Act 3 — SCENE II.
Reading edition
A bed-chamber:[67] Mistress Allwit discovered in bed.
Enter Midwife with the child, Lady Kix, Maudlin, Puritans, and other Gossips.
First Gos. How is it, woman? we have brought you home
A kursen[68] soul.
45Mis. All. Ay, I thank your pains.
First Pur. And, verily, well kursen’d, i' the right way,
Without idolatry or superstition,
After the pure manner of Amsterdam.[69]
Mis. All. Sit down, good neighbours.—Nurse.
Nurse. At hand, forsooth.
Mis. All. Look they have all low stools.
Nurse. They have, forsooth.
[All the Gossips seat themselves.
Sec. Gos. Bring the child hither, nurse.—How say you now, gossip,
Is’t not a chopping girl? so like the father.
Third Gos. As if it had been spit out of his mouth!
Ey’d,[70] nos’d, and brow’d, as like [as] a girl can be,
Only, indeed, it has the mother’s mouth.
Sec. Gos. The mother’s mouth up and down, up and down.
Third Gos. ’Tis a large child, she’s but a little woman.
First Pur. No, believe me,
A very spiny[71] creature, but all heart;
Well mettled, like the faithful, to endure
Her tribulation here, and raise up seed.
Sec. Gos. She had a sore labour on’t, I warrant you;
You can tell, neighbour?
Third Gos. O, she had great speed;
We were afraid once, but she made us all
Have joyful hearts again; ’tis a good soul, i’faith;
The midwife found her a most cheerful daughter.
46First Pur. ’Tis the spirit; the sisters are all like her.
Enter Sir Walter Whorehound carrying a silver standing-cup and two spoons, and Allwit.
Sec. Gos. O, here comes the chief gossip, neighbours! [Exit Nurse.
Sir Wal. The fatness of your wishes to you all, ladies!
Third Gos. O dear, sweet gentleman, what fine words he has!
The fatness of our wishes!
Sec. Gos. Calls us all ladies!
Fourth Gos. I promise you, a fine gentleman and a courteous.
Sec. Gos. Methinks her husband shews like aclown to him.
Third Gos. I would not care what clown my husband were too,
So I had such fine children.
Sec. Gos. Sh’as all fine children, gossip.
Third Gos. Ay, and see how fast they come!
First Pur. Children are blessings,
If they be got with zeal by the brethren,
As I have five at home.
Sir Wal. The worst is past,
I hope, now, gossip.
Mis. All. So I hope too, good sir.
Allwit. Why, then, so hope I too, for company;
I've nothing to do else.
Sir Wal. A poor remembrance, lady,
To the love of the babe; I pray, accept of it.
[Giving cup and spoons.
Mis. All. O, you are at too much charge, sir!
Sec. Gos. Look, look, what has he given her? what is’t, gossip?
47Third Gos. Now, by my faith, a fair high standing-cup
And two great ’postle-spoons,[72] one of them gilt.
First Pur. Sure that was Judas then with the
red beard.[73]
Sec. Pur. I would not feed
My daughter with that spoon for all the world,
For fear of colouring her hair; red hair
The brethren like not, it consumes them much;
’Tis not the sisters' colour.
Re-enter Nurse with comfits and wine.
Allwit. Well said, nurse;
About, about with them amongst the gossips!—
[Nurse hands about the comfits.
Now out come[74] all the tassell’d handkerchers,
They’re spread abroad between their knees already;
Now in go[75] the long fingers that are wash’d
Some thrice a-day in urine; my wife uses it.
Now we shall have such pocketing: see how
They lurch at the lower end! [Aside.
First Pur. Come hither, nurse.
Allwit. Again? she has taken twice already. [Aside.
First Pur. I had forgot a sister’s child that’s sick. [Taking comfits.
Allwit. A pox! it seems your purity
Loves sweet things well that puts in thrice together.
48Had this been all my cost now, I'd been beggar’d;
These women have no consciences at sweetmeats,
Where’er they come; see and[76] they’ve not cull’d out
All the long plums too, they’ve left nothing here
But short wriggle-tail comfits, not worth mouthing:
No mar’l[77] I heard a citizen complain once
That his wife’s belly only broke his back;
Mine had been all in fitters[78] seven years since,
But for this worthy knight,
That with a prop upholds my wife and me,
And all my estate buried in Bucklersbury.[79] [Aside.
