Act 3 — SCENE IV.
Reading edition
Quomodo’s Shop.
Enter Quomodo and Boy; Thomasine watching above.
Quo. Ha! have they him, sayst thou?
Boy. As sure as——
Quo. The land’s mine: that’s sure enough, boy.
Let me advance thee, knave, and give thee a kiss:
My plot’s so firm, I dare it now to miss.
Now shall I be divulg’d a landed man
Throughout the livery: one points, another whispers,
A third frets inwardly; let him fret and hang!
Especially his envy I shall have
That would be fain, yet cannot be a knave;
Whose mind stands stiff, but his performance down.
Now come my golden days in. Whither is the worshipful master Quomodo and his fair bedfellow rid forth? To his land in Essex. Whence come[1075] those goodly load[s] of logs? From his land in Essex. Where grows this pleasant fruit, says one citizen’s wife in the row? At master Quomodo’s orchard in Essex. O, O, does it so? I thank you for that good news, i’faith.
Boy. Here they come with him, sir. [Exit.
Quo. Grant me patience in my joys, that being so great, I run not mad with ’em!
476Enter Shortyard and Falselight disguised as before, bringing in Easy.
Sho. Bless master Quomodo!
Quo. How now, sergeants? who ha’ you brought me here?—Master Easy!
Easy. Why, la you now, sergeants; did I not tell you you mistook?
Quo. Did you not hear me say, I had rather ha’ had master Blastfield, the more sufficient man a great deal?
Sho. Very true, sir; but this gentleman lighting into our hands first——
Quo. Why did you so, sir?
Sho. We thought good to make use of that opportunity, and hold him fast.
Quo. You did well in that, I must needs say, for your own securities: but ’twas not my mind, master Easy, to have you first; you must needs think so.
Easy. I dare swear that, master Quomodo.
Quo. But since you are come to me, I have no reason to refuse you; I should shew little manners in that, sir.
Easy. But I hope you spake not in that sense, sir, to impose the bond upon me?
Quo. By my troth, that’s my meaning, sir; you shall find me an honest man; you see I mean what I say. Is not the day past, the money untendered? you’d ha’ me live uprightly, master Easy?
Easy. Why, sir, you know master Blastfield is the man.
Quo. Why, sir, I know master Blastfield is the man; but is he any more than one man? Two entered into bond to me, or I’m foully cozened.
Easy. You know my entrance was but for fashion sake.
477Quo. Why, I’ll agree to you: you’ll grant ’tis the fashion likewise, when the bond’s due, to have the money paid again.
Sho. So we told him, sir, and that it lay in your worship’s courtesy to arrest which you please.
Quo. Marry, does it, sir—these fellows know the law—beside, you offered yourself into bond to me, you know, when I had no stomach to you: now beshrew your heart for your labour! I might ha’ had a good substantial citizen, that would ha’ paid the sum roundly, although I think you sufficient enough for seven hundred pound: beside the forfeiture, I would be loath to disgrace you so much before sergeants.
Easy. If you would ha’ the patience, sir, I do not think but master Blastfield is at carrier’s receive the money.
Quo. He will prove the honester man then, and you the better discharged. I wonder he should break with me; ’twas never his practice. You must not be angry with me now, though you were somewhat hot when you entered into bond; you may easily go in angrily, but you cannot come out so.
Easy. No, the devil’s in’t for that!
Sho. Do you hear, sir? a’ my troth, we pity you: ha’ you any store of crowns about you?
Easy. Faith, a poor store; yet they shall be at their service that will strive to do me good.—We were both drunk last night, and ne’er thought upon the bond. [Aside.
Sho. I must tell you this, you have fell into the hands of a most merciless devourer, the very gull a’ the city: should you offer him money, goods, or lands now, he’d rather have your body in prison, he’s a’ such a nature.
478Easy. Prison? we’re undone then!
