Act 3 — SCENE III.
Reading edition
A room in Sir Oliver Kix’s house.
Enter Touchwood senior and Touchwood Junior.
Touch. jun. You’re in the happiest way t' enrich yourself,
And pleasure me, brother, as man’s feet can tread in;
For though she be lock’d up, her vow is fix’d
Only to me; then time shall never grieve me,
For by that vow e’en absent [I] enjoy her,
Assuredly confirm’d that none else shall,
Which will make tedious years seem gameful to me:
In the mean space, lose you no time, sweet brother;
You have the means to strike at this knight’s fortunes,
56And lay him level with his bankrout[91] merit;
Get but his wife[92] with child, perch at tree-top,
And shake the golden fruit into her lap;
About it before she weep herself to a dry ground,
And whine out all her goodness.
Touch. sen. Prithee, cease;
I find a too much aptness in my blood
For such a business, without provocation;
You might well spar’d this banquet of eringoes,
Artichokes, potatoes, and your butter’d crab;
They were fitter kept for your own wedding-dinner.
Touch. jun. Nay, and[93] you’ll follow my suit, and save my purse too,
Fortune doats on me: he’s in happy case
Finds such an honest friend i' the common-place.[94]
Touch. sen. Life, what makes thee so merry? thou’st no cause
That I could hear of lately since thy crosses,
Unless there be news come with new additions.
Touch. jun. Why, there thou hast it right; I look for her
This evening, brother.
Touch. sen. How’s that? look for her?
Touch. jun. I will deliver you of the wonder straight, brother:
By the firm secrecy and kind assistance
Of a good wench i' the house, who, made of pity,
Weighing the case her own, she’s led through gutters,
57Strange hidden ways, which none but love could find,
Or ha' the heart to venture: I expect her
Where you would little think.
Touch. sen. I care not where,
So she be safe, and yours.
Touch. jun. Hope tells me so;
But from your love and time my peace must grow.
Touch. sen. You know the worst then, brother. [Exit Touchwood jun.]—Now to my Kix,
The barren he and she; they’re i' the next room;
But to say which of their two humours hold[s] them
Now at this instant, I cannot say truly.
Sir Ol. [within] Thou liest, barrenness!
Touch. sen. O, is’t that time of day? give you joy of your tongue,
There’s nothing else good in you: this their life
The whole day, from eyes open to eyes shut,
Kissing or scolding, and then must be made friends;
Then rail the second part of the first fit out,
And then be pleas’d again, no man knows which way:
Fall out like giants, and fall in like children;
Their fruit can witness as much.
Enter Sir Oliver Kix and Lady Kix.
Sir Ol. ’Tis thy fault.
Lady Kix. Mine? drouth and coldness!
Sir Ol. Thine; ’tis thou art barren.
Lady Kix. I barren? O life, that I durst but speak now
In mine own justice, in mine own right! I barren?
’Twas otherwise with me when I was at court;
I was ne’er called so till I was married.
Sir Ol. I'll be divorc’d.
Lady Kix. Be hang’d! I need not wish it,
58That will come too soon to thee: I may say
Marriage and hanging go[95] by destiny,
For all the goodness I can find in’t yet.
Sir Ol. I'll give up house, and keep some fruitful whore,
Like an old bachelor, in a tradesman’s chamber;
She and her children shall have all.
Lady Kix. Where be they?
Touch. sen. Pray, cease;
When there are friendlier courses took for you,
To get and multiply within your house
At your own proper costs, in spite of censure,
Methinks an honest peace might be establish’d.
Sir Ol. What, with her? never.
Touch. sen. Sweet sir——
Sir Ol. You work all in vain.
Lady Kix. Then he doth all like thee.
Touch. sen. Let me entreat, sir——
Sir Ol. Singleness confound her!
I took her with one smock.
Lady Kix. But, indeed, you
Came not so single when you came from shipboard.
Sir Ol. Heart, she bit sore there! [Aside.]—Prithee, make us friends.
Touch. sen. Is’t come to that? the peal begins to cease. [Aside.
Sir Ol. I'll sell all at an out-cry.[96]
Lady Kix. Do thy worst, slave!—
Good, sweet sir, bring us into love again.
Touch. sen. Some would think this impossible to compass.—— [Aside.
Pray, let this storm fly over.
Sir Ol. Good sir, pardon me;
59I'm master of this house, which I'll sell presently;
I'll clap up bills this evening.
