Act 1 — SCENE II.
Reading edition
A Street: before Blurt’s House.
Enter Lazarillo melancholy, and Pilcher.
Laz. Boy, I am melancholy, because I burn.
Pilch. And I am melancholy, because I am a-cold.
Laz. I pine away with the desire of flesh.
Pilch. It’s neither flesh nor fish that I pine for, but for both.
236Laz. Pilcher, Cupid hath got me a stomach, and I long for laced mutton.[567]
Pilch. Plain mutton, without a lace, would serve me.
Laz. For as your tame monkey is your only best, and most only beast to your Spanish lady; or, as your tobacco is your only smoker away of rheum, and all other rheumatic diseases; or, as your Irish louse does bite most naturally fourteen weeks after the change of your saffron-seamed shirt; or, as the commodities which are sent out of the Low Countries, and put in vessels called mother Cornelius’ dry-fats[568], are most common in France; so it pleaseth the Destinies that I should thirst to drink out of a most sweet Italian vessel, being a Spaniard.
Pilch. What vessel is that, signior?
Laz. A woman, Pilcher, the moist-handed Madonna Imperia, a most rare and divine creature.
Pilch. A most rascally damned courtesan.
Laz. Boy, hast thou foraged the country for a new lodging? for I have sworn to lay my bones in this chitty[569] of Venice.
Pilch. Any man that sees us will swear that we shall both lay our bones, and nothing but bones, and[570] we stalk here longer. They tell me, signior, I must go to the constable, and he is to see you lodged.
237Laz. Inquire for that busy member of the chitty.[571]
Enter Doyt and Dandyprat, passing over the stage.
Pilch. I will; and here come a leash of informers. Save you, plump youths.
Dandy. And thee, my lean stripling.
Pilch. Which is the constable’s house?
Doyt. That at the sign of the Brown-bill.[572]
Pilch. Farewell.
Dandy. Why, and farewell? The rogue’s made of pie-crust, he’s so short.
Pilch. The officious gentleman inherits here.
Laz. Knock, or enter, and let thy voice pull him out by the ears.
[Pilcher knocks at the constable’s door.
Doyt. ’Slid, Dandyprat, this is the Spanish curtal[573] that in the last battle fled twenty miles ere he looked behind him.
Dandy. Doyt, he did the wiser: but, sirrah, this block shall be a rare threshold for us to whet our wits upon. Come, let’s about our business; and if here we find him at our return, he shall find[574] us this month in knavery. [Exit with Doyt.
Pilch. What, ho! Nobody speaks? Where dwells the constable?
Enter from the house Blurt and Slubber.
Blurt. Here dwells the constable.—Call assistance, 238give them my full charge[575] raise, if you see cause.—Now, sir, what are you, sir?
Pilch. Follower to that Spanish-leather gentleman.
Blurt. And what are you, sir, that cry out upon me?—Look to his tools.—What are you, sir? speak, what are you? I charge you, what are you?
Laz. Most clear Mirror of Magistrates,[576] I am a servitor to god Mars.
Blurt. For your serving of God I am not to meddle: why do you raise me?
Laz. I desire to have a wide room in your favour: sweet blood, cast away your name upon me; for I neither know you by your face nor by your voice.
Blurt. It may be so, sir: I have two voices in any company; one as I am master-constable, another as I am Blurt, and the third as I am Blurt master-constable.
Laz. I understand you are a mighty pillar or post in the chitty.[577]
Blurt. I am a poor post, but not to stand at every man’s door, without my bench of bill-men.[578] I am (for a better) the duke’s own image, and charge you, in his name, to obey me.
Laz. I do so.
Blurt. I am to stand, sir, in any bawdy-house, or sink of wickedness. I am the duke’s own grace, and in any fray or resurrection am to bestir my stumps as well as he. I charge you, know this staff.
Slub. Turn the arms to him.
239Blurt. Upon this may I lean, and no man say black’s mine eye.
Laz. Whosoever says you have a black eye, is a camooch.[579] Most great Blurt, I do unpent-house the roof of my carcass,[580] and touch the knee of thy office, in Spanish compliment. I desire to sojourn in your chitty.[581]
Blurt. Sir, sir, for fault of a better, I am to charge you not to keep a soldiering in our city without a precept[239.10]: besides, by my office, I am to search and examine you. Have you the duke’s hand to pass?
Laz. Signior, no; I have the general’s hand at large, and all his fingers.
Blurt. Except it be for the general good of the commonwealth, the general cannot lead you up and down our city.
Laz. I have the general’s hand to pass through the world at my pleasure.
Blurt. At your pleasure! that’s rare. Then, rowly, powly, our wives shall lie at your command. Your general has no such authority in my precinct; and therefore I charge you pass no further.
Laz. I tell thee I will pass through the world, thou little morsel of justice, and eat twenty such as thou art.
240Blurt. Sir, sir, you shall find Venice out of the world: I’ll tickle you for that.
Laz. I will pass through the world, as Alexander Magnus did, to conquer.