Sho. He’s a’ such a nature, look; let him owe any man a spite, what’s his course? he will lend him money to-day, a’ purpose to ’rest him to-morrow.
Easy. Defend me!
Sho. Has at least sixteen at this instant proceeded in both the counters;[1077] some bachelors,[1078] some masters, some doctors of captivity of twenty years’ standing; and he desires nothing more than imprisonment.
Easy. Would master Blastfield would come away!
Sho. Ay, then things would not be as they are. What will you say to us, if we procure you two substantial subsidy citizens to bail you, spite on’s heart, and set you at liberty to find out master Blastfield?
Easy. Sergeant, here, take all; I’ll be dear to you, do but perform it.
Sho. Much![1079]
Fal.[1080] Enough, sweet sergeant; I hope I understand thee.
Sho. I love to prevent the malice of such a rascal; perhaps you might find master Blastfield to-night.
Easy. Why, we lie together, man; there’s the jest on’t.
Sho. Fie: and you’ll seek to secure your bail, because they will be two citizens of good account, you must do that for your credit sake.
Easy. I’ll be bound to save them harmless.
479Sho. A pox on him, you cut his throat then: no words.
Easy. What’s it you require me, master Quomodo?
Quo. You know that before this time, I hope, sir; present money, or present imprisonment.
Sho. I told you so.
Easy. We ne’er had money of you.
Quo. You had commodities, an’t please you.
Easy. Well, may I not crave so much liberty upon my word, to seek out master Blastfield?
Quo. Yes, and[1081] you would not laugh at me: we are sometimes gulls to gentlemen, I thank ’em; but gentlemen are never gulls to us, I commend ’em.
Sho. Under your leave, master Quomodo, the gentleman craves the furtherance of an hour; and it sorts well with our occasion at this time, having a little urgent business at Guildhall; at which minute we’ll return, and see what agreement is made.
Quo. Nay, take him along with you, sergeant.
Easy. I’m undone then!
Sho. He’s your prisoner; and being safe in your house at your own disposing, you cannot deny him such a request: beside, he hath a little faith in master Blastfield’s coming, sir.
Quo. Let me not be too long delayed, I charge you.
Easy.[1082] Not an hour, i’faith, sir.
[Exeunt Shortyard and Falselight.
Quo. O master Easy, of all men living I never dreamed you would ha’ done me this injury! make me wound my credit, fail in my commodities, bring[1083] 480my state into suspicion! for the breaking of your day to me has broken my day to others.
Easy. You tell me of that still which is no fault of mine, master Quomodo.
Quo. O, what’s a man but his honesty, master Easy? and that’s a fault amongst most of us all. Mark but this note; I’ll give you good counsel now. As often as you give your name to a bond, you must think you christen a child, and take the charge on’t, too; for as the one, the bigger it grows, the more cost it requires, so the other, the longer it lies, the more charges it puts you to. Only here’s the difference; a child must be broke, and a bond must not; the more you break children, the more you keep ’emunder; but the more you break bonds, the more they’ll leap in your face; and therefore, to conclude, I would never undertake to be gossip[1084] to that bond which I would not see well brought up.
Easy. Say you so, sir? I’ll think upon your counsel hereafter for’t.
Quo. Ah fool, thou shouldest ne’er ha’ tasted such wit, but that I know ’tis too late! [Aside.
Tho. The more I grieve. [Aside.
Quo. To put all this into the compass of a little hoop-ring,—
Make this account, come better days or worse,
So many bonds abroad, so many boys at nurse.
Easy. A good medicine for a short memory: but since you have entered so far, whose children are desperate debts, I pray?
Quo. Faith, they are like the offsprings of stolen lust, put to the hospital: their fathers are not to be found; they are either too far abroad, or too close within: and thus for your memory’s sake,—
481The desperate debtor hence derives his name,
One that has neither money, land, nor fame;
All that he makes prove bastards, and not bands:[1085]
But such as yours at first are born to lands.
