Part 2 / Act 1 — ACT I. SCENE I.

A Room in Brandino’s House.^[578]

Martino seated at a writing-table: enter Francisco.

Fran. Martino!

Mar. Signor Francisco? you’re the luckiest gentleman to meet or see first in a morning: I never saw you yet but I was sure of money within less than half an hour.

Fran. I bring you the same luck still.

Mar. What, you do not? I hope, sir, you are not come for another warrant?

Fran. Yes, faith, for another warrant.

Mar. Why, there’s my dream come out then. I never dreamed of a buttock but I was sure to have money for a warrant; it is the luckiest part of all the body to me: let every man speak as he finds. Now your usurer is of opinion, that to dream 346of the devil is your wealthier dream; and I think if a man dream of that part that brings many to the devil, ’tis as good, and has all one smatch indeed, for if one be the flesh, th’ other’s the broth: so ’tis in all his members, and^[579] we mark it; if gluttony be the meat, lechery is the porridge; they’re both boiled together, and we clerks will have our modicum too, though it conclude in the twopenny chop.

Why, sir, signor Francisco!

Fran. 'Twas her voice sure,

Or my soul takes delight to think it was,

And makes a sound like her’s. [Aside.

Mar. Sir, I beseech you——

Fran. It is the prettiest-contriv’d building this!

What posy’s^[580] that, I prithee?

Mar. Which, sir? that

Under the great brass squirt?

Fran. Ay, that, sir, that.

Mar. From fire, from water, and all things amiss,

Deliver the house of an honest justice.

Fran. There’s like to be a good house kept then when fire and water’s forbidden to come into the kitchen.—

Not yet a sight of her! this hour’s unfortunate.—

[Aside.

And what’s that yonder, prithee?—O love’s famine,

There’s no affliction like thee! [Aside.]—Ay, I hear you, sir.

Mar. You’re quicker-ear’d than I then; you hear me

Before I heard myself.

347Fran. A gift in friendship;

Some call it an instinct.

Mar. It may be;

th’ other’s the sweeter phrase though. Look you, sir,

Mine own wit this, and ’tis as true as turtle;

A goose-quill and a clerk, a constable and a lantern,

Bring^[581] many a bawd from coach to cart, and many a thief to one turn.

Fran. That one turn help’d you well.

Mar. 'T has helped me to money indeed for many a warrant. I am forty dollars the better for that one turn; and^[582] 'twould come off quicker, 'twere ne’er a whit the worse for me. But indeed, when thieves are taken, and break away twice or thrice one after another, there’s my gains; then go^[583] out more warrants to fetch 'em again. One fine nimble villain may be worth a man ten dollars in and out a’ that fashion: I love such a one with my heart; ay, and will help him to ’scape too, and^[582] I can: hear you me that: I’ll have him in at all times at a month’s warning; nay, say I let him run like a summer nag all the vacation—see you these blanks? I’ll send him but one of these bridles, and bring him in at Michaelmas with a vengeance. Nothing kills my heart but when one of 'em dies, sir; then there’s no hope of more money: I had rather lose at all times two of my best kindred than an excellent thief, for he’s a gentleman I’m more beholding^[584] to.

Fran. You betray your mystery too much, sir.—Yet no comfort?

’Tis but her sight that I waste precious time for,

348For more I cannot hope for, she’s so strict;

Yet that I cannot have. [Aside.

Mar. I’m ready now, signor. Here are blank warrants of all dispositions; give me but the name and nature of your malefactor, and I’ll bestow him according to his merits.

Fran. This only is th’ excuse that bears me out,

And keeps off impudence and suspicion

From my too frequent coming. What name now

Shall I think on, and not to wrong the house?

This coxcomb will be prating. [Aside.]—One Astilio,^[585]

His offence wilful murder.

