Act 3 — SCENE III.
Reading edition
A room in Fabricio’s house.
Enter on one side Guardiano and Isabella, on the other the Ward and Sordido.
Guar. Now, nephew, here’s the gentlewoman again.
Ward. Mass, here she’s come again! mark her now, Sordido.
Guar. This is the maid my love and care have[1077] chose
Out for your wife, and so I tender her to you;
Yourself has been eye-witness of some qualities
That speak a courtly breeding, and are costly:
I bring you both to talk together now;
’Tis time you grew familiar in your tongues,
To-morrow you join hands, and one ring ties you,
And one bed holds you; if you like the choice,
Her father and her friends are i' the next room,
And stay to see the contract ere they part:
Therefore, despatch, good Ward, be sweet and short;
Like her, or like her not, there’s but two ways,
And one your body, th' other your purse pays.
Ward. I warrant you, guardianer, I'll not stand all day thrumming,
But quickly shoot my bolt at your next coming.
Guar. Well said: good fortune to your birding then!
[Exit.
Ward. I never miss’d mark yet.
Sor. Troth, I think, master, if the truth were known,
You never shot at any but the kitchen-wench,
That was oft lost and cried[1080] at eight-and-twenty.
Ward. No more of that meat, Sordido, here’s eggs o' the spit now;
We must turn gingerly: draw out the catalogue
Of all the faults of women.
Sor. How? all the faults? have you so little reason to think so much paper will lie in my breeches? why, ten carts will not carry it, if you set down but the bawds. All the faults? pray, let’s be content with a few of ’em; and if they were less, you would find ’em enough, I warrant you: look you, sir.
Isa. But that I have th' advantage of the fool,
As much as woman’s heart can wish and joy at,
What an infernal torment ’twere to be
Thus bought and sold, and turn’d and pry’d into,
When, alas,
The worst bit’s too good for him! and the comfort is,
Has but a cater’s[1081] place on’t, and provides
All for another’s table: yet how curious
The ass is! like some nice professor on’t,
That buys up all the daintiest food i' the markets,
And seldom licks his lips after a taste on’t. [Aside.
Sor. Now to her, now you’ve scann’d all her parts over.
Ward. But at [which] end shall I begin now, Sordido?
Sor. O, ever at a woman’s lip, while you live, sir: do you ask that question?
Ward. Methinks, Sordido, sh’as but a crabbed face to begin with.
Sor. A crabbed face? that will save money.
596Ward. How? save money, Sordido?
Sor. Ay, sir; for, having a crabbed face of her own, she’ll eat the less verjuice with her mutton; 'twill save verjuice at year’s end, sir.
Ward. Nay, and[1082] your jests begin to be saucy once, I'll make you eat your meat without mustard.
Sor. And that in some kind is a punishment.
Ward. Gentlewoman, they say ’tis your pleasure to be my wife, and you shall know shortly whether it be mine or no to be your husband; and thereupon thus I first enter upon you. [Kisses her.]—O most delicious scent! methinks it tasted as if a man had stept into a comfit-maker’s shop to let a cart go by, all the while I kissed her.—It is reported, gentlewoman, you’ll run mad for me, if you have me not.
Isa. I should be in great danger of my wits, sir,
For being so forward.—Should this ass kick backward now!
[Aside.
Ward. Alas, poor soul! and is that hair your own?
Isa. Mine own? yes, sure, sir; I owe nothing for’t.
Ward. ’Tis a good hearing; I shall have the less to pay when I have married you.—Look, do[1083] her eyes stand well?
Sor. They cannot stand better than in her head, I think; where would you have them? and for her nose, ’tis of a very good last.
Ward. I have known as good as that has not lasted a year though.
Sor. That’s in the using of a thing; will not any strong bridge fall down in time, if we do nothing but beat at the bottom? a nose of buff would not last always, sir, especially if it came into the camp once.
597Ward. But, Sordido, how shall we do to make her laugh, that I may see what teeth she has? for I'll not bate her a tooth, nor take a black one into the bargain.
Sor. Why, do but you fall in talk with her, you cannot choose but, one time or other, make her laugh, sir.
Ward. It shall go hard but I will.—Pray, what qualities have you beside singing and dancing? can you play at shittlecock, forsooth?
Isa. Ay, and at stool-ball[1084] too, sir; I've great luck at it.
Ward. Why, can you catch a ball well?
Isa. I have catch’d two in my lap at one game.
Ward. What! have you, woman? I must have you learn
To play at trap too, then you’re full and whole.
Isa. Any thing that you please to bring me up to,
I shall take pains to practise.
Ward. ’Twill not do, Sordido;
We shall ne’er get her mouth open’d wide enough.
Sor. No, sir? that’s strange: then here’s a trick for your learning.
[Sordido yawns, Isabella yawns also, but covers her mouth with a handkerchief.
Look now, look now! quick, quick there!
Ward. Pox of that scurvy mannerly trick with handkerchief!
It hinder’d me a little, but I'm satisfied:
When a fair woman gapes, and stops her mouth so,
It shews like a cloth-stopple in a cream-pot:
I have fair hope of her teeth now, Sordido.
598Sor. Why, then, you’ve all well, sir; for aught I see,
She’s right and straight enough now as she stands;
They’ll commonly lie crooked, that’s no matter;
Wise gamesters
Never find fault with that, let ’em lie still so.
Ward. I'd fain mark how she goes, and then I have all; for of all creatures I cannot abide a splay-footed woman; she’s an unlucky thing to meet in a morning; her heels keep together so, as if she were beginning an Irish dance still, and [t]he wriggling of her bum playing the tune to’t: but I have bethought a cleanly shift to find it; dab down as you see me, and peep of one side when her back’s toward you—I'll shew you the way.
Sor. And you shall find me apt enough to peeping;
I have been one of them has seen mad sights
Under your scaffolds.
Ward. Will’t please you walk, forsooth,
A turn or two by yourself? you’re so pleasing to me,
I take delight to view you on both sides.
Isa. I shall be glad to fetch a walk to your love, sir;
'Twill get affection a good stomach, sir,—
Which I had need have to fall to such coarse victuals. [Aside.
[Isabella walks while the Ward and Sordido
stoop down to look at her.
Ward. Now go thy ways for a clean-treading wench,
As ever man in modesty peep’d under!
Sor. I see the sweetest sight to please my master!
Never went Frenchman righter upon ropes,
Than she on Florentine rushes.[1085]
599Ward. ’Tis enough, forsooth.
Isa. And how do you like me now, sir?
Ward. Faith, so well,
I never mean to part with thee, sweetheart,
Under some sixteen children, and all boys.
Isa. You’ll be at simple pains, if you prove kind,
And breed ’em all in your teeth.[1086]
Ward. Nay, by my faith,
What serves your belly for? ’twould make my cheeks
Look like blown bagpipes.
Re-enter Guardiano.
Guar. How now, ward and nephew,
Gentlewoman and niece! speak, is it so or not?
Ward. ’Tis so; we’re both agreed, sir.
Guar. In to your kindred then;
There’s friends, and wine, and music wait[1087] to welcome you.
Ward. Then I'll be drunk for joy.
Sor. And I for company;
I cannot break my nose in a better action. [Exeunt.