Easy. But all that I beget hereafter I’ll soon disinherit, master Quomodo.
Quo. In the meantime, here’s a shrewd knave will disinherit you. [Aside.
Easy. Well, to put you out of all doubt, master Quomodo, I’ll not trust to your courtesy; I ha’ sent for bail.
Quo. How? you’ve cozened me there, i’faith!
Easy. Since the worst comes to the worst, I have those friends i’ th’ city, I hope, that will not suffer me to lie for seven hundred pound.
Quo. And you told me you had no friends here at all: how should a man trust you now?
Easy. That was but to try your courtesy, master Quomodo.
Quo. How unconscionably he gulls himself! [Aside.]—They must be wealthy subsidy-men, sir, at least forty pound i’ th’ king’s books, I can tell you, that do such a feat for you.
Re-enter Shortyard and Falselight, disguised as
wealthy citizens in satin suits.
Easy. Here they come, whatsoe’er they are.
Quo. Byrlady,[1086] alderman’s deputies!—I am very sorry for you, sir; I cannot refuse such men.
Sho. Are you the gentleman in distress?
Easy. None more than myself, sir.
Quo. He speaks truer than he thinks; for if he 482knew the hearts that owe[1087] those faces! A dark shop’s good for somewhat.[1088] [Aside.
Easy. That was all, sir.
Sho. And that’s enough; for by that means you have made yourself liable to the bond, as well as that Basefield.
Easy. Blastfield, sir.
Sho. O, cry you mercy; ’tis Blastfield indeed.
Easy. But, under both your worships’ favours, I know where to find him presently.
Sho. That’s all your refuge.
Re-enter Boy.
Boy. News, good news, master Easy!
Easy. What, boy?
Boy. Master Blastfield, my master, has received a thousand pound, and will be at his lodging at supper.
Easy. Happy news! Hear you that, master Quomodo?
Quo. ’Tis enough for you to hear that; you’re the fortunate man, sir.
Easy. Not now, I beseech your good worships.
Sho. Gentleman, what’s your t’other name?
Easy. Easy.
Sho. O, master Easy. I would we could rather pleasure you otherwise, master Easy; you should soon perceive it. I’ll speak a proud word: we have pitied more gentlemen in distress than any two citizens within the freedom; but to be bail to 483seven hundred pound action is a matter of shrewd weight.
Easy. I’ll be bound to secure you.
Sho. Tut, what’s your bond, sir?
Easy. Body, goods, and lands, immediately before master Quomodo.
Sho. Shall we venture once again, that have been so often undone by gentlemen?
Fal. I have no great stomach to’t; it will appear in us more pity than wisdom.
Easy. Why should you say so, sir?
Sho. I like the gentleman’s face well; he does not look as if he would deceive us.
Easy. O, not I, sir!
Sho. Come, we’ll make a desperate voyage once again; we’ll try his honesty, and take his single bond, of body, goods, and lands.
Easy. I dearly thank you, sir.
Sho. Master Quomodo——
Quo. Your worships.
Sho. We have took a course to set your prisoner free.
Quo. Your worships are good bail; you content me.
Sho. Come, then, and be a witness to a recullisance.[1089]
Quo. With all my heart, sir.
Sho. Master Easy, you must have an especial care now to find out that Blastfield.
Easy. I shall have him at my lodging, sir.
Sho. The suit will be followed against you else; master Quomodo will come upon us, and forsake you.
484Easy. I know that, sir.
Sho. Well, since I see you have such a good mind to be honest, I’ll leave some greater affairs, and sweat with you to find him myself.
Easy. Here then my misery ends:
A stranger’s kindness oft exceeds a friend’s. [Exeunt.
Tho. Thou art deceiv’d; thy misery but begins:
To beguile goodness is the core of sins.
My love is such unto thee, that I die
As often as thou drink’st up injury;
Yet have no means to warn thee from’t, for he
That sows in craft does reap in jealousy.
[Exit above.