Part 2 / Act 4 — SCENE II.

A Room in the Cross Inn.

Enter Latrocinio disguised as an empiric, and Occulto as his man.

Lat. Away, out with the banner! send’s good luck to-day!

Occ. I warrant you; your name’s spread, sir, for an empiric:

[Hanging up a Banner of Cures and Diseases.

There’s an old mason troubled with the stone

Has sent to you this morning for your counsel,

He would have ease fain.

Lat. Marry, I cannot blame him, sir;

But how he will come by’t, there lies the question.

406Occ. You must do somewhat, sir; for he’s swoln most piteously,

Has urine in him now was brew’d last March.

Lat. 'Twill be rich gear for dyers.

Occ. I would 'twere come to that, sir.

Lat. Le’ me see,

I’ll send him a whole musket-charge of gunpowder.^[658]

Occ. Gunpowder? what, sir, to break the stone?

Lat. Ay, by my faith, sir,

It is the likeliest thing I know to do’t;

I’m sure it breaks stone-walls and castles down;

I see no reason but’t should break the stone.

Occ. Nay, use your pleasure, sir.

Lat. Troth, if that do not,

I ha’ nothing else that will.

Occ. I know that too.

Lat. Why then thou’rt a coxcomb to make question on’t.

Go call in all the rest, I’ve employment for them.

[Exit Occulto.

When the highways grow thin with travellers,

And few portmanteaus stirring, as all trades

Have their dead time we see, thievery poor takings,

And lechery cold doings, and so forwards still;

407Then do I take my inn, and those curmudgeons

Whose purses I can never get abroad,

I take 'em at more ease here i’ my chamber,

And make 'em come to me; it’s more state-like too.

Hang him that has but one way to his trade!

He’s like a mouth that eats but on one side,

And half-cozens his belly, ’specially if he dine 'mong shavers

And both-handed feeders.—Stratio, Silvio, and Fiducio!

Enter Silvio, Stratio, and Fiducio.

I will have none left out, there’s parts for you.

Sil. For us? pray let us have 'em.

Lat. Change yourselves

With all speed possible into several shapes,

Far from your own: as, you a farmer, sir;

A grazier you; and you may be a miller.

Fid. O no, a miller comes too near a thief;

That may spoil all again.

Lat. Some country tailor then.

Fid. That’s near enough, byrlady,^[659] yet I’ll venture that;

The miller’s a white devil, he wears his theft

Like innocence in badges most apparently

Upon his nose, sometimes between his lips;

The tailor modestly between his legs.

Lat. Why, pray, do you 'present that modest thief, then;

And hark you, for the purpose.

Sil. 'Twill improve you, sir.

Lat. 'Twill get believers, believe that, my masters,

Repute and confidence, and make all things clearer;

408When you see any come, repair you to me,

As samples of my skill: there are few arts

But have their shadows, sirs, to set 'em off;

Then where the art itself is but a shadow,

What need is there, my friends! Make haste, away, sirs.

[Exeunt Silvio, Stratio, and Fiducio.

Re-enter Occulto.

Occ. Where are you, sir?

Lat. Not far, man; what’s the news?

Occ. th’ old justice, sir, whom we robb’d once by moonlight,

And bound his man and he in haycock time

With a rope made of horse-meat, and in pity

Left their mares by 'em, which, I think, ere midnight

Did eat their hay-bound masters both at liberty——

Lat. 'Life, what of him, man?

Occ. He’s inquiring earnestly

For the great man of art, indeed for you, sir:

Therefore withdraw, sweet sir; make yourself dainty now,

And that’s three parts of any profession.

Lat. I have enough on’t. [Exit.

Enter Martia in Brandino’s clothes.

Occ. How now, what thing’s this?

Now, by this light, the second part o’ th’ justice

Newly reviv’d, with never a hair on’s face.

It should be the first rather by his smoothness,

But I ha’ known the first part written last:^[660]

409’Tis he, or let me perish, the young gentleman

We robb’d and stript; but I am far from knowledge now.

[Aside.

Martia. One word, I pray, sir.

Occ. With me, gentle sir?

Martia. Was there not lately seen about these parts, sir,

A knot of fellows, whose conditions

Are privily suspected?

