CHAP. XXXI. Guzman’s adventure with a large Hog, and its consequences.

My mind being too much agitated to allow me to sleep, I could not close my eyes; all my thoughts were engrossed by the adventure which had just happened to me. I attributed every thing to the vengeance of Fabia, whom I concluded to be a miracle of chastity, and judged that in order to undeceive the Ambassador, she had given his envoy this gallant reception. But I knew that this affair would raise a laugh with every body at my expense, and this vexed me more than all the rest. I was also at a loss to know in what way I should inform my master of the story, which sooner or later I was sure must come to his knowledge.

When the warmth of the bed had again put my half stagnated blood into circulation, I put on another suit of clothes in the place of that which the rain had honored with so fine a trimming, and presented myself before the Ambassador as though nothing had happened. I waited until he should question me, as he always did after he had finished dinner. He called me into his closet, when he said to me: “What is the reason Guzman of my not having seen you this morning? I expected you to give me an account of what took place last night at Fabia’s house. I am afraid you have but indifferent news to tell me.” “It is true, my lord,” answered I, “that my news is not the best in the world. I know not what to think of Fabia. I passed the whole of the night in the street, without hearing from or seeing either the lady or the maid. Would to heaven that you had never undertaken this affair!” “How comes it Guzman,” replied he, “that you are so soon discouraged? some unseasonable mischance perhaps has prevented Fabia from seeing you as she designed, and of which the maid might have been unable to inform you. Do not be disheartened, however, but return to-night to the same place where you waited for Nicoleta before.” I promised my master faithfully to obey his commands. A groom met me as I came out of his Excellency’s closet, and brought me a letter from a lady, he said, who had desired him to deliver it to me. ’Twas from the waiting maid. She was very much surprised, she informed me, that I had not seen her yet to communicate what passed last night between her mistress and myself; however, that I might make amends for my fault, I had only to repair towards evening to the lane behind Fabia’s house, where we could enjoy a private conversation through the well known little window. My hopes were raised on the perusal of this billet. At six in the evening I took care to be in the lane, which as I have already remarked was extremely narrow, and filled every where with mud up to one’s ancles. My dulcinea was waiting for me at the window, and at first began to reproach me sharply; but her tone was soon changed on my making an exact recital of what I had suffered, and she began to condole with me on my accident. The trick her mistress had put upon me seemed to excite in her the utmost surprise, and in spite of my prejudice against her, she almost persuaded me that she had no share in it. During this conversation, in order to shew my politeness and get nearer the window, I had raised myself up by standing on two stones, which exposed me to a new misfortune which my kickless fate inflicted upon me, as will appear in the sequel. While I was engrossed by the conversation, and thinking of nothing less than of the accident that was about to befal me, a cursed hog, of monstrous size, and covered with filth, rushed out of his sty, and ran between my legs, in so furious a manner, that he fairly carried me off on his back.

You may easily imagine the fine entertainment it afforded the spectators, who were but too numerous, as that part is generally filled with people, to see a man of my figure and dress gallop at full speed out of such a filthy place, mounted on an immense hog, grunting in the most horrid manner imaginable, covered with mud from head to foot, and clinging most lovingly to his neck, for fear I should break an arm or a leg against the wall, my hat and fine plume of feathers the devil knew where, as they had fallen off into the mud; all this I say, presented the passengers with a scene so comical, that they laughed, shouted, and made so much noise, that my accursed Bucephalus became more furious than ever. At last, not relishing the ardour with which I embraced him, he gave so violent a plunge, that he quickly got rid of his troublesome rider, for whom he took care to choose a soft bed after so fatiguing an exercise, as he deposited me in the very muddiest place possible: just at the entrance of the Square Navonne. Heavens! what a hue and cry was raised after me; an infinite number of all sorts of people surrounded me, and insulted my misfortune by a thousand scurvy witticisms, which I suffered in silence; overcome by shame and confusion, I thought of nothing but escaping into some house, and at last took shelter in one which seemed likely to afford me an asylum. I ran in, and slammed the door in the face of the scoundrels who hunted me so unmercifully. They did nothing but cry to the people of the house to turn me out again; and any one, to see their fury in persecuting me, would have concluded that I had committed some enormous crime which had brought on me this exemplary punishment. To crown my misfortune, the master of the house in which I had taken refuge, did not seem much inclined to take my part against the insolent rabble. As he was a jealous old fellow, and took every shadow for a gallant, he took it into his wise head to fancy that the lamentable pickle in which I entered his house was nothing but a trick I had made use of to cover the delivering of some amorous message. Filled with this preposterous idea, he attacked me with the most vehement language, and, seconded by his domestics, who followed his example, he kicked me out of his house, after their fists had bestowed on me a very sound drubbing. Behold me then a second time delivered into the power of these merciless jesters, who running after me as fast as I ran from them, renewed their jokes and insults. I had invoked every Saint in the Calendar, when Heaven taking pity upon me, sent to my assistance a young Spaniard, who kindly offered me his services, and those of three or four Italians who accompanied him. With their assistance (of which Heaven knows I stood in need), I escaped from my persecutors, while the Spaniard and his companions making use of the flat side of their swords, soon put them to flight. I made all the speed possible towards our Hotel, caring little for the snarling dogs that snapped at my heels in every street I ran through. At last I was lucky enough to reach home safe and sound, excepting a few bruises. I was even so fortunate as to reach my chamber door without meeting with a soul; but in vain did I search my pockets over and over again,—no key could I find, and I concluded that as I drew out my handkerchief to wipe my face, I had let it fall in the house where I had so unluckily taken refuge. “Ah! miserable wretch,” cried I to myself, “to what purpose have you extricated yourself from this embarrassment, if you cannot conceal it from the servants of the Ambassador? if any one should perceive you in your present pickle, he will inform the others, and you will become the jest of the house for months to come.” At last, after a long deliberation, I resolved to implore the assistance of one of my comrades, whose room was next to mine, and who had professed a great deal of good-will towards me. I went and rapped at the door of his room. He opened it, but seeing me so finely decorated, could not refrain from a roar of laughter, which burst from him in spite of his teeth. I was compelled to bear it all with patience. “My good friend,” said I, “when you have indulged your mirth sufficiently, I will request that you will do me the favor to go and fetch a locksmith to open my chamber door.” “I will go directly,” answered he, “but first do gratify my curiosity; tell me how this accident happened to you, I promise you never to reveal it to any living soul.” To get rid of so inquisitive a man, I invented and told him a story, in which there was not one word of truth: and as soon as I had finished, begged of him to go for the smith. It was with the utmost unwillingness that he left me in his chamber, he was so apprehensive that I should soil his furniture, that tired as I was, he obliged me to promise, in the most solemn manner, that I would not approach it, but that I would stand up at a distance until his return. Fortunately for me he returned in a very short time with a locksmith, who opened my door in a twinkling, and I made all the haste possible to change my clothes and linen, and thoroughly wash my face and hands of the filth that covered them.

I had scarcely got rid of my muddy decoration, when I was informed that the Ambassador wanted to speak to me. He had already heard the catastrophe of the hog. In the houses of men of rank, there are always servants who are ready enough to pay court to their masters by betraying their fellows. But my master had heard a very inaccurate account of this adventure. So he directly inquired of me how the accident happened, and whether it might not be attributed to the revenge of the husband of Fabia. I was delighted at his giving me himself so fine an opportunity for inventing a lie. I told him that two tall stout lubbers of footmen, having observed me talking to Nicoleta in the lane, had thought proper to begin joking me on the subject; that I had answered them; that from words we proceeded to blows, and that in all probability I should have killed one of them at least, had it not happened fortunately for him, that a hog rushed furiously out of an inclosure near the spot, which running against me had thrown me into the mud; and that when I sprang up again to renew the engagement, my enemies had taken to their heels in the most cowardly manner. His Excellency was completely duped by this bragging recital. But though for that evening he was imposed upon, the very next morning he learnt the whole truth, and at dinner time I did not fail to hear of it. He bantered me pretty severely on my encounter with the footmen, and honored me with the title of “The Knight of the Hog.” I should have been the first to laugh at his jests if we had been by ourselves, but the other servants were present, and of course highly delighted to see me so jeered by my master, as they augured from that circumstance, that I should soon cease to be his favorite. Another circumstance still more vexatious occurred shortly after; one of the Ambassador’s friends (who was consequently one of my enemies), waited upon him, to communicate, as he said, a very important affair. My master requested him to explain himself, which he did in these words, or at least in terms of the same import: “The warm interest I take in every thing that concerns you, compels me to inform you of a report which is circulated in Rome, very much to your disadvantage. Guzman, whose conduct is really very bad, passes for the agent of your pleasures. The adventure of the hog is become the general topic of conversation, and scandal has gone so far as to assert that Guzman was employed in the execution of some love embassy when he became the sport of the populace.”

It may be conceived that these words made a very great impression on the mind of such a man as the Ambassador, who knew so well what became the dignity of his character and the honor of the Prince whom he represented. From that moment he resolved to get rid of me; and though at that time he took no notice of it, and behaved towards me as usual, I knew him too well, not to perceive that he dissembled, and what turn my affairs were likely to take in that quarter. The season of Lent, which now approached, furnished him with a plausible pretext to put in practice the design he had formed of estranging me more from his person.

He said “that he was resolved to quit his course of dissipation and libertinism, and live a more regular life. I will even confess to you,” added he, “that I have abandoned my designs on Fabia. My reason is restored. I see the great impropriety I committed in attempting the seduction of that lady; her husband is one of the first men in Rome, and I shall never cease to reproach myself with having meditated the dishonor of his wife.” He discoursed with me frequently in this style, and I pretended to believe him. I did more, I applauded his resolution, and in my turn counterfeited the repentant sinner; telling him, that I would follow his example. In fact, I altered my conduct, and made all kinds of hypocritical grimaces, to induce the servants, and particularly my master, to think that I had abandoned love intrigues for ever.