Part 1 / Act 4 — SCENE III.
Reading edition
Candido’s Shop.
Enter Viola and two Prentices.
Vio. What’s a’ clock now?
Sec. P. ’Tis almost twelve.
Vio. That’s well;
The senate will leave wording presently:
But is George ready?
Sec. P. Yes, forsooth, he’s furbish’d.
Vio. Now as you ever hope to win my favour,
Throw both your duties and respects on him
With the like awe as if he were your master:
Let not your looks betray it with a smile
Or jeering glance to any customer;
Keep a true settled countenance, and beware
You laugh not, whatsoe’er you hear or see.
Sec. P. I warrant you, mistress, let us alone for keeping our countenance; for, if I list, there’s never a fool in all Milan shall make me laugh, let him play the fool never so like an ass, whether it be the fat court-fool or the lean city-fool.
Vio. Enough then; call down George.
Sec. P. I hear him coming.
Vio. Be ready with your legs[179] then, let me see
How courtesy would become him.—
Enter George in Candido’s apparel.
Gallantly!
Beshrew my blood, a proper seemly man,
Of a choice carriage, walks with a good port!
Geo. I thank you, mistress; my back’s broad enough, now my master’s gown’s on.
85Vio. Sure I should think it were the least of sin
To mistake the master, and to let him in.
Geo. 'Twere a good Comedy of Errors[180] that, i’faith.
Sec. P. Whist, whist! my master.
Vio. You all know your tasks.—
Enter Candido,[181] dressed as before in the carpet: he stares at George, and exit.'
God’s my life, what’s that he has got upon’s back? who can tell?
Geo. That can I, but I will not.
Vio. Girt about him like a madman! what, has he lost his cloak too? This is the maddest fashion that e’er I saw. What said he, George, when he passed by thee?
Geo. Troth, mistress, nothing; not so much as a bee, he did not hum; not so much as a bawd, he did not hem; not so much as a cuckold, he did not ha; neither hum, hem, nor ha; only stared me in the face, past along, and made haste in, as if my looks had worked with him to give him a stool.
Vio. Sure he’s vex’d now, this trick has mov’d his spleen;
He’s anger’d now, because he utter’d nothing,
And wordless wrath breaks out more violent.
May be he’ll strive for place when he comes down,
But if thou lov’st me, George, afford him none.
86Geo. Nay, let me alone to play my master’s prize,[182] as long as my mistress warrants me: I’m sure I have his best clothes on, and I scorn to give place to any that is inferior in apparel to me; that’s an axiom, a principle, and is observed as much as the fashion: let that persuade you then, that I’ll shoulder with him for the upper hand in the shop as long as this chain will maintain it.
Vio. Spoke with the spirit of a master, though with the tongue of a prentice!—
Re-enter Candido dressed as a prentice.
Why, how now, madman? what, in your tricksi-coats?
Can. O peace, good mistress!—
Enter Crambo and Poh.[183]
See, what you lack?[184] what is’t you buy? pure callicoes, fine hollands, choice cambrics, neat lawns: see, what you buy? pray, come near, my master will use you well, he can afford you a pennyworth.
Vio. Ay, that he can, out of a whole piece of lawn, i’faith.
Can. Pray, see your choice here, gentlemen.
Vio. O fine fool! what, a madman? a patient madman? who ever heard of the like! well, sir, I’ll fit you and your humour presently: what, cross-points? I’ll untie 'em all in a trice; I’ll vex you, faith.—Boy, take your cloak; quick, come. [Exit with First Prentice.
Bare to this coat? then the world’s upside down.
Geo. Umh, umh, hum.
Cram. That’s the shop,[187] and there’s the fellow.
Poh. Ay, but the master is walking in there.
Cram. No matter; we’ll in.
Poh. ’Sblood, dost long to lie in limbo?
Cram. And[188] limbo be in hell, I care not.
Can. Look you, gentlemen, your choice: cambrics?
Cram. No, sir, some shirting.
Can. You shall.
Cram. Have you none of this striped canvass for doublets?
Can. None striped, sir, but plain.
Sec. P. I think there be one piece striped within.
Geo. Step, sirrah, and fetch it; hum, hum, hum.
[Exit Sec. Prentice,[189] and returns with the piece.
Can. Look you, gentlemen,
I’ll make but one spreading; here’s a piece of cloth,
Fine, yet shall wear like iron, ’tis without fault;
Take this upon my word, ’tis without fault.
Cram. Then ’tis better than you, sirrah.
Can. Ay, and a number more. O that each soul
Were but as spotless as this innocent white,
And had as few breaks in it!
Cram. 'Twould have some then:
There was a fray here last day in this shop.
Can. There was indeed a little flea-biting.
88Poh. A gentleman had his pate broke; call you that but a flea-biting?
