THE NECESSARY KIT
Reading edition
["A housewife will now form part of the free kit of necessaries."—Army Order.]
It 'as long been my opinion, as a sodger and a man, That I couldn't get on proper, not without yer, Sairey Ann. Well, now 'ere's the latest horder—just yer take a read of it— That a housewife shall be a portion of the necessary kit. Oh, them horders! Ain't I cussed 'em! Oh, the shockin' words I've said! But now for once, my Sairey, I'm a-blessin' 'em instead. Yus, they misses pretty horfen, but at last they've made a hit, For yer going to be a portion of my necessary kit. They're to serve out housewifes gratis, an' I only 'opes, my pet, That they'll let us Tommies choose ourselves the gals we wants to get, 'Twould be takin' of the gildin' off the gingerbread a bit If I got yer mar, for instance, in my necessary kit. But we'll 'ope the best, my Sairey, though yer can't for certain tell, And I ain't got much opinion of them parties in Pall Mall, But for once they've put a bullet in the bull's eye, I'll admit, If they makes my Sairey portion of my necessary kit.
"Advance Notes" (Military).—The bugler's.
Boatswain (to newly-joined cadet). "Come, my little man, you mustn't cry on board of one of His Majesty's ships of war. Did your mother cry when you left?"
Cadet. "Yes, sir."
Boatswain. "Silly old woman! And did your sister cry?"
Cadet. "Yes, sir."
Boatswain. "Stupid little thing! And did your father cry?"
Cadet. "No, sir."
Boatswain. "'Ard-'earted old beggar!"
"A Little Knowledge."
Fair Visitor (with a thirst for military knowledge). "So all the kitchens are behind those buildings. How very interesting! And how many pounds of meat do your men eat a day?"
Gallant Major. "Really—er—I've no—er—idea, I'm sure, don't y'know."
Fair Visitor. "But I thought you were in the provisional battalion!"
Officer (to Irish sentry on guard tent). "Why don't you face your proper front, sentry?"
Sentry. "Sure, yer honour, the tint's round. Divil a front it's got!"
Sandhurst and its Messes.
General Bouncer (on a round of inspection at Sandhurst). "Augh! Can you tell me what 'mess' this is?"
Cadet. "Well, they call it 'mutton,' but I wouldn't vouch for it!"
A VOLUNTEER REVIEW (1865)
The portrait of Private O'Locker on finding his billet is at a teetotal hotel.
Explained.
Auntie (explaining morning manœuvres of His Majesty's Life Guards on their way to relieve guard at Whitehall). "Don't you see? There's two, and then there's one, and then there's the whole lot—and then there's two more!"
[Youthful niece sees.
Songs and their Singers.—Jack (singing at the top of his voice)—"There's only one girl in the world for me!"—Popular Song.
[According to the Daily Telegraph zebra mules have been introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes.
Would not their introduction—as above—into Whitehall lend a new and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene?