RURAL JUSTICE
Reading edition
It occurred years ago in the mountain regions in Eastern Tennessee. Some of the natives had been gambling in a tobacco barn, and one of the neighbors, in the interest of good morals, had them up “afore the justice” for it. The squire had a lank specimen of humanity before him and was examining him.
“Now, Zeke, you tell us what you know about this here gamblin’.”
“Wot gamblin’?”
“Why, this here gamblin’ at Jamison’s barn.”
“At Jamison’s barn?”
“Yes, at Jamison’s barn. You was there. Now, what do you know about this gamblin’?”
“Gamblin’ at Jamison’s barn? Who said there was any gamblin’?”
“Was you at Jamison’s?”
“Was I?”
“Yes. Was you there?”
“Where?”
“At Jamison’s barn.”
“Ye—s. I wuz thar off an’ on ever sence it wuz built.”
“Was you there last week?”
“Wot—in the barn?”
“I don’t know. Was they a-gamblin’ there?”
“Wuz who a-gamblin’?”
“That’s what I want to know. Was anybody a-gamblin’?”
“A-gamblin’—where?”
“At Jamison’s barn. Did you see them gamblin’?”
“Did I see them gamblin’, d’ye say?”
“Yes. Was you in close proximity to them a-gamblin’?”
“Zimmity—Zimmity. See here, square, what’s this here ye’re a-givin’ me. Don’t you go to projeckin around me that a way. I’m a mountain man, I am, an’ I ain’t to be fooled with nohow.”
“I asked, Zeke, did you see anybody a-gamblin’ or not a-gamblin’?”
“Where?”
“At Jamison’s barn last week.”
“Did I see anybody a-gamblin’ last week——“
“Yes, now; that’s it.”
“Yes. I see some a-gamblin’ last week.”
“Ah! now we’re comin’ to it. Who was it you saw a-gamblin’ last week?”
“Why, don’t you know, you an’ me an’ Bill was playin’ keerds at the mill——“
“Oh—pshaw! I don’t mean that. Was anybody gamblin’ at Jamison’s?”
“Wot—at Jamison’s?”
This went on for a full hour, and it all came to one thing. Nobody knew anything about it, and after some talk a weazen-faced, dried-up old man, who had been whittling a piece of bark, said:
“Square, there ain’t been nothin’ a-proved, and this here case must be stopped. I’ll pay the costs.”
“Well,” said the magistrate, “there ain’t been nothin’ proved up, an’ if you’ll pay the costs of one sixty, I’ll call this here case a Nolly Prossy.”
And then the old man said, “All right, square. Here’s yer money fer the costs. I don’t mind about payin’ ’em seein’ as how I won the whole pot anyways.”
Let a vote be taken for the wisest man, and every fool will vote for himself.