TRAMPS
Reading edition
["In spite of the demand for recruits, the number of tramps remain, undiminished."—Daily Paper.]
Why does not patriotic fire My all too torpid heart inspire With irresistible desire To seek the tented camp, sir, Where Glory, with her bronze V.C., Waits for the brave, perhaps for me? Because I much prefer to be A lazy, idle tramp, sir. I toil not, neither do I spin. For me, the laggard days begin Hours after all my kith and kin Are weary with their labours; The heat and burden of the day They bear, poor fools, as best they may, While I serenely smoke my clay And pity my poor neighbours. When Afric burns the trooper brown, By leafy lanes I loiter down Through Haslemere to Dorking town, Each Surrey nook exploring; Or 'neath a Berkshire hay-rick I At listless length do love to lie, And watch the river stealing by Between the hills of Goring. Why should I change these dear delights For toilsome days and sleepless nights, And red Bellona's bloody rites That bear the devil's stamp, sir? Let others hear the people cry "A hero he!"—I care not, I, So I may only live and die, A lazy, idle tramp, sir.
At a Country House.
"Well, my dear Admiral, and how did you sleep?"
"Not at all, General. Confounded butterfly flew in at the window, and was flopping around all night—couldn't get a wink of sleep."
"Ah, dashed dangerous things, butterflies!"
"PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL" (1875)
First Driver (after a long day). "The 'orse 'rtillery's a-getting quite aristercratic. It don't dine till eight o'clock!!"
Second Driver. "Stroikes me to-morrow the 'orse 'rtillery'll be too aristercratic to dine at all!!"
The Enemy.
Horrid Boy to newly-appointed Volunteer Major, (who finds the military seat very awkward). "Sit further back, General! You'll make his 'ead ache!"
Autumn Manœuvres.
No, this is not heroism; this is simply discretion. Little Plumpleigh has just given "Charge!" and taken one look behind to see if his men are "backing him up, don't you know," and he is now making for safety!
War-office Genius.
"Now this is another of my brilliant ideas, the shelter trench exercise. Of course, I know the trench is the wrong way about, and that, when they have finished it, they have to fire into the wood they are defending, and then turn about and charge away from the wood, but, then! we get a capital bank and ditch made round our plantations, with practically no expense!"
Mr. Punch. "And this is what you call instructing the Volunteers?"
First Bluejacket. "Well, matey, wot 'appened?"
Second Bluejacket. "Lieutenant, 'e reports as 'ow I were dirty, an' my 'ammick weren't clean, an' captin, 'e ses, 'Wash 'is bloomin' neck, scrub 'is bloomin' face, an' cut 'is bloomin' 'air, every ten minnits!'"
Volunteer Captain (acting Major first time). "Now then! What are you boys staring at? Did you never see a war-horse before?"
Boys (who had followed expecting a "spill.") "Aye—we've whiles seen a waur horse, but never a waur rider!"
Ad Valorem.
(Energetic Sub has been pursuing runaway mule). "Well done, old chap! You deserve the D.S.O. at least. What is it? Ammunition?" "Ammunition! D.S.O.!! V.C., you mean!!!! Why, it's bottled beer!!!!"
Money "Tight."
British Subaltern. "By-the-by, Smith, can you lend me that sovereign I gave you this morning for a Christmas-box?!"
Our Reserves.
Captain of Rural Corps (calling over the roll). "George Hodge!" (No answer.) "George Hodge!—Where on earth's George Hodge?"
Voice from the ranks. "Please, sir, he's turned dissenter, and says fighting's wicked."