Act 4 — SCENE II.[950]

SCENE II.^[950]

A hall in Knavesby’s house.

Enter Knavesby.

Kna. Not yet, Sib? my lord keeps thee so long, thou’rt welcome, I see then, and pays sweetly too: a good wench, Sib, thou’rt, to obey thy husband. She’s come: a hundred mark^[951] a-year, how fine and easy it comes into mine arms now!—

Enter Mistress Knavesby.

Welcome home! what says my lord, Sib?

Mis. Kna. My lord says you are a cuckold!

Kna. Ha, ha, ha, ha! I thank him for that bob, i’faith; I'll afford it him again at the same price a month hence, and let the commodity grow as scarce as it will. Cuckold, says his lordship? ha, ha! I 477shall burst my sides with laughing, that’s the worst; name not a hundred [a]-year, for then I burst.^[952] It smarts not so much as a fillip on the forehead by five parts: what has his dalliance taken from thy lips? ’tis as sweet as e’er’twas; let me try else; buss me, sugar-candy.

Mis. Kna. Forbear! you presume to a lord’s pleasure!

Kna. How’s that? not I, Sib.

Mis. Kna. Never touch me more;

I'll keep the noble stamp upon my lip,

No under baseness shall deface it now:

You taught me the way,

Now I am in, I'll keep it; I have kiss’d

Ambition, and I love it; I loathe the memory

Of every touch my lip hath tasted from thee.

Kna. Nay, but, sweet Sib, you do forget yourself.

Mis. Kna. I will forget all that I ever was,

And nourish new:^[953] sirrah, I am a lady.

Kna. Lord bless us, madam!

Mis. Kna. I've enjoy’d a lord,

That’s real possession, and daily shall,

The which all ladies have not with their lords.

Kna. But, with your patience, madam, who was it that preferred you to this ladyship?

Mis. Kna. ’Tis all I am beholding^[954] to thee for;

Thou’st brought me out of ignorance into light:

Simple as I was, I thought thee a man,

[Un]till I found the difference by a man;

Thou art a beast, a hornèd beast, an ox!

Kna. Are these ladies' terms?

Mis. Kna. For thy pander’s fee,

478It shall be laid under the candlestick;

Look for’t, I'll leave it for thee.

Kna. A little lower,

Good your ladyship, my cousin Camlet

Is in the house; let these things go no further.

Mis. Kna. ’Tis for mine own credit if I forbear, not thine, thou bugle-browed^[955] beast thou!

Enter George with rolls of paper in his hand.

Geo. Bidden, bidden, bidden, bidden: so, all these are past, but here’s as large a walk to come: if I do not get it up at the feast, I shall be leaner for bidding the guests, I'm sure.

Kna. How now? who’s this?

Geo. [reads] Doctor Glister et—what word’s this? fuxor—O, uxor—the doctor and his wife—Master Body et uxor of Bow Lane, Master Knavesby et uxor.

Kna. Ha! we are in, whatsoever the matter is.

Geo. Here’s forty couple more in this quarter; but there, the provision bringing in, that puzzles me most. [Reads] One ox,—that will hardly serve for beef too;—five muttons, ten lambs,—poor innocents, they’ll be devoured too!—three gross of capons——

Kna. Mercy upon us! what a slaughter-house is here!

Geo. [reads] Two bushels of small birds, plovers, snipes, woodcocks, partridge[s], larks;—then for baked meats——

Kna. George, George, what feast is this? ’tis not for St. George’s day?

Geo. Cry you mercy, sir; you and your wife 479are in my roll: my master invites you his guests to-morrow dinner.

Kna. Dinner, say’st thou? he means to feast a month sure.

Geo. Nay, sir, you make up but a hundred couple.

Kna. Why, what ship has brought an India home to him, that he’s so bountiful? or what friend dead—unknown to us—has so much left to him of arable land, that he means to turn to pasture thus?

Geo. Nay,’tis a vessel, sir; a good estate comes all in one bottom to him, and ’tis a question whether ever he find the bottom or no; a thousand a-year, that’s the uppermost.

Kna. A thousand a-year!

Geo. To go no further about the bush, sir, now the bird is caught, my master is to-morrow to be married, and, amongst the rest, invites you a guest at his wedding-dinner the second.

Kna. Married!

Geo. There is no other remedy for flesh and blood, that will have leave to play, whether we will or no, or wander into forbidden pastures.

Kna. Married! why, he is married, man; his wife is in my house now; thy mistress is alive, George.

Geo. She that was, it may be, sir, but dead to him; she played a little too rough with him, and he has discarded her; he’s divorced, sir.

Kna. He divorced! then is her labour saved, for she was labouring a divorce from him.

Geo. They are well parted then, sir.

Kna. But wilt thou not speak with her? i’faith, invite her to’t.

Geo. ’Tis not in my commission, I dare not. Fare you well, sir; I have much business in hand, and the time is short.

480Kna. Nay, but, George, I prithee, stay; may I report this to her for a certain truth?

Geo. Wherefore am I employed in this invitation, sir?

Kna. Prithee, what is she his second choice?

Geo. Truly, a goodly presence, likely to bear great children, and great store; she never saw five-and-thirty summers together in her life by her appearance, and comes in her French hood; by my fecks, a great match ’tis like to be: I am sorry for my old mistress, but cannot help it. Pray you, excuse me now, sir; for all the business goes through my hands, none employed but myself. [Exit.

Kna. Why, here is news that no man will believe but he that sees.

Mis. Kna. This and your cuckoldry will be digestion throughout the city-dinners and suppers for a month together; there will need no cheese.

Kna. No more of that, Sib: I'll call my cousin Camlet, and make her partaker of this sport.

Enter Mistress Water-Camlet.

She’s come already.—Cousin, take’t at once, you’re a free woman; your late husband’s to be married to-morrow.

Mis. W.-Cam. Married! to whom?

Kna. To a French hood, byrlakins,^[956] as I understand; great cheer prepared, and great guests invited; so far I know.

Mis. W.-Cam. What a cursed wretch was I to pare my nails to-day! a Friday too; I looked for some mischief.

Kna. Why, I did think this had accorded with 481your best liking; you sought for him what he has sought for you, a separation, and by divorce too.^[957]

Mis. W.-Cam. I'll divorce ’em! is he to be married to a French hood? I'll dress it the English fashion: ne’er a coach to be had with six horses to strike fire i' the streets as we go?

Kna. Will you go home then?

Mis. W.-Cam. Good cousin, help me to whet one of my knives, while I sharp the other;^[958] give me a sour apple to set my teeth a’n edge; I would give five pound for the paring of my nails again! have you e’er a bird-spit i' the house? I'll dress one dish to the wedding.

Kna. This violence hurts yourself the most.

Mis. W.-Cam. I care not who I hurt: O my heart, how it beats a' both sides! Will you run with me for a wager into Lombard Street now?

Kna. I'll walk with you, cousin, a sufficient pace; Sib shall come softly after; I'll bring you thorough Bearbinder Lane.

Mis. W.-Cam. Bearbinder Lane cannot hold me, I'll the nearest way over St. Mildred’s church: if I meet any French hoods by the way, I'll make black patches enow for the rheum.

[Exeunt. Mistress Water-Camlet and

Knavesby.

Mis. Kna. So, ’tis to my wish. Master Knavesby,

Help to make peace abroad, here you’ll find wars;

I'll have a divorce too, with locks and bars. [Exit.

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