Touch. sen. Lady, friends, come!
Lady Kix. If ever ye lov’d woman, talk not on’t, sir:
What, friends with him? good faith, do you think I'm mad?
With one that’s scarce th' hinder quarter of a man?
Sir Ol. Thou art nothing of a woman.
Lady Kix. Would I were less than nothing! [Weeps.
Sir Ol. Nay, prithee, what dost mean?
Lady Kix. I cannot please you.
Sir Ol. I'faith, thou’rt a good soul; he lies that says it;
Buss, buss, pretty rogue. [Kisses her.
Lady Kix. You care not for me.
Touch. sen. Can any man tell now which way they came in?
By this light, I'll be hang’d then! [Aside.
Sir Ol. Is the drink come?
Touch. sen. Here is a little vial of almond-milk,
That stood me in some threepence. [Aside.
Sir Ol. I hope to see thee, wench, within these few years,
Circled with children, pranking up[97] a girl,
And putting jewels in her[98] little ears;
Fine sport, i’faith!
Lady Kix. Ay, had you been ought, husband,
It had been done ere this time.
Sir Ol. Had I been ought?
Hang thee, hadst thou been ought! but a cross thing
I ever found thee.
60Lady Kix. Thou’rt a grub, to say so.
Sir Ol. A pox on thee!
Touch. sen. By this light, they’re out again
At the same door, and no man can tell which way! [Aside.
Come, here’s your drink, sir.
Sir Ol. I'll not take it now, sir,
And[99] I were sure to get three boys ere midnight.
Lady Kix. Why, there thou shew’st now of what breed thou com’st
To hinder generation: O thou villain,
That knows how crookedly the world goes with us
For want of heirs, yet put[s] by all good fortune!
Sir Ol. Hang, strumpet! I will take it now in spite.
Touch. sen. Then you must ride upon’t five hours.
[Gives vial to Sir Oliver.
Sir Ol. I mean so.—
Within there!
Enter Servant.
Ser. Sir?
Sir Ol. Saddle the white mare: [Exit Servant.
I'll take a whore along, and ride to Ware.
Lady Kix. Ride to the devil!
Sir Ol. I'll plague you every way:
Look ye, do you see? ’tis gone. [Drinks.
Lady Kix. A pox go with it!
Sir Ol. Ay, curse, and spare not now.
Touch. sen. Stir up and down, sir;
You must not stand.
Sir Ol. Nay, I'm not given to standing.
Touch. sen. So much the better, sir, for the———[100]
Sir Ol. I never could stand long in one place yet;
61I learnt it of my father, ever figient.[101]
How if I cross’d this,[102] sir? [Capers.
Touch. sen. O, passing good, sir,
And would shew well a' horseback: when you come to your inn,
If you leapt over a joint-stool or two,
'Twere not amiss—although you brake your neck, sir.
[Aside.
Sir Ol. What say you to a table thus high, sir?
Touch. sen. Nothing better, sir, if’t be furnish’d with good victuals.
You remember how the bargain runs ’bout this business?
Sir Ol. Or else I had a bad head: you must receive, sir,
Four hundred pounds of me at four several payments;
One hundred pound now in hand.
Touch. sen. Right, that I have, sir.
Sir Ol. Another hundred when my wife[103] is quick;
The third when she’s brought a-bed; and the last hundred
When the child cries, for if’t should be still-born,
It doth no good, sir.
Touch. sen. All this is even still:
A little faster, sir.
Sir Ol. Not a whit, sir;
I'm in an excellent pace for any physic.
Re-enter Servant.
Ser. Your white mare’s ready.
Sir Ol. I shall up presently.— [Exit Servant.
One kiss and farewell. [Kisses her.
62Lady Kix. Thou shalt have two, love.
Sir Ol. Expect me about three.
Lady Kix. With all my heart, sweet. [Exit Sir Oliver Kix.
Touch. sen. By this light, they’ve forgot their anger since,
And are as far in again as e’er they were!
Which way the devil came they? heart, I saw ’em not!
Their ways are beyond finding out. [Aside.]—Come, sweet lady.
Lady Kix. How must I take mine, sir?
Touch. sen. Clean contrary;
Yours must be taken lying.
Lady Kix. A-bed, sir?
Touch. sen. A-bed, or where you will, for your own ease;
Your coach will serve.
Lady Kix. The physic must needs please. [Exeunt.