Part 1 — From Sir Bartholomew—— to the Worshipful Serjeant S——. By the same Hand.

THE friendship that was between us formerly, equally obliges me to give you a relation of my travels, and assures me of its welcome. Since my peregrination from your factious regions, I have palled over various and stupendious lakes; the roads are somewhat dark indeed, but the continued exhalations of those amazing streams, make the travellers able to pass, without running foul of one another. But ’tis equally remarkable, considering the length and darkness of the passage, that no person was ever cast away on this river Styx, as I am credibly inform’d by the ferryman, who has ply’d here time out of mind. The dogs are pretty rife in this country, and full as insufferable as ever they were among you: I unfortunately forgot my lozenge-box, and have much impair’d my lungs; but they assure me, that these defluxions of rheums never kill. ’Tis prodigious, I protest, brother, to see how soon we learn the language, or rather jargon of the place! how fast they come in from all parts of the habitable world! And yet there is but one boat neither, and that no bigger than above-bridge-wherry. At my coming ashoar, I was very familiarly entertain’d, and directed to an apartment in Cocytus: But there was not one corner in all my passage, but I met some or other of the wrangling fraternity of Westminster. I immediately suggested to myself, that there might be (peradventure) a call of serjeants by his majesty Pluto, who is sovereign of these gloomy regions; and who besides his general residence here, has a most magnificent palace about twenty miles off, at Erebus, on the side of the river Phlegethon. He is one of a somewhat stern aspect, not easy of access; haughty in his deportment, and barbarous to the last degree in his nature. There is no sort of people he sets so much by, as those of our profession, tho’ I have not heard of any lawyer that had the honour to be in his cellar as yet. Our old friend and fellow-toper judge D—— has very good business here, upon my word, as likely to be preferr’d, as vacancies happen; for ’tis always term-time in this kingdom throughout; and besides, when he had his quietus sent him by the hands of Sir Thin-chops Mors, you and I remember very well, that he had not the best reputation for a man of parts. In the crowd of our pains-taking brethren in the litigious school, I remark’d an innumerable quantity that I was not quite an utter stranger to their faces, more particularly, Mr. Fil——, who, you know, did not want for sense, wit, law, and good manners; and yet had so profound a genious, that he could dispatch more business, and more wine in one night’s time, than Bob. Weeden would have wish’d for a patrimony: He very humanly accosted me, and after a million of mutual civilities, he forced me to accept of my mornings draught with him. At night you know, I never refuse my bottle; but for morning tippling, it was always my aversion, my abomination, my hatred, my noli me tangere: Besides, the dismal prospect of the place, gave me many shrewd suspicions, that those taverns were not furnish’d with the best accommodations, neither for man’s meat, or horse meat either; not that I had the vanity to take my coach with me neither, but ’tis to use an old proverb, that as yet I have not blotted out of my memory. I had hardly disengag’d myself from his civilities, but Mr. Nicholas Hard— mighty gravely admonish’d me of his former familiarity, and with an air that was no ways contumelious, desir’d to know how F—— preach’d, and Burg—— pray’d; whether the grave Dr. W—— continued his pious endeavours to convert the martyr’d men of his parish from the crying and heinous sin of ebriety; and yet at the same instant almost, to contrive plausible ways and means of perverting the modest and chaste propensities of their respective wives; and while they would not quietly let their husbands be (by accident of good company, or good wine) beasts, for but a few transitory nocturnal hours, could yet drive to make them so beyond a possibility of redress; for amongst friend, (brother) what collateral security can an honest, prudent, wary, wise, good, upright, understanding, cautious, indulgent, loving husband take, when that same godly man in black twirls his primitive band-strings, and with his other hand has your dear spouse, your help-mate, the wife of your bosom, the partner of your bed, by the conscience, and somewhat else that begins with the same letter? ’Twas not want of leisure, (for alas! and alack) we have supernumerary hours here; but pretended curiosity, (the last thing that dies with us but hypocrisy) made me cut short the harangue, that this precise attorney seem’d by his demureness to expect from me: So, in short, I told him, that his fellow-companions at six o’ clock prayers had not forgot him; and by what I could understand from those that were last with me, the pew-keeper lamented his loss extreamly: nay, was inconsolable, for now he was forced to use a pailful of water extraordinary once a week more in the church than formerly; because he had gotten to such a perfection in hypocrisy, that what his knees did not rub clean, his eyes always wash’d clean: but for his father’s comfort, since he was got clear of his super-tartarian concern, money was fallen, and his dearest darling sin of all, extortion, was not a little under the hatches: but that he might not be quite cast down, there was some seeds of it left still, that would always keep old Charon well employ’d. I had hardly bless’d myself for having got rid of him, but a merry fellow (not to say impertinent and sawcy to one of my capacity, volubility, and eloquence; character, conduct, and reputation) pull’d me by the coif; but as in strange places ’tis prudence to pass by small affronts and indignities, because want of acquaintance is worse than want of knowledge; and the law, you know brother, is not so expensive, as it is captious in the main; not but that our industry does help it mightily to the one, if we find it to be the other. Now who should this Caitiff be, but Harry C——ff the attorney; and all his mighty business was to know how his laundress did; and if the maid got the better of her in the legacy he gave her for her last consolations. Before I could recollect the secret history of his amours, I was very courteously address’d by Mr. Common Serjeant C——p, who likewise in a florid stile, requested me to inform him, if any of his modern bawds, that so punctually attended him, had suffer’d any prejudice by his absence: He was mightily in doubt of their success, because experience had taught him, that paupers in matters of law proceed but heavily; however, he could but wish them well, because that tho’ they were bad clients, he had always found them good procurators—— My lady Tysiphone made a sumptuous entertainment, and the countess of Clotho danc’d smartly; the king of Spain resented mightily that so many English were there, and had almost bred a quarrel; but Don Sebastian king of Portugal, made up the matter, by declining the Spanish faction, and said, it was highly unjust that the English should be male-treated in their universal interest, because he was a fool, and the cardinal that made his will a knave, and the king of France a tyrant. But the catastrophe of this fit of the spleen of the supercilious Spaniard was comical enough; for in the crowd that was come together upon the notice of his heart-burning, who should stumble upon one another but Godfrey Wood—— the attorney, who you may remember (brother) was committed for saying to a certain lord chancellor, that he was his first maker; tho’ the truth of the matter was, their intimacy at play made him presume to beg the small favour of his lordship, to pass an unjust decree in favour of his client. Well, Sir, said the attorney to his lordship, now you are without your mace, I must tell you, that had not you invited me to supper the same day you sent me to the Fleet, I should have taken the freedom to have let you known, that in this king’s dominions we are all equal. I left ’em hard at all-fours for a quart of Acheron, where they bite their nails like mad, and divert others with their passion and concern—— But the postillion is mounting, and I must defer the rest of my adventurers to the next opportunity.

The End of the first Part.