CHAT À LA MODE

Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the stats of the Navy in a first-class compartment.

Brown. My dear fellows, I can assure you we are in a terrible condition of unpreparedness. If France was to declare war to-morrow we should be nowhere—absolutely nowhere!

Jones. You mean, of course, with Russia.

Robinson. Or was it Italy?

Brown. It doesn't matter which. I fancy that France alone could tackle us. Why, a man was telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was seized—as it might be—we should not get a ship-load of wood for months—yes, for months!

Jones. But what has Gibraltar to do with it?

Robinson. Why, of course, it guards our approaches to the Suez Canal.

Brown. Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But what we want is a hundred millions to be spent at once. Cobden said so, and I agree with Cobden.

Jones. But upon what?

Robinson. Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and subsidising the Ameer.

Brown. I don't think that sort of thing is of much importance. But if we had a hundred millions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase our coaling stations, and build new ships, and double the navy, and do all sorts of things.

Jones. But I thought we were fairly well off for coaling stations, had lots of ships on the stocks, and, with the assistance of our merchant marine, an ample supply of good sailors.

Robinson. That's what all you fellows say! But wait till we have a war, then you will see the fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should buy the entire fleet of the world. There should be no other competitor. Britannia should really rule the waves.

Brown. Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on anything and everything. And it's no use having further discussion because that was Cobden's view of it, and so it is mine.

Jones. Where is it to come from—out of the rates?

Brown and Robinson (together). Certainly not.

Jones. Or the taxes?

Brown and Robinson (as before). Don't be absurd.

Jones. Well, it must come from somewhere! Can you tell me where?

Robinson. Why should we?

Brown. Yes, why should we? Even Cobden didn't go so far as that, and——But, here we are at the station.

[Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation.

Easter Manœuvres.

Extract from Private Letter.—April 1.

"I'm afraid Milly and I have put our respective feet in it this time. We thought we would test our capacities at hospital work, and attach ourselves to pa's regiment—of course, without telling pa—and were getting along quite nicely with a soldier who wasn't very well, when we met pa and the General and his regiment. They took away the patient, and judging from pa's looks, there's a warm time coming."

SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS

The new helmet as ordinarily worn. The same, as worn on motor duty.

Directions:—Simply unhook the lower portion of the helmet; thereby extending the collapsible weather-and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as a disguise.

Flag Wagging

Sergeant of Signallers. "What ai's Murphy to-day? He don't seem able to take in a thing!"

Private Mulvaney. "Shall I signal to 'im, 'Will ye 'ave a drink?'?"

TU QUOQUE.

Army Candidate. "And I only muffed one thing in the geography paper. Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Macassar were!"

Fond Father. "Oh, I say, you ought to have known that. Fancy—the Straits of Macassar!"

Army Candidate. "Well, I didn't, anyhow. By the way, where are they, dad?"

Fond Father. "Oh—where are they? Oh—er—they're—well, they're—— but don't you think we'd better go to lunch?"

A HORSE-MARINE

Club Wag. "Well, good-night, Admiral."

Warrior. "There's a stupid joke. Admiral! Can't you see my spurs?"

Wag. "Oh, I thought they were your twin screws."

Sentry (on the simultaneous approach of two persons). "Who goes there?—two ways at once!"