Part 2 / Act 4 — SCENE IV.
Reading edition
A Street: a noise of “hem” within.[809]
Enter Captain Albo, Meg, and Priss.
Meg. Hark of these hard-hearted bloodhounds! these butchers are e’en as merciless as their dogs; they knock down a woman’s fame e’en as it walks the streets by 'em.
Priss. And the captain here that should defend us walks by like John of the apple-loft.
Cap. Albo. What for interjections, Priss, hem, evax, vah?[810] let the carnifexes[811] scour their throats! thou knowest there is a curse hangs over their bloody heads; this year there shall be more butchers’ pricks burnt than of all trades besides.
Meg. I do wonder how thou camest to be a captain.
Cap. Albo. As thou camest to be a bawd, Meg, and Priss to be a whore; every one by their deserts.
Meg. Bawd and whore? out, you unprofitable 524rascal! hast not thou been at the new play yet, to teach thee better manners? truly they say they are the finest players, and good speakers of gentlewomen of our quality; bawd and whore are[812] not mentioned amongst 'em, but the handsomest narrow-mouthed names they have for us, that some of them may serve as well for a lady as for one of our occupation.
Priss. Prithee, patroness, let’s go see a piece of that play; if we shall have good words for our money, ’tis as much as we can deserve, i’faith.
Meg. I doubt ’tis too late now; but another time, servant.
Cap. Albo. Let’s go now, sweet face; I am acquainted with one of the pantomimics; the bulchins[813] will use the Irish captain with respect, and you two shall be boxed amongst the better sort.
Priss. Sirrah captain Albo, I doubt you are but white-livered; look that you defend us valiantly, you know your penance else.—Patroness, you remember how you used him once?
Meg. Ay, servant, and I shall never forget it till I use him so again.—Do you remember, captain?
Cap. Albo. Mum, Meg; I will not hear on’t now.
Meg. How I and my Amazons stript you as naked as an Indian——
Cap. Albo. Why, Meg——
Meg. And then how I bound you to the good behaviour in the open fields——
Priss. And then you strowed oats upon his hoppers——
Cap. Albo. Prithee, sweet face——
525Priss. And then brought your ducks to nibble upon him.—You remember?
Cap. Albo. O, the remembrance tortures me again! no more, good sweet face.
Meg. Well, lead on, sir; but hark a little.
Enter Chough and Trimtram.
Chough. Didst thou bargain for the bladders with the butcher, Trim?
Trim. Ay, sir, I have 'em here; I’ll practise to swim too, sir, and then I may roar with the water at London Bridge: he that roars by land and by water both is the perfect roarer.
Chough. Well, I’ll venture to swim too: if my father-in-law gives me a good dowry with his daughter, I shall hold up my head well enough.
Trim. Peace, sir; here’s practice for our roaring, here’s a centaur and two hippocrenes.
Chough. Offer the jostle, Trim.
[Trimtram jostles Captain Albo.
Cap. Albo. Ha! what meanest thou by that?
Trim. I mean to confront thee, cyclops.
Chough. I’ll tell thee what 'a means—is this thy sister?
Cap. Albo. How then, sir?
Chough. Why, then, I say she is a bronstrops; and this is a fucus.[814]
Priss. No, indeed, sir; we are both fucusses.
Cap. Albo. Art thou military? art thou a soldier?
Chough. A soldier? no, I scorn to be so poor; I am a roarer.
Cap. Albo. A roarer?
Trim. Ay, sir, two roarers.
526Cap. Albo. Know, then, my fresh-water friends, that I am a captain.
Chough. What, and have but two to serve under you?
Cap. Albo. I am now retiring the field.
Trim. You may see that by his bag and baggage.
Chough. Deliver up thy panagron to me.
Trim. And give me thy sindicus.
Cap. Albo. Deliver?
Meg. I pray you, captain, be contented; the gentlemen seem to give us very good words.
Chough. Good words? ay, if you could understand 'em; the words cost twenty pound.
Meg. What is your pleasure, gentlemen?
Chough. I would enucleate my fructifer.
Priss. What says he, patroness?
Meg. He would enoculate: I understand the gentleman very pithily.
Cap. Albo. Speak, are you gentle or plebeian? can you give arms?
Chough. Arms? ay, sir; you shall feel our arms presently.
Trim. ’Sault you the women; I’ll pepper him till he stinks again: I perceive what countryman he is; let me alone with him.
Cap. Albo. Darest thou charge a captain?
Trim. Yes, and discharge upon him too.
Cap. Albo. Foh, ’tis poison to my country, the slave has eaten pippins! O, shoot no more! turn both thy broadsides rather than thy poop; ’tis foul play; my country breeds no poison.[815] I yield; the great O Toole[816] shall yield on these conditions.
527Chough. I have given one of 'em a fair fall, Trim.
Trim. Then thus far we bring home conquest.—
Follow me, captain; the cyclops doth command.
Chough. Follow me, tweaks,[817] the centaur doth command.
Meg. Any thing, sweet gentlemen: will’t please you to lead to the tavern, where we’ll make all friends?
Trim. Why, now you come to the conclusion.
Chough. Stay, Trim; I have heard your tweaks are like your mermaids, they have sweet voices to 528entice the passengers: let’s have a song, and then we’ll set 'em at liberty.
Trim. In the commendation of roaring, not else, sir.
Chough. Ay, in the commendation of roaring.
Meg. The best we can, gentlemen.
[Sings, Priss joining in chorus.
Then here thou shalt resign
Both captain and commander;
That name was never thine,
But apple-squire[818] and pander;
And henceforth will me grant,
In pillage or in monies,
In clothing or provant,[819]
Whate’er we get by conies:
With a hone, a hone, a hone,
No cheaters nor decoys
Shall have a share, but alone
The bravest roaring boys.
Whate’er we get by gulls
Of country or of city,
Old fat-caps[820] or young heirs,
Or lawyers’ clerks so witty;
By sailors newly landed,
To put in for fresh waters;
By wandering gander-mooners,[821]
Or muffled late night-walkers.
With a hone, &c.
529Whate’er we get by strangers,
The Scotch, the Dutch, or Irish,
Or, to come nearer home,
By masters of the parish;
It is concluded thus,
By all and every wench,
To take of all their coins,
And pay 'em back in French.
With a hone, &c.
Chough. Melodious minotaur!
Trim. Harmonious hippocrene!
Chough. Sweet-breasted[822] bronstrops!
Trim. Most tunable tweak!
Chough. Delicious duplar!
Trim. Putrefactious panagron!
Chough. Calumnious calicut!
Trim. And most singular sindicus!
Meg. We shall never be able to deserve these good words at your hands, gentlemen.
Cap. Albo. Shake golls[823] with the captain; he shall be thy valiant friend.
Chough. Not yet, captain; we must make an end of our roaring first.
Trim. We’ll serve 'em as we did the tobacco-man, lay a curse upon 'em; marry, we’ll lay it on gently, because they have used us so kindly, and then we’ll shake golls[823] together.
Priss. As gently as you can, sweet gentlemen.
Chough. For thee, O pander, mayst thou trudge till the damned soles of thy boots fleet into dirt, but never rise into air!
Trim. Next, mayst thou fleet so long from place to place, till thou be’st kicked out of Fleet Street!
530Chough. As thou hast lived by bad flesh, so rotten mutton be thy bane!
Trim. When thou art dead, may twenty whores follow thee, that thou may st go a squire[824] to thy grave!
Cap. Albo. Enough for me, sweet faces; let me sleep in my grave.
Chough. For thee, old sindicus, may I see thee[825] ride in a caroch with two wheels, and drawn with one horse!
Trim. Ten beadles running by, instead of footmen!
Chough. With every one a whip, ’stead of an Irish dart![826]
Trim. Forty barbers’ basins[827] sounding before, instead of trumpets!
Meg. This will be comely indeed, sweet gentlemen roarers.
Trim. Thy ruff starched yellow[828] with rotten eggs!
Chough. And mayst thou then be drawn from Holborn to Hounslow Heath!
531Trim. And then be burnt to Colebrook, for destroying of Maidenhead!
Meg. I will study to deserve this kindness at your hands, gentlemen.
Chough. Now for thee, little fucus; mayst thou first serve out thy time as a tweak, and then become a bronstrops,[829] as she is!
Trim. Mayst thou have a reasonable good spring, for thou art like to have many dangerous foul falls!
Chough. Mayst thou have two ruffs torn in one week!
Trim. May spiders only weave thy cobweb-lawn!
Chough. Mayst thou set up in Rogue-lane—
Trim. Live till thou stinkest in Garden-alleys—
Chough. And die sweetly in Tower-ditch!
Priss. I thank you for that, good sir roarer.
Chough. Come, shall we go now, Trim? my father-in-law stays for me all this while.
Trim. Nay, I’ll serve 'em as we did the tobacco-man; I’ll bury 'em altogether, and give 'em an epitaph.
Chough. All together, Trim? why, then, the epitaph will be accessary to the sin.
Trim. Alas, he has kept the door all his life-time! for pity, let ’em lie together in their graves.[830]
Cap. Albo. E'en as thou wilt, Trim, and I thank you too, sir.
Trim. He that the reason would know, let him hark,
Why these three[831] were buried near Marybone Park;
These three were a pander, a bawd, and a whore,
That suck’d many dry to the bones before.
532Will you know how they liv’d? here’t may be read;
The Low Countries did ever find 'em bread;
They liv’d by Flushing, by Sluys, and the Groyne,
Sicken’d in France, and died under the Line.
Three letters at last commended 'em hither,
But the hangman broke one in putting together:
P was the first, who cries out for a pardon,
O craves his book, yet could not read such a hard one,
An X was the last, which in conjunction
Was broke by Brandon;[832] and here’s the conclusion:
By three trees, three letters, these three, pander, bawd, whore,
Now stink below ground, stunk long above before.
Chough. So, now we have done with you; remember roaring boys.
Trim. Farewell, centaur!
Chough. Farewell, bronstrops!
Trim. Farewell, fucus!
[Exeunt Chough and Trimtram.
Cap. Albo. Well, Meg, I will learn to roar, and still maintain the name of captain over these lancepresadoes.[833]
Meg. If thou dost not, mayst thou be buried under the roaring curse! [Exeunt.
533