Part 2 / Act 2 — ACT II. SCENE I.

A Room in Valeria’s House.

Enter Valeria and Servellio.

Val. Servellio!

Ser. Mistress?

Val. If that fellow come again,

Answer him without me; I’ll not speak with him.

Ser. He in the nutmeg-colour’d band, forsooth?

Val. Ay, that spic’d coxcomb, sir: ne’er may I marry again, [Exit Servellio.

If his right worshipful idolatrous face

Be not most fearfully painted; so hope comfort me,

I might perceive it peel in many places;

And under’s eye lay a betraying foulness,

As maids sweep dust o’ th’ house all to one corner;

It shew’d me enough there, prodigious pride,

That cannot but fall scornfully. I’m a woman;

Yet, I praise heaven, I never had th’ ambition

To go about to mend a better workman:

She ever shames herself i’ th’ end that does it.

He that likes me not now, as heaven made me,

I’ll never hazard hell to do him a pleasure;

Nor lie every night like a woodcock in paste

To please some gaudy goose in the morning:

A wise man likes that best that is itself,

Not that which only seems, though it look fairer.

Heaven send me one that loves me, and I’m happy!

Of whom I’ll make great trial ere I have him,

Though I speak all men fair, and promise sweetly:

I learn that of my suitors; ’tis their own,

Therefore injustice 'twere to keep it from 'em.

366Enter Ricardo, followed by Francisco and Attilio who conceal themselves.

Ric. And so as I said, sweet widow——

Val. Do you begin where you left, sir?

Ric. I always desire, when I come to a widow, to begin i’ th’ middle of a sentence; for I presume she has a bad memory of a woman that cannot remember what goes before.

Val. Stay, stay, sir; let me look upon you well;

Are not you painted too?

Ric. How, painted, widow?

Val. Not painted widow; I do not use it, trust me, sir.

Ric. That makes me love thee.

Val. I mean painted gentleman,

Or if you please to give him a greater style, sir:

Blame me not, sir; it’s a dangerous age, I tell you;

Poor simple-dealing women had need look about 'em.

Ric. But is there such a fellow in the world, widow,

As you are pleas’d to talk on?

Val. Nay, here lately, sir.

Ric. Here? a pox, I think I smell him! ’tis vermilion sure; ha, oil of ben!^[611] Do but shew him me, widow, and let me never hope for comfort, if I do not immediately geld him, and grind his face upon one o’ th’ stones.

367Val. Suffices you’ve express’d me your love and valour,

And manly hate 'gainst that unmanly pride:

But, sir, I’ll save you that labour; he ne’er comes

Within my door again.

Ric. I’ll love your door the better while I know’t, widow; a pair of such brothers were fitter for posts^[612] without door indeed, to make a shew at a new-chosen magistrate’s gate, than to be used in a woman’s chamber. No, sweet widow, having me, you’ve the truth of a man; all that you see of me is full mine own, and what you see, or not see, shall be yours: I ever hated to be beholding^[613] to art, or to borrow any thing but money.

Val. True, and that you never use to pay again.

Ric. What matter is’t? if you be pleased to do’t for me, I hold it as good.

Val. O, soft you, sir, I pray!

Ric. Why, i’faith, you may, and^[614] you will.

Val. I know that, sir.

Ric. Troth, and I would have my will then, if I were as you: there’s few women else but have.^[615]

Val. But since I cannot have it in all, signor,

I care not to have it in any thing.

Ric. Why, you may have’t in all, and^[614] you will, widow.

Val. Pish! I’d have one that loves me for myself, sir,

Not for my wealth; and that I cannot have.

Ric. What say you to him that does the thing you wish for?

Val. Why, here’s my hand, I’ll marry none but him then.

368Ric. Your hand and faith?

Val. My hand and faith.

Ric. ’Tis I, then.

Val. I shall be glad on’t, trust me; ’shrew my heart else!

Ric. A match!

[Francisco and Attilio come forward.

Fran. Give you joy, sweet widow!

Att. Joy to you both!

Val. How?

Ric. Nay, there’s no starting now, I have you fast, widow.—

You’re witness, gentlemen.

Fran. Att. } We’ll be depos’d on’t.

Val. Am I betray’d to this, then? then I see

’Tis for my wealth: a woman’s wealth’s her traitor.

Ric. ’Tis for love chiefly, I protest, sweet widow;

I count wealth but a fiddle to make us merry.

Val. Hence!

Ric. Why, thou’rt mine.

Val. I do renounce it utterly.

Ric. Have I not hand and faith?

Val. Sir, take your course.

Ric. With all my heart; ten courses, and^[616] you will, widow.

Val. Sir, sir, I’m not so gamesome as you think me;

I’ll stand you out by law.

Ric. By law? O cruel, merciless woman,

To talk of law, and know I have no money!

Val. I will consume myself to the last stamp,^[617]

Before thou gett’st me.

369Ric. 'Life, I’ll be as wilful then, too:

I’ll rob all the carriers in Christendom,

But I’ll have thee, and find my lawyers money.

I scorn to get thee under forma pauperis;

I have too proud a heart, and love thee better.

Val. As for you, gentlemen, I’ll take course against you;

You came into my house without my leave;

Your practices are cunning and deceitful;

I know you not, and I hope law will right me.

Ric. It is sufficient that your husband knows 'em:

’Tis not your business to know every man;

An honest wife contents herself with one.

Val. You know what you shall trust to. Pray depart, sir,

And take your rude confederates along with you,

Or I will send for those shall force your absence:

I’m glad I found your purpose out so soon.

