Part 2 / Act 4 — ACT IV. SCENE I.

Near Valeria’s House.

Enter Ricardo and Second Suitor on one side, and Valeria and First Suitor on the other.

Ric. It goes well hitherto, my sweet protector.

Sec. Suit. Ay, and shall still to th’ end, to th’ end, my honey:

Wherefore have I enough, but to have’t go well, sir?

First Suit. My whole state on’t, thou over-throw’st him, widow.

Val. I hope well still, sir.

First Suit. Hope? be certain, wench:

I make no question now but thou art mine,

As sure as if I had thee in thy night-gear.

Val. Byrlady,^[650] that I doubt, sir.

First Suit. O,’tis clear, wench,

By one thing that I mark’d.

Val. What’s that, good, sweet sir?

First Suit. A thing that never fail’d me.

Val. Good sir, what?

First Suit. I heard our counsellor speak a word of comfort,

Invita voluntate; ha, that’s he, wench,

The word of words, the precious chief, i’faith!

Val. Invita voluntate; what’s the meaning, sir?

First Suit. Nay, there I leave you, but assure you thus much,

I never heard him speak that word i’ my life,

But the cause went on’s side, that I mark’d ever.

Sec. Suit. Do, do, and spare not: thou wouldst talk with her?

400Ric. Yes, with your leave and liking.

Sec. Suit. Do, my adoption,

My chosen child; and^[651] thou hold’st so obedient,

Sure thou wilt live and cozen all my kindred.

Ric. A child’s part in your love, that’s my ambition, sir.

Sec. Suit. Go, and deserve it then; please me well now;

I love wrangling a’ life,^[652] boy, there’s my delight;

I have no other venery but vexation,

That’s all, my honey, now: smartly now to her;

I have enough, and I will have my humour.

Ric. This need not ha’ been, widow.

Val. You say right, sir;

No, nor your treachery, your close conspiracy

Against me for my wealth, need not ha’ been neither.

Ric. I had you fairly; I scorn treachery

To your woman that I never meant to marry,

Much more to you, whom I reserv’d for wife.

Val. How, wife?

Ric. Ay, wife, wife, widow; be not asham’d on’t,

It’s the best calling ever woman came to,

And all your grace indeed, brag as you list.

Sec. Suit. Ha, ha!

Val. I grant you, sir, but not to be your wife.

First Suit. O, O!

Ric. Not mine? I think ’tis the best bargain

That e’er thou mad’st i’ thy life, or ever shall again,

When my head’s laid, but that’s not yet this three-score year;

Let’s talk of nearer matters.

Val. You’re as near, sir,

As e’er you’re like to be, if law can right me.

401Ric. Now, before conscience, you’re a wilful housewife.

Val. How?

Ric. Ay, and I fear you spend my goods lavishly.

Val. Your goods?

Ric. I shall miss much, I doubt me,

When I come to look over the inventory.

Val. I’ll give you my word you shall, sir.

Ric. Look to’t, widow;

A night may come will call you to account for’t.

Val. O, if you had me now, sir, in this heat,

I do but think how you’d be reveng’d on me!

Ric. Ay, may I perish else; if I would not get

Three children at a birth, and^[653] I could, o’ thee!

First Suit. Take off your youngster there.

Sec. Suit. Take off your widow first,

He shall have the last word, I pay for’t dearly.—

To her again, sweet boy, that side’s the weaker:

I have enough, and I will have my humour.

Enter Brandino and Martino.

Val. O brother, see I’m up to th’ ears in law here!

Look, copy^[654] upon copy.

Bran. 'Twere grief enough,

If a man did but hear on’t, but I am

In pain to see it.

Val. What, sore eyes still, brother?

Bran. Worse and worse, sister; the old woman’s water

Does me no good.

Val. Why, 't’as help’d many, sir.

402Bran. It helps not me, I’m sure.

Mar. O, O!

Val. What ails Martino too?

Mar. O, O, the toothache, the toothache!

Bran. Ah, poor worm! this he endures for me now:

There beats not a more mutual pulse of passion

In a kind husband when his wife breeds child

Than in Martino; I ha’ mark’d it ever;

He breeds all my pains in’s teeth still, and to quit^[655] me,

It is his eye-tooth too.