Mis. All. Here, mistress Yellowhammer, and neighbours,
To you all that have taken pains with me,
All the good wives at once!
[Drinks; after which Nurse hands round the wine.
First Pur. I'll answer for them;
They wish all health and strength, and that you may
Courageously go forward, to perform
The like and many such, like a true sister,
With motherly bearing. [Drinks.
Allwit. Now the cups troll about
To wet the gossips' whistles; it pours down, i’faith;
They never think of payment. [Aside.
First Pur. Fill again, nurse. [Drinks.
Allwit. Now bless thee, two at once! I'll stay no longer;
It would kill me, and if I paid for it.— [Aside.
49Will’t please you to walk down, and leave the women?
Sir Wal. With all my heart, Jack.
Allwit. Troth, I cannot blame you.
Sir Wal. Sit you all merry, ladies.
Gossips. Thank your worship, sir.
First Pur. Thank your worship, sir.
Allwit. A pox twice tipple ye, you’re last and lowest!
[Aside.
[Exeunt Sir Wal. Whorehound and Allwit.
First Pur. Bring hither that same cup, nurse; I would fain
Drive away this—hup—antichristian grief. [Drinks.
Third Gos. See, gossip, and[80] she lies not in like a countess;
Would I had such a husband for my daughter!
Fourth Gos. Is not she toward marriage?
Third Gos. O no, sweet gossip!
Fourth Gos. Why, she’s nineteen.
Third Gos. Ay, that she was last Lammas;
But she has a fault, gossip, a secret fault.
Fourth Gos. A fault? what is’t?
Third Gos. I'll tell you when I've drunk. [Drinks.
Fourth Gos. Wine can do that, I see, that friendship cannot. [Aside.
Third Gos. And now I'll tell you, gossip; she’s too free. [Exit Nurse.
Fourth Gos. Too free?
Third Gos. O ay, she cannot lie dry in her bed.
Fourth Gos. What, and nineteen?
Third Gos. ’Tis as I tell you, gossip.
50Re-enter Nurse, and whispers Maudlin.
Maud. Speak with me, nurse? who is’t?
Nurse. A gentleman
From Cambridge; I think it be your son, forsooth.
Maud. ’Tis my son Tim, i’faith; prithee, call him up
Among the women, ’twill embolden him well,—
[Exit Nurse.
For he wants nothing but audacity.
Would the Welsh gentlewoman at home were here now! [Aside.
Lady Kix.[81] Is your son come, forsooth?
Maud. Yes, from the university, forsooth.
Lady Kix. ’Tis great joy on ye.
Maud. There’s a great marriage
Towards[82] for him.
Lady Kix. A marriage?
Maud. Yes, sure,
A huge heir in Wales at least to nineteen mountains,
Besides her goods and cattle.[83]
Re-enter Nurse with Tim.
Tim. O, I'm betray’d! [Exit.
Maud. What, gone again?—Run after him, good nurse;
He is so bashful, that’s the spoil of youth: [Exit Nurse.
In the university they’re kept still to men,
And ne’er train’d up to women’s company.
Lady Kix. ’Tis a great spoil of youth indeed.
51Re-enter Nurse and Tim.
Nurse. Your mother will have it so.
Maud. Why, son! why, Tim!
What, must I rise and fetch you? for shame, son!
Tim. Mother, you do intreat like a fresh-woman;[84]
’Tis against the laws of the university
For any that has answer’d under bachelor
To thrust ’mongst married wives.
Maud. Come, we’ll excuse you here.
Tim. Call up my tutor, mother, and I care not.
Maud. What, is your tutor come? have you brought him up?
Tim. I ha' not brought him up, he stands at door;
Negatur, there’s logic to begin with you, mother.
Maud. Run, call the gentleman, nurse; he’s my son’s tutor.—[Exit Nurse.
Here, eat some plums. [Offers comfits.
Tim. Come I from Cambridge,
And offer me six plums?
Maud. Why, how now, Tim?
Will not your old tricks yet be left?
Tim. Serv’d like a child,
When I have answer’d under bachelor!
Maud. You’ll ne’er lin[85] till I make your tutor whip you;
You know how I serv’d you once at the free-school
In Paul’s Churchyard?
Tim. O monstrous absurdity!
Ne’er was the like in Cambridge since my time;
'Life, whip a bachelor! you’d be laugh’d at soundly;
Let not my tutor hear you, ’twould be a jest
Through the whole university. No more words, mother.
