CHAP. XXVI. Guzman becomes page to the Cardinal, and commits a thousand mischievous tricks in his service.

Thus did I all of a sudden become a page. This was in truth a fine leap for me, although between knave and page there is no difference but their dress, for their propensities are precisely the same; it served, however, to amuse me, and prevented my growing idle, though I felt like a fish out of water in my new employment. As a beggar I was in my element; accustomed to the soups of Egypt, I felt myself at home no where but in the tavern. I was, therefore, by no means pleased by the life I led in this house, where every thing was regulated by rule and compass; where at one time I was employed with a flambeau in my hand running up or down stairs, to light our visitors as they entered or left the house, and at another was obliged to dance attendance in the ante-chamber, kicking my heels there for about two hours, until I received my orders. Always in readiness to follow carriages by night as well as by day, or to wait at table and devour with my eyes only all the dishes that were served up; in a word, it was necessary for me to be at hand on all occasions, and that not for a few days only, but from the first day of January to the last of December.

Ah! miserable slave, you will naturally say, what profit could you possibly derive during a year of so much trouble? alas! I must answer, I was servant to every body; a fine coat was certainly given me, but that not so much for my own use as my lord’s honour. I got nothing in this service but the itch and severe colds, except some ends of flambeaux which I stole and sold to the cobblers; and it was necessary to be very cautious to commit even these little thefts with impunity. Woe to us pages if we were ever caught in the fact; we were sure to get well lashed. Besides the pieces of wax that we cut off the flambeaux, we sometimes lay our hands upon some tit-bits that were served up at table, which we ate in private. But such tricks as these required more dexterity than was possessed by any of my comrades; and a pretty accident befel one of these silly fellows. As he was clearing away the dishes after having waited at table, he thought proper to steal some honey fritters, which he wrapped up hastily in his handkerchief, and crammed into his pocket. The fritters being very hot, and pent up in so close a place, began to discharge their honey, which ran all down the poor page’s leg. Ill-luck directed the Cardinal’s eyes that way, who, guessing at first sight what it was, began to laugh most heartily. “Page,” said he, addressing himself to this simpleton, “I perceive blood trickling down your legs; are you any where wounded?” At this question, all the company, which was very numerous, and even the servants, turned about to look at the culprit’s leg, and the poor devil of a page stood confused and mortified, knowing that his crime was discovered. Happy for him had he been let off for the shame of enduring the extreme laughter which he excited, but he paid much more dearly the next day for his fritters, the honey of which was but sour to him.

Most of my other comrades were as green as this one when I was first received among them; and as I could not refrain from following my old habits, I employed myself in robbing them of whatever they had worth stealing, in spite of all the pains they took to secure themselves from my clutches. This soon taught them to be rather more vigilant. Our master kept, in a closet adjoining his own bed-chamber, a large chest, filled with all sorts of dried sweetmeats, which he was extremely fond of. In this chest, among other things, were prunes from Genoa, bergamot-pears from Aranjuez, melons from Grenada, citrons from Seville, oranges from Placentia, lemons from Murcia, cucumbers from Valencia, love-apples from Toledo, peaches from Arragon, and raisins from Malaga. In short, the most delicious sweetmeats and dried fruits of every description were to be found in this enviable chest, which never failed to make my mouth water whenever his Eminence gave me the key to get some out for him. On such occasions, however, he always took good care to be present himself, distrusting, as I supposed, my thieving disposition. I was much mortified at this suspicion, which only served to excite my desire, which was already strong enough, to have a taste of these fine preserves, and not being able any longer to resist the temptation, I thought of nothing but the means of gratifying my inclination. The chest was about a yard wide, and two yards and a half long, and had only one lock in the middle. Seeing this, I procured a wooden wedge, and raised a corner of the lid, by which means I made an opening large enough to admit my arm; but as I could then only choose such sweetmeats as lay within my reach, I fastened a hook to the end of a long stick, with the assistance of which I had the pleasure of picking and choosing where I pleased. Thus I made myself complete master of the chest without having the key of it.

Notwithstanding the great quantity of fruits in the chest, my stick was so frequently at work that they began to diminish apace. The Cardinal observed large holes here and there, which did not much please him; but one day being desirous to taste a very fine citron which he had taken particular notice of the preceding evening, what was his astonishment when he found it flown? He summoned his principal officers before him, and told them he was determined to know which of his domestics had been so insolent as to open his chest and touch the fruits he so much prized, charging his major-domo, a sour ill-natured priest, to leave no stone unturned to find out the thief. Suspicion fell upon the pages, and we were ordered to assemble in the hall, where we were searched, one after another; but to no purpose were our pockets ransacked, in vain were we threatened, for I had long ere this not only eaten the citron but digested it.

This affair soon blew over, and no more was said of it. The Cardinal, however, had not forgotten it, and I was obliged to be so much on my guard that I did not venture to pay another visit to my favourite chest, even to look at it, for several days. This vexed me exceedingly; for I had acquired a particular relish for his Eminence’s sweetmeats, and so far from thinking of giving them up, was waiting anxiously for the first opportunity of having another touch at them. One day, therefore, while the Cardinal was engaged at play with some other Cardinals after dinner, I doubted not that I should have abundance of leisure to resort to my old sport again. Quite confident of this, I ran for my tools, which I had hid in a snug place, and glided into the closet without being perceived by any one. Scarcely had I raised the lid and thrust in my arm, when his Eminence entered the chamber, and finding neither of his pages there, assisted himself to what he wanted. I heard him, and endeavoured to release my arm with so much haste and fear that I struck the wedge out with my elbow, and the lid fell on my arm, so that I was caught like a bird in a trap. The Cardinal, hearing the noise, began to be alarmed for his sweetmeats, and entered the closet immediately, where he found me in this ludicrous situation: “Ah! ah! friend Guzman,” cried he, “is it then you who rob me of my sweetmeats?” The grimaces that I made at finding myself so fairly caught were so ridiculous that he could not restrain his laughter. He even called the other Cardinals that they might enjoy my confusion, who left off playing and ran up immediately; and after they had diverted themselves for some time at my expence, they entreated him to forgive me this time, saying that they were convinced I should not again transgress. But my master was inexorable: all that their prayers could obtain for me was, that I should receive only a dozen lashes instead of four-and-twenty, which I had so richly deserved. This chastisement could not be remitted; and the major-domo, signor Nicola, my mortal enemy, was charged to inflict it in his own apartment; which duty he acquitted himself of with such hearty good will, that I was scarcely able to stir for above a fortnight after.

It was not many days, however, before I was avenged on him for this hard usage. You must know that this chanced to be just the season for mosquitos, with which Rome was more than usually swarmed that year. Signor Nicola, who loved his ease, was complaining one day in my presence how much he was annoyed in his bed by these troublesome companions. “Signor,” said I, “you will have only yourself to blame if you are not quickly rid of them for ever. In Spain we have an infallible secret to secure ourselves from being plagued by these insects, which, if you please, I shall be happy to communicate to you.” “You will oblige me beyond measure,” answered Nicola. “You have only,” replied I, with a serious countenance, “to lay at your bed’s-head a good bunch of parsley well steeped in vinegar, of which these vermin are extremely fond, and which is sure to kill them.”

He believed me, and tried the experiment that very night, but it had a very different effect, for he found himself assailed more cruelly than ever, and was even fearful that they would have eaten his nose off or torn out his eyes, and had given himself a thousand violent thumps on the face during the night to get rid of them. Thus had he fought with them until daylight, when he found that he had not come very victoriously off, for that even of such of his enemies as he thought he had crushed, very many had escaped. I did not fail to go into his chamber to see him the first thing in the morning, and his swoln eyes quickly assured me of the success of my plan. He told me how he had been tormented, saying that my secret was not worth a farthing. I affected great astonishment. “You cannot then,” said I, “have left the parsley long enough in the vinegar, or the vinegar you were supplied with must have been very weak and bad; for I assure you, that by carrying a bunch of parsley prepared in the same manner into my own chamber, I have entirely cleared it of these troublesome guests, who were there in swarms before I used this remedy.” The major-domo was fool enough to believe me again, and left a whole bundle of parsley to soak for above six hours in the strongest vinegar he could procure, and then not only put it into his bed, but scattered it all over his chamber. God knows what furious attacks he was therefore exposed to: I verily believe that all the mosquitos in the neighbourhood poured down in legions upon him to devour him, and made so furious an assault, that they left him like a leper all over his body. What a thrashing would he have given me had he met me on the following day! but his Eminence, to prevent accident, called us both into his presence, desiring him not to treat me harshly on the occasion, and at the same time gave me a slight reprimand, though he could scarcely restrain his laughter at the success of my scheme. “For what reason,” said the good prelate, “have you played such a scurvy trick upon Signor Nicola?” “My Lord,” replied I, “for no other reason than that when he had orders to give me a dozen lashes for my exploit among the sweetmeats, he accommodated me with more than twenty on his own account. I have only, therefore, avenged my scars by those I have inflicted on him.

Thus ended this notable affair. Ever since my unlucky adventure of the sweetmeat-chest, I had been discharged from the chamber of the pages. The flogging I got was not the only way in which I was punished, for I had been passed into the Chamberlain’s department, to serve among the foot-boys until I had sufficiently atoned for my offence to be reinstated in my former post. The Chamberlain was a man of honour and sincerity, but rather too scrupulous, and even inclined to be visionary. He had several relations in the neighbourhood, who were very virtuous girls, but so poor, that he would send every day two thirds of his own meals to enable them to subsist. He went occasionally to dine or sup with them. This afforded an opportunity to the officers of the family, and especially our Major-domo, to rally him before his Eminence, who was greatly diverted by it.

One night when the Chamberlain came home after having dined with his relations, finding himself rather indisposed, he retired into his own chamber and went to bed. The Cardinal not seeing him at supper, inquired after him. “My Lord,” said one of the servants, “he is not very well.” The Cardinal, who was anxious to know what could ail him, sent one of his gentlemen to see, who returned with a report that the Chamberlain only required a good night’s rest, and that he doubted not he would be perfectly well again by the morning. This passed off well enough; but the Secretary Nicola, who was always ready to pick a hole in the Chamberlain’s coat, having learnt the next morning that he was much better, caused one of the pages to be dressed up in a young woman’s clothes, who, with the assistance of a bribe to one of the foot-boys, introduced himself into the bed-room while the Chamberlain was fast asleep, and glided to the side of the bed where he was concealed by the curtains. Immediately after this the Secretary went to wait on the Cardinal, who inquired after the invalid the first thing. “He has passed but an indifferent night, I understand,” answered Nicola, “but is much better this morning.” The Cardinal, who loved all his domestics as a father loveth his children, resolved, upon hearing this, to go and see the Chamberlain himself, who was disturbed from his slumbers to be apprised of the honour intended him.

His Eminence then entered the sick man’s chamber, and sat down on a chair at the side of the bed; but scarcely was he seated, when he saw the metamorphosed page slip suddenly from the bed-side, who counterfeiting, most naturally, the embarrassed female anxious to escape, got off at length crying, “Oh! good God, I am ruined for ever! what must his Eminence think of me!” The Cardinal, who had not been prepared for this scene, and who believed his Chamberlain to be a religious steady man, appeared to be extremely surprised at this sight; but great as his astonishment was, it amounted to nothing in comparison with that of our visionary Chamberlain, who, as if just roused from a most horrible dream, cried aloud, that it was assuredly the Devil himself come to tempt him in the shape of a woman. This idea caused so excessive an agitation of his spirits that he could scarcely be restrained from leaping out of bed in his shirt before his Eminence, and taking to his heels. As all the servants who were present were privy to the Secretary’s design, they could not avoid laughing, from which the Cardinal soon perceived that it was only a trick upon his Chamberlain, and had the goodness to relieve his distress by undeceiving him himself. After which he retired.

All this was just over when I reached home, having been out on different commissions the whole of the morning. Finding the worthy Chamberlain very low-spirited on my return, I enquired the cause, and he related the whole affair to me, saying he had no doubt that Nicola was at the bottom of it. “I would willingly, my dear Guzman,” added he, “most willingly sacrifice one of my eyes to be amply avenged on him for this plot, and with your assistance I doubt not I may be able to return him a ‘roland for his oliver.’ A knowing shaver like you will soon devise some good trick to play him.” “I must confess,” answered I, “that were I in your place, the Secretary should have no occasion to go to the Pope for absolution; I would make him do sufficient penance for his trick. Remember, however, that he is my superior, and it is not for me to interfere with officers who are above me. If I was excused for the trick I played master Nicola on my own account, it was only because what I did was to revenge myself for his former cruel conduct towards me.”

In vain did I represent to the enraged Chamberlain, that I dared not take up his cudgels, lest I should repent it; he would admit of no excuse. His prayers, my great friendship for him, the mortal hatred I had for the Secretary, and above all my natural propensity to mischief, determined me at length to espouse his cause. “Well then,” said I, “leave it to me, I will undertake to make my talents useful to you. All I require of you is, to behave towards the Secretary as though you had not the most distant thought that he was the author of the late plot.” The Chamberlain, simple as he was, played his part so well, that all the servants thought he had forgiven all that had passed.

In the meantime I was on the alert in preparing every thing to keep my promise. I bought some rosin, mastic, and frankincense, reduced the whole into a powder, and mixed them well together in a paper packet which I kept in my pocket until an opportunity presented itself of making use of it. This offered itself very opportunely a few days after. It was the Spanish post-day, and Mr. Secretary being very much engaged, I went to his apartment in the morning, and entered his wardrobe where his servant was. “James,” said I, “my dear fellow, I have a loaf and a fine slice of fried ham below. I want but a bottle of wine to make a good breakfast. If you can supply this, you shall share with me; otherwise I must look for some one else.” “Mr. Guzman,” answered James, his eyes sparkling with joy, “I am your man; I can easily get you a bottle of the very best wine, and if you will but wait here I shall be with you again in an instant.” Thus saying he disappeared, leaving me master of the wardrobe. Then looking about for his master’s breeches, for I knew the Secretary did not put them on in the morning, having slipped on his dressing gown over his shirt that he might write more at his ease. I perceived them on the back of a chair. I took them up and turned them inside out, and after having strewed my powders all over the inside of them, I replaced them exactly as I found them. James soon returned with the wine, but scarcely had we begun breakfast when his master called him to assist in dressing, and detained him in his room so long that I was obliged to find another to share my bottle with me, waiting most anxiously for the time when I should have the pleasure of seeing my composition operate.

It had its full effect at the Cardinal’s dinner, where there were a number of visitors that day. As we were in the middle of the dog-days, the extreme heat of the weather was very favorable to my trick. Mr. Nicola was in waiting in the parlour with the other officers. I soon remarked by his distortions that he felt a great itching in a part of his body where through respect he dared not put his hand. He knew not how to keep his countenance, and unfortunately, the more he shrugged himself about the more he increased the pain. As he was naturally as hairy as a bear, the powder stuck in his hair and flesh, and twitched him like the points of a thousand needles. This was not all, for the Cardinal having some orders to give him, called him, and whilst in the act of whispering to him, his Eminence was obliged to stop his nose all at once, saying: “What on earth have you about you, that you smell so strong of rosin and frankincense?” The Secretary coloured at these words, and stood farther off from his master, who, perceiving that almost all my comrades, whom the Chamberlain had let into the secret, were whispering and laughing among themselves, began to suspect that I had been at my tricks again. As I stood very near to him looking very demurely all the while; “Guzman,” said he, “what is the fun now that seems to cause so much tittering?” “I know not indeed,” answered I, “unless it be on account of our Secretary’s having taken a laxative draught composed of turpentine this morning.” The Cardinal laughed most heartily, and the whole table followed his example. Nicola now began to see through the business, and not being any longer able to endure the jeers and laughters with which the dining parlour resounded at his expence, took to his heels with a precipitation which redoubled the pleasure of the company. After he had left the room, the Cardinal, impatient to know what was really the matter, addressed himself to the Chamberlain, who concealed nothing from him. This adventure established my reputation in the palace as a most formidable character.

After having been banished two months from the chamber of the pages, I was at length recalled and re-established in my former post, the duties of which I resumed with as much effrontery as if nothing had happened. This brought to my mind a fable which you have doubtless heard, of the Air, the Water, and Shame, who having kept company together for some time, and being at length obliged to part, were desirous to know where they should see each other again. Quoth the Air, “you will always find me on the top of mountains;” “and I, without fail,” said the Water, “may always be found in the bowels of the earth.” “As for me,” said Shame sighing, “if I am once parted with, it is impossible to meet with me again.” Nothing can be more true: in my own case I felt it, for I was now no longer susceptible of shame at the commission of a bad action; the only shame I felt was in being detected. In short, I was so naturally disposed to knavery, that I really believe I would have thrown myself headlong from the top of the Castle of St. Angelo, if I saw any thing at the bottom worth stealing.

As the good Cardinal was a great lover of sweetmeats, especially of those that came from the Canaries in barrels, he would always send for more when his stock was out; and when the barrels were empty they became the property of the first servant who took possession. One fell to my share in this manner, in which I kept my handkerchiefs, cards, dice, and other effects of a poor page. One day a man called to inform his Eminence that a merchant had just received twelve barrels of fruits of this description. The Cardinal ordered them for himself. I heard this order given, and said within myself, it shall go hard but I have one of them. I retired to my chamber to consider how I could make myself master of one, and resolved on this plan: I instantly emptied my barrel of my old rags, and having filled it with earth and straw, I closed it down, and put on the hoops again so neatly that it looked as if it had never been opened. This done, I went down into the court-yard to wait the arrival of those that were full of sweetmeats. I had not waited long before I perceived them coming with the Major-domo at their head, who ordered us to carry them immediately into the closet where his Eminence usually kept them. Each of my comrades carried up a barrel. I took good care to be the last with mine, having my reasons for wishing to walk after all the rest. We were necessarily to pass by my chamber, so that seeing myself followed by no one, I slipped in unperceived, and changing the barrels in the twinkling of an eye, carried the one I had so well filled with earth and straw, and laid it boldly among the rest in the Cardinal’s closet. His Eminence was himself there to see them, and when they were all arranged in order he turned towards me with a smile on his countenance and said: “well, Guzman, what think you of these barrels? it will not be so easy a matter to thrust an arm into these, or to use wedges as with the former ones.” “If wedges will not do,” replied I, coolly, “I may be tempted to employ my nails, for the hand sometimes does the office of the arm.” “Ah!” replied his Eminence, “but I defy thee to pilfer these barrels, which have no corners to be lifted up as the chest had.” “True,” replied I, “but I beseech your Eminence not to defy me in any thing; for the devil may in such a case furnish me with the means of deceiving you.” “Be that as it may,” cried the Cardinal, “I give you leave with all my heart to steal these sweetmeats if you can, and I give you eight days to do it in. Should you be dexterous enough to succeed, you shall not only be allowed to keep what you steal, but I promise you as much more: on condition, however, that should your genius be obliged to yield, you will without murmuring submit to whatever penalty I may choose to inflict.”

“That is but just my Lord,” said I, “and I agree to the alternative. Yes,” continued I, “if I do not perform my task in four and twenty hours, for I ask not eight days for so trifling an affair, I will submit to any punishment Signor Nicola may be pleased to sentence me to, who, after the affair of the mosquitos and that of the turpentine, is not likely, you will allow, to be too lenient a judge.” The Cardinal laughed at these last words, and it was finally agreed that I should be punished or rewarded on the following day.

What precautions did not his Eminence take to secure his barrels from my clutches! besides keeping the key of the closet in his own possession, he set some of his most confidential domestics to be most constantly on the watch. The next day at dinner the good prelate, fancying me a little thoughtful, said with a smile: “Guzman, I see plainly what makes you so dull; you are reflecting on the luxury of receiving a hundred lashes from the vigorous arm of Signor Nicola.” “Indeed my Lord” replied I, “nothing was farther from my thoughts; for the sweetmeats are already in my possession.”

The Cardinal, fully persuaded that no one could possibly have gained access to his closet or touched his sweetmeats, seemed surprised at my effrontery, and rallied me all dinner-time on the strapping that was justly my due. I allowed him to divert himself as long as he pleased, but when the dessert was about to be served up, I stole privately out of the dining room up to my own chamber, and drew out of my barrel some of the sweetmeats, with which I filled a basin I had taken off the sideboard for that purpose, and carried them to his Eminence’s table. He was so strangely surprised at sight of them, that he could scarcely believe his own eyes, “Here,” said he to the chamberlain, giving him the key of the closet, “go and count the barrels attentively; there must be one short.” The chamberlain returned with an assurance that they were all safe. “Ah, ah!” said the Cardinal, “I now see through your finesse, my poor Guzman. You have purchased some of the same merchant who sold me these fruits, and now hope to make me believe that you have stolen them; but it will not do, Mr. Guzman; your undertaking was to open and pilfer one of my barrels and take out some of the sweetmeats; this was our wager as you will be pleased to recollect; you cannot, therefore, escape the punishment.” “Come, Signor Nicola,” continued he, “seize this rash youth, and inflict on him such chastisement as he may appear to you to deserve.” “Softly, my Lord,” said I, at these last words; “I confess that I amply deserve all this if the sweetmeats that I have just laid before you are not some of those your Eminence bought yesterday; but you must allow also that I have won if I prove the contrary, by convincing you that I have at this moment in my own chamber one of the twelve barrels that were yesterday brought into your palace.”

“Be cautious what you affirm, page,” interrupted the Chamberlain; “there are twelve barrels in my master’s cabinet which I have counted over and over again.” “That may be,” said I to the Chamberlain, “but recollect that the wolf often eats the counted sheep.” The Cardinal anxious to know the truth of the matter, hastened his dinner over, that he might examine his closet, whither he repaired, accompanied by all the guests that dined with him that day, who for the most part felt convinced by the bold face I assumed, that the affair would not end to my disadvantage.

His Eminence counted the barrels himself, and finding twelve, “Guzman,” said he, “here are the twelve barrels that I bought.” “My Lord,” answered I, “there are certainly twelve, but they are not all full of sweetmeats.” The Cardinal, losing patience, wished to have them opened. “No, no,” cried I, “I will save you that trouble.” Saying which, I pointed out to him the barrel I had filled with earth and straw, and while they were opening it I ran to my chamber, whence I returned with the other, which was still half full of fruit, and related in what manner I had gained possession of it.

All the company present applauded me for my dexterity, and laughed most heartily at the adventure. His Eminence, agreeably to promise presented me with a second barrel, which I resigned to my comrades, to shew that what I had done was but to amuse my worthy master. Diverted, however, as he was by my slights of hand, he would undoubtedly have dismissed me his service for example’s sake, had he not apprehended that if he abandoned me I might have been driven to the commission of some more desperate act which would end in my utter destruction. Thus this good prelate, compassionating my youth, retained me in his family in spite of all my faults, that I might not be compelled to commit greater crimes elsewhere.