very well.

Fal. I am but a young setter up; the uttermost I dare venture upon’t is threescore pound.

Sho. What?

Fal. If it be for me so, I am for it; if not, you have your cloth, and I have my money.

Easy. Nay, pray, master Blastfield, refuse not his kind offer.

Sho. A bargain then, master Idem, clap hands.—He’s finely cheated! [Aside.]—Come, let’s all to the next tavern, and see the money paid.

Easy. A match.

Quo. I follow you, gentlemen; take my son along with you. [Exeunt all but Quomodo.]—Now to my keys: I’m master Idem, he^[1045] must fetch the money. First have I caught him in a bond for two hundred pound, and my two hundred pounds’ worth a’ cloth again for threescore pound. Admire me, all you students at inns of cozenage.

[Exit.

461