Occ. Why do you ask, sir?

Martia. There was a poor young gentleman robb’d last night.

Occ. Robb’d?

Martia. Stript of all, i’faith.

Occ. O beastly rascals!

'Las, what was he?

Martia. Look o’ me, and know him, sir.

Occ. Hard-hearted villains! strip? troth, when I saw you,

Methought those clothes were never made for you, sir.

Martia. Want made me glad o’ 'em.

Occ. Send you better fortunes, sir!—

That we may have a bout with you once again. [Aside.

Martia. I thank you for your wish of love, kind sir.

Occ. ’Tis with my heart, i’faith; now store of coin

And better clothes be with you!

Martia. There’s some honest yet,

And charitably-minded. How, what’s here to do?

[Reads on the banner.

Here within this place is cur’d

All the griefs that were ever endur’d.

Nay, there thou liest; I endur’d one last night

410Thou canst not cure this morning; a strange promiser!

[Reads.

Palsy, gout, hydropic humour,

Breath that stinks beyond perfumer,

Fistula in ano, ulcer, megrim,

Or what disease soe’er beleaguer 'em,

Stone, rupture, squinancy, imposthume;

Yet too dear it shall not cost 'em.

That’s conscionably said, i’faith. [Reads.

In brief, you cannot, I assure you,

Be unsound so fast as I can cure you.

Byrlady,^[661] you shall pardon me, I’ll not try’t, sir.

Enter Brandino and Martino.

Bran. Martino, is not yond my hinder parts?

Mar. Yes, and your fore parts too, sir.

Bran. I trow so;

I never saw my hind parts in my life else,

No, nor my fore ones neither.—What are you, sir?

Are you a justice, pray?

Martia. A justice? no, truly.

Bran. How came this suit to you, then?

Martia. How this suit?

Why, must he needs be a justice, sir, that wears it?

Bran. You’ll find it so; ’twas made for nobody else:

I paid for’t.

Martia. O strange fortune! I’ve undone

The charitable woman. [Aside.

Bran. He’ll be gone.

Martino, hold him fast, I’ll call for aid.

Martia. Hold me? O curse of fate!

[Strikes Martino.

Mar. O master, master!

411Bran. What ails Martino?

Mar. In my conscience,

Has beat out the wrong tooth; I feel it now

Three degrees off.

Bran. O slave, spoil’d a fine penman!

Martia. He lack’d good manners, though; lay hands o’ me?

I scorn all the deserts that belong to it.

Re-enter Latrocinio.

Lat. Why, how now? what’s the broil?

Bran. The man of art,

I take you, sir, to be.

Lat. I’m the professor

Of those slight cures you read of in the banner.

Bran. Our business was to you, most skilful sir;

But in the way to you, right worshipful,

I met a thief.

Lat. A thief?

Bran. With my clothes on, sir:

Let but the hose^[662] be search’d, I’ll pawn my life

There’s yet the tailor’s bill in one o’ th’ pockets,

And a white thimble that I found i’ moonlight—

Thou saw’st me when I put it in, Martino?

Mar. Oy, oy!

Bran. O, has spoil’d

The worthiest clerk that e’er drew warrant here!

Lat. Sir, you’re a stranger, but I must deal plain with you;

That suit of clothes must needs come oddly to you.

Martia. I dare not say which way, that’s my affliction. [Aside.

Lat. Is not your worship’s name signor Brandino, sir?

412Bran. It has been so these threescore year[s] and upwards.

Lat. I heard there was a robbery done last night

Near to your house.

Martia. You heard a truth then, sir,

And I the man was robb’d.

Lat. Ah, that’s too gross!—

Send him away for fear of farther mischief;

I do not like him, he’s a cunning knave.

Bran. I want but aid.

Lat. Within there!

Enter Servants.

Bran. Seize upon

That impudent thief.

Martia. Then hear me speak.

Bran. Away!

I’ll neither hear thee speak, nor wear those clothes again.—

To prison with the varlet!

Martia. How am I punish’d!

Bran. I’ll make thee bring out all before I leave thee.

[Exeunt Servants with Martia.

Lat. You’ve took an excellent course with this bold villain, sir.

Bran. I’m sworn for service to the commonwealth, sir.

Enter Silvio, Stratio, and Fiducio, disguised.

What are these, learned sir?

Lat. O, they’re my patients.—

Good morrow, gout, rupture, and palsy.

Stra. ’Tis farewell gout almost, I thank your worship.

Lat. What, no, you cannot part so soon, I hope?

You came but lately to me.

413Stra. But most happily;

I can go near to leap, sir. [Leaps.

Lat. What, you cannot?

Away, I say! take heed, be not too vent’rous though;

I’ve had you but three days, remember that.

Stra. Those three are better than three hundred, sir.

[Leaps.

Lat. Yet again?

Stra. Ease takes pleasure to be known, sir.

Lat. You with the rupture there, hernia in scrotum,

Pray let me see your space^[663] this morning; walk, sir,

I’ll take your distance straight; ’twas F. O. yesterday:

Ah, sirrah, here’s a simple alteration!

Secundo gradu, ye F. U. already;

Here’s a most happy change. Be of good comfort, sir;

Your knees are come within three inches now

Of one another; by to-morrow noon,

I’ll make 'em kiss and jostle.

Sil. Bless your worship!

Bran. You’ve a hundred prayers in a morning, sir.

Lat. Faith, we’ve a few to pass away the day with.—

Tailor, you had a stitch?

Fid. O, good your worship,

I have had none since Easter: were I rid

But of this whoreson palsy, I were happy;

I cannot thread my needle.

Lat. No? that’s hard;

I never mark’d so much.

414Fid. It comes by fits, sir.

Lat. Alas, poor man!—What would your worship say now

To see me help this fellow at an instant?

Bran. And make him firm from shaking?

Lat. As a steeple,

From the disease on’t.

Bran. ’Tis to me miraculous.

Lat. You with your whoremaster disease, come hither;

Here, take me this round glass, and hold it stedfast;

[Gives glass.

Yet more, sir; yet, I say; so.

Bran. Admirable!

Lat. Go, live, and thread thy needle.

Bran. Here, Martino:—

Alas, poor fool, his mouth is full of praises,

And cannot utter 'em.

Lat. No? what’s the malady?

Bran. The fury of a tooth.

Lat. A tooth? ha, ha!

I thought 't had been some gangrene, fistula,

Canker, or ramex.

Bran. No, it’s enough as ’tis, sir.

Lat. My man shall ease that straight.—Sit you down there, sir—[Martino seats himself.

Take the tooth, sirrah, daintily, insensibly—

But what’s your worship’s malady? that’s for me, sir.

Bran. Marry, pray, look you, sir; your worship’s counsel

About mine eyes.

Lat. Sore eyes? that’s nothing too, sir.

Bran. Byrlady,^[664] I that feel it think it somewhat.

415Lat. Have you no convulsions, pricking aches, sir,

Ruptures, or apostemates?

Bran. No, by my faith, sir,

Nor do I desire to have 'em.

Lat. Those are cures;

There do I win my fame, sir.—Quickly, sirrah,

Reach me the eye-cup hither.—

[Occulto gives him the eye-cup.

Do you make water well, sir?

Bran. I’m all well there.

Lat. You feel no grief i’ th’ kidney?

Bran. Sound, sound, sound, sir.

Lat. O, here’s a breath, sir, I must talk withal,

One of these mornings.

Bran. There I think, i’faith,

I am to blame indeed, and my wife’s words

Are come to pass, sir.

Mar. O, O! ’tis not that,’tis not that!

[While Occulto gives a pull at one of his teeth.

It is the next beyond it; there, there, there!

Occ. The best have their mistakings: now I’ll fit you, sir.

Bran. What’s that, sweet sir, that comforts with his coolness?

Lat. O, sovereign gear: wink hard, and keep it in, sir.

[While he applies the eye-cup to Brandino,

he picks his pocket.

Mar. O, O, O!

Occ. Nay, here he goes; one twitch more, and he comes, sir.

[While he draws one of Martino’s teeth, he

picks his pocket.

Mar. Auh, ho!

Occ. Spit out; I told you he was gone, sir.

416Bran. How cheers Martino?

Mar. O, I can answer you now, master;

I feel great ease, sir.

Bran. So do I, Martino.

Mar. I’m rid of a sore burden, for my part, master,

Of a scald^[665] little one.

Lat. Please but your worship now

To take three drops of the rich water with you,

I’ll undertake your man shall cure you, sir,

At twice i’ your own chamber.

Bran. Shall he so, sir?

Lat. I will uphold him in’t.

Mar. Then will I do’t, sir.

Lat. How lively your man’s now!

Mar. O, I’m so light, methinks,

Over I was!^[666]

Bran. What is’t contents your worship?

Lat. Even what your worship please; I am not mercenary.

Bran. My purse is gone, Martino!

Lat. How, your purse, sir?

Bran. ’Tis gone, i’faith; I’ve been among some rascals.

Mar. And that’s a thing

I ever gave you warning of, master; you care not

What company you run into.

Bran. Lend me some money; chide me anon, I prithee.

A pox on 'em for vipers! they ha’ suck’d blood o’ me.

Mar. O master!

Bran. How now, man?

417Mar. My purse is gone too!

Bran. How?

I’ll ne’er take warning more of thee while I live then;

Thou art an hypocrite, and art not fit

To give good counsel to thy master, that

Canst not keep from ill company thyself.

Lat. This is most strange, sir; both your purses gone!

Mar. Sir, I’d my hand on mine when I came in.

Lat. Are you but sure of that? O, would you were!

Mar. As I’m of ease.

Lat. Then they’re both gone one way,

Be that your comfort.

Bran. Ay, but what way’s that, sir?

Lat. That close knave in your clothes has got 'em both;

’Tis well you’ve clapt him fast.

Bran. Why, that’s impossible.

Lat. O, tell not me, sir! I ha’ known purses gone,

And the thief stand and look one full i’ th’ face,

As I may do your worship and your man now.

Mar. Nay, that’s most certain, master.

Bran. I will make

That rascal in my clothes answer all this then,

And all the robberies that have been done

Since the moon chang’d.—Get you home first, Martino,

And know if any of my wife’s things are missing,

Or any more of mine: tell her he’s taken,

And by that token he has took both our purses.

Mar. That’s an ill token, master.

Bran. That’s all one, sir,

She must have that or nothing; for I’m sure

The rascal has left nothing else for a token.

418Begone!

Make haste again, and meet me part o’ th’ way.

Mar. I’ll hang the villain,

And 'twere for nothing but the souse he gave me.

[Exit.

Bran. Sir, I depart asham’d of my requital,

And leave this seal-ring with you as a pledge

Of further thankfulness. [Gives ring.

Lat. No, I beseech you, sir.

Bran. Indeed you shall, sir.

Lat. O, your worship’s word, sir.

Bran. You shall have my word too, for a rare gentleman

As e’er I met withal. [Exit.

Lat. Clear sight be with you, sir;

If conduit-water, and my hostess’ milk,

That comes with the ninth child now, may afford it!

'Life, I fear’d none but thee, my villanous tooth-drawer.

Occ. There was no fear of me; I’ve often told you

I was bound prentice to a barber once,

But ran away i’ th’ second year.

Lat. Ay, marry,

That made thee give a pull at the wrong tooth,

And me afraid of thee. What have we there, sirs?

Occ. Some threescore dollars i’ the master’s purse,

And sixteen in the clerk’s, a silver seal,

Two or three amber beads, and four blank warrants.

Lat. Warrants! where be they? the best news came yet:

'Mass, here’s his hand, and here’s his seal; I thank him:

This comes most luckily; one of our fellows

Was took last night, we’ll set him first at liberty,

And other good boys after him; and if he

419In th’ old justice’s suit, whom we^[667] robb’d lately,

Will come oft 'roundly,^[668] we’ll set him free too.

Occ. That were a good deed, faith; we may, in pity.

Lat. There’s nothing done merely for pity now-a-days,

Money or ware must help too.

Song, in parts, by Latrocinio and the rest

Give me fortune, give me health,

Give me freedom, I’ll get wealth:

Who complains his fate’s amiss,

When he has the wide world his?

He that has the devil in fee

Can have but all, and so have we.

Give us fortune, give us health,

Give us freedom, we’ll get wealth.

In every hamlet, town, and city,

He has lands that was born witty.

[Exeunt.