Mar. Wilful murder? O, I love a’ life^[586] to have such a fellow come under my fingers! like a beggar that’s long a-taking leave of a fat louse, I’m loath to part with him; I must look upon him over and over first. Are you wilful? i’faith, I’ll be as wilful as you then. [Writes.

[Philippa and Violetta appear above at

a window.

Phil. Martino!

Mar. Mistress?

Phil. Make haste, your master’s going.

Mar. I’m but about a wilful murder, forsooth;

I’ll despatch that presently.

Phil. Good morrow, sir.—O that I durst say more!

[Aside, and exit above with Violetta.

Fran. ’Tis gone again: since such are all life’s pleasures,

No sooner known but lost, he that enjoys 'em

The length of life has but a longer dream,

He wakes to this i’ th’ end, and sees all nothing.

[Philippa and Violetta appear again above.

349 Phil. He cannot see me now; I’ll mark him better

Before I be too rash. Sweetly compos’d he is;

Now as he stands he’s worth a woman’s love

That loves only for shape, as most on ’s do:

But I must have him wise as well as proper,^[587]

He comes not in my books else;^[588] and indeed

I’ve thought upon a course to try his wit.

Violetta.

Vio. Mistress?

Phil. Yonder’s the gentleman again.

Vio. O sweet mistress,

Pray give me leave to see him!

Phil. Nay, take heed,

Open not the window, and^[589] you love me.

Vio. No, I’ve the view of [his] whole body here, mistress,

At this poor little slit: O, enough, enough!

In troth, ’tis a fine outside.

Phil. I see that.

Vio. Has curl’d his hair most judiciously well.

Phil. Ay, there’s thy love now! it begins in barbarism. She buys a goose with feathers that loves a gentleman for’s hair; she may be cozened to her face, wench. Away: he takes his leave. Reach me that letter hither; quick, quick, wench.

[Violetta brings a letter, which Philippa

presently throws down.

Mar. [giving warrant to Francisco] Nay, look upon’t, and spare not: every one cannot get that kind of warrant from me, signor. Do you see this 350prick i’ th’ bottom? it betokens power and speed; it is a privy mark that runs betwixt the constables and my master: those that cannot read, when they see this, know ’tis for lechery or murder; and this being away, the warrant comes gelded and insufficient.

Fran. I thank you, sir.

Mar. Look you; all these are nihils;

They want the punction.

Fran. Yes, I see they do, sir.

There’s for thy pains [giving money]:—mine must go unrewarded:

The better love, the worse by fate regarded.

[Aside, and exit.^[590]

Mar. Well, go thy ways for the sweetest customer

that ever penman was blest withal! Now

will he come for another to-morrow again: if he

hold on this course, he will leave never a knave

i’ th’ town within this twelvemonth: no matter, I

shall be rich enough by that time.

Phil. Martino!

Mar. Say you, forsooth?

Phil. What paper’s that the gentleman let fall there?

Mar. Paper?—’Tis the warrant, I hope: if it be, I’ll hide it, and make him pay for’t again. No, pox; ’tis not so happy. [Aside.

Phil. What is’t, sirrah?

Mar. ’Tis nothing but a letter, forsooth.

Phil. Is that nothing?

Mar. Nothing in respect of a warrant, mistress.

351Phil. A letter? why, 't has been many a man’s undoing, sir.

Mar. So has a warrant, and^[591] you go to that, mistress.

Phil. Read but the superscription, and away with’t.

Alas, it may concern the gentleman nearly!

Mar. Why, mistress, this letter is at home already.

Phil. At home? how mean you, sir?

Mar. You shall hear, mistress [reads]:—To the deservingest of all her sex, and most worthy of his best respect and love, mistress Philippa Brandino.

Phil. How, sir, to me?

Mar. To you, mistress.

Phil. Run, as thou lov’st my honour and thy life,

Call him again; I’ll not endure this injury:—

But stay, stay, now I think on’t, ’tis my credit,

I’ll have your master’s counsel. Ah, base fellow,

To leave his loose lines thus! ’tis even as much

As a poor honest gentlewoman’s undoing,

Had I not a grave wise man to my husband:

And thou a vigilant varlet to admit

Thou car’st not whom!

Mar. 'Las, ’tis my office, mistress!

You know you have a kirtle every year,

And ’tis within two months of the time now;

The velvet’s coming over: pray be milder.

A man that has a place must take money of any body: please you to throw me down but half a dollar, and I’ll make you a warrant for him now; that’s all I care for him.

Phil. Well, look you be clear now from this foul conspiracy

352Against mine honour; or your master’s love to you,

That makes you stout, shall not maintain you here;

It shall not, trust to’t.

[Exit above, with Violetta.

Mar. This is strange to me now:

Dare she do this, and but eight weeks to new-year’s tide?

A man that had his blood as hot as her’s now

Would fit her with French velvet: I’ll go near it.

Enter Brandino and Philippa.

Phil. If this be a wrong to modest reputation,

Be you the censurer, sir, that are the master

Both of your fame and mine.

Bran. Signor Francisco!

I’ll make him fly the land.

Mar. That will be hard, sir:

I think he be not so well-feather’d, master;

Has spent the best part of his patrimony.

Phil. Hark of his bold confederate!

Bran. There thou’rt bitter;

And I must chide thee now.

Phil. What should I think, sir?

He comes to your man for warrants.

Bran. There it goes then.—

Come hither, knave: comes he to you for warrants?

Mar. Why, what of that, sir?

You know I give no warrants to make cuckolds:

That comes by fortune and by nature, sir.

Bran. True, that comes by fortune and by nature.—Wife,

Why dost thou wrong this man?

Mar. He needs no warrant, master, that goes about such business: a cuckold-maker carries always his warrant about him.

Bran. La, has he answer’d well now, to the full?

What cause hast thou t’ abuse him?

353Phil. Hear me out, I pray:

Through his admittance, has had opportunity^[592]

To come into the house, and court me boldly.

Bran. Sirrah, you’re foul again, methinks.

Mar. Who, I, sir?

Bran. You gave this man admittance into th’ house.

Mar. That’s true, sir: you ne’er gave me any order yet

To write my warrants i’ th’ street.

Bran. Why, sure thou tak’st delight

To wrong this fellow, wife, ha? 'cause I love him.

Phil. Pray, see the fruits; see what has left behind here:

Be angry where you should be: there’s few wives

Would do as I do.

Bran. Nay, I’ll say that for thee,

I ne’er found thee but honest.

Phil. She’s a beast

That ever was found otherways.

Bran. Read, Martino:

Mine eyes are sore already, and such business

Would put 'em out quite.

Mar. [reads letter] Fair, dear, and incomparable mistress——

Bran. O, every letter draws a tooth, methinks!

Mar. And it leads mine to watering.

Phil. Here’s no villany!^[593]

Mar. [reads] My love being so violent, and the opportunity so precious in your husband’s absence to-night, who, as I understand, takes a journey this morning——

354Bran. O plot of villany!

Phil. Am I honest, think you, sir?

Bran. Exactly honest, perfectly improv’d.^[594]—

On, on, Martino.

Mar. [reads] I will make bold, dear mistress, though your chastity has given me many a repulse, to wait the sweet blessings of this long-desired opportunity at the back gate, between nine and ten this night——

Bran. I feel this Inns-a’-court man in my temples!

Mar. [reads] Where, if your affection be pleased to receive me, you receive the faithfullest that ever vowed service to woman.—Francisco.

Bran. I will make Francisco smart for’t!

Phil. Shew him the letter, let him know you know him;

That will torment him: all your other courses

Are nothing, sir, to that; that breaks his heart.

Bran. The strings shall not hold long then.—Come, Martino.

Phil. Now if Francisco have any wit at all,

He comes at night; if not, he never shall. [Aside.

[Exeunt.