Can. He had so.
Cram. Zounds, do you stand in’t? [Strikes Candido.
Geo. ’Sfoot, clubs, clubs![190] prentices, down with 'em!—
Enter several Prentices with clubs, who disarm
Crambo and Poh.
Ah, you rogues, strike a citizen in’s shop!
Can. None of you stir, I pray; forbear, good George.
Cram. I beseech you, sir; we mistook our marks; deliver us our weapons.
Geo. Your head bleeds, sir; cry, clubs!
Can. I say you shall not; pray, be patient;
Give them their weapons.—Sirs, you’re best be gone;
I tell you, here are boys more tough than bears:
Hence, lest more fists do walk about your ears.
Cram. Poh. } We thank you, sir.
[Exeunt.
Can. You shall not follow them;
Let them alone, pray: this did me no harm;
Troth, I was cold, and the blow made me warm;
I thank 'em for’t: besides, I had decreed
To have a vein prick’d, I did mean to bleed,
So that there’s money sav’d: they’re honest men;
Pray, use 'em well when they appear agen.[191]
Geo. Yes, sir, we’ll use 'em like honest men.
Can. Ay, well said, George, like honest men, though they
89Be arrant knaves; for that’s the phrase[192] of the city.
Help to lay up these wares.
Re-enter Viola and First Prentice, with Officers.
Vio. Yonder he stands.
First Off. What, in a prentice-coat?
Vio. Ay, ay; mad, mad: pray, take heed.
Can. How now?
What news with them? what make they with my wife?
Officers? is she attach’d?—Look to your wares.
Vio. He talks to himself: O, he’s much gone indeed!
First Off. Pray, pluck up a good heart, be not so fearful.—
Sirs, hark, we’ll gather to him by degrees.
Vio. Ay, ay, by degrees, I pray. O me, what makes he with the lawn in his hand? he’ll tear all the ware in my shop.
First Off. Fear not, we’ll catch him on a sudden.
Vio. O, you had need do so: pray, take heed of your warrant.
First Off. I warrant, mistress.—Now, signor Candido.
Can. Now, sir, what news with you, sir?
Vio. What news with you? he says: O, he’s far gone!
First Off. I pray, fear nothing; let’s alone with him.—
Signor, you look not like yourself, methinks—
Steal you a’ t’other side—you’re chang’d, you’re alter’d.
Can. Chang’d, sir? why, true, sir. Is change strange? ’tis not
The fashion unless it alter: monarchs turn
90To beggars, beggars creep into the nests
Of princes, masters serve their prentices,
Ladies their serving-men, men turn to women.
First Off. And women turn to men.
Can. Ay, and women turn to men, you say true; ha, ha! a mad world, a mad world! [Officers seize Candido.
First Off. Have we caught you, sir?
Can. Caught me? well, well, you have caught me.
Vio. He laughs in your faces.
Geo. A rescue, prentices! my master’s catch-poll’d.
First Off. I charge you, keep the peace, or have your legs
Garter’d with irons! we have from the duke
A warrant strong enough for what we do.
Can. I pray, rest quiet; I desire no rescue.
Vio. La, he desires no rescue; 'las, poor heart,
He talks against himself!
Can. Well, what’s the matter?
First Off. Look to that arm; [Officers bind Candido.
Pray, make sure work, double the cord.
Can. Why, why!—Vio. Look how his head goes! should he get but loose,
O, 'twere as much as all our lives were worth!
First Off. Fear not, we’ll make all sure for our own safety.
Can. Are you at leisure now? well, what’s the matter?
Why do I enter into bonds thus, ha?
First Off. Because you’re mad, put fear upon your wife.
Vio. O ay; I went in danger of my life every minute.
91Can. What, am I mad, say you, and I not know it?
First Off. That proves you mad, because you
know it not.
Vio. Pray, talk as little to him as you can;
You see he’s too far spent.
Can. Bound with strong cord!
A sister’s[193] thread, i’faith, had been enough
To lead me any where.—Wife, do you long?
You are mad too, or else you do me wrong.
Geo. But are you mad indeed, master?
Can. My wife says so,
And what she says, George, is all truth, you know.—
And whither now? to Bethlem Monastery?
Ha, whither?
First Off. Faith, e’en to the madmen’s pound.
Can. a’ God’s name! still I feel my patience sound.
[Exeunt Officers with Candido.
Geo. Come, we’ll see whither he goes: if the master be mad, we are his servants, and must follow his steps; we’ll be mad-caps too.—Farewell, mistress; you shall have us all in Bedlam.
[Exeunt George and Prentices.
Vio. I think I ha’ fitted now you and your clothes.
If this move not his patience, nothing can;
I’ll swear then I’ve a saint, and not a man. [Exit.