Blurt. As Alexander of Saint Magnus did! that’s another matter: you might have informed this at the first, and you never needed to have come to your answer. Let me see your pass: if it be not the duke’s hand, I’ll tickle you for all this: quickly, I pray; this staff is to walk in other places.
Laz. There it is.
Blurt. Slubber, read it over.
Laz. Read it yourself. What besonian[582] is that?
Blurt. This is my clerk, sir; he has been clerk to a good many bonds and bills[583] of mine. I keep him only to read, for I cannot; my office will not let me.
Pilch. Why do you put on your spectacles then?
Blurt. To see that he read right. How now, Slubber? is’t the duke’s hand? I’ll tickle him else.
Slub. Mass, ’tis not like his hand.
Blurt. Look well; the duke has a wart on the back of his hand.
Slub. Here’s none, on my word, master-constable, but a little blot.
Blurt. Blot! let’s see, let’s see. Ho, that stands for the wart; do you see the trick of that? Stay, stay; is there not a little prick in the hand? for the duke’s hand had a prick in’t, when I was with him, with opening oysters.
Slub. Yes, mass, here’s one; besides, ’tis a goodly great long hand.
Blurt. So has the duke a goodly huge hand; I have shook him by it (God forgive me!) ten 241thousand times. He must pass, like Alexander of Saint Magnus.—Well, sir,—’tis your duty to stand bare,—the duke has sent his fist to me, and I were a Jew if I should shrink for it. I obey; you must pass: but, pray, take heed with what dice you pass; I mean, what company; for Satan is most busy where he finds one like himself. Your name, sir?
Laz. Lazarillo de Tormes in Castile, cousin-german to the adelantado[584] of Spain.
Blurt. Are you so, sir? God’s blessing on your heart! Your name again, sir, if it be not too tedious for you?
Laz. Lazarillo de Tormes in Castile, cousin-german to the Spanish adelantado.
Slub. I warrant, he’s a great man in his own country.
Blurt. Has a good name: Slubber, set it down: write, Lazarus in torment at the Castle, and a cozening German at the sign of the Falantido-diddle in Spain. So, sir, you are ingrost: you must give my officer a groat; it’s nothing to me, signior.
Laz. I will cancel when it comes to a sum.
Blurt. Well, sir, well, he shall give you an item for’t.—Make a bill, and he’ll tear it, he says.
Laz. Most admirable Blurt, I am a man of war, and profess fighting.
Blurt. I charge you, in the duke’s name, keep the peace.
Laz. By your sweet favour, most dear Blurt, you charge too fast: I am a hanger-on upon Mars, and have a few crowns.
242Pilch. Two; his own and mine. [Aside.
Laz. And desire you to point out a fair lodging for me and my train.
Blurt.’Tis my office, signior, to take men up a’ nights; but, if you will, my maids shall take you up a’ mornings. Since you profess fighting, I will commit you, signior, to mine own house. But will you pitch and pay,[585] or will your worship run—
Laz. I scorn to run from the face of Thamer Cham.[586]
Blurt. Then, sir, you mean not to run?
Laz. Signior, no.
Blurt. Bear witness, Slubber, that his answer is, Signior, no: so now, if he runs upon the score, I have him straight upon Signior, no. This is my house, signior; enter.
Laz. March, excellent Blurt. Attend, Pilcher.
[Exeunt Lazarillo, Blurt, and Slubber.
Enter Doyt and Dandyprat.
Pilch. Upon your trencher, signior, most hungerly.
Doyt. Now, sirrah, where’s thy master?
Pilch. The constable has prest him.
Doyt. What, for a soldier?
Pilch. Ay, for a soldier; but ere he’ll go, I think, indeed, he and I together shall press the constable.
Dandy. No matter; squeeze him, and leave no more liquor in him than in a dried neat’s tongue. Sirrah thin-gut, what’s thy name?
Pilch. My name, you chops! why, I am of the blood of the Pilchers.
Dandy. Nay, ’s foot, if one should kill thee, he 243could not be banged for’t, for he would shed no blood; there’s none in thee. Pilcher! thou’rt a most pitiful dried one.[587]
Doyt. I wonder thy master does not slice thee, and swallow thee for an anchovies.
Pilch. He wants wine, boy, to swallow me down, for he wants money to swallow down wine. But farewell; I must dog my master.
Dandy. As long as thou dogst a Spaniard, thou’lt ne’er be fatter: but stay; our haste is as great as thine; yet, to endear ourselves into thy lean acquaintance, cry, rivo[588] hoh! laugh and be fat; and for joy that we are met, we’ll meet and be merry. Sing.
Pilch. I’ll make a shift to squeak.
Doyt. And I.
Dandy. And I, for my profession is to shift[589] as well as you: hem!
SONG.[590]
Doyt. What meat eats the Spaniard?
Pilch. Dried pitchers and poor-john.[591]
Dandy. Alas, thou art almost marr’d!
Pilch. My cheeks are fall’n and gone.
Doyt. Wouldst thou not leap at a piece of meat?
Pilch. O, how my teeth do water! I could eat:
’Fore the heavens, my flesh is almost gone
With eating of pilcher and poor-john.
[Exeunt.
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