A DIVISION OF LABOUR
Reading edition
["Journalism.—Gentleman (barrister) offers furnished bedroom in comfortable, cheerful chambers in Temple in return for equivalent journalistic assistance, &c."—Times.]
The "equivalent" is rather a nice point. Mr. Punch suggests for other gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence:—
1 furnished bedroom.= 1 introduction (by letter) to sub-editor of daily paper.
1 furnished bedroom with use of bath.= 1 introduction (personal) to sub-editor.
1 bed-sitting-room.= 1 introduction and interview (five minutes guaranteed) with editor.
2 furnished rooms.= 1 lunch (cold) with Dr. Robertson Nicoll.
2 furnished rooms, with use of bath.= 1 lunch (hot) with Dr. Nicoll and Claudius Clear.
1 furnished flat, with all modern conveniences, electric light, trams to the corner, &c.= 1 bridge night with Lord Northcliffe, Sir George Newnes, and Mr. C. A. Pearson.
When is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing? When he's regularly in the swing.
DRINK TO ME ONLY WITH THINE EYES
SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS
Little Griggs (to caricaturist). "By Jove, old feller, I wish you'd been with me this morning; you'd have seen such a funny looking chap!"
(Model wishing to say something pleasant.) "You must have painted uncommonly well when you were young!"
Dinner and Dress.—Full dress is not incompatible with low dress. At dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed enough. If young men are raw, that does not much signify but it is not nice to see girls underdone.
A Cheap Bath.—A farthing dip.
"Light Dues."—Photographers' charges.
"Lettered Ease."—The catalogue of the British Museum.
A Professional View of Things.—Trecalfe, our bookseller, who has recently got married, says of his wife, that he feels that her life is bound up in his.
TAVERN WINE MEASURE
2 sipsmake1 glass.
2 glasses make1 pint.
2 pintsmakes1 quart bottle.
1 bottlemakesone ill.
The Boarding-out System.—Dining at the club.
Mrs. Mashem. "Bull-bull and I have been sitting for our photographs as 'Beauty and the Beast'!"
Lord Loreus (a bit of a fancier). "Yes; he certainly is a beauty, isn't he?"]
Short Rules for Calculation.—To Find the Value of a Dozen Articles.—Send them to a magazine, and double the sum offered by the proprietor.
Another Way.—Send them to the butterman, who will not only fix their value, but their weight, at per pound.
To Find the Value of a Pound at any price.—Try to borrow one, when you are desperately hard up.
Member of the Lyceum Club. Have you read Tolstoi's "Resurrection"?
Member of the Cavalry Club. No. Is that the name of Marie Corelli's new book?
CONVIVIAL TOAST (For a Temperance Fête) Fill high: Drink L'eau.
First Reveller (on the following morning). "I say, is it true you were the only sober man last night?"
Second Reveller. "Of course not!"
First Reveller. "Who was, then?"
An Ugly Bargain.—A cheap bull-dog.
THE DUMAS CRAZE
Brown (who, with his friends Jones and Robinson, is in town for a week and is "going it"). "Now, Mr. Costumier, we are going to this 'ere ball, and we want you to make us hup as the Three Musketeers!"
A Cheerful Prospect.—Jones. "I say, Miss Golightly, it's awfully good of you to accompany me, you know. If I've tried this song once, I've tried it a dozen times—and I've always broken down in the third verse!"
Beyond Praise.—Roscius. "But you haven't got a word of praise for anyone. I should like to know who you would consider a finished artist?"
Criticus. "A dead one, my boy—a dead one!"
Stale News Freshly Told.—A physician cannot obtain recovery of his fees, although he may cause the recovery of his patient.
Dress may be seized for rent, and a coat without cuffs may be collared by the broker.
A married woman can acquire nothing, the proper tie of marriage making all she has the proper-ty of her husband.
You may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office, except the stamp of a gentleman.
Pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges, that if they were really pledges of affection, the interest taken could hardly be exceeded.
The Authors of our own Pleasures.—Next to the pleasure of having done a good action, there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written a good article!
Change for the Better.—When the organ nuisance shall have been swept away from our streets, that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture called the hurdy-gurdy will then (thank Parliament!) be known as the un-heardy-gurdy.