How quickly may poor women be undone!

Ric. Lose thee? by this hand, I’ll fee fifteen counsellors first, though I undo a hundred poor men for 'em; and I’ll make 'em yaul one another deaf, but I’ll have thee.

Val. Me?

Ric. Thee.

Val. Ay, fret thy heart out. [Exit Ricardo.

Fran. Were I he now,

I’d see thee starve for man before I had thee.

Val. Pray, counsel him to that, sir, and I’ll pay you well.

Fran. Pay me? pay your next husband.

Val. Do not scorn’t, gallant; a worse woman than I

Has paid a better man than you.

[Exeunt Attilio and Francisco.

370Enter two Suitors.

First Suit. Why, how now, sweet widow?

Val. O kind gentlemen, I’m so abus’d here!

Both Suit. Abused? [Drawing their swords.

Val. What will you do, sirs? put up your weapons.

Sec. Suit. Nay, they’re not so easily drawn, that I must tell you; mine has not been out this three years; marry, in your cause, widow, 'twould not be long a-drawing. Abused! by whom, widow?

Val. Nay, by a beggar.

Sec. Suit. A beggar? I’ll have him whipt then, and sent to the House of Correction.

Val. Ricardo, sir.

Sec. Suit. Ricardo? nay, by th’ mass, he’s a gentleman-beggar; he’ll be hanged before he be whipt. Why, you’ll give me leave to clap him up, I hope?

Val. ’Tis too good for him; that’s the thing he’d have,

He would be clapt up, whether I would or no, methinks;

Plac’d two of his companions privately,

Unknown to me, on purpose to entrap me

In my kind answers, and at last stole from me

That which I fear will put me to some trouble,

A kind of verbal courtesy, which his witnesses

And he, forsooth, call by the name of contract.

First Suit. O politic villain!

Val. But I’m resolv’d, gentlemen,

If the whole power of my estate can cast him,

He never shall obtain me.

Sec. Suit. Hold you there, widow;

Well fare your heart for that, i’faith.

371First Suit. Stay, stay, stay;

You broke no gold between you?

Val. We broke nothing, sir.

First Suit. Nor drunk to one another?

Val. Not a drop, sir.

First Suit. You’re sure of this you speak?

Val. Most certain, sir.

First Suit. Be of good comfort, wench: I’ll undertake then,

At mine own charge, to overthrow him for thee.

Val. O, do but that, sir, and you bind me to you!

Here shall I try your goodness. I’m but a woman,

And, alas, ignorant in law businesses:

I’ll bear the charge most willingly.

First Suit. Not a penny;

Thy love will reward me.

Val. And where love must be,

It is all but one purse, now I think on’t.

First Suit. All comes to one, sweet widow.

Sec. Suit. Are you so forward? [Aside.

First Suit. I know his mates, Attilio and Francisco;

I’ll get out process, and attach 'em all:

We’ll begin first with them.

Val. I like that strangely.

First Suit. I have a daughter run away, I thank her;

I’ll be a scourge to all youth for her sake:

Some of 'em has got her up.

Val. Your daughter? what, sir, Martia?

First Suit. Ay, a shake wed her!

I would have married her to a wealthy gentleman,

No older than myself; she was like to be shrewdly hurt, widow.

Val. It was too happy for her.

372First Suit. I’m of thy mind.

Farewell, sweet widow; I’ll about this straight;

I’ll have 'em all three put into one writ,

And so save charges.

Val. How I love your providence!

[Exit First Suitor.

Sec. Suit. Is my nose bor’d? I’ll cross ye both for this,

Although it cost me as much o’ th’ other side:

I have enough, and I will have my humour.

I may get out of her what may undo her too. [Aside.

Hark you, sweet widow, you must now take heed

You be of a sure ground, he’ll o’erthrow you else.

Val. Marry, fair hope forbid!

Sec. Suit. That will he: marry, le’ me see, le’ me see;

Pray how far past it 'tween you and Ricardo?

Val. Farther, sir,

Than I would now it had; but I hope well yet.

Sec. Suit. Pray let me hear’t; I’ve a shrewd guess o’ th’ law.

Val. Faith, sir, I rashly gave my hand and faith

To marry none but him.

Sec. Suit. Indeed!

Val. Ay, trust me, sir.

Sec. Suit. I’m very glad on’t; I’m another witness,

And he shall have you now.

Val. What said you, sir?

Sec. Suit. He shall not want money in an honest cause, widow;

I know I’ve enough, and I will have my humour.

Val. Are all the world betrayers?

Sec. Suit. Pish, pish, widow!

373You’ve borne me in hand^[618] this three months, and now fobb’d me:

I’ve known the time when I could please a woman.

I’ll not be laugh’d at now; when I’m crost, I’m a tiger:

I have enough, and I will have my humour.

Val. This only shews your malice to me, sir;

The world knows you ha’ small reason to help him,

So much in your debt already.

Sec. Suit. Therefore I do’t,

I have no way but that to help myself;

Though I lose you, I will not lose all, widow;

He marrying you, as I will follow’t for him,

I’ll make you pay his debts, or lie without him.

Val. I look’d for this from you.

Sec. Suit. I ha’ not deceiv’d you then: [Exit Valeria.

Fret, vex, and chafe, I’m obstinate where I take.

I’ll seek him out, and cheer him up against her:

I ha’ no charge at all, no child of mine own,

But two I got once of a scouring-woman,

And they’re both well provided for, they’re i’ th’ hospital.

I have ten thousand pound to bury me,

And I will have my humour. [Exit.