ACT II. SCENE I.

A Street.

Enter Touchwood senior and Mistress Touchwood.

Mis. Touch. ’Twill be so tedious, sir, to live from you,

But that necessity must be obey’d.

Touch. sen. I would it might not, wife! the tediousness

21Will be the most part mine, that understand

The blessings I have in thee; so to part,

That drives the torment to a knowing heart.

But, as thou sayst, we must give way to need,

And live awhile asunder; our desires

Are both too fruitful for our barren fortunes.

How adverse runs the destiny of some creatures!

Some only can get riches and no children;

We only can get children and no riches:

Then ’tis the prudent’s[t] part to check our will,^[32]

And, till our state rise, make our bloods lie still.

'Life, every year a child, and some years two!

Besides drinkings abroad, that’s never reckon’d;

This gear^[33] will not hold out.

Mis. Touch. Sir, for a time

I'll take the courtesy of my uncle’s house,

If you be pleas’d to like on’t, till prosperity

Look with a friendly eye upon our states.

Touch. sen. Honest wife, I thank thee! I never knew

The perfect treasure thou brought’st with thee more

Than at this instant minute: a man’s happy

When he’s at poorest, that has match’d his soul

As rightly as his body: had I married

A sensual fool now, as ’tis hard to ’scape it

'Mongst gentlewomen of our time, she would ha' hang’d

About my neck, and never left her hold

Till she had kiss’d me into wanton businesses,

Which at the waking of my better judgment

I should have curs’d most bitterly,

And laid a thicker vengeance on my act

Than misery of the birth; which were enough

22If it were born to greatness, whereas mine

Is sure of beggary, though ’t were got in wine.

Fulness of joy sheweth the goodness in thee;

Thou art a matchless wife: farewell, my joy!

Mis. Touch. I shall not want your sight?

Touch. sen. I'll see thee often,

Talk in mirth, and play at kisses with thee;

Any thing, wench, but what may beget beggars:

There I give o’er the set, throw down the cards,

And dare not take them up.

Mis. Touch. Your will be mine, sir! [Exit.

Touch. sen. This does not only make her honesty perfect,

But her discretion, and approves her judgment.

Had her desire[s] been wanton, they’d been blameless,

In being lawful ever; but of all creatures,

I hold that wife a most unmatchèd treasure,

That can unto her fortunes fix her pleasure,

And not unto her blood: this is like wedlock;

The feast of marriage is not lust, but love,

And care of the estate. When I please blood,

Merrily I sing and suck out others' then:

’Tis many a wise man’s fault: but of all men

I am the most unfortunate in that game

That ever pleas’d both genders; I ne’er play’d yet

Under a bastard; the poor wenches curse me

To the pit where’er I come; they were ne’er serv’d so,

But us’d to have more words than one to a bargain:

I've such a fatal finger in such business,

I must forth with’t; chiefly for country wenches,

For every harvest I shall hinder hay-making;

I had no less than seven lay in last progress,^[34]

Within three weeks of one another’s time.

23Enter a Country Girl with a child.

C. Girl. O snaphance,^[35] have I found you?

Touch. sen. How snaphance?

C. Girl. Do you see your workmanship? nay, turn not from’t,

Nor offer to escape; for if you do,

I'll cry it through the streets, and follow you.

Your name may well be call’d Touchwood,—a pox on you!

You do but touch and take; thou hast undone me:

I was a maid before, I can bring a certificate

For it from both the churchwardens.

Touch. sen. I'll have

The parson’s hand too, or I'll not yield to’t.

C. Girl. Thou shalt have more, thou villain! Nothing grieves me

But Ellen my poor cousin in Derbyshire;

Thou’st crack’d her marriage quite; she’ll have a bout with thee.

Touch. sen. Faith, when she will, I'll have a bout with her.

C. Girl. A law-bout, sir, I mean.

Touch. sen. True, lawyers use

Such bouts as other men do; and if that

Be all thy grief, I'll tender her a husband;

I keep of purpose two or three gulls in pickle

To eat such mutton^[36] with, and she shall choose one.

Do but in courtesy, faith, wench, excuse me

Of this half yard of flesh, in which, I think,

It wants a nail or two.

24C. Girl. No; thou shalt find, villain,

It hath right shape, and all the nails it should have.

Touch. sen. Faith, I am poor; do a charitable deed, wench;

I am a younger brother, and have nothing.

C. Girl. Nothing? thou hast too much, thou lying villain,

Unless thou wert more thankful!

Touch. sen. I've no dwelling;

I brake up house but this morning; pray thee, pity me;

I'm a good fellow, faith; have been too kind

To people of your gender; if I ha’t

Without my belly, none of your sex shall want it:

That word has been of force to move a woman.

There’s tricks enough to rid thy hand on’t, wench;

Some rich man’s porch, to-morrow before day,

Or else anon i' the evening; twenty devices.

Here’s all I have, i’faith; take purse and all,

And would I were rid of all the ware i' the shop so!

[Gives money.

C. Girl. Where I find manly dealings, I am pitiful:

This shall not trouble you.

Touch. sen. And I protest, wench,

The next I'll keep myself.

C. Girl. Soft, let it be got first.

This is the fifth; if e’er I venture more,

Where I now go for a maid, may I ride for a whore!

[Exit.

Touch. sen. What shift she’ll make now with this piece of flesh

In this strict time of Lent, I cannot imagine;

Flesh dare not peep abroad now: I have known

This city now above this seven years,

But, I protest, in better state of government

I never knew it yet, nor ever heard of;

25There have^[37] been more religious wholesome laws

In the half-circle of a year erected

For common good than memory e’er knew of,

Setting apart corruption of promoters,^[38]

And other poisonous officers, that infect

And with a venomous breath taint every goodness.

Enter Sir Oliver Kix and Lady Kix.

Lady Kix. O that e’er I was begot, or bred, or born!

Sir Ol. Be content, sweet wife.

Touch. sen. What’s here to do now?

I hold my life she’s in deep passion^[39]

For the imprisonment of veal and mutton,

Now kept in garrets; weeps for some calf’s head now:

Methinks her husband’s head might serve, with bacon.

[Aside.

Enter Touchwood junior.

Touch. jun.^[40] Hist!

Sir Ol. Patience, sweet wife.

Touch. jun. Brother, I've sought you strangely.

Touch. sen. Why, what’s the business?

Touch. jun. With all speed thou canst

Procure a license for me.

Touch. sen. How, a license?

Touch. jun. Cud’s foot, she’s lost else! I shall miss her ever.

Touch. sen. Nay, sure thou shalt not miss so fair a mark

For thirteen shillings fourpence.^[41]

26Touch. jun. Thanks by hundreds!

[Exeunt Touchwood senior and junior.

Sir Ol. Nay, pray thee, cease; I'll be at more cost yet,

Thou know’st we’re rich enough.

Lady Kix. All but in blessings,

And there the beggar goes beyond us: O-o-o!

To be seven years a wife, and not a child!

O, not a child!

Sir Ol. Sweet wife, have patience.

Lady Kix. Can any woman have a greater cut?

Sir Ol. I know ’tis great, but what of that, [sweet] wife?

I cannot do withal;^[42] there’s things making,

By thine own doctor’s advice, at pothecary’s:

I spare for nothing, wife; no, if the price

Were forty marks a spoonful, I would give

A thousand pound to purchase fruitfulness:

It is but bating so many good works

In the erecting of bridewells and spittlehouses,

And so fetch it up again; for having none,

I mean to make good deeds my children.

Lady Kix. Give me but those good deeds, and

I'll find children.

Sir Ol. Hang thee, thou’st had too many!

Lady Kix. Thou liest, brevity!

Sir Ol. O horrible! dar’st thou call me brevity?

Dar’st thou be so short with me?

Lady Kix. Thou deserv’st worse:

Think but upon the goodly lands and livings

That’s kept back through want on’t.

Sir Ol. Talk not on’t, pray thee;

Thou’ltThou’lt make me play the woman and weep too.

27Lady Kix. ’Tis our dry barrenness puffs up sir Walter;

None gets by your not getting but that knight;

He’s made by th' means, and fats his fortunes shortly

In a great dowry with a goldsmith’s daughter.

Sir Ol. They may be all deceiv’d; be but you patient, wife.

Lady Kix. I've suffer’d a long time.

Sir Ol. Suffer thy heart out;

A pox suffer thee!

Lady Kix. Nay, thee, thou desertless slave!

Sir Ol. Come, come, I ha' done: you’ll to the gossiping

Of master Allwit’s child?

Lady Kix. Yes, to my much joy!

Every one gets before me; there’s my sister

Was married but at Bartholomew-eve last,

And she can have two children at a birth:

O, one of them, one of them, would ha' serv’d my turn!

Sir Ol. Sorrow consume thee! thou’rt still crossing me,

And know’st my nature.

Enter Maid.

Maid. O mistress!—weeping or railing,

That’s our house-harmony. [Aside.

Lady Kix. What sayst, Jug?

Maid. The sweetest news!

Lady Kix. What is’t, wench?

Maid. Throw down your doctor’s drugs,

They’re all but heretics; I bring certain remedy,

That has been taught and prov’d, and never fail’d.

Sir Ol. O that, that, that, or nothing!

Maid. There’s a gentleman,

28I haply have his name too, that has got

Nine children by one water that he useth:

It never misses; they come so fast upon him,

He was fain to give it over.

Lady Kix. His name, sweet Jug?

Maid. One master Touchwood, a fine gentleman,

But run behind-hand much with getting children.

Sir Ol. Is’t possible!

Maid. Why, sir, he’ll undertake,

Using that water, within fifteen year,

For all your wealth, to make you a poor man,

You shall so swarm with children.

Sir Ol. I'll venture that, i’faith.

Lady Kix. That shall you, husband.

Maid. But I must tell you first, he’s very dear.

Sir Ol. No matter, what serves wealth for?

Lady Kix. True, sweet husband;

There’s land to come; put case his water stands me

In some five hundred pound a pint,

'Twill fetch a thousand, and a kersten^[43] soul,

And that’s worth all, sweet husband: I'll about it.^[44]

[Exeunt.