Act 4 — ACT IV. SCENE I.

A Street: before the Jeweller’s House, and the Court of Law.

Enter Proditor and Phœnix.

Prod. Come hither, Phœnix.^[890]

Phœ. What makes your honour break so early?

Prod. A toy, I have a toy.^[891]

Phœ. A toy, my lord?

Prod. Before thou lay’st thy wrath upon the duke,

Be advis’d.

Phœ. Ay, ay, I warrant you, my lord.

Prod. Nay, give my words honour; hear me.

I’ll strive to bring this act into such form

And credit amongst men, they shall suppose,

Nay, verily believe, the prince, his son,

To be the plotter of his father’s murder.

379Phœ. O that were infinitely admirable!

Prod. Were’t not? it pleaseth me beyond my bliss.

Then if his son meet death as he returns,

Or by my hired instruments turn up,

The general voice will cry, O happy vengeance!

Phœ. O blessed vengeance!

Prod. Ay, I’ll turn my brain

Into a thousand uses, tire my inventions,

Make my blood sick with study, and mine eye

More hollow than my heart, but I will fashion,

Nay, I will fashion it. Canst counterfeit?

Phœ. The prince’s hand most^[892] truly, most direct;

You shall admire it.

Prod. Necessary mischief,

Next to a woman, but more close in secrets!

Thou’rt all the kindred that my breast vouchsafes.

Look into me anon: I must frame, and muse,

And fashion. [Exit.

Phœ. ’Twas time to look into thee, in whose heart

Treason grows ripe, and therefore fit to fall:

That slave first sinks whose envy threatens all.

Now is his venom at full height. [Voices within.

First Voice. [within] Lying or being in the said county, in the tenure and occupation aforesaid.

Second Voice. [within] No more then; a writ of course upon the matter of——

Third Voice. [within] Silence!

Fourth Voice. [within] O-o-o-o-yes! Carlo Turbulenzo, appear, or lose twenty mark in the suits.

Phœ. Hah, whither have my thoughts conveyed me?

I am now

Within the dizzy murmur of the law.

380First Voice. [within] So that then, the cause being found clear, upon the last citation——

Fourth Voice. [within] Carlo Turbulenzo, come into the court.

Enter Tangle and two Suitors after him.

Tan. Now, now, now, now, now, upon my knees I praise Mercury, the god of law! I have two suits at issue, two suits at issue.

First Suit. Do you hear, sir?

Tan. I will not hear; I’ve other business.

First Suit. I beseech you, my learned counsel——

Tan. Beseech not me, beseech not me; I am a mortal man, a client as you are; beseech not me.

First Suit. I would do all by your worship’s direction.

Tan. Then hang thyself.

Second Suit. Shall I take out a special supplicavit?

Tan. Mad me not, torment me not, tear me not; you’ll give me leave to hear mine own cause, mine own cause.

First Voice. [within] Nay, moreover and farther——

Tan. Well said, my lawyer, well said, well said!

First Voice. [within] All the opprobrious speeches that man could invent, all malicious invectives, called wittol^[893] to his face.

Tan. That’s I, that’s I: thank you, my learned counsel, for your good remembrance. I hope I shall overthrow him horse and foot.^[894]

First Suit. Nay but, good sir——

381Tan. No more, sir: he that brings me happy news first I’ll relieve first.

Both Suit. Sound executions rot thy cause and thee!

[Exeunt.

Tan. Ay, ay, ay, pray so still, pray so still; they’ll thrive the better.

Phœ. I wonder how this fellow keeps out madness;

What stuff his brains are made on.

Tan. I suffer, I suffer, till I hear a judgment!

Phœ. What, old signior?

Tan. Prithee, I will not know thee now; ’tis a busy time, a busy time with me.

Phœ. What, not me, signior?

Tan. O, cry thee mercy! give me thy hand—fare thee well.—Has no relief again^[895] me then; his demurs will not help him; his sursurraras^[896] will but play the knaves with him.

Enter Falso.

Phœ. The justice? ’tis he.

Fal. Have I found thee, i’faith? I thought where I should smell thee out, old Tangle.

Tan. What, old signior justicer? embrace me another time and^[897] you can possible:—how do^[898] all thy wife’s children,—well? that’s well said, i’faith.

Fal. Hear me, old Tangle.

Tan. Prithee, do not ravish me; let me go.

Fal. I must use some of thy counsel first.

Tan. Sirrah, I ha’ brought him to an exigent: hark! that’s my cause, that’s my cause yonder: I twinged him, I twinged him.

Fal. My niece is stolen away.

382Tan. Ah, get me a ne exeat regno quickly! nay, you must not stay upon’t; I’d fain have you gone.

Fal. A ne exeat regno? I’ll about it presently: adieu.

[Exit.

Phœ. You seek to catch her, justice; she’ll catch you.

Re-enter First Suitor.

First Suit. A judgment, a judgment!

Tan. What, what, what?

First Suit. Overthrown, overthrown, overthrown!

Tan. Ha?—ah, ah!——

Re-enter Second Suitor.

Second Suit. News, news, news!

Tan. The devil, the devil, the devil!

Second Suit. Twice Tangle’s overthrown, twice Tangle’s overthrown!

Tan. Hold!

Phœ. Now, old cheater of the law——

Tan. Pray, give me leave to be mad.

Phœ. Thou that hast found such sweet pleasure^[899] in the vexation of others——

Tan. May I not be mad in quiet?

Phœ. Very marrow, very manna to thee to be in law——

Tan. Very syrup of toads and preserved adders!

Phœ. Thou that hast vexed and beggared the whole parish, and made the honest churchwardens go to law with the poor’s money——

Tan. Hear me, do but hear me! I pronounce a terrible, horrible curse upon you all, and wish you to my attorney. See where a præmunire comes, a 383dedimus potestatem, and that most dreadful execution, excommunicato capiendo! There’s no bail to be taken; I shall rot in fifteen jails: make dice of my bones, and let my counsellor’s son play away his father’s money with ’em; may my bones revenge my quarrel! A capias cominus? here, here, here, here; quickly dip your quills in my blood, off with my skin, and write fourteen lines of a side. There’s an honest conscionable fellow; he takes but ten shillings of a bellows-mender: here’s another deals all with charity; you shall give him nothing, only his wife an embroidered petticoat, a gold fringe for her tail, or a border for her head. Ah, sirrah, you shall catch me no more in the springe of your knaveries! [Exit.

First Suit. Follow, follow him still; a little thing now sets him forward. [Exeunt Suitors.

Phœ. None can except against him; the man’s mad,

And privileg’d by the moon, if he say true:

Less madness ’tis to speak sin than to do.

This wretch, that lov’d before his food his strife,

This punishment falls even with his life.

His pleasure was vexation, all his bliss

The torment of another;

Their hurt^[900] his health, their starved hopes his store:

Who so loves law dies either mad or poor.

Enter Fidelio.

Fid. A miracle, a miracle!

Phœ. How now, Fidelio?

Fid. My lord, a miracle!

Phœ. What is’t?

Fid. I have found

One quiet, suffering, and unlawyer’d man;

384An opposite, a very contrary

To the old turbulent fellow.

Phœ. Why, he’s mad.

Fid. Mad? why, he is in his right wits: could he be madder than he was? if he be any way altered from what he was, ’tis for the better, my lord.

Phœ. Well, but where’s this wonder?

Fid. ’Tis coming,^[901] my lord: a man so truly a man, so indifferently a creature, using the world in his right nature but to tread upon; one that would not bruise the cowardliest enemy to man, the worm, that dares not shew his malice till we are dead: nay, my lord, you will admire his temper: see where he comes.

Enter Quieto.

I promis’d your acquaintance, sir: yon is

The gentleman I did commend for temper.

Qui. Let me embrace you simply,

That’s perfectly, and more in heart than hand:

Let affectation keep at court.

Phœ. Ay, let it.

Qui. ’Tis told me you love quiet.

Phœ. Above wealth.

Qui. I above life: I have been wild and rash,

Committed many and unnatural crimes,

Which I have since repented.

Phœ. ’Twas well spent.

Qui. I was mad, stark mad, nine years together.

Phœ. I pray, as how?

Qui. Going to law, i’faith, it made me mad.

Phœ. With the like frenzy, not an hour since,

An aged man was struck.

385Qui. Alas, I pity him!

Phœ. He’s not worth pitying, for ’twas still his gladness

To be at variance.

Qui. Yet a man’s worth pity:

My quiet blood has blest me with this gift:

I have cur’d some; and if his wits be not

Too deeply cut, I will assay to help ’em.

Phœ. Sufferance does teach you pity.

Enter Boy.

Boy. O master, master! your abominable next neighbour came into the house, being half in drink, and took away your best carpet.^[902]

Qui. Has he it?

Boy. Alas, sir!

Qui. Let him go; trouble him not: lock the door quietly after him, and have a safer care who comes in next.

Phœ. But, sir, might I advise you, in such a cause as this a man might boldly, nay, with conscience, go to law.

Qui. O, I’ll give him the table too first! Better endure a fist than a sharp sword: I had rather they should pull off my clothes than flay off my skin, and hang that on mine enemy’s hedge.

386Phœ. Why,

For such good causes was the law ordain’d.

Qui. True,

And in itself ’tis glorious and divine;

Law is the very masterpiece of heaven:

But see yonder,

There’s many clouds between the sun and us;

There’s too much cloth before we see the law.

Phœ. I’m content with that answer; be mild still:

’Tis honour to forgive those you could kill.

Qui. There do I keep.

Phœ. Reach me your hand: I love you,

And you shall know me better.

Qui. ’Tis my suit.

Phœ. The night grows deep, and——

Enter two Officers.

First Off. Come away, this way, this way.

Phœ. Who be those? stand close a little.

[As they retire, Phœnix happens to jar the ring of the Jeweller’s door; the Maid enters from the house and catches hold of him.

Maid. O, you’re come as well as e’er you came in your life! my master’s new gone to bed. Give me your knightly hand: I must lead you into the blind parlour; my mistress will be down to you presently.

[Takes in Phœnix.

First Off. I tell you our safest course will be to arrest him when he comes out a’ th’ tavern, for then he will be half drunk, and will not stand upon his weapon.

Second Off. Our safest course indeed, for he will draw.

First Off. That he will, though he put it up again, which is more of his courtesy than of our deserving.

387[Exeunt Officers.

Qui. The world is nothing but vexation,

Spite, and uncharitable action.

Fid. Did you see the gentleman?

Qui. Not I.

Fid. Where should he be? it may be he’s past by:

Good sir, let’s overtake him. [Exeunt.