52Re-enter Nurse with Tutor.
Maud. Is this your tutor, Tim?
Tutor. Yes, surely, lady,
I am the man that brought him in league with logic,
And read the Dunces[86] to him.
Tim. That did he, mother;
But now I have ’em all in my own pate,
And can as well read ’em to others.
Tutor. That can he,
Mistress, for they flow naturally from him.
Maud. I am the more beholding[87] to your pains, sir.
Tutor. Non ideo sane.
Maud. True, he was an idiot indeed
When he went out of London, but now he’s well mended.
Did you receive the two goose-pies I sent you?
Tutor. And eat them heartily, thanks to your worship.
Maud. ’Tis my son Tim; I pray bid him welcome, gentlewomen.
Tim. Tim? hark you, Timotheus, mother, Timotheus.
Maud. How, shall I deny your name? Timotheus, quoth he!
Faith, there’s a name!—’Tis my son Tim, forsooth.
Lady Kix. You’re welcome, master Tim.
[Kisses Tim.
Tim. O this is horrible,
She wets as she kisses! [Aside.]—Your handkercher, sweet tutor,
To wipe them off as fast as they come on.
53Sec. Gos. Welcome from Cambridge. [Kisses Tim.
Tim. This is intolerable!
This woman has a villanous sweet breath,
Did she not stink of comfits. [Aside.]—Help me, sweet tutor,
Or I shall rub my lips off!
Tutor. I'll go kiss
The lower end the whilst.
Tim. Perhaps that’s the sweeter,
And we shall despatch the sooner.
First Pur. Let me come next:
Welcome from the wellspring of discipline,
That waters all the brethren.
[Attempts to kiss Tim, but reels and falls.
Tim. Hoist, I beseech thee!
Third Gos. O bless the woman!—Mistress Underman——
[They raise her up.
First Pur. ’Tis but the common affliction of the faithful;
We must embrace our falls.
Tim. I'm glad I ’scap’d it;
It was some rotten kiss sure, it dropt down
Before it came at me.
Re-enter Allwit with Davy.
Allwit. Here is a noise! not parted yet? hoida,
A looking-glass!—They’ve drunk so hard in plate,
That some of them had need of other vessels.—
[Aside.
Yonder’s the bravest shew!
Gossips. Where, where, sir?
Allwit. Come along presently by the Pissing-conduit,[88]
With two brave drums and a standard-bearer.
54Gossips. O brave!
Tim. Come, tutor. [Exit with Tutor.
Gossips. Farewell, sweet gossip!
Mis. All. I thank you all for your pains.
First Pur. Feed and grow strong.
[Exeunt Lady Kix, Maud., and all the Gossips.
Allwit. You had more need to sleep than eat;
Go take a nap with some of the brethren, go,
And rise up a well-edified, boldified sister.
O, here’s a day of toil well pass’d over,
Able to make a citizen hare-mad!
How hot they’ve made the room with their thick bums!
Dost not feel it, Davy?
Davy. Monstrous strong, sir.
Allwit. What’s here under the stools?
Davy. Nothing but wet, sir;
Some wine spilt here belike.
Allwit. Is’t no worse, think’st thou?
Fair needlework stools cost nothing with them, Davy.
Davy. Nor you neither, i’faith. [Aside.
Allwit. Look how they have laid them,
E'en as they lie themselves, with their heels up!
How they have shuffled up the rushes[89] too, Davy,
With their short figging little shittle-cork[90] heels!
These women can let nothing stand as they find it.
But what’s the secret thou’st about to tell me,
My honest Davy?
Davy. If you should disclose it, sir——
Allwit. ’Life, rip my belly up to the throat then, Davy!
55Davy. My master’s upon marriage.
Allwit. Marriage, Davy?
Send me to hanging rather.
Davy. I have stung him! [Aside.
Allwit. When, where? what is she, Davy?
Davy. Even the same was gossip, and gave the spoon.
Allwit. I have no time to stay, nor scarce can speak:
I'll stop those wheels, or all the work will break.[Exit.
Davy. I knew ’twould prick. Thus do I fashion still
All mine own ends by him and his rank toil:
’Tis my desire to keep him still from marriage;
Being his poor nearest kinsman, I may fare
The better at his death; there my hopes build,
Since my lady Kix is dry, and hath no child. [Exit.