SUBSTITUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING
Reading edition
(Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men)
Lawyer. Tax my bill.
Doctor. Dash my draughts.
Soldier. Snap my stock.
Parson. Starch my surplice.
Bricklayer. I'll be plastered.
Bricklayer's Labourer. Chop my hod.
Carpenter. Saw me.
Plumber and Glazier. Solder my pipes. Smash my panes.
Painter. I'm daubed.
Brewer. I'm mashed.
Engineer. Burst my boiler.
Stoker. Souse my coke.
Costermonger. Rot my taturs.
Dramatic Author. Steal my French Dictionary.
Actor. I'll be hissed.
Tailor. Cut me out. Cook my goose.
Linendraper. Soil my silks. Sell me off.
Grocer. Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.
Baker. Knead my dough. Scorch my muffins.
Auctioneer. Knock me down.
"The Players are Come!"—First Player (who has had a run of ill-luck). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat.
Second Player. Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."
Something to Live For.—(From the Literary Club Smoking-room.) Cynicus. I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my reminiscences?
Amicus. Ah, but remember. "De mortuis nil nisi bonum."
Cynicus. Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them.
A Contradiction.—In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark.
A "Light" Repast.—A feast of lanterns.
R. A. Gems.
Fair Amateur (to carpenter). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?" Carpenter. "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"
Jones. "Do you drink between meals?"
Smith. "No. I eat between drinks."
Jones. "Which did you do last?"
Smith. "Drink."
Jones. "Then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once!"
NOCTURNE IN THE OLD KENT ROAD
"Largest Circulation in the World."—The elephant's.
The Worst Place in Thirsty Weather.—Taplow.
Inscription for an Old Clothes Shop.—"Nothing new."
"JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT"
(As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritone)
Literary Announcement.—In the press—yesterday's tablecloth.
The Height of Economy.—A "screw" of tobacco.
A BROKEN MELODY
Scene I.—Street Singer. "I fear no foe in shining ar——."
A BROKEN MELODY
Scene II.—Enter policeman.