Mar. Ay, ay, ay, ay.

Val. Where did I hear late of a skilful fellow,

Good for all kind of maladies? true, true, sir;

His flag hangs out in town here i’ th’ Cross Inn,

With admirable cures of all conditions;

It shews him a great travelling and learn’d empiric.

Bran. We’ll both to him, Martino.

Val. Hark you, brother;

Perhaps you may prevail, as one indifferent.

First Suit. Ay, about that, sweet widow.

Val. True; speak low, sir.

Bran. Well, what’s the business? say, say.

Val. Marry, this, brother;

Call the young man aside from the old wolf there,

And whisper in his ear a thousand dollars,

If he will vanish and let fall the suit,

And never put’s to no more cost and trouble.

First Suit. Say me those words, good sir, I’ll make 'em worth

A chain of gold to you at your sister’s wedding.

Bran. I shall do much for that.

Enter Violetta.

Val. Welcome, sweetheart,

403Thou com’st most happily; I’m bold to send for thee

To make a purpose good.

Vio. I take delight, forsooth,

In any such employment.

First Suit. Good wench, trust me.

Ric. How, sir, let fall the suit? 'life, I’ll go naked first.

Bran. A thousand dollars, sir, think upon them.

Ric. Why, they’re but a thousand dollars, when they’re thought on.

Bran. A good round sum.

Ric. A good round widow’s better;

There’s meat and money too. I have been bought

Out of my lands, and yielded; but, sir, scorn

To be bought out of my affection.

Bran. Why, here’s even just my university spirit;

I priz’d a piece of red deer above gold then.

Ric. My patron would be mad, and^[656] he should hear on’t.

Mar. I pray, what’s good, sir, for a wicked tooth?

Ric. Hang’d, drawn, and quartering: is’t a hollow one?

Mar. Ay, ’tis a hollow one.

Ric. Then take the powder

Of a burnt warrant, mix’d with oil of felon.

Mar. Why sure you mock me.

Ric. Troth, I think I do, sir.

Sec. Suit. Come hither, honey; what’s the news? in whispers.

Bran. He will not be bought out.

Val. No? that’s strange, brother:

Pray take a little pains about this project then,

And try what that effects.

Bran. I like this better.—

404Look you, sweet gentles, see what I produce here

For amity’s sake and peace, to end all controversy;

This gentlewoman, my charge, left by her friends,

Whom for her person and her portion

I could bestow most richly, but in pity

To her affection, which lies bent at you, sir,

I am content to yield to her desire.

Ric. At me?

Bran. But for this jar, 't had ne’er been offer’d.

I bring you flesh and money, a rich heir,

And a maid too, and that’s a thing worth thanks, sir,

Nay, one that has rid fifteen mile this morning

For your love only.

Sec. Suit. Honey, hearken after her;

Being rich, I can have all my money there;

Ease my purse well, and never wage law further:

I have enough, yet I will have my humour.

Ric. Do you love me, forsooth?

Vio. O, infinitely!

Ric. I do not ask thee, that I meant to have thee,

But only to know what came in thy head to love me.

Vio. My time was come, sir; that’s all I can say.

Ric. 'Las, poor soul! where didst thou love me first, prithee?

Vio. In happy hour be’t spoke, out at a window, sir.

Ric. A window? prithee, clap’t to, and call it in again:

What was I doing then, should make thee love me?

Vio. Twirling your band-string, which, methought, became you

So generously well.

Ric. 'Twas a good quality to choose a husband for; that love was likely to be tied in matrimony that begun in a band-string; yet I ha’ known as much come to pass ere now upon a tassel. Fare 405you well, sister; I may be cozened in a maid, I cannot in a widow.

Sec. Suit. Art thou come home again? stick’st thou there still?

I will defend thee still then.

First Suit. Sir, your malice

Will have enough on’t.

Sec. Suit. I will have my humour.

First Suit. Beggary will prove the sponge.

Sec. Suit. Sponge i’ thy gascoyns,

Thy gally-gascoyns^[657] there!

Ric. Ha, brave protector!

Bran. I thought 'twould come to open wars again:

Let 'em agree as they will, two testy fops!

I’ll have a care of mine eyes.

Mar. I of my chops